Chapter Text
Nam-gyu opened his eyes and he was greeted by the brightest and warmest day in Seoul in months. No longer obstructed by the snowy clouds, the sun covered his apartment in a pleasant glow. The sunlit room, despite the mess it was holding, looked cozy and lived in. Even the plastic flower on the windowsill, that came with the apartment, seemed alive and well, stretching its always-green leaves towards the sun. Nam-gyu hated it.
He felt like shit. He was sore and hangover and tired from a night that was closer in its nature to blackout than actual sleep. He could barely breathe. The room was hot and stuffy. The heat source in the form of the other body in the bed didn’t help. Nam-gyu was overtly aware of Thanos existence inches from him and he felt prickling sensation of shame as he realized he needs to face him today, again. He looked over, analyzing the man to make sure he was asleep. Thanos was deeply sleep, snoring away as he stretched out more and more over the bed. The warm sunlight was lazily spreading over his naked body, bright skin against the dark ink. The view felt nostalgic to Nam-gyu for a reason he couldn’t exactly pinpoint. He never saw Thanos like that, not only naked but calm, static. It melted all the roughness from his persona. Made him feel unusually human-like. As he was watching Thanos, the memories of last night were slowly resurging to the top of Nam-gyu mind. The cries, the desperation, the fear. This soon became too much and Nam-gyu slipped out his hand from clammy grab of Thanos’s and got up.
He covered the windows, hiding from the sun, while opening one up for some fresh air. He rummaged through the clutter of last night, till he found his jacket with a phone and a pack of cigarettes. Soon, the room was filled with smoke. Nam-gyu gave the bag of weed by the door a lustful and yearning look as he fiddled with a bent cigarette, his ass on the floor.
When he plugged in his phone, he muted it instantly, as he was swarmed by a flood of notifications, missed messages and calls from his boss and coworkers. Didn’t think I would be that much missed, he thought while rolling his eyes. Still, one missed shift wasn’t that bad, so with the cigarette in one hand and phone in other he typed away a long apology. The mix of his best excuse with a sick mother in a hospital and emergency babysitting for his sister. Stuff he had a folder with photos for, if anyone asked for proof. He sent the apology without proofreading, as he wondered if he could even get fired from this job. He looked at the bag of weed again. Gotta sort out the details of that today, so I can start selling. He got up to get to the bag, but the sound of voice startled him.
Thanos was yawing, mumbling something in such a deep voice that Nam-gyu needed a moment to comprehend his speech. The mas was sitting up on the bed, the black bed sheets crumpled next to him. He was messy in all meanings of the word. His hair was wilder than ever, sticking out in every direction, and his eyes still drooping from sleep were squinting so hard, he looked beyond angry. His appearance was unsettling to Nam-gyu. The roughness of his persona was back, although he couldn’t really tell if it was the persona in the first place.
“You look like shit” Nam-gyu said instead of acknowledging Thanos mumbles. It wasn’t entirely true, as Thanos always was one bad hair day away from looking like a car-crash victim, but lack of expensive accessories and the stillness of his movements so early in the morning underlined it immensely.
“Dude, shut up and tell me where the bathroom is” Thanos answered, rubbing his face from sleep.
“Oh, that’s what you’ve been asking? You sound like shit too. This door, on the left.” Nam-gyu couldn’t help but joke, as he pointed. Thanos got up, cracked his neck loudly and went in without a word.
As he closed the door behind him, Nam-gyu started slightly panicking. Startled by the voice before, he didn’t immediately realize how embarrassed he was to talk to Thanos, so soon. Now it was coming to him in flood, and he could feel his face getting hot. He nervously fixed his hair, trying to cover his ears that he was sure now were bright red. He took deep breaths, trying to calm himself, trying not to feel shame and trying not to feel like an idiot for feeling shame in the first place. None of it worked, of course. He had a hard time figuring out what Thanos thought of him now, how did he interpret the miserable portrayal of the weakling Nam-gyu was. Maybe that’s a good thing, he thought, trying to mend the situation in his mind. Maybe if he sees me as a crybaby, he will feel better about himself next to me. Maybe that’s why he liked that coward, Minsu. At the thought of that, Thanos’s comment from yesterday, before the phone call and everything that followed, which felt like it was weeks ago, appeared in his mind. “Acting like a chick”, or something in that manner. Maybe that is the best approach. To what end exactly, Nam-gyu wasn’t sure.
