Chapter Text
The wind blew the fresh air creating ripples on the surface of the water, and Oona watched the clouds roll past her eyeline, in her usual laid back position, as the boat sped across the lake. The route to the green cottage was engraved in her memory to the point where she could recognise the trees and their configurations and judge how long was left of the journey. But rather than the excitement and peace she normally felt nearing the cottage, her body was instead engulfed with dread.
“So what’s the plan, again?” she asked.
“Annie said it’s just gonna be a chill evening,” Sully replied, “Ellis is taking Vic to the airport tomorrow morning so they all figured it’d be fun to spend the night together.”
“Where is he?”
“He’s coming on the plane so it’ll be ready for tomorrow.”
“Cool.”
It had been two days since she last spoke to Ramona and her time with the rest of the group had dwindled as well, meaning that she had forgotten when Vic was set to leave. When Sully reminded her, she silently breathed a sigh of relief. For the previous couple of days, she occupied herself by spending time with Maple, even if that meant watching musicals and listening to her explain every detail of every book she had read that month, but even her younger sister knew she was trying to evade the difficult situation.
“Have you spoken to Ramona?”
“Yep,” Oona answered shortly, maintaining her view of the sky, her expression shielded by pink sunglasses.
“And?” they pressed gently.
“And nothing,” she shrugged, “said what I had to say.”
Thankfully for her, Sully seemed to get the impression that she didn’t want to talk about it further, and they faced forward again, focused on steering the boat. When it came to Ramona, a plan that seemed so logical in her head was always repelled by a voice screaming at her to do the opposite. She didn’t need any faces of disapproval exacerbating the doubt she already felt.
Eventually she sat up just when they were approaching the cottage deck, and when the engine stopped she jumped out to help tie the rope. As she stood from her crouched position she took a deep breath looking up at the house and she ran her thumb along the inside of her rings to soothe herself.
“Could you grab some of this stuff?” asked Sully, their voice interrupting the trance she was falling into.
She turned around quickly and saw the small crate of snacks that they had brought. “Oh yeah, sure,” she said, leaning over and picking up the crate.
She allowed them to go first and trailed behind them, suddenly noticing her head pounding in her skull as if the bones were a cage for her thoughts. Huffing out a sigh, she shook her head, as if it would release her from her mind, and she focused on climbing the steps to the house.
“Hello hello!” Sully called as they stepped through the door.
Connor was sitting on the sofa and appeared to be halfway through a bag of crisps whilst a voice came through from the kitchen. “Hey guys!” Annie returned. She came into the living area with her usual smile. She told Sully, who was carrying blankets and sleeping bags, “You can just set the stuff here,” motioning to the sofas.
“I’ll put this in the kitchen,” Oona said, holding up her crate. She put it on the table and fixed strands of her hair which had fallen in front of her face and scanned her eyes throughout the house.
“Thanks for bringing these,” Annie said, coming into the kitchen and riffling through the snacks. “Haven’t seen you these last few days.”
“Yeah sorry, I’ve just been with Maple mostly,” she said, and Annie nodded in acknowledgement. Oona put her hands in the pockets of her shorts and intentionally wandered over to the window, looking out at the grass that surrounded the house. Afterwards, she took a few small steps towards the living area and tried to see through the other windows at the garden furniture on the patio.
“Ramona’s not here,” Oona heard Annie say behind her. She turned around, caught off guard by the abruptness of the announcement. Whilst her brain worked to catch up and compute an answer, Annie continued, “She and Vic went on a walk. They should be back soon, though.”
She said lightly, “Oh okay, cool.”
In an attempt to kill time, she helped Annie take out all the snacks and organise them in bowls and plates. In the background, Connor, Sully and Ellis were all laughing trying to lay the sleeping bags and inflate their mattresses.
After roughly the fifth time Oona checked the clock, Ramona and Vic came rushing in and she noticed they were both carrying the same book.
“Sorry guys!” Ramona said, “lost track of time.”
The group responded reassuring them that it was no problem, and Oona went back to the kitchen table to pretend to grab a snack. She wondered if Ramona had taken on board her advice. If that’s what they ‘lost track of time’ doing. She quickly tried to dismiss the thought, knowing that it wasn’t her business, but she still couldn’t help watching them for the rest of the evening, trying to figure out if they were something more.
