Chapter Text
⸻
I had gotten pretty good at pretending that Shuichi didn’t matter to me, which was impressive considering he occupied almost every thought.
Every morning, I told myself that I didn’t care whether Shuichi smiled at me, because caring would mean giving him something dangerous.
Every afternoon, I made some ridiculous joke whenever he looked worried, because jokes were easier than admitting that his concern made me happy.
Every night, I stared at my ceiling and wondered how long I could keep pretending that my feelings weren’t becoming impossible.
The answer was probably not much longer, considering I had started avoiding him whenever he looked directly at me.
It wasn’t because I didn’t want Shuichi around, either, because that would have been an easier problem.
The problem was that I wanted him around constantly, and wanting something that badly terrified me.
I knew myself better than anyone else ever could, which meant I knew exactly how badly things could end.
People always left eventually, whether they were angry, disappointed, scared, or simply tired.
Shuichi was different, though, and that was precisely what made everything so much worse.
He actually stayed.
He stayed when I lied, stayed when I pushed him away, and stayed when I made everything unnecessarily difficult.
I couldn’t understand why he kept choosing me, and eventually I became terrified that someday he would stop.
That was why I couldn’t confess.
If I told Shuichi how I really felt, then my feelings would become something real.
Once they became real, he could reject them.
And if he rejected me, then I wouldn’t even have the comfort of pretending that nothing mattered.
So I lied.
I told everyone that Shuichi was annoying.
I told Shuichi that I didn’t care about him.
I told myself that I could stop loving him whenever I wanted.
None of those things were true.
Unfortunately, Kaito had apparently noticed.
“You’re avoiding Saihara.”
I nearly jumped when Kaito’s voice came from behind me.
“I am not.”
“You absolutely are.”
“Wow, Kaito-chan, accusing people without evidence is pretty bad detective work.”
“You’re not the detective here.”
“Exactly, so you should probably listen to me.”
Kaito crossed his arms and stared at me.
I hated when people looked at me like that.
It meant they were actually trying to understand something instead of simply accepting whatever nonsense I gave them.
“You’ve been acting weird around him.”
“I always act weird.”
“Not like this.”
I smiled.
“Maybe I finally decided to become normal.”
Kaito laughed.
“Yeah, right.”
I looked away, pretending to be interested in the empty hallway.
“Why do you care?”
“Because you’re my friend.”
The word made my smile falter.
Friend.
It was a stupid word, but sometimes stupid words hurt more than complicated ones.
“Don’t say things like that.”
“Why?”
“Because then I’ll start believing you.”
Kaito’s expression softened.
“You know you don’t have to joke about everything with me.”
I laughed quietly.
“That’s kind of my thing.”
“I know.”
“No, you don’t.”
“I know more than you think.”
I looked at him for several seconds before sitting down against the wall.
Kaito sat beside me without saying anything.
For once, I didn’t immediately try to make him leave.
“I like him.”
The words barely escaped my mouth.
Kaito turned toward me.
“Shuichi?”
I nodded.
“Yeah.”
There was no teasing in his expression, which somehow made admitting it even harder.
“I really like him.”
“How long?”
“I don’t know.”
“You’ve known for a while, though.”
“Probably.”
I rested my head against the wall and stared toward the ceiling.
“It’s stupid.”
“Why?”
“Because he doesn’t like me.”
Kaito frowned.
“You don’t know that.”
“I do.”
“You’ve asked him?”
“No.”
“Then you don’t know.”
I laughed bitterly.
“That’s exactly the problem.”
“What do you mean?”
“If I asked him, then I’d have an answer.”
Kaito stayed silent.
I continued before I could change my mind.
“And if the answer is no, then what?”
“You’d deal with it.”
“No.”
I shook my head.
“I’d pretend I was fine.”
“That sounds like dealing with it.”
“It isn’t.”
I looked down at my hands.
“If he rejected me, I’d still have to see him every day.”
Kaito’s expression became more serious.
“I’d have to watch him talk to everyone else normally while knowing that I ruined everything between us.”
“You wouldn’t ruin anything.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I know Saihara.”
I smiled sadly.
“That’s because you’re not the one who’s scared.”
Kaito sighed.
“Then what are you scared of?”
I stared at him.
“Everything.”
He waited.
I swallowed.
“I’m scared he’ll say he doesn’t feel the same.”
I looked away.
“I’m scared he’ll feel sorry for me.”
My voice became quieter.
“I’m scared he’ll start treating me differently.”
I rubbed my sleeve between my fingers.
“I’m scared he’ll realize that all the things I say aren’t jokes anymore.”
Kaito didn’t interrupt.
“And I’m scared he’ll look at me and finally understand that underneath everything, I’m just someone who really wants him to stay.”
My voice cracked.
“So I can’t tell him.”
Kaito looked at me for a long moment.
“Maybe he deserves to know.”
“No.”
“Why?”
“Because if I tell him, I lose the only thing I still have.”
“What do you have?”
I smiled weakly.
“Hope.”
Kaito’s expression softened.
“You think lying to him is giving you hope?”
“No.”
I shook my head.
“I think pretending he might love me is giving me hope.”
I closed my eyes.
“And if he tells me he doesn’t, then that hope disappears.”
Kaito didn’t answer immediately.
When he finally spoke, his voice was unusually gentle.
“You know, sometimes the truth hurts less than wondering forever.”
“Maybe.”
“You should tell him.”
“I can’t.”
“You can.”
“No.”
“Kokichi.”
“I can’t.”
I looked at him with a small, exhausted smile.
“Because if Shuichi doesn’t love me, I don’t know what I’ll do.”
Kaito’s expression changed.
I immediately looked away.
“And if he does,” I whispered, “I’m even more scared of what happens after that.”
Kaito stared at me.
“Why would you be scared of that?”
“Because then I’d have something to lose.”
The hallway fell completely silent.They just sat there while Kaiti tried to convince Kokichi it wouldn’t be as bad as he expected.
But ofcouse kokichi is js a liar who does things his way.