Chapter Text
Beomgyu thought of the reading as a bit of peer pressure and the curiosity that came with it, so he didn’t know what to expect after. It definitely wasn’t a text from Kai asking to meet up. Kai had said he wanted to repay for the reading with coffee and had insisted when Beomgyu said it wasn’t necessary.
It was normal, nothing to think about, just a coffee plan made by two friends. It was like Yeonjun treating him to a drink whenever he wanted something from him. He still had to take a couple of big breaths to manage his heartbeats when he saw the invite. He took a deep breath now, too, as he waited for Kai to bring their beverages.
“So, what have you been thinking about?” Beomgyu asked, taking the plastic straw Kai extended for him. He didn’t particularly like plastic straws but they were definitely better than paper. The drink looked good, not too light in color. Kai hadn’t asked him what he wanted but it seemed like something he would drink.
“The mechanism of it, I guess.” Kai started and took a sip from his drink. He turned to Beomgyu, curious. “Do you like it?”
“I do. How did you know?” asked Beomgyu. He wasn’t a picky person, but he was very particular about his coffee. That’s why he was surprised to taste a slight sweetness that didn’t feel like he was drinking sugar. Kai smiled, satisfied.
“How did you start reading tarot?” Kai asked instead of answering.
“I was bored, and on the internet.” Beomgyu put his hands up to say, go figure. “If you scroll long enough, learning witchcraft can give you a lot to do.”
Kai looked at him, surprised. Beomgyu knew that look; it wasn’t his first time seeing it. He wasn’t a shy person when it came to calling it what it was, but the word witchcraft did surprise a lot of people. Tarot reading was bearable, exciting even, but witchcraft sounded harsher.
““Witchcraft?” he exclaimed, tone light. Beomgyu felt a little bit more comfortable when he realized he wouldn’t have to explain it all. “I’ve underestimated you.”
“Layers like an ogre.” He showed himself smirking, and Kai chuckled quietly. “I saw a video, and you know what? Sign me up.”
“I could’ve seen a video too, but I probably just scoffed at it,” Kai offered.
“Exactly, it happens. We all have a different way of believing in things.”
Kai nodded in response and played with his straw. He seemed to be thinking; Beomgyu watched him. He knew this part, although it was the most common thought, was the hard part. Kai had a frown on his face, a tiny, slight one. His fingers continued to move the straw in circular motions without focus. When Kai raised his head, Beomgyu hoped he was in his thoughts enough to not realize he was being watched.
“But don’t you feel trapped, believing the future is set in stone?” Kai asked after a moment. The glint in his eyes was not accusing but curious.
“Why would it be set in stone? I don’t believe that.” Beomgyu tilted his head.
“That’s what tarot does though, isn’t it? A glimpse into the future. If the future is not set in stone, how would it be real?” Kai asked, more fervently now.
“See, that’s the part that requires belief,” Beomgyu answered, feeling more at his element now. He knew this answer, and he loved it when people were curious. “That’s what it’s known for, but I don’t believe tarot is a tool for glimpsing into the future. It’s about learning things that you might not see for yourself. A new perspective, perhaps. Kind of like psychology, even. Yes, you can ask about the future, and you might even get correct answers, but it’s not because the future is set in stone; it’s because the person you were when you asked the question is still the same when the thing happens.”
Kai listened, nodding lightly. His thoughts on tarot weren't very detailed. He never thought he needed to think about it in detail. He looked at Beomgyu, explaining calmly; he had the same air in him as he did when he read him the cards. Kai didn’t know how, but he felt more inclined to believe when Beomgyu spoke so self-assuredly. He tilted his head and pouted.
“Like when I was preparing for university exams. I kept asking for months whether I would be able to get into the university I wanted. The cards kept saying no. I didn’t change how I studied or how long I studied. The cards kept answering the same, and I didn’t get into my first choice. The fact that I didn't get in wasn’t because the cards told me I wouldn't; it was because I never changed my actions, so the outcome wouldn’t change either.”
Beomgyu reached for the package as he finished talking. Kai understood how Beomgyu saw it now. Beomgyu took a drag from his cigarette, and Kai hummed. Beomgyu looked at him; the smoke surrounded them now. Kai could never quite get used to the smoke even though most of his friends smoked.
“What is making you pause?” Beomgyu asked.