One moment that stuck in her mind was when they were all baking cupcakes. They had just put the tray in the oven and they needed to get started on the frosting – a task that Annie delegated to Vic and Ramona, whilst Oona was helping dry the dishes that had been cleaned. Whilst Vic was stirring the frosting in the bowl, she put some on her finger and reached for Ramona’s nose.
Ramona reached out her hand and grabbed Vic’s forearm, wrestling it away from her face, “Don’t you dare!” she shouted with a smile on her face.
In turn, Vic pressed harder against her, with the frosting on her fingers being only a couple of inches away from her face. “Come here,” she laughed.
After a struggle, Vic finally managed to dab it on her nose and Ramona released her arm to wipe it off. “Wow, you’re so funny,” she said, sarcastically, licking her finger and wiping her hand on a towel. “I’ll get you back.”
“We’ll see,” Vic replied, smirking.
Oona watched the whole exchange whilst she pretended to put away cutlery and tried not to think about how cliche, rom-com-esque it was.
The pizza they had delivered finally arrived and they all sat outside at the table to eat. Oona wasn’t even surprised when Vic and Ramona sat together, and she took the chair opposite them. The sky gradually changed colours as they were eating, and when the sun was setting it shone its usual golden light everywhere. Whilst Vic, Sully and Ramona animatedly spoke about New York pride, and Ellis and Annie were wrapped in their own conversation, with Connor nowhere to be seen, Oona’s eyes couldn’t help but rest on Ramona.
Since she came back, Oona could tell there was something different about her, but she couldn’t place it. She thought it could be a few new waves in her hair, or her face maturing even after just a year, or it might have been her overall confidence level increasing. Oona had always found her beautiful beyond measure, but New York had done something to her. And now, when she was sitting in front of her, laughing, basking in the golden hour, all Oona could think about was how breathtaking she was.
And she hated it.
Because she knew that the distance between them was her own doing. The dull ache in her chest worsened, trapped by the guilt of knowing she had no right to feel anything about her at all.
Reluctantly, she tore her eyes from Ramona and directed them at whatever conversation they had all shifted into, chiming in with a laugh or a ‘yeah’, even when her heart wasn’t in it.
Sleep didn’t come easy to her that night.
Through the curtains, the morning light filtered into the living room and rested on the peaceful scene. Ramona, lying on the floor on top of a sleeping bag, steadily rose and stretched her arms, leaning back on them to look around the room. She and Vic had gravitated closer together during the night and Vic was curled in a fetal position facing towards her.
The steady silence was broken by a faint sound of a cabinet closing in the kitchen and Ramona glanced around to see who else was up. The sight of Oona’s empty sleeping bag near the fireplace made her tense up and she looked back towards the kitchen. She didn’t know what overtook her judgment but without thinking, she felt herself stand up and walk over, as if she couldn’t control her muscles.
The shuffling of her feet made Oona tilt her head up and once she realised it was Ramona, her eyes shone with the same warmth that threatened to stop Ramona’s heart beating many times before. “Morning,” Oona said softly.
“Hey,” she replied. Her expression didn’t match Oona’s, she couldn’t bring herself to act affectionate like they once did. Not after their last conversation. “You been up for long?”
Oona kept her attention on the slice of bread she was spreading butter on and answered, “Yeah, a bit. Didn’t sleep much last night.”
They stood in silence, both watching Oona prepare her breakfast. Ramona wanted to ask why she didn’t sleep but the risk of starting another drawn out conversation which would make her feel even worse prompted her not to. “We have a toaster,” she said instead.
“Didn’t wanna wake you guys.” She finished preparing the bread and wrapped up the butter, cleaning her hands on a towel next to her. “Did you sleep okay?”
Such stilted, uneasy conversation made Ramona almost feel nauseous. It would have been unheard of for them to talk this way just a year ago, but the distance and time had somehow succeeded in making them feel like strangers. In fact, it felt even more painful than being simple strangers. Ramona wondered if there was a word for two people who barely talked, but at one time could fill a blank easel with portraits of each other’s soul.
