Chapter Text
The first few months in New York pass by in a haze, between adjusting to the sheer insane size of the city and memorizing the public transport, Ramona is fully occupied for most of her days.
She kind of prefers it that way, giving her less time alone with her thoughts.
She feels herself jumping from home to school to the bookstore she's begun to frequent, and tries not to think about how different her life is now compared to the rest of it.
In the insanity of it all, she even finds herself making new friends, whether it's at school or at one of those parties Connor seems to drag her to, she’s started to quite like the social life in New York City.
She'd never really been the type to mingle as much, but she'd never really imagined herself as the type to just up and move here either, so there's a first time for everything.
Don't get her wrong though, she definitely still prefers the peace and quiet of being alone with whatever she's reading at the time and whatever monstrosity of a joint she's managed to roll, but it isn't so bad to have people who can get her mind off the shitty year she's had.
Though, fuck, she just can't help but compare.
She misses the way the quiet moved in Sterling Point, the rustle of leaves on the forest floor as little creatures made their way to whatever destinations their little legs could get them to, the way the air travelled over water carrying over laughter from miles away.
Most of all though, she misses the people. Misses her people.
The way Sully would know her exact order before she's even entered the café, smiling widely whenever she showed her face, his moms sharing greetings from the back.
She missed the way her and Ellis could find themselves tinkering around the boats at the dock in quiet, comfortable silences, the way neither of them were really too big on conversation, yet enjoyed the simplicity of the other’s company.
She missed Annie, of course, she'd just gotten used to having her sister around and she keeps wanting to see her. Sure, they've been texting and calling and updating each other, but it's nowhere near the same.
She thinks of sweet little Maple and the way they wound bond over books together, she thinks of her with every new book she gets, stashes a few in her room to bring back to her whenever she goes back.
More than anything she misses strong, stable arms around her, holding her. Misses the way those rings would feel around her midriff, the slight cold from the silver hitting her skin just the right way, comforting her.
Misses the soft caresses across her face, the private touches and even more private conversations, the sweet reassurances in that accent of hers.
God, she feels pathetic when she wakes up in the morning and realizes that she's not in her bed on the island, that the arms around her were nothing more but a dream.
“Because I love you,” she remembers Oona saying in that sweet, soft tone she reserved just for her.
She always, despite all her pride and stubbornness, has to swallow hard to keep her heart in place.
(Do you feel my absence the way I feel yours?
Even in this house you’ve never been in?)
It’s something they fall into naturally, spending more time together than apart. They’d never even had a proper date, they don’t need to. Instead, they continue the way they always had, simply defaulting to the assumption that their day will end with the other involved.
They don’t even really announce themselves anymore, Maple and Annie both more than used to just spotting the other at their respective places.
They’re lazing around under Ramona’s covers, feet overlapping and sticking out from the covers, a desperate attempt at regulating the heat that inevitably comes from being physically glued to each other.
“I’ve been thinking,” Oona says, voice slightly muffled from the fact that she’s buried her lips so far in Ramona’s hair that you would think she’s trying to fuse into the other girl.
Ramona grins at that, pulls away slightly to look at Oona and, “Pause on that,” she says. “This is going to make headlines, you, actually thinking and not only that but admitting to–”
Oona scoffs at that, presses her lips on the underside of Ramona’s jaw and blows in annoyance at which Ramona squirms and attempts to push her away, “I was going to say, I think I’d be fine with us staying like this forever.”
She can see the shy smile forming on Ramona’s lips, watches the way she licks her lips before she responds, “Yeah?”
“Mhm,” she grins, resting her head on the pillow right next to Ramona’s, her free palm cupping Ramona’s face, letting her thumb run on her cheek softly, “I don’t think it’d be half bad.”
Now, she comes home to an empty house for the most part.
Steven is often busy, work and whatnot taking up most of his time, though he tries, texts her if she and Connor want anything from the bakery down the street whenever he’s held up at work, it’s admittedly nice to know that someone is thinking of you.
Connor is there, but it’s almost like he isn’t. He’s not like Annie, doesn’t shove himself in her space, mostly just does whatever it is he does.
She thinks of an alternate universe, one where she gets to open up that butterfly sanctuary, one where she comes home to a full home, the echoes of tiny paws skidding across the floorboards as their cats run towards the door to greet her, Oona coming by right after them and greeting her with a welcome back kiss, the ring on her finger catching the light just right.
