Chapter Text
Cliff Marleau’s jaw is on the floor. No, screw that, it’s descended through the floor, past the basement, and into the earth’s molten core itself.
Because what, in the actual fuck was he seeing here.
He blinks rapidly, shaking his head as if to clear the image. Because this cannot be real. It simply cannot be. It’s a fake, it’s a hoax, it’s an elaborate prank, it’s…it’s…it’s Ilya Rozanov with his tongue down Shane Hollander’s throat. In the background of some stupid FanMail video Hayden Pike of all people was filming.
And look, he knew Ilya was bi. He didn’t announce it because well, Russia. Cliff’s not exactly an expert on the geopolitical state of LGBTQ+ rights, but he doesn’t live under a complete rock either, even he knows that Russia is far from safe for anyone who doesn’t present as fully and totally straight. So Ilya didn’t “come out” to him, or the Raiders, or anyone really. But Cliff’s been in damn near every club in Boston with the guy, and Rozanov’s one of his best friends. He’s seen him slip out the back a few times with some hot guy, even if he usually slips out the front with some hot woman instead.
Roz has always just been…Roz. Cliff didn’t need a label, and who gives a shit anyway? Ilya could bang whoever he wanted, why the fuck would he care.
Well…maybe he cares a little bit actually. Because come on, Shane fucking Hollander?! A Metro?!
The guy is look, Cliff can admit, objectively hot. I mean he’s pretty sure Hollander’s been named sexiest man in the MLH more than once. It kind of had always blown his mind that the guy didn’t get laid more, or at least, that’s what he heard. He’d always chalked it up to Hollander just being focused, one of those guys who truly lived for the game, as anyone who’d ever played him could attest. Or, frankly, maybe Hollander was just boring. Not everyone likes clubbing, Cliff could admit that. Maybe Hollander really was just some milk toast vanilla guy who liked to read and genuinely enjoyed green juice. I mean that’s psychotic, but not like, impossible.
He’d never stopped to consider that maybe Hollander didn’t go out drinking, or hook up or even ask anyone out (as far as Cliff had heard) because he didn’t need to. Because he was well…already seeing someone. Or fucking them, at least. Cliff’s got no idea what this video means relationship status wise, but he’s had enough sex to know that that isn’t ‘random hookup’ making out or even ‘we’re fooling around’ making out. He and Rozanove are definitely fucking, which is an image that Cliff Marleau never wants to picture actually, thank you very much.
He’s calling Roz before he even realizes it.
“Yes hello? Marly why are you calling me?” fuck, Rozanov sounds exhausted, Marleau hadn’t even stopped to think about how much of a shit storm this must be for him.
Fuck, it’s been too long a pause now. “So um, Hollander?” he finally squeaks out, spluttering a bit.
“Yes Marly, Hollander. Is there problem with this?” Ilya’s voice has hardened, almost like he’s bracing himself for Marly to react badly. And shit no that’s the last thing he wants.
He laughs a little, aiming to break the tension, “of course there’s a problem man, a fucking Metro?! Of all the guys out there who I’m sure are dying to get with you, and it can’t be a Raider’s fan?! You’re killing me, brother.”
He can hear the relief in Rozanov’s voice, “shut your idiot face Marly, is not my fault I am hottest and best player in MLH, of course second hottest and second best player wants to be with me.”
“Hollander hearing you say that?”
“...no. And don’t tell him.”
“Wow, never thought I’d see the day - Ilya Rozanov, afraid of his…bed-mate’s wrath.”
“Bed-mate? What the fuck is bed-mate Marly?”
“I don’t know man, I don’t want to assume!”
“Assume?” Rozanov scoffs, “Marly there is public video of us making out, what is there to assume?”
“I mean I don’t know, fuck buddies felt…rude? I mean it’s Shane Hollander man, the guy’s like, incredible.”
“Get your own boyfriend Marly, mine is taken.”
His jaw is on the floor again, “boyfriend? Wow, okay well that clears up my next question then.”
“Yes, boyfriend. Shane is my boyfriend and I love him very much and together we will win many cups and if we have babies they will be genetically perfect hockey players no one will ever be able to compare.”
“N-no man I just, wow. Congrats?”
“Yes, is correct I think. Shane is wonderful.” there’s a kind of reverence in Rozanov’s voice Marly’s never heard before.
“Oh you are down bad man.”
Ilya pauses, his voice much quieter now. “Yes, he is love of my life I think. And he is so stressed right now, is all so terrible and I cannot fix it.”
“Hey man, I get it, I can’t even imagine what you guys must be going through. Wait - fuck, you aren’t like, Russia isn’t going to like arrest you or something right?!”
“Eh probably not. I am trying to become Canadian though, just to be safe. It is hard though, some Canadian things are good, like hockey of course, but some Canadian things are very stupid, They just sit and look at fires being fires, I do not understand this.”
“Roz you know if you need anything - fuck if there’s anything I can do to help just let me know, you know that right? I’ve still got you brother.”
He can feel Ilya sag through the phone, like all the energy is on the verge of draining out of him. “I appreciate it Marly. Can you make all of Twitter go away?”