“Yeah, fine.”
Following a brief moment of eye contact they both looked down — Oona continuing to eat her bread and Ramona fiddling with the hem of her t-shirt. A couple of times, Ramona looked up to see Oona quickly turning her head down at her plate again. The silence resumed and left the lingering tension of unspoken words in the air, clinging to both of them like humid fog, stopping them from saying anything else.
They were rescued by the sounds of people waking up in the living room and Ramona left the kitchen, grateful to have been given a reason to escape the situation. The others were all stretching and yawning as they slowly stood up, and they greeted each other with croaky morning voices.
The small section of the morning was spent changing out of their pyjamas and completing other morning routines as they began to regain full consciousness after the night.
Vic finalised her packing and everyone was soon back on the deck, with Ellis already in the pilot's seat and Ramona helping Vic load her bags. Meanwhile, the others stood further back, waiting to see her off. When they placed the bags on the plane, Vic swiftly walked back to everyone else to say goodbye.
She dapped up Connor and hugged Annie tightly, thanking both of them for letting her stay and telling them that they’d see each other soon. Moving down the line she also hugged Sully, rubbing their back tenderly and saying, “So good to meet you!”
“Good to meet you too, this was so fun!” they replied, before letting go of the embrace.
Vic then turned towards Oona and they looked at each other, not knowing what to do. “Oona,” she started, “good to meet you too.” As she spoke, she cautiously lifted an arm and stepped forward, and Oona did the same in turn, saying, “Yeah, likewise.”
Their hug was more of an uncomfortable pat on each other’s back, with their bodies barely touching, lasting for a couple of seconds before they separated and Vic took a few steps back. “Alright, bye guys,” Vic said, waving her hand as she made her way back to the deck. “Thanks for having me!”
When she reached the end of the deck, she wrapped Ramona in her arms and they rocked side to side. “Bye, angel,” Vic mumbled, “let me know when you’re coming back.”
“Okay,” Ramona said.
Vic lifted her head and pulled back slightly, placing a hand on Ramona’s neck as she leaned her head forward on the other side to meet her ear. She whispered, “But don’t come back till you’ve sorted whatever’s going on there, okay? If you want something you’ve gotta be brave, then at least you know you’ve done all you can.”
They both leaned their heads back and Ramona responded with a solemn nod whilst Vic grazed her jawline with her thumb as a final reassurance. When her hand fell back down to her side, Ramona mindlessly glanced at the others and met Oona’s intense eyes on them both.
She refocused as Vic started to step onto the plane, and she stood by prepared to help if she needed it. When they were ready to leave, Ramona took a few steps back and they all watched the plane move through the water and eventually take off.
After it had disappeared into the distance, Ramona walked over to the others and Annie suggested, “Should we clean up inside?” They all nodded and climbed back up the stairs to the house. When they entered, it looked much messier than it did earlier in the morning and there was a collective groan at the thought of tidying it up.
Having rolled up the sleeping bags, Ramona remembered the glasses that were still sitting on the outside table and she went to collect them. The wind had suddenly started again and it was blowing her hair over her face as she picked up some of the glasses.
Oona came outside to help her and awkwardly asked, “So are you and Vic like, a thing now or —”
Avoiding eye contact, she deadpanned, “No,” and looked back at the door she was heading towards.
“Ramona.”
She froze in place and slowly turned back around, her eyes being the last things to, reluctantly, face Oona, who continued with a tone of defeat. “Is this just how it’s gonna be with us now?”
Ramona sighed and walked back towards the table, placing her glasses down readying herself for whatever was coming. “What do you mean?”
In response, Oona scoffed with an ironic smile. “You know what I mean, man. This,” she said, motioning between them, “this awkwardness, like, I don’t even know how to describe it.” She faltered and dropped her hand, slapping it against her thigh, whilst Ramona stared at her, unflinchingly. “Tell me what I’ve done wrong,” Oona pleaded quietly.