She’s working on that piece for her creative writing elective late on a random Saturday in February, going back and refining everything about a million times, somehow managing to overthink even something as simple as a high school English project.
It’s personal, she thinks, a little too personal even, but she can’t help herself. Once she sat down and started writing she couldn’t stop, she wrote about the fleetingness of life, about the short-lived relationships she’s had to come to terms with in her life, from the non-existent one with her mother who feels more like an idea than a real person to her newfound sisterhood with Annie.
She talks about the importance of a loving support system, the importance of a person you can turn to at all time, she talks about Oona. Not directly, she couldn’t stomach the idea, but she feels her presence between each paragraph she has written, feels her in all of it before she feels herself getting nauseous at the thought of it, cringes at herself for being this dramatic.
By midnight she feels like she needs to seek a second opinion and calls Annie on a whim.
“Hey,” she says once she hears the ding from the other side, “can you tell me what you think of this?”
She can hear Annie nod against the phone before she realizes that Ramona can’t really see her and she verbalizes it instead, “Sure, yes, of course.”
Ramona decides to make herself a cup of coffee while she waits for Annie’s input, the silence on the other end is deeply uncharacteristic for the other girl but she doesn’t think much of it.
Annie starts to laugh which immediately jolts Ramona back to reality.
“What?” She asks, furrowing her brows.
Annie is quiet for a second, her laughter dying down for long enough to answer her, “Are you– um, and please forgive me for this, are you sure you don’t want to just call her and talk to her?”
“Oh, fuck off.”
The seasons roll by quickly.
Christmas passes in a blink, Annie and Ellis visiting for New Years, they spend their winter around the city, there really is nothing like a New York Christmas, she admits begrudgingly.
Spring is over before it’s even begun and next thing she knows, she's on the phone with her sister planning a long overdue visit to Muskoka.
It's a wonder she even made it this long without caving in and booking a flight.
She's nervous, excited, but nervous.
She'd left with so much inner turmoil that she worries that all her healing will be undone the moment she sets foot on familiar Canadian soil.
And also that other thing.
It's 3am when she finally lands, exiting the gate to make her way to that all familiar seaplane (the boatplane, as Annie had called it).
She smiles at Ellis as he waves to her, he doesn't even attempt to pick up her luggage for her, he knows she would've kicked his shins in if he tried. Instead, he just opens the door for her and lets her chuck her stuff in before giving her a brief hug.
Annie’s sentimentality had definitely rubbed off on him.
The reunion with her sister goes as it always does, with Annie clinging to Ramona as if they didn't talk on the phone almost every single day and as if Annie wasn't just visiting back home a month ago.
It feels good to be back though, good to be home.
They're sitting in their typical booth in the back of Sully’s moms’ place, chatting about everything that's happened in her absence.
Not much has really changed, at least not physically, though she can feel the growth of everybody in the room. She wonders if they can sense her growth too, if she feels even a little bit more free to them than before she left.
She's trying to ignore the giant elephant that’s screaming ‘address me’ in her ear, but she can't help but notice Oona’s absence in it all.
Everybody but her seems to be here, hell the girl’s own little sister was here, sitting right across from Ramona, she'd hugged her enthusiastically once she saw her.
She doesn't want to be the one to bring her up, doesn't want to act like she's not happy to see the rest of her friends, but it hurts, just a little.
It hurts to think that she couldn't even bring herself to come see her after all this time and like, come on, she knows that they ended things on a bad note, but it makes no sense.
She was her best friend before anything, she thought Oona would at least dignify her with an awkward reunion.
She's about to muster up the courage and finally ask when Sully’s mom walks up to their table, welcoming her back before turning to Maple, “Sweetheart, how's your sister feeling?”
Maple's face turns to something strange that has Ramona’s stomach doing flips, “Well, I’m not really sure, she told me to come here without her and said she felt fine, but…” she admits hesitantly.
Ramona feels her eyebrows furrowing at that, she swallows hard, “What's wrong? Is she sick?”
She can feel everyone's eyes on her, judging her reaction, trying not to say anything about the panic in her voice, but she honestly couldn't care less right now.
