Chapter Text
Luca watched with what he could only describe as horror and awe as Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov disappeared into the upper levels of the house. At least he wasn’t the only one. The entire group kept staring even after the two of them were long gone.
Finally, Bood broke the silence with a massive sigh of relief. “Holy fuck. I can’t believe that actually worked.”
Dykstra’s whole body slumped forward until he was bracing his hands on his knees and leaning slightly on Hayes for support. “Oh my god. That was the most stressful kidnapping of my entire life. Oh my god.”
Barrett patted him on the back. “You did good, D. Seriously.”
Bood nodded sagely. “Balls of steel.”
“He’s terrifying,” Dykstra breathed. “He makes angry Roz look like a fucking kitten. I thought he was going to fucking garrote me from the backseat, or just crash the car and kill us both.”
“I bet. He looked like he was going to rip my lungs out for just touching his arm.” Bood shivered.
“Man, that was either the bravest or stupidest thing I’ve ever seen you do,” Hayes told him. “Including Calgary.”
“Do not bring up Calgary right now, my heart cannot take it,” Dykstra snapped, finally straightening up. “Please tell me you have everything ready?”
Hayes nodded, pulling out several plane tickets, a handful of passports, and a large stack of cash and credit cards all rubberbanded together. Luca blinked. Where the fuck had those come from? “This should be plenty for three weeks, maybe up to five if you stretch it. The cards are all new numbers not tied to anything Centaur,” Hayes reported. “First ticket on the top boards in ninety minutes to Toronto, then there’s a dozen international flights for you to take your pick from. Don’t tell us where you’re going.”
“Obviously,” Dykstra huffed, taking the stack and thumbing through the passports. “This is perfect. Thanks, Wyatt.”
Hayes squeezed his shoulder. “Least I can do. You’re a legend for this one.”
Alright, now Luca was super confused. “Hi, sorry, but what is happening right now?”
“Dykstra is fleeing the country until Hollzy calms down enough to not kill him on sight,” Bood said bluntly.
“Fuck the country, I’m getting off the damn continent,” Dykstra mumbled under his breath.
Luca frowned. “What? Why would Shane do that?”
“Because he just got kidnapped, Luca. That tends to make normal people very upset,” Hayes explained gently. “And Hollander does not play about his weirdly specific threats. It's one of the main reasons Roz fell for him in the first place.”
“Keep him away from Holmberg and LaPointe, too,” Dykstra said. “He clocked the follow car in like five minutes. And he knows we had people at the apartment.”
Bood winced. “Wyatt, any chance you got any more of those go packs handy?”
“Nope,” Hayes answered.
“Dammit. Well, at least we’ll all be killed together,” Bood sighed wistfully. "It was an honor, boys."
"Speak for yourself. I'm asking Harris to fake my death and get me a new identity," Barrett said as he reappeared with a carry-on sized duffle bag and a set of car keys.
Hayes gasped. "Wow, Barrett. After all we've been through together—the ski pole thing, kidnapping Shane Hollander, Calgary—"
"Stop talking about fucking Calgary!"
"—and now you're saying that you would leave us, your brothers, to face our fate alone?" Hayes cried dramatically, grabbing Bood's hand and pulling it tightly to his chest.
"Absolutely I would, yes," Troy said shamelessly. “But I will drive Evan to the airport before I leave the rest of you idiots to rot.” "Yes, please." Dykstra nodded thankfully, which was almost more haunting than Hollander’s promise to 'hunt him for sport.' Dykstra was the Centaurs’ driver. He literally never didn’t drive. "Let's go now. Like, right now."
“Oh my god,” Luca said quietly as the full depth of the situation finally hit him. Then, louder, “Oh my god! You guys kidnapped Hollander to get him here?! I thought you said you were just going to pick him up after work!”
Barrett tilted his head. “I mean that technically is what we did, if you think about it.”
“You had me break into his apartment! He's going to murder me!"
"No, he's not. Cap likes you way too much to let that happen." Bood rolled his eyes.
