Chapter Text
Soft sunlight fell through the teal curtains. Wait. Teal? This wasn’t my- Oh shit. All of a sudden all memories of last night came crashing through. The fight, the assault, me leaving home forever and- Will. Will who’s arms were currently wrapped loosely around me. Panic came flooding through. My breathing got shallow and fast. I didn’t want him to touch me. Not with those horrible things in my head. I landed on the soft carpet with a low thud after I pushed myself away from him. To my surprise Will hadn’t woken up from the sound. I quietly grabbed my phone and rushed to the bathroom, locking myself in.
As the door shut I broke down. My body was shaking uncontrollably. Pictures from last night took over my brain. My mom pinned beneath me on the kitchen floor, her holding my diary, her spitting those awful words at me, her hand in my pants, touching me where no parent is supposed to touch their child - where no one was supposed to touch him -, her grip leaving a flaming red mark on the soft skin of my neck. Without thinking about it I opened my phone case, pulling out the razor blade that I had hid there. After staring at it for a few seconds I harshly shoved up my sleeve, drawing the blade deep into the sensitive skin on my wrist, trying desperately to silence the thoughts in my head. After I drew the first one I looked at the gap in my skin. The purple cut didn’t bleed at first. It was wider than I had intended it to be. Panic started to rise in my chest. Had I gone too far this time? Blood started filling the wound. Shit shit shit. Why did I have to be so stupid and put that much pressure on a new razor blade? Fuck. I took a deep breath. It’s probably going to be fine. And of course I hadn’t learned from my mistakes and instead of stopping or going easier I pressed even harder this time. And again, again, again, again. I was lost in my own world without senses or time. Blood dripped down my arm onto my pants, ripping me out of my psychotic state. I looked down at my arms. Wide gashes were decorating my arm. Shit. Now I’ve definitely gone too far. A knock on the bathroom door.
“Nico, are you in there? Are you okay? Can I come in?”
I jumped up in a hurry, my vision going black for a second. Shit. Ultra deep shit.
“Uhh. I’m fine. Just give me a sec.”
Hastily I pulled the sleeve of my hoodie over my arm. It stung a bit but it was bearable. I hid the razor blade in my phone case again before I opened the bathroom door, making sure to hide my arm at least a little.
”Will, I didn’t expect you to be awake so soon.”
”Yeah well, I woke up a few minutes ago and I got worried because you weren’t there anymore, so I came to check on you.”
“You’re lying.”
Will paused.
“What?”
“You’re lying. Or at least you're only saying half. I saw that you slipped something in your pocket as I opened the door. You seem sad. And you already were sad when I arrived. So I guess something happened and you were going to hurt yourself, which I'm not letting you do.”
“Says the one that has just cut himself minutes ago. Don’t try to deny it. I can see the blood leaking through your shirt. I will tell you what’s up with me, if you let me look at your arm.”
Just the thought of someone touching me was enough to make me panic.
“No, no, no. Don’t touch me.”
I backed up until my back pressed against the cold bathroom wall.
“Nico. What happened yesterday?”
”My mom- she- I can’t.”
I slid down the wall, holding my head in my hands, pulling on my hair.
”no, no, no.”
Will moved from his spot at the door next to me, which I hadn’t realized until his hands were pulling mine away from my head.
“Nico, look at me. Whatever she did. She can’t get you here. You’re safe. I won't let her do anything to you ever again.”
His words wrapped around me like a warm blanket. Safe. Eventually my breathing slowed and I let him pull me onto his lap. His hands were rubbing slow circles on my head and lower back, calming me down.
“Can I look at your arm now?”
”Yeah.”
He got his supplies, placing me on the bathtub, in the same spot I sat in the night prior. He was kneeling before me, working on my arm.
”So, do you wanna know why I’m sad?”
“Yeah.”
“So, It’s gonna be a long story, cuz I’ll start with how it could even happen.
My childhood was pretty normal. I was just a child with two loving parents. I was happy and I never really thought of gender and stuff. But when I was eight my class teacher taught us about pride and gender and all of that. I didn’t think much of it, but then I slowly started questioning my gender. and then I realized that I was trans…”
He looked into my eyes for a second before continuing.
”… and I finally was brave enough to come out to my parents. I thought they would accept me for who I was. But my dad didn’t like the fact that I was trans, so he left and never came back. My mom stayed or at least she did at first. She took care of me until I was 12. After that she hired babysitters while she was gone. She always travelled around the globe, performing in bars and pubs. I barely ever saw her after that. Sometimes she would come back home for a few days before she left again. But she never stayed. And whenever she was here, I could see the hatred in her eyes. I reminded her of my dad. At first travel was enough to keep her head cleared but after some time that wasn’t enough anymore so she started drinking and taking light drugs. But over time the alcohol and the drugs got stronger. And yesterday evening I received a call. She had an overdose. She-“
Tears started filling his eyes. He didn’t have to finish his sentence. His mother had died. I slid down the bathtub, wrapping my arms tightly around him, letting him cry into my shoulder.
We just sat there, losing all track of time.