Soon, Thanos left the bathroom and attempted to leave the apartment too. He picked up his clothes, put his shirt backwards and stuffed his phone and vape in the back pocket of his pants, before squatting and trying to identify which shoes were left and right. “Hey, hyung, you’re leaving already?” Nam-gyu asked as he watched.
“Thought you might wanna grab a bite.” The casual remark made Nam-gyu breathe lighter. Okay, at least he is still okay with spending time with me. “Yeah, sure, But I can make something here or we can order.” Nam-gyu answered, visibly more relaxed at the thought. “I feel like shit, I don’t really feel like walking outside”, he added suddenly insecure that it sounded like he wanted to trap Thanos inside. But if Thanos was not here, he would probably lay in his bed longer, planning to leave the house only for his shift.
“Stay here?” Thanos asked, looking around. He sounded genuinely surprised at the notion. But he slowed down his movements, and took a step closer towards the table, like he contemplating sitting down. He looked into his phone and with a grimace clicked something. Nam-gyu couldn’t help but comment “Is that bitch bothering you to come back?,” he giggled.
“What?” Thanos barked. He looked up and as if he remembered something, shifted his posture, readying for something.
“Knew the girl would come to her senses sooner or later. She probably thought if she gives you an ultimatum, you would beg her for forgiveness. Classic tactic of a desperate bitch.” Thanos didn’t say anything for some time, instead just looked around the house, almost avoiding Nam-gyu’s eyes. That intrigued him, so he pressed further: “So, did she text you?”
“You’re so fucking noisy, Nam-su” and with that he turned towards the door.
“Nam-gyu, and dude-”
“Yeah, whatever,” Thanos threw his hand in the air in a dismissal. “I’m going, you can join or not.”
“Where the fuck are you going? You genuinely got mad over that comment?” Nam-gyu asked, visibly annoyed at Thanos behavior. He got up to get after him, but he stopped at the front door, still only in his underwear. Thanos, all raving to go, made him feel small and stupid. Somehow in his mind, the vulnerability of last night was more intimate than he expected it to be. He had a clear need to stay with Thanos longer, no matter what. To be accepted as normal, as of nothing happened. To not be abandoned after. “Dude, you’re genuinely gonna leave me like that, after that!?” he couldn’t help but yell after him. Thanos didn’t even look back as he walked towards the elevator. “Fine, go to hell! Let’s see what fucking abandoned park I’ll find you next time, you bum!” he screamed out all ready to slam his door, but he couldn’t get himself to do it. He kept his gaze on Thanos, too curious and too desperate to see his reaction.
But Thanos didn’t even bother answering. He walked into an elevator, that was conveniently already on the floor, and watched as the door silently closed behind him, looking straight ahead with an empty gaze. Nam-gyu had enough dignity left to not run into the elevator in just his underwear, so he was left alone. If he didn’t cry out his ten years old tears reserve last night, he might have shed a tear over the miserable feeling that overcame him. But soon, the burning shame turned into even hotter of anger. He came back into the house and cursed Thanos out. Fucking brat comes into someone’s house, makes a mess and doesn’t even bother to stay long enough to help clean. A fucking leech and nothing else. That asshole’s gonna crawl back to me to ask for some stupid shit in a day or two, like nothing happened. Idiot probably forgot I have his stupid necklace. Fucking idiot probably forgot he had a necklace in the first place.
Those thoughts accompanied him for the rest of the day at a steady rhythm. Like a war drum, they motivated him to get his shit ready for the day and slowly but surely, they drowned out any other thoughts and emotions that might have appeared in his mind. The memories of the gun in his hand and the blood in the mud were as insignificant as the sound of Thanos’ words and the touch of his fingers late at night. All that mattered was the burning rage at Thanos. All of Thanos, the one from the night that was patient and caring, the Thanos he knew and hated back from the club, the Thanos that saved his life in the games, probably. What was his real name again? Seulong? Subong? Well, all of them can go fuck themselves as far as I’m concerned.