She sees Maple nod stiffly across from her as she lowers her gaze slightly, “She's been down with a fever for the past two days, I’ve been trying my best, but she's usually the one who takes care of me when I’m sick.”
Ramona feels her face twist into a type of worry she knows all too well and she feels herself rise up and out of her seat abruptly, way before she can even truly think about it rationally.
She mutters a quick ‘I’m gonna go see her’ before she's rushing out the door.
The thought of Oona being sick and alone while they were all just hanging out here made her feel nauseous.
She hadn't even considered the fact that they hadn't properly seen each other in a year, didn't even have a chance to think about how Oona might react to her just showing up at her door.
All she really knew was the fact that she could feel her chest contorting as she made her way to her motorboat, unable to shake the guilt of poor, sweet, attentive Oona always being the caring one and not having anyone taking care of her in turn.
Lowkey, she wishes she could kill Oona’s mother, but that's a story for another day.
To her relief, she enters the boathouse to find Oona tucked in her bed, she’s surrounded by wet tissues and enveloped in darkness entirely.
There's sweat shining on her forehead and her usually beautiful curls are unkept and rowdy, spread all over the pillow she's made herself a burrow in.
Her relief (and underlying happiness of seeing her again) are super short lived, because she realizes she's never seen Oona like this. Looking this frail and vulnerable, nothing like her usually confident and outgoing self, curled under sweaty covers and pillows, unable to keep her head straight because each time she does the nausea comes right back and out of her.
Ramona tiptoes towards Oona’s bed as slowly as she can, carefully and softly calling her name to see if she's even awake and knows she's here, she doesn't want to startle her.
She tries not to stare too much, wonders if she’d get struck by lightning if she let her gaze linger for too long before she shakes her head and decides to wake the other girl up for real this time.
She shakes her shoulder gently and Oona jolts awake with a startled gasp, she blinks her eyes awake and looks around the place before focusing on the figure in front of her.
“Mona?” She mumbles out in disbelief, her words slurring from the sleep, voice raspy in an entirely unnatural way.
She's fully convinced that whatever she's seeing is a fever dream, because why would Ramona even be here?
“Um, hey,” Ramona responds, forcing her face to relax because she doesn't want to stress Oona out even more, she reaches out and feels Oona’s forehead before asking, “Maple told me you weren't feeling well, how are you?”
The touch has Oona jumping back, completely opposite to the way she used to melt under Ramona’s hands, she stares at her wide-eyed.
“What– What are you doing here? When did you even get here? You should–” She pauses, startled by a cough escaping from the back of her throat, she folds over and tries to control it as it tears out of her, “... You should be out there, with them.”
Ramona should probably be offended at her response, should probably be angry that she's so quick to push her away,even after all this time apart, but she’s just tired.
She's tired and she's worried and she doesn't have it in her to argue.
In the end, she settles on a sigh, “Oona.”
The silence that hangs in the air between them is almost suffocating, nothing like the comfortable silence that used to envelop them when they were alone before.
She’s about to tell Ramona to leave, to go before she catches whatever hell disease she's got, but Ramona gently moves to lie down on the bed next to her.
“Move over.”
She doesn't really wait for a response, instead she settles on the bed, shifting until she’s comfortable and wastes no time before she pulls Oona towards herself.
The taller girl sort of tumbles towards her, if she had any strength left in her maybe she would've fought it, tried harder to make Ramona leave.
The warmth of Ramona’s hand splayed on the small of her back rubbing soft patterns into the skin there disarms her in a way she hasn't felt since the last time they'd been this close.
She feels a tear prick her eye before she settles her head in the spot between Ramona’s neck and shoulder perfectly, feeling more at peace than she has in a long time.
She wonders if it's all just another cruel dream and Ramona will simply be gone by the time she wakes up.
She finds it hard to fight sleep now, not when she's finally, finally allowed to burrow her nose in Ramona’s collarbone and fill her lungs with that characteristic scent that she's missed so much.
So that's where Ramona finds herself now, not even 24 hours after landing, lying right next to Oona, in Oona’s bed with her ex girlfriend in her arms.
God, she's genuinely not a serious person.
And if she presses the lightest kisses to Oona’s head and pulls her even closer as she sleeps, it's nobody's business but hers.
As it turns out, she heavily underestimated how much the short flight to Canada had actually drained her and she struggles to keep herself awake. She has half the mind to pull out her phone from her back pocket and to set an alarm 30 minutes from now.