"That’s not—”
“Haas.” Bood interrupted. “C'mon, you saw how bad Cap’s been the last three weeks. And Hollander’s place looked like a fucking war zone, you said that yourself. Neither of them were doing okay.”
“They need each other. Like cockatiels,” Hayes added. Everyone turned to look at him. He furrowed his eyebrows. “What? They mate for life.”
Barrett shook his head. “You are so weird, man.”
Hayes flipped him off.
“Whatever. Point is, no one was going to make the first move,” Bood said. “We just gave them the kick in the ass they both needed.”
Luca glanced uncertainly up the stairs. “And you’re not worried they’re going to, like, kill each other?”
“Nah.” Hayes reached over and plucked Dykstra’s comm out of his ear. “Cockatiels.”
“Ow! Fucking warn a guy next time, Jesus. I could’ve just handed it to you,” Dykstra snapped, rubbing at the side of his head.
“They’ll be fine.” Bood waved off Luca’s concern way too casually considering how capable of murder they all clearly thought Hollander and Rozanov were. “They’re both gonna yell, one of them’ll cry, then they’ll kiss and make up and fuck it out a few dozen times, and boom.” He clapped his hands together. “Hollzy and Rozy are back together and better than ever.”
Luca winced. “I don’t think I really wanted to know all that.”
Bood grinned and threw an arm over Luca's shoulders. “I think you did, actually,” he teased, steering him after Barrett and Dykstra as they headed out the front doors. “Trust us, Haasy. We’ve got this in the bag.”
“The two of them are crazy, but at least they're a predictable kind of crazy," Barrett said as he padded down the stairs towards a massive black SUV with heavily tinted windows sitting ready and waiting in the driveway. The sedan and mini van Dykstra, Hollander, Holmberg, and LaPointe had arrived in were long gone.
Luca huffed. He’d be way more impressed by how well prepared they all were to run for their lives if he wasn’t also slightly terrified. “You really think Cap would make Hollander cry?” he asked.
Bood laughed. “Oh no, of course not. Roz is a big ol’ softy. Hollzy’s gonna do it.”
What? No, that made no sense. Shane Hollander was easily one of the nicest people Luca had ever met, at least when he wasn't threatening to kill people in horrifyingly creative ways. “No. No way. He would never do that.” Luca was almost offended on Shane’s behalf.
“Not intentionally he wouldn’t, no,” Hayes agreed. “But yeah. It’ll be Cap crying for sure.”
Barrett tossed the duffle bag into the backset of the car. “It always is. You’ll see, Haas.”
“As great as it is helping the rookie learn Hollander-Rozanov wrangling, I'd really like it if I could get to Tijuana before those psychopaths make it out of their makeup sex craze,” Dykstra said as he climbed into the SUV’s passenger seat.
Luca blinked at him. “Is that actually where you’re going?”
“Fuck no,” Dykstra answered. Then he slammed the door shut.
Barrett snorted and shook his head as he rounded the car towards the driver's side, mumbling something about grown-ass man and dramatics.
Bood ruffled Luca’s hair. “Alright, kid, let’s get out of the house for the next few hours. Things’ll calm down by this evening.” He glanced over his shoulder at where Hayes was still standing in the doorway. “Wy, you want to grab food with us?”
Hayes shook his head. “Nah. I need to go shut off every single recording device I have ever put in this house. Hopefully I’m not already too late.”
A loud crash rang out from upstairs, immediately followed by muffled Russian yelling. Then angry French. Then there was the sound of several doors slamming and something heavy hitting a wall. Then someone’s pants were thrown from an open window, and Luca watched as they fell slowly through the air like a slutty autumn leaf until they finally came to rest on top of some bushes near the side of the staircase.
Hayes winced. “Goddammit.”
Bood just laughed harder than ever as he dragged Luca away from the house. “And I do believe that's our cue. C’mon Haasy, I’ll show you how to hot wire one of those electric scooters and disable the maximum speed limit they put on there. You’re gonna love it.”