With that rage Nam-gyu got washed and dressed, stole a lunchbox set from a convenience store and bought small plastic pouches. Rest of the day, he drowned the thoughts in dividing the weed and counting out the price. Then he left for work, sober and almost over his crash. He made sure not to dress sloppily, even thought all his pants felt too tight and all his shirt were itchy. Every time he wanted to scratch his skin till blood, he blamed Thanos and he cursed Thanos and it made the situation better.
With an hour into his shift he pondered smoking some of his product, but the idea of being in a good mood that day was pissing him off. He reveled in his anger. He gave the young bitch as much hard time as always, and he aggressively asked people into the club, putting his best effort to be charming and pleasant, offering free drinks and something special. He invited the wealthy looking white foreigners into the back corridor, next to the staff bathroom where he sold them weed and with cold expression of someone with blood on their hands he argued that the price he set is right. “This is Korea, eh? Not legal so expensive, huh?” And in the same manner he stormed off home at 3 A.M, after claiming his biweekly payment and buying an actual warm meal by the station. He arrived home worn out and angry, yet somehow fulfilled.
And then he saw Thanos lying by his front door, seemingly asleep.
Without much thinking, or maybe by thinking too much, he went over and kicked the man. He was aiming at his legs, maybe out of mercy or just to be an asshole, because he missed and kicked his balls. Thanos yelped in pain, and rolled over to the side, yelling “What the fuck?!” Now, Nam-gyu was truly fulfilled.
“The fuck you’re doing here? How did you even get here?” Nam-gyu asked, while opening the door. He kept them open after walking in, leaned on the door frame and looked at Thanos. He was dressed the same, his clothes now completely crumpled up. The only real difference was the backpack he had with him.
Thanos rolled around in pain for some time, mumbling curse words. Once he gathered the strength to pull himself up and get up, he surprisingly didn’t seem angry… Well, he didn’t seem vindictive. The stream of curse words and the look in his was nothing but angry, but he didn’t launch himself at Nam-gyu. Like he accepted it, Nam-gyu thought. He asked again: “Why are you here, bro?” He didn’t get an answer, Thanos just slouched with his head low. Now, closer to him Nam-gyu could smell the alcohol. He wondered what made him come here in this state. And also what the hell was he doing before he fell asleep. “Come inside before the neighbors call the cops,” he said gesturing him in. Thanos obliged and drunkenly walked in.
Both men just stood there, by the front door of the apartment, looking at each other, not sure how to proceed. Thanos swayed while standing still, clearly too drunk to function. Nam-gyu sighed. He had a nerve-racking day after day and he could feel how it slowly consumed him, till he was to tired to act. And acting on autopilot usually put him in similar state to the one he recognized in Thanos. Silent and wrecked, standing in the apartment of a dude he keeps around for whatever reason, second night in the row. Why is he here? Why did he come here in such state?, Nam-gyu pondered, as he still didn’t get an answer. “Yo, let’s get you some water.”
Nam-gyu finally moved, just to put his shoes away, plug his phone and finally get rid of the uncomfortable clothes. Thanos stayed where he stood, watching him like a hawk. Nam-gyu undressed right by the closet and Thanos just kept his gaze at him. The room was dark, middle of the night with blinds down, so Nam-gyu didn’t comment, even when he did feel embarrassed by being watched.
Now in a comfortable shirt and sweats, he poured Thanos a cup of water, while taking out a beer for himself. He beckoned the man with a hand movement and placed the water on the table. Thanos kept looking at him, but with slow and shaky steps came over and sit down. He drank the water and utter a thanks. Nam-gyu, overjoyed to hear him talk normal words, poured him another, and lit a cigarette. Thanos put out a hand asking for one too, and Nam-gyu gave it to him. “Dude, you gotta tell me what are you doing here,” he said with an exhale.
“Sorry, I just….wanted to hang” Thanos laid his head on the table, cigarette abandoned. After a moment of silence added: “I wanted to talk to you about something but didn’t wanna text you.”
“What about?” Nam-gyu asked, trying not to get his hopes up and failing.
“Nam-su, my boy, I have a problem” he spoke in English as he lifted his head to look at Nam-gyu. He got a confused look in exchange.
“Thanos, speak normally. And it’s Nam-gyu” he answered slightly concerned as he caught the word problem.