She should make her some soup when she wakes up, she thinks before she dozes off too, the smell of Oona’s hair filling up her already sleep-drunk brain.
When Oona wakes up a few hours later, it's to Maple sitting on the bed across from hers, nose buried in some red book, she couldn't really make out the letters and to a light and healthy feeling in her body.
No sign that Ramona was even here, besides the smell of soup in the air, a fresh pot of coffee on the counter and the faint scent of her on Oona’s pillow.
Oona doesn't really see Ramona again for the next two or three days that come, still opting to stay at home and rest before she embarrasses herself in front of the other girl again.
What's another few days of not seeing her to what she thought would be an eternity.
She spends most of her time staring out at the sea, in her own thoughts, thinking about what she could possibly say the next time she sees her. She cleans around the boat in a way that is almost manic, Maple tells her to take it easy and that she never cleans, why would she do it now that she's still sick.
It frustrates the hell out of her that she can't bring herself to just go out and talk to Ramona.
To apologize for the nonsense she told her the last time they saw each other, to apologize for letting her go without goodbye, to apologize for letting her own stupid stupid fear of being left behind dictate the way she treats her.
“I was thinking we should throw a party,” Oona says from where she's leaning on their kitchen counter, “you know, celebrate before miss Annie over here leaves for New York and all.”
“How many people are we talking?” Annie says as Ramona passes her the cutting board, “You know, last time we had a party here it didn't go so well.”
“Yeah, well, this time I think we'll put a limit on the unknown men, no?” She says as she intercepts the aforementioned cutting board, chucking a piece of carrot in her mouth.
Ramona scoffs at her and pushes her away, “What about the unknown women, then?”
“Aw,” Oona coos at her, she steps up behind Ramona’s back and wraps her arms around her waist, presses a kiss on Ramona’s cheek where she can see her smile, “You know I don't know any girls that aren't Ramona Campbell, baby.”
“Okay, I think that's my call then,” Annie says before excusing herself from the kitchen, probably off to find her boyfriend and save herself.
The next time they see each other, it's at Gordon’s cottage, they're all here lounging around the living room, chatting about anything and everything.
Mostly catching up with Ramona’s adventures in The Big Apple, Oona remarked almost bitterly.
She was happy that Ramona did what she did, happy that the other girl got to see the world and experience it for herself.
She loved hearing about Ramona’s interest in writing, loved hearing about the museums she visited, and loved hearing about whatever else Ramona wanted to share with them.
What she didn't really love was hearing about Ramona’s outings with Connor. Sue her.
Learning about the girls that would fawn over her, even if Ramona tried to downplay it, made her feel slightly sick. Just slightly.
She had no right to be jealous, she told Ramona to go see the world and she did. It's just that the mere idea of other girls seeing who her heart still saw as her girl made her want to take her fingers and poke her eyes out.
She had no right to say anything, so she chose to pretend to be more interested in the stray acorns that the squirrels had brought into the house.
To pretend that the scowl on her face was caused by anything but the conversation at hand.
They don't really talk much, at least not seriously.
They share a few quips, here and there, but it's stunted and harsh in a way that their conversations never were before.
If their friends notice, they don't say anything. They know that getting involved with whatever Ramona and Oona have going on will only end up in something nuclear.
In true Sterling Point fashion, summer almost passes by entirely without them getting to sit down alone and really talk.
To say that Oona was frustrated was an understatement.
Whenever she attempted to start anything, something was blocking her way. She felt as though the universe wanted her to kill herself.
Even Maple was growing annoyed with her pacing – ‘just go talk to her, you idiot’ – as if it's that easy to just go up to her door and ask her to talk.
Well.
“I don’t know. I guess I’ll just wait for her to talk to me, if she even does,” Ramona says, a slight frown settling on her face, stressing already. “What if she’s changed, though. What if I just don’t know how to talk to her anymore.”
Annie looks at her, sympathy showing on her face, she’d always been the more sensible one, Ramona was kind of glad she spoke before Connor could whack her in the face with whatever stupidity he’s come up with, “Ramona, she’s definitely changed, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing, okay? You’ve changed, too.”
Ramona sighs, “I guess you’re right. Maybe, I’m just being a pussy for no reason.”
