Chapter Text
Haruaki had promised himself he would make it through the graduation ceremony without crying.
He lasted approximately five minutes; after that, it was hopeless.
He cried during the opening ceremony, cried when his students received their diplomas, cried during the farewell speech, and completely lost whatever remained of his composure when the class thanked him for being their teacher.
Still, beneath all those tears was an enormous, almost overwhelming sense of pride. These were the first students he had ever taught. And they were graduating.
His students were graduating.
He would remember them and this moment for the rest of his life.
***
And yet, as the crowd slowly began to disperse, Haruaki found his eyes wandering through the familiar faces, until, eventually, they stopped on one in particular.
Sano-kun.
He was simply standing there, hands in his pockets, patiently watching the last of the students and teachers leave. He approached Haruaki quietly while the others were still saying their goodbyes. Haruaki barely had time to turn before Mikoto leaned closer and whispered:
- Roof. One hour.
After everything that had happened between them, Haruaki couldn't help the sudden rush of warmth spreading across his face.
Before his ex-homeroom teacher could say anything else, Mikoto pulled back and gave him a familiar, smug little look.
- And don't even try to run away.
After that Mikoto simply turned away, apparently satisfied, and headed after his classmates and friends.
Haruaki remained still where he was, watching him go.
An hour.
He already knew what they were going to talk about; there was no point pretending otherwise.
Haruaki felt sick.
***
"You're so cool, Sano-kun!"
"A hottie! A super hottie!"
"Of course I trust you!"
He had never hidden special meanings behind these words, - or at least, he had thought so, because in Haruaki's mind those were simple facts.
But perhaps there had been something beneath them all along. Something Haruaki had been too inexperienced to recognize. Because what else could explain how much he had come to depend on Sano's presence?
Haruaki remembered all those countless moments when he had practically thrown himself toward Sano-kun for protection; he remembered how easily he had started relying on him - almost from the first day they met - so naturally that Haruaki hadn't even noticed it happening. He remembered all those times he had run to Sano-kun, sought him out, reached out to him, missed him, thought of him, - like Sano-kun had already become someone Haruaki couldn't imagine his days without, even without him noticing.
After all, if they had long before graduation ceased to be just a teacher and student, then...
Haruaki clenched his teeth. No.
Or was he merely grateful that someone had finally chosen him?
Haruaki had never dated anyone - he wasn't even sure if he had never been in love before, so how was he supposed to recognize love when he had nothing to compare it to?
And that was another reason why he was going to do what he had to do - because he didn't want to lie to Sano-kun. He didn't want to take something so sincere and answer it with feelings that weren't equally sincere.
And yet, whenever he imagined Sano-kun walking away, whenever he imagined never hearing his irritated voice again, never seeing that familiar expression, never having him linger beside after class...
It hurt. It hurt more than any heartbreak could, - perhaps because Haruaki had never had a real heartbreak before. Haruaki pressed a hand against his chest, trying to steady the unfamiliar ache there.
No, pull it together.
He had spent the entire hour convincing himself that he was doing the right thing. He had built his arguments carefully. He was ready.
Haruaki left the classroom, closed the door behind him quietly and headed toward the roof, his footsteps slow but certain - toward the goodbye he had already decided to say.
***
The rooftop door opened with a soft creak.
Mikoto was already there. He turned around to see the door opening, and for a few seconds, Haruaki could do nothing but stare.
The setting sun cast a warm glow over his blond hair, turning the edges almost golden, while the fading light deepened the blue of his eyes. Sano-kun had always been handsome, - Haruaki had said it himself often enough, - but seeing him now was... Different.
He had grown taller. His features had matured. The blond hair, the striking blue eyes, that perpetually calm expression - it was all unmistakably Sano-kun, but now Haruaki could no longer convince himself that he was looking at a boy; he was looking at a grown young man.
Blinded, for one terrible moment, Haruaki allowed himself to imagine what would happen if he changed his mind. If he told Sano-kun the truth. If he admitted that he had thought about him more than a teacher should have. If he admitted that perhaps -
No.