“How is it that it’s both unpredictable and predictable? Isn’t there supposed to be an answer? Beomgyu chuckled at his question.
“Because it just is,” he said, leaning back on his chair. He took a drag of his cigarette and waited for Kai’s response.
“Is it always this easy for you?” Kai asked. He knew, if he asked, Beomgyu would explain. But the how wasn’t the question for him; he knew the how of it. He had heard it a million times, in theory, in metaphors. The theory was always there. Kai wanted to know where the belief came from.
Beomgyu stubbed out his cigarette. He knew the theory, always on the tip of his tongue. All the questions he knew how to answer because he had to answer them again and again hadn’t prepared him for this one. The cafe buzzed with a low hum of people speaking, laughs of friend groups; Beomgyu couldn’t understand any of it at that moment.
“It isn’t easy,” he decided to reply, looking around. He took a deep breath and turned back to Kai. He guessed that was the only way he could explain it. He looked at the boy in front of him and smiled lightly. “It just is.”
“Hmm,” Kai hummed. Beomgyu took the package of the straw and started playing with it. Words died in his mouth. All of a sudden, the colorless plastic was a great pass-time rather than talking. Kai used his hand to support his head and watched Beomgyu. He couldn’t help himself, looking at the confident boy who had been answering him easily, now fidgeting with the question.
“Do you ever read for yourself?” Kai asked, changing the subject.
“Curious about the reader, are you?” He flashed a smile. “I used to; it was easier back then. Now the answers are hidden from me.”
“How does that happen?” Kai frowned. The cards had the answer, didn’t they? He remembered what Soobin said: I wouldn’t believe it if it was someone else. Maybe it was Beomgyu who had the answers.
“I don’t know,” Beomgyu said, lighting another cigarette. Beomgyu leaned back in his chair once again, gaining his composure, but this time, Kai realized his chair didn't look as comfortable as it did a minute ago.
“What has been making you think about the reading?” Beomgyu asked, the cigarette still in his hand. Kai looked at his hand for a moment, and looked back up.
“I mean, I already admitted it wasn’t entirely wrong,” Beomgyu laughed at the phrasing. Kai continued. “But it doesn’t really make sense to me that it might be right. So I don't really know what to think about it.”
“You’re trying to analyze tarot, too,” Beomgyu said, taking a breath. He averted his gaze for just a moment. “Just like emotions, tarot is not something to be analyzed before being taken in. It doesn’t have citations to check or experiments to go on. You gotta take what feels right and leave what doesn’t.”
Kai decided the water on top of his coffee from the melted ice was disgusting and needed to be mixed thoroughly. Quiet music in the background kept them company as Beomgyu finished his cigarette and Kai mixed his drink. His emotions he tried to keep hidden, right? Kai thought of the reading.
“I don’t know how to.”
***
The ice-cold air surrounded Beomgyu as he stepped out. He definitely should’ve taken his jacket, but it had seemed like such a hassle at the time. He took a cigarette from the package in his hands. It was easier to open his eyes now. He stifled a yawn and lay down on the bench next to the library. He hated exam seasons. He hated himself for choosing a major that required him to actually study for hours to get a passable grade. He could’ve been in his bed right now.
He took a deep breath full of nicotine and looked at the sky. It was pitch black even though the clock showed six in the morning. He hated the gloomy weather; he didn’t know how he liked this city that was always muted. The grey clouds got lost in the darkness of the night.
Beomgyu didn’t know what to make of his conversation with Kai. They didn’t get the chance to meet up again after. The exams became a priority, and Beomgyu began not sleeping more than four hours a night. Kai didn’t write to him much in the past two weeks, and Beomgyu didn’t really write to him at all. He couldn’t blame Kai, of course, but he didn’t know what to make of it. He wasn’t sure what becoming friends would be. He couldn’t keep his crush an unimportant crush when they weren’t even friends; could he keep it down then?
He took another drag. He didn’t want to think about it. He couldn’t take the way his heart beat faster every time he thought of it. So, yes, he didn’t take a step either. And he definitely didn’t want to think about it, or him. He put out his cigarette and immediately lit another one. Chain-smoking was bad and whatnot.
“Hi,” came a voice from the dark. Beomgyu opened his eyes and tried to get up right away. It’s not like he didn’t know who the voice belonged to.
“All-nighter?”
He sat upright and made space for Kai on the bench. He was going to think about it, he guessed.