“I know!” Thanos whined. “Jeez, you make everything so formal. I just- I don’t know how to say it. Words is my work, words is my passion. And look at me now, I’m sitting here forcing myself to say anything. And I’ve been sitting outside, waiting for you for so long, I had a whole speech prepared and everything. ” Thanos through the haze of alcohol gave him this intense look, as if he was sharing immense knowledge and he needed to see that Nam-gyu got it. Unimpressed, Nam-gyu kept a flat tone, asking: “How long?”
“Fucking hours, man! How long is your job?”
“I usually finish even later in the night. Until dawn, practically”
"Fuck, I got lucky then, huh?” with that Thanos’s look softened.
“Guess you did.” Nam-gyu was too tired for this conversation, too tired to coddle Thanos and his temper. He took a swig from the bottle, thinking that he will throw him out if he doesn’t get to the point in two minutes.. “So, what was the speech? You’re going to apologize, beg for forgiveness?”
Thanos smiled, showing his teeth, inspired. “The girl from yesterday, y’know, I met her in a bar after you disappeared.”
Nam-gyu pondered the fact. “So she isn’t you girlfriend?”
“Nope”
“Right.” So she didn’t text him in the morning, and he didn’t ditch me for her. She didn’t really threw him out either, probably just told him to leave after a hook-up. But why is he being so weird about it? It’s not the first time, not for him, for sure. Nam-gyu stayed silent, giving Thanos room to speak. And he did, talking about the bitch’s outfit, dance and, all the other bullshit Nam-gyu was not happy to hear. As Thanos lively described his last night shenanigans, unaware he is repeating his ramblings from last night, Nam-gyu kept thinking. He was still furious at the rapper, but way too exhausted to entertain that. He had no clue what he wanted from him, why did he wait for him and how did he get so drunk and still found his way back to Nam-gyu apartment. And why did he look so… pitiful. Messy, sloppy and nonsensical, with a hint of desperation he only saw in Thanos during the games. . Like a naughty kid that ran away from home till his snacks finished and it got cold. Like he has nowhere else to turn to. Like he returned home. Why didn’t he? Why was he in the middle of nowhere yesterday and why did he show up here today?
“Why didn’t you just go home yesterday?” Nam-gyu interrupted.
“Where to?” the rapper responded in melancholic way. And then it clicked.
“Oh my fucking God, of course.” Nam-gyu muttered to himself. Of course Thanos is homeless. The messy clothes, the night walks, inviting himself in and all the other little things Nam-gyu didn’t bother questioning because it’s Thanos. Thanos! The extravagant, rich Thanos the rapper. The guy who rents a lounge for a whole week, wears brand clothes and luxurious jewelry for a day, before losing it on the dance floor or someone’s bathroom and never coming back to claim it. Now destitute and with life ending debts. All elements together finally made sense. You gave the idiot millions, he is going to spend it all on bullshit and be left with nothing in a week. He tried to kill himself before he got that money from the games, he probably had nothing left in his life. He probably still doesn’t. “Of, fucking, course.”
“Of fucking course what?” asked Thanos, confused.
“Do you wanna stay here?” Nam-gyu caught himself saying, before thinking. He knew offering help to Thanos was a dangerous game. He was an unstoppable force, a chaos bringer and a parasite. But he was also unlucky enough to get himself arrested or killed on the first night on the street and Nam-gyu didn’t want that.
“What? Like the night?” Thanos asked. Nam-gyu could see that he was so drunk, that barely anything registered for him. He wondered if he would even remember this conversation next day. He wondered if it would change anything. So, softly, he said: “Yeah, or, like, more. If you want.” He leaned in towards his face, smelling in the soju on his breath as he spoke: “Don’t think about it. Just get some sleep, okay?”
“Hah” was all that Thanos said, with a little cute smirk on his face.
So Nam-gyu prepared him a futon on the floor and went to lay down in his bed, too. Finishing the beer, he watched Thanos fall asleep. Fuck him, he thought, still angry and still without an apology. Fuck him, and fuck me for letting him stay. He knew that was what Thanos wanted to ask him, he knew he assumed Nam-gyu would say yes. But he wasn’t angry about it. No, that realization was thrilling for Nam-gyu. He came to him and he asked for help, in a way. And now, he has him under his roof. He could get high of the feeling alone.