“Babes, you’re definitely not,” Annie chimes in, “if the ex love of my life was suddenly this close to me… Girl, I'd be shitting my pants too, too.”
And Ramona almost finally outs herself, her mouth itching to correct her, to finally admit to her sister that she never stopped thinking of Oona as the love of her life, that somewhere deep in her heart they were still girlfriends, that she still has days where she wakes up and expects to hear Oona humming around the cottage.
That she’d just sort of come to terms with the fact that it'll always and forever be her.
Don’t get her wrong, Ramona tried her hardest to move on from Oona while she was in New York. She even let Connor convince her to try Hinge of all things – though she’d rather not remember the amount of people who’d just wanted her as a potential threesome victim, no thanks.
Ramona’s sixteen or something when she realizes she’s in love with Oona. She says or something because when she thinks back on it, she was definitely too young to know anything about love. It’s the truth though. Oona had been her best friend for years.
So Ramona is sixteen and she feels her heart beating in places it shouldn’t – her wrist, her stomach, inside of her mouth, on the sides of her head, pounding.
She doesn’t tell anyone - she knows that nobody will get it. She can picture Gordon’s wise, stern voice in her head, honey you’re literally in high school, you don’t need to worry about love. And she decides to keep her peace and keep it to herself for a while, maybe she is being dramatic.
And Oona, well – Oona– it’s kind of really hard to tell what she thinks about it all, if she thinks about it at all.
Though Oona seems absorbed by Ramona, the affection is too natural to think about too hard, too right to push away. Her hands in Ramona’s hair and her hands around her waist. She only seems to move closer to her, as if she can sense whenever Ramona is all up in her head.
Eventually Ramona just assumes that Oona could never be in love with her, too. Oona just hides in her usual, charming way, answering nothing, smiling at everybody.
Ramona floats around her.
She hears about it while she's at work, flitting around Annie as she services whatever customers they have left.
“Yeah, she's going tomorrow morning.”
It makes her stop in her tracks, she doesn't even know how she manages to not drop whatever she was holding immediately at that.
She thought she had more time. She had it all planned out – invite her out to stargaze, just the two of them like old times, finally apologize to her, probably make out a little and then live happily ever after.
She doesn't even know what time it is before she chucks the apron off and mutters a quick i’llbrb in Sully’s ear before she's rushing out of the café.
She doesn't really have a lot planned when she rushes towards Gordon's cottage. She's not even really thinking at all.
What she knows is that she's probably about to let the girl she loves leave again and they haven't even properly talked again. Oona feels her heart climb in her body up to her throat with every step she takes, feeling it settling there as she reaches the familiar closed door.
She lifts a hesitant hand to twist the knob and forces herself through it, into the empty living room. She manages to slow down her racing heart before she manages to utter a word, “Mona?”
She trudges towards the stairs that lead to Ramona and Annie’s room, her hands are trembling slightly, she can't seem to find the strength to walk up the stairs.
She all but stumbles her way up, breathing a little frantically as she does. She couldn't let Ramona walk away from her again. After several seconds of stumbling her way towards the door of Ramona’s room, she finds that it's already opened and that Ramona isn't in there. She's about to start panicking when, “Oona?”
Slowly, she turns around towards the source of the voice to find Ramona standing right in front of her, her breath catching in her throat as she settles on her, the confused look on Ramona’s face adding even more to the moment.
She missed her so much.
She didn't really give herself a second to think before she was rushing forward and wrapping herself around Ramona. She clutched the smaller girl in her arms as if she was afraid that she might disappear out of her sight again.
“Oona, what's–”
She doesn't let her finish before she pulls back and starts speaking, the words coming out of her mouth as if she has no control over them, “Ramona, please don't go. Don't leave again, I– I don't want you to leave. I know I said all that stupid shit about doing what's best for you that I never should've even been saying, but, God, I just– Please, don’t leave me.”
She pauses for a second, letting herself catch her breath. She's afraid to see the look on Ramona’s face when she glances back at her so she focuses her gaze on the old, worn-down floorboards in front of her.
“Oona–”
Oona just steels her gaze for a long, long moment before she looks up, eyes slowly settling on the girl in front of her, searching Ramona’s face, drinking in her features because she knows she's about to embarrass herself for the last time.