Haruaki felt his thoughts disintegrating into letters, and those letters reassembling into words - bitter words he had learned by heart but did not want to utter.
- Please, give up on me, Sano-kun!
He bowed in a supplicating gesture - or rather, doubled over in pain.
Haruaki's fingers curled helplessly against his palms. He couldn't bring himself to look up, already imagining what he would see if he did, so he kept his head bowed, his eyes squeezed tightly shut.
Perhaps Sano-kun would be angry - no, he definitely would be. Perhaps he would laugh bitterly, perhaps he would call him an idiot, or a coward, - Haruaki had prepared himself for anger, for disappointment; he had even prepared himself to be hated, but what he hadn't prepared himself for was --
- Okay.
Huh?
Haruaki's eyes flew open, wide and bewildered, his brain went blank.
...What?
The emotionless answer struck him surprisingly hard - harder than any angry retort could have. But he said what he had planned, and even got the answer he was supposed to - so why... Ah.
He knew the answer.
Because suddenly - and probably too late - Haruaki realized that beneath all this careful reasoning, beneath all the hypocritical things he had told himself about Sano-kun's future and what was best for him, there had been one selfish, disgusting, sticky little hope all along. And now it had been torn to pieces.
Wait...
Haruaki lifted his head slowly, almost automatically --
And immediately his cheeks were caught firmly between Sano-kun's hands.
- W-wha...
Haruaki blinked, now unable to look away from blue eyes with tiny, but unmistakable sparks of amusement, - Mikoto's expression was almost smug now.
- You really thought that I'll say so, huh?
Haruaki's mouth opened, but no sound came out. Mikoto's fingers were still holding his cheeks, gently squishing them to make Haruaki's lips pout.
- What made you think that few pathetic words would make me stop liking you?
Mikoto softly squeezed Haruaki's face one more time before stepping back. Now he was clearly demanding an answer, the amusement faded from his eyes.
- I just... - The teacher's voice faltered as Mikoto's fingers left his cheeks. - I thought you'd be happier if I let you go.
The god's expression changed, now something determined and stubborn could be read in his eyes, - like he was starting a fight he'd been prepared to.
- You don't get to decide that for me.
- You deserve a normal future!
- And I should give up just because of imaginary something neither of us could predict?
- B-but you're still so young...
Mikoto didn't answer this time; he merely raised an eyebrow, unimpressed by the argument presented, and Haruaki tried once more to recall another reason - of which he had had a great many just a couple of minutes ago - but now not a single one remained. Haruaki swallowed but continued, though much less confident in his own thoughts.
- You're my student.
- The ceremony's over. I'm not your student anymore.
- You have so much ahead of you...
- And so do you.
Mikoto was calmly, confidently saying the very things Haruaki both desperately feared and longed to hear.
- But you're a god! - Haruaki's voice came out louder than he intended, and Mikoto blinked, his composure wavered slightly . - You're immortal, Sano-kun. I'm not!
Haruaki's hands trembled as he blurted this out nervously, no longer worrying about making his reasoning seem mature and convincing - because this argument was perhaps the weightiest and the only one that Mikoto couldn't just as easily cast aside as the previous ones.
Silence fell. Haruaki could hear the faint rustle of his own clothes and the uneven sound of his breathing. He had finally said the one thing he had been holding back - and now there was nothing left to say.
He had expected an immediate retort, some sharp remark that would tear another hole in his reasoning. For all the certainty Haruaki had tried to put into those words, a tiny part of him was already wishing they wouldn't work, that Sano-kun would find some ridiculous flaw in Haruaki's reasoning and stubbornly tear it apart, just as he had done with every argument before it.
Then Mikoto slowly exhaled through his nose, and that tiny sound made Haruaki's stomach drop from feverish anticipation.
- And?
Haruaki flinched at familiar irritated notes in his ex-student's voice. Mikoto folded his arms, his expression growing increasingly annoyed.
- You think I don't know I'm a god?
Mikoto's shoulders set into a posture that immediately told Haruaki he was losing patience. The faint crease between his eyebrows deepened as he stared at the teacher.
- No, Sano-kun, I...