“Yeah, you too?” he replied, looking at Kai. He was in his home mode, for sure. A coffee stain was visible on his shirt under the light of the library. He sat quietly next to him, nodding. They sat in the quiet for some time.
Beomgyu tried to stifle a yawn once more but failed. Then came a sound from Kai’s side; he, too, couldn’t stop his yawn. They looked at each other for a moment and burst into laughter. Kai bumped his shoulder into Beomgyu’s when they started looking into the void again.
“How is your week going?”
A groan was all that came from Beomgyu in response. Kai chuckled.
“How about you?”
Kai mimicked him, but Beomgyu knew even without looking that he had a smile on his face. His lips turned upwards, too.
“They should find another way to assess if we learned anything, just because I can’t memorize…” Beomgyu said.
“In-class evaluations and projects do exist, but I am not sure if they know,” Kai responded with the same tone. The sun had started to show itself a little as they laughed once more.
“I think I might just kill myself if they decide to spring up a group project on me,” Beomgyu said. They were both looking up at the sky now. The weather kept them from the stars, but the sky felt freer.
“You’re right on that.” Kai raised his finger upwards, trying to convey his affirmation. Beomgyu felt the chill didn’t really bother him, anyway.
“Do you also have an exam in the morning?” Beomgyu looked up at Kai. Kai smiled, returning his gaze to Beomgyu.
“You mean in three hours? Why yes, I do.” He smirked.
Beomgyu laughed as he put his hands in his pockets.
“Sucks to be you,” he replied, not caring for politeness. Kai was already rummaging through his bag.
“Ha ha,” said Kai as he found what he was looking for. “What is it? Yours is in four hours.”
“Five,” Beomgyu said, poking his tongue out. “Doesn’t matter, beats yours.”
Kai laughed, pulling his jacket from his bag and holding it out to Beomgyu.
“You look really red. Wear it before you become purple.”
“I already have one—” Beomgyu tried to say, hoping he wasn’t even redder now.
“If it’s not here right now, just take it. I’m already going back to the dorms to get ready. Can’t go to class with this.” He showed the coffee stain playfully and kept holding the jacket toward Beomgyu.
“It’s really not necessary,” Beomgyu tried once more.
“Definitely not. You just really like purple lipstick, I bet.” Kai looked at his lips for a moment. Beomgyu tried to tell his heart to keep calm. His heart wasn’t much of a listener.
“Thank you, then,” Beomgyu said, seeing there was no way he would leave this argument winning and wore the jacket.
Kai looked at him. If Beomgyu didn’t know better, he might’ve even said he looked him over. He knew better.
“Well, I gotta go,” Kai said, getting up. “It looks good on you.”
Kai turned and left after that, leaving Beomgyu in shock and questioning reality. Maybe Beomgyu didn’t know better. He smoked another one before going in.
***
The end of the exams came like a dream. Beomgyu was drained after a whole week of exams. Sometimes he just didn’t know whether one week and done exams were better or not. He hadn’t slept more than four hours a day for the week. Fine, blame him for not studying regularly; who did?
That’s why Beomgyu wasn’t doing anything. That was his whole plan. He was going to sleep, and then sleep, and sleep some more. Well, it was a good plan until he got a text from Kai.
Kai: Are your exams over?
Beomgyu: yes finallyyy
You
Kai: Done, too.
Do you have any plans for today?
Beomgyu: none other than sleeping
Why you guys planning smthn
Kai: Well, it’s just me.
If you’d want to.
Beomgyu: mmm
gotta see if your plan beats sleepin
Kai: Now I’m stumped.
I might not have anything that beats sleeping, but I was hoping for a coffee.
Or maybe some food?
Beomgyu: Tbh
Any other day it would work
But no chance of outside today
Beomgyu closed the screen. Why would he? Did he need a reason? They are friends now, right? Kind of. Friends invited each other to their houses. Sometimes. The ceiling was interesting; he did not realise there was a stain there. He took a deep breath; nope, he needed another one. He opened the app again.
Kai: Alright.
Really? That’s all? Beomgyu scoffed. Well, that’s that. The stain was the same. He liked spending time with Kai. Maybe he hadn’t done it much, but it was easy to talk to him. Kai was the one asking him to meet up. He just didn’t want to leave his home right now. He was tired, okay?
Did he need a reason? They are kind of friends, after all.