“No, but I can punch Kent in the face next time I see him for you.”
Rozanov at least chuckles a bit at that, “yes please, I will order this hit.” and then, quietly, and far more sincere than he’s used to, “thank you Marly. I mean this.”
They sit in companionable silence for a few minutes, before Marly dares to ask the second question he hasn’t been able to get out of his head ever since he heard the news and confirmed it was, in fact, real.
“Hey can I ask though, I mean all those years…did things not work out with Jane? It seemed like you were pretty hung up on her, I kinda thought she’s who you’d settle down with.”
“Marly.” Can the slavic stare exist in a word? It suddenly feels like it can. “Shane is Montreal Jane.”
“....what.”
“Yes. It was always Shane. Is why I never brought Jane around, or talked much about it or anything. Because whole time, was my famous ‘rival’ Shane Hollander." His voice is dripping with something between sarcasm, and fond exasperation.
“But Jane - Shane…hang on so this has been going on for like a decade?!”
“...yes.”
And suddenly, Cliff’s heart plummets straight into his stomach. “Oh fuck, oh FUCK I - Roz I -”
How on earth does he explain this - hey Roz remember when you were really sad for like six months and I secretly texted Jane behind your back and I’m now realizing in real time that I was texting Shane fucking Hollander the whole time?!
He takes a deep breath, “so remember that year you were like, depressed as fuck and almost killed O’Malley because you were fighting with Jane and -”
Rozanov’s grinning now, he can hear it in his voice, “and you texted Jane in secret to try to fix it? Yes Marly, I remember.”
“You’re telling me I was texting Shane fucking Hollander?!”
“Yes.”
“I - what -” Rozanov is cackling on the other end of the line.
“Oh yes Marly, I had to hear for weeks about how my team was full of little babies who could not handle conditioning.”
It hits him. The video.
“Rozanov.” he starts, his voice now deadly calm, “are you telling me you made all of us get on our knees in the locker room and apologize to Shane Hollander?”
“Da, Marly - you said you were begging, right? I think that is what message was, I had to send message of my own.”
“...I am going to fucking kill you Rozanov.”
**
Shane looks down at his phone, his brow furrowing at an unfamiliar group text. Fuck, probably someone else looking to weigh in on his relationship, or his gayness, or whatever the fuck. Why does he even have a phone.
The Raider’s Revenge
Hollander
Um…hi? Who is this?
Marleau
Hi Hollander, so it has come to our collective attention that you are seeing our old Captain, and apparently have been for some time now.
Shane steels himself.
Hollander
Yes, I have been. Why?
Marleau
Well first of all, sorry for texting you out of the blue years ago, that was probably terrifying.
Shane furrows his brow, I mean it had been, but what why was Marleau bringing that up now of all times?
Hollander
I mean it was, but after that it was mostly just incredible. And also if I’m being honest, kind of helpful actually, so…thank you? I guess?
Marleau
Yes yes wonderful, first of all - if you break Roz’s heart we’re going to kill you, you know that right?
[Conners, Michaels, and 10 others have liked this message]
Hollander
Yes, I mean of course - I don’t intend to.
Marleau
Good. Well as I’m sure you also remember, Rozanov made us all “apologize” to Jane.
Hollander
Oh I remember, you could not pay me to delete that video.
Marleau
Yes well, this brings me here. Boys…have at it.
And Shane’s phone practically explodes as a flurry of photos and videos come rolling in. There’s Ilya, going down the Boston cop slide in the middle of the night during a snow storm, without a coat on, Ilya snowboarding without a helmet shouting that ‘Russians cannot be hurt by snow you moron’, Ilya attempting to climb the outside of the Raider’s home stadium because someone in the background bet him he couldn’t do it, Ilya in a car without a seatbelt, loudly arguing with the driver about the best EDM music, Ilya on what appears to be a Raider’s camping trip with nothing more than the clothes on his back…it takes five full minutes before the texts finally stop.
Marleau
May I present, on behalf of the Raiders - our revenge. Use it well.
And Shane Hollander laughs so hard he falls off his bed. Their bed, his brain helpfully supplies.
Hollander
Oh my God. This is incredible. And also, I am going to kill him this is all so dangerous.
But wait, I expected more like…clubbing videos?
Conners
Oh we have those too, but we figured you know that about Roz already, I mean it was always all over Twitter.
Anderson
But videos of Cap making stupid decisions and doing dangerous shit with no regard for his own safety or the laws of physics? Now that’s blackmail when you’re dating Shane Hollander.
I mean…we assume.
[Hollander likes this message]
“Ilya Rozanov” he shouts, what Ilya calls his “captain voice” echoing through their apartment. "Get your ass in here right now, you are in so much trouble.”
***
Raiders Forever
Rozanov
TRAITORS
I am going to fucking kill you
How dare you
Conners
Payback’s a bitch Cap.
O’Malley
Yeah Roz, enjoy the couch!
Rozanov
He has ordered me bicycle helmet, and I have already gotten three lectures about frostbite
I am going to beat you all to death with this bicycle helmet