Unable to hold his gaze, Haruaki lowered his eyes, fingers curling nervously against the fabric of his shirt. Mikoto unfolded his arms and took a small step forward, his expression becoming sharper.
- Then what exactly are you trying to tell me, Seimei? That because I have more time than you, I should spend the time I have now without you?
Now Haruaki didn't even try to argue. Mikoto watched him for a moment before letting out another quiet breath, much softer this time.
- You're treating immortality like it means I don't have to care about anything because I have forever.
His voice sounded strangely gentle, and Haruaki looked up, confused. Mikoto's expression had changed completely - the irritation still there, but beneath it was something quieter - something that looked almost like pain.
Haruaki's heart gave a squeeze. He could no longer pretend that all his constructed reasons were anything more than excuses - and all that left was just a quiet, sincere:
- I just don't want you to regret choosing me.
Mikoto scoffed. Of course, he had known it from the start - Seimei wasn't trying to push him away because he didn't want him. He just wanted to protect him even from a regret that hadn't happened and might never happen.
- And I don't want to regret letting you go because you wouldn't stop being an idiot.
Mikoto sighed and dragged a hand through his blond hair.
- Seriously... - He looked almost annoyed now. - Are you going to answer me or not?
Haruaki started at the sudden shift in the atmosphere.
- H-huh..?
Mikoto crossed his arms again, trying very hard to look bored, but he failed. His foot shifted against the rooftop floor, then again. He unfolded his arms, only to immediately fold them again.
- I told you I like you. I told you I'm willing to wait until now. So I've been waiting long enough, right?
- Uh...
- And don't you dare giving me another complicated speech again... Haruaki.
Haruaki stopped breathing, and his face immediately burned. Mikoto's ears turned red almost as quickly.
- What?
Haruaki stared at him, completely flustered. It was the first time he had ever heard his own name from Mikoto's lips. And with that single word, - or rather, name, - Mikoto seemed to shatter the boundaries that had existed between them until that very moment.
- D-Don't make a big deal out of it. - Mikoto looked away sharply. - And don't get distracted so easily, I'm still waiting, you know.
Haruaki swallowed. His heart was pounding wildly, painfully, and he was absolutely certain that he wouldn't be able to utter a single word - too embarrassed, too frightened.
And yet, there were things he couldn't deny and hide anymore.
He covered his face with both hands.
- I'm... I'm scared, Sano-kun.
Mikoto's expression softened, though Haruaki could not see it with his eyes tightly shut behind his hands.
- I- I don't know if I can stop worrying about all those things... And I probably won't. I'll probably keep thinking you're making a mistake, and I'll probably cry about it, and I'll probably... - Haruaki's voice broke into a nervous little laugh. - I'll probably be difficult.
Mikoto's lips twitched into a familiar, mocking smirk, and yet there was something tender in it now.
- You already are.
- S-sano-kun..! - Haruaki glared at him through his fingers - or at least, tried to. But he noticed the way Mikoto's own hands were trembling slightly, and his blue eyes now betrayed something akin to agitation, - and this uncharacteristic look gave Haruaki more courage to continue. Now it was his turn to be brave.
- But when you said you wanted me... - Admitting it out loud was like swallowing glass, but there was no turning back now. - I was happy.
- And when you said you'd wait, I was relieved. And when today... You...
Haruaki fell silent and timidly raised his eyes to Mikoto as if expecting another taunt - but from the young god's eyes, he realized there was no need to go on.
- So... I think... - He took a shaky breath, gathering his thoughts, then looked sideways, lips trembling in a nervous smile. - I think I might be a little selfish, too.
His face was burning, and he quickly turned his gaze away, regretting looking at Mikoto at all. He didn't know whether he had said too much, or whether those awkward, stumbling words had somehow made everything worse.
Haruaki couldn't bring himself to look back, so he couldn't see the tension holding his shoulders slowly disappeared; couldn't see that tiny, relieved smile at the corner of his mouth; couldn't see the suspicious watery glint in his eyes.
- That's not exactly an answer... - For some reason, the voice sounded hoarse, as if Mikoto was holding back either laughter or tears. - But I'll take it.