Beomgyu: i have coffee here though
if you want to hang out
He put the phone on the table and turned toward the window. Nope, not taking it back. It’s not a big deal anyway. He’s just inviting a friend to his house because he is tired. Nope, Beomgyu won’t take it back, and neither will he make a big deal out of something that isn’t.
He took a deep breath.
Kai: Are you sure?
I wouldn’t want to intrude.
Not a very comforting message, thought Beomgyu.
Beomgyu: i think it was a yes or no question
Kai: Send me the location.
Beomgyu smiled, the phone back in its place on the bed. He wasn’t giddy. Why would he be giddy? He didn’t feel more energized just from reading a message. What a funny thought. He absolutely did not forget to send the location, smiling at the stain.
After Kai told him he would be there in twenty, Beomgyu looked around. His eyes scanned the room for anything to do. He didn’t need to do any last minute tidying, and he couldn’t find anything to do no matter how hard he looked. He had thought twenty minutes was a short amount of time, but it certainly felt like eternity now. He felt a relief when he heard the bell ring.
“Welcome to my humble abode,” Beomgyu said, opening the door. Kai had a bashful smile on his face. “You can take your shoes off inside.”
“Thank you for having me,” said Kai, holding out the bag in his hand. “Where can I put these?”
“You shouldn’t have bothered,” Beomgyu said, looking at the boy smiling in front of him. He took the bag and put it on the desk. He then proceeded to shrug. “What is this formality right now? Leave it at the door.”
Kai laughed and gestured, taking something off and leaving it at the door. He slowly walked in, looking around. Beomgyu waited for him. He felt exposed.
“So, the grand tour first,” Beomgyu said, trying to shrug off the nervousness, showing his room that consisted of one whole room. “This is the bedroom.”
They stayed at the entrance and showed the bed in the corner. Kai looked at the gray bedsheet that was wrinkled and the bedside table with a deck on it. Beomgyu then took a step and smiled as he showed the desk.
“The office and the living area.” Beomgyu took another step to show the couch and continued on to the sink that was next to the foot of the bed. Kai took a step and followed him with his eyes. “And finally, the kitchen.”
“You have a beautiful house,” Kai replied in a serious manner, looking around as Beomgyu said they were finished with the tour. Beomgyu thanked him and smiled in return, took the bag from the desk, and left Kai to look around.
“How are you so tidy?” Kai asked, looking at the shelves next to the couch.
“Why don’t you sit?” Beomgyu asked politely to Kai, who kept standing in the middle of the room. “I spend so little time at the house; it doesn’t actually get messy.”
“Thank you for the cheesecake.” Beomgyu put the cheesecake in the fridge. Kai hummed as he flicked his hand as if he said, don't be silly.
“I can never manage that; I always have to put it into my planner to clean my room,” Kai said as he found a book and picked it up. He examined the book as Beomgyu examined him. Kai fit his room nicely. His shoulders were a little tense, yes, but he looked like he would become comfortable here. Beomgyu imagined it would be nice if he did. He turned to Kai, trying to keep these thoughts away.
“Have you read all of these?” Beomgyu followed Kai’s eyes on the shelves and the desk.
“God, I wish.” he sighed. “I buy books a lot faster than I read them. But I did manage to finish that one. East of Eden, right?”
“Yep,” Kai said, looking up at Beomgyu. “It has been on my reading list for years, but the only Steinbeck I have read is Of Mice and Men.”
“That’s a classic though,” Beomgyu replied and pulled up a capsule to put into the machine.
“That’s why everyone and their mother has read it in middle school.” Kai laughed. “I always tell myself to read more classics, but the time just never comes.”
“Ah, the classics problem.” Beomgyu shrugged. “Just read whatever you want to, doesn't really matter. That one is a gift left to me by my pretentious era.”
Beomgyu turned around to see Kai coming closer. He took a moment to balance himself. The shot was ready, by the sound of it. Beomgyu decided to occupy himself with the second capsule.
“What can I help with?” asked Kai. Beomgyu showed him a cupboard.
“You can take out the mugs or the glasses. Depending on ice needs.”
Kai laughed at the phrase. “Definitely need ice. Ice for you too, right?”
“Damn right,” Beomgyu said as he put the dessert onto the plates. Two small cups were on the counter waiting to be made into iced coffee. Kai put the glasses on the counter and took out the ice. Beomgyu smiled at the action. He didn’t have any power over his thoughts.