She has no choice but to get it all out now, while she’s still got the chance.
“I don't– Ramona, I can't move on, I can't see anybody else when everywhere I look I just see you. Nobody compares, nobody knows me as well, nobody– Nobody loves me like you did,” her voice cracks slightly as she speaks, forcing herself to keep going despite the overwhelming feeling of ohmygodimgonnathrowup, “All I see is you. All I know is you and I want you to live and experience life, but I also really really want you here with me and I don't know what to do.”
“Oona,” Ramona gently shushes her, her own face twists at Oona’s words, like she can't bear to watch the other girl in pain.
Oona shakes her head at that, her curls fall on her face at the movement but she doesn't even care, she stares down at Ramona and powers through, “I know it's selfish, but I– I can't. I don't want you to be with anyone else, I can't help that I want you all to myself, even though I have no right.”
She thinks Ramona is going to scream at her, thinks she's finally gonna get the boot and at least be afforded the closure of a proper rejection, but instead what Ramona does is rush towards her. She pulls Oona in and encases her in her arms, does her best to fully encompass Oona’s taller stature, rests her head under Oona’s chin.
“Oona, you can be such a dumbass sometimes,” she soothes her, “We should've just done this from the start, you beautiful idiot. I’ve only ever been yours.”
And Ramona must see it in her face when she tilts her head back, the way it breaks because she reaches out tenderly and brushes the stray tears on her cheekbones, the mess of feeling everything at once is showing on her face.
Oona leans into the touch, like she always used to, seeking Ramona’s touch like a drug, “I’m sorry– I’m sorry I've been such a dick, you know with the breakup and the shitty phone calls and everything.”
Ramona shakes her head at that, she looks up at her and winds her arms around her neck, her hold on Oona tightens, “I wasn't exactly a saint either, God, but leaving you that day. Leaving without even seeing you, without knowing if I’ll ever see you again, it broke me. Oona, I know you think of yourself as disposable, but I couldn't have stopped loving you even if I tried.”
“Baby,” Oona feels herself saying, feels the sharp breath Ramona takes when she hears it. She pulls back ever so slightly from the shorter girl in her arms, tries to get a better look at her and cups her cheeks with her hands. She lets the pads of her thumbs brush out the hair out of Ramona’s face and drinks up the way that Ramona relaxes into her touch.
“Not only will you see me again, but we'll be old and wrinkly with our cats and I'll still love you like it's my first time seeing you.”
Ramona's soft grin grows into a full blown smile, lighting up her features, clearly pleased by the answer. She closes her eyes as Oona bends down slightly to plant a lingering kiss on her forehead.
Silence passes between them before Oona speaks again, uncharacteristically shy.
“Can I, um–” she stammers, pauses to swallow quickly, “Will you let me kiss you?”
Ramona’s shy nod is enough to have her propelling towards her, face losing all of its defenses as she regains her confidence and she surges forward, capturing Ramona’s lips.
Then, like clockwork, they're lying down on Ramona’s bed again, for the first time in a year, when Ramona speaks softly from her place on Oona’s chest.
“What made you come to me today, anyway?” She says, a confused look flooding her features once again, she never really did get to ask her that earlier.
“Um, I got really scared because Annie said you were leaving tomorrow and–”
She doesn't really get to finish what she was trying to say because Ramona is moving to sit up straighter, she looks at her and goes, “Babe, I’m not going anywhere.”
At that, Oona sits up too, eyebrows furrowing in confusion, she could've sworn Annie said she was leaving tomorrow, “But–”
“I was just gonna go to Barrie to sign some stuff because I’m 18 now, I’m not actually going anywhere,” she smiles, clearly amused at Oona’s misunderstanding, “but, hey, I’m kinda happy you got confused.”
Oona’s face blanks at that, before she feels her ears getting red from embarrassment and pouts a little, “oh.”
Ramona can't help the feeling of affection that overwhelms her, who can blame her really, Oona is just really cute like this. Cute and all hers.
Really, if she jumps her and peppers her face with kisses, nobody needs to know.
(They talk about their plans more later, about the future, about where they'll be staying and how they'll go about everything from now on.
Their fears don't paralyze them this time, aware that they mean nothing in the grand scheme of things, promising to tell each other when they're afraid next time.
They don't really have to figure it all out now, they can just exist for at least a little while.)