“So, why cheesecake?" Beomgyu asked, as he watched Kai pour the shots into their glasses.
“Do you not like it?” Kai asked. Beomgyu could see the tension had returned to his shoulders. Everything was prepared, and Kai had nothing to do to hide the anxiety he felt.
“No, I do. Really, thank you.” Beomgyu smiled. “I was just curious about why you chose it.”
“Well, it’s tradition in my family to bring something sweet when visiting,” Kai answered as he put the cups of coffee onto the desk. Beomgyu followed him with the plates. A tiny bit of red colored Kai’s cheeks and neck. “And I thought you would like it. It’s not as sweet as the other desserts.”
The red spread from Kai to Beomgyu. Kai thought red looked nice on him.
“Thank you,” Beomgyu said, barely audible. He cleared his throat. “What do you do when you’re not outside looking for a great tarot reader?”
“Ah,” Kai said, looking back at Beomgyu. “That’s what I do ninety percent of the time. Well, I do need to find something to fill the time now that I’ve found him.”
He smiled and looked around. Beomgyu took a bite of his cheesecake and followed Kai’s eyes, trying to find out what he was looking at.
“I enjoy games, although I might be spending too much time with them.”
“Ooh, what kind?” Beomgyu asked, his eyes darting back to Kai.
“Usually a good storyline will draw me in right away. Joy of the actions comes from learning why you do them most of the time, I think.”
Kai was smiling, trying to find a better way to explain it. Beomgyu liked it better when Kai was relaxed on the couch and thinking about whatever he wanted to. He looked a lot like the Kai who fit into his room.
“Is there anything you're playing right now?” Beomgyu asked.
“I started this new game called Observer. Do you know about it?” Kai asked with a hopeful face. He had always liked games. It was like books but kept his attention better.
“I actually don’t really know much about games. What is it about?” Beomgyu asked, shy all of a sudden. It wasn’t that he didn’t like games; it was just a topic he hadn’t explored yet.
“It’s about a detective who is trying to find his son, basically. It’s a world where people get attachments that mess up their body and mind. You go searching and investigating places and people’s minds. I haven’t finished it yet, but I am curious how much weirder it can get.”
Beomgyu watched Kai. He watched the big gestures and the glint of his eye; even if he hadn’t said it, it would’ve been obvious that he liked the stories. Kai looked like a five-year-old child with a new toy. Beomgyu felt his heart getting warmer, his smile getting bigger as Kai’s.
“Oh, that seems interesting,” Beomgyu said, nodding at him with a smile.
“I know, right?” Kai said and took a sip from his drink. “Maybe we could play together sometime.”
“Maybe,” Beomgyu said. His heart was racing, and his mind was solely focused on Kai. How much he liked spending time with Kai, how much he liked seeing him smile and talk. He liked those things before too, of course, but he had thought that maybe if they become friends it would be different. It was different, now that he was talking to him, opening up to him. He liked it a lot more.
And Beomgyu knew at that moment he shouldn’t play the game with Kai.
***
Kai did text Beomgyu sometimes. Beomgyu answered, of course. He even texted him first, occasionally. It wasn’t like that was all Beomgyu was thinking, or it was about Kai. No, Beomgyu, too, had a life like everyone else. He had friends to meet, classes to go to, stuff to study, decisions to make.
So, no, Beomgyu wasn’t ignoring Kai. Schedules simply didn’t align.
Beomgyu walked through the trees. It was as bright a day as the city allowed. He enjoyed being able to come here in between classes, being able to get away from all the noise and the hectic crowd of the campus. He liked people, but when he had to think or take a breath, it was ideal to come here and sit by the lake.
It was almost empty right now; most people were either at their homes or in class. He watched the leaves fall from the trees when there was a gust of wind. He tried to focus on the sound of nature over the sound of his brain.
He wished he could turn it on and off sometimes. He liked the way his brain was wired, but it could get really tiring. In the days when he felt the exhaustion even without doing anything, this was the closest thing to turning it off.
“I knew I could find you here.” Came a voice from the left. Beomgyu kept looking at the floating leaf.
“Weren’t you going to lunch?”
“Already finished,” Taehyun answered. “Yeonjun already left for class.”
“Has it been that long?” Beomgyu took out his phone to check the time. It really had been that long. “Damn.”