“You haven’t done anything wrong,” Ramona said. She was telling the truth. In her mind, Oona not wanting to be with her and actively pushing her towards someone else wasn’t ‘wrong’ it was just the truth of the matter. “It feels like you should tell me what I did wrong.” When she was met with furrowed eyebrows she clarified, “For you to break up with me last summer.” She hated that she was still hung up on it, it made her feel like a begging puppy that had been kicked to the curb.
Oona sighed deeply, leaning her weight on her palms that rested on the edge of the table in between them. “You know why I did that,” she began, calmly, “I didn’t want to hold you back…”
“That’s bullshit,” Ramona argued, raising her voice.
Mirroring the volume, Oona countered, “It’s not bullshit, I meant it. I could tell you wanted to go to New York and I didn’t want you to go tied down by a girlfriend in Canada!
Their volume was steadily rising and they were gesturing wildly as they spoke. Ramona felt like she was on fire, the frustration burned alongside the harsher feeling of rejection and her words were the embers that spat out, igniting everything around her.
“Okay but you keep trying to put it on me like I asked you to dump me. You’re the one who ended it.”
“Yeah because you were leaving. It would’ve happened eventually.”
“How can you possibly know that?” Ramona exclaimed.
“Because it’s what always happens!”
They both exhaled sharply and Oona shook her head, looking out into the distance, whilst Ramona’s eyes stayed fixed on her. She lowered her volume back to normal. “What?”
“When people don’t have a good enough reason to stay they leave and they don’t come back,” Oona explained, “that’s why I don’t do relationships, I can’t.”
Slowly nodding her head, Ramona tentatively asked, “Is ‘people’ your mom?”
Oona crossed her arms over her body and rolled her head back. “Fuck’s sake, not this again,” she sighed, stepping away from the table.
“No, dude, I’m serious,” Ramona pressed. She took a couple of steps around the table and was able to bring Oona’s attention back to her, despite her arms still defensively stiff across her body. “Do you think your mom leaves because…you’re not a good enough reason to stay?” The clenching of Oona’s jaw was visible and she hung her head down to the side. “Because that’s not the reason.”
“Then what is?” Oona shot back. Her tone had become detached and despondent. “What other reason could there possibly be for her to willingly choose not to be my and Maple’s mother? And Maple’s surely not the one stopping her, she’s just a kid.”
Ramona was stunned by her words. She always knew that Maple had this thought about her mom but hearing it from Oona, who she had always seen as fearless and unwavering, was a shock to the system. A rush of guilt consumed her as she recalled their break up the previous summer, when she heedlessly brought out the phrase ‘mommy issues’ as if it was a sword with which she could strike her. “It’s neither of your guys’ fault, she has her own shit that’s making her do this.”
She could tell that Oona wasn’t convinced, knowing that she had heard the same speech from multiple different people but could never internalise it. “I’m sorry for saying it like I did last summer, I didn’t mean to throw it in your face.”
“It’s fine,” she muttered, sinking down into one of the chairs, “you were probably right anyway.”
Sitting down across from her, Ramona said, “But look, I’d never dream of treating you like that.”
Oona looked back at her with a tired, sunken smile, “You sort of already have, Mona.” Ramona tilted her head in question and Oona said, “You’ve left without saying anything three separate times — two summers ago and twice last summer.”
“That wasn’t because of you though, definitely not the first two times.”
“Yeah, I know, and I don’t want you to feel guilty about it at all, but you did still leave. And I assume the third time was partly because of me and that’s what I was afraid of.” Her voice was drowned by a pleading tone that Ramona hadn’t been used to. “I don’t know, I guess I…” she said, looking down at her rings and readjusting each of them, “thought that knowingly sabotaging things would be better than unknowingly fucking up later down the line and watching you realise you didn’t want it anymore.”
After a pause, Oona continued speaking. “And listen, all this baggage,” she said, motioning to herself, “you don’t deserve that. And it could never work in a proper relationship, especially when you’re off in New York.”
Ramona genuinely didn’t know how to respond. Her pulse raced as she tried to understand what Oona had said and the implications of it. She wanted to say that everyone had baggage, that she was willing to work through it together and that their relationship was strong enough to withstand all of this shit, but the guilt and confusion wrapped like barbed wire around her throat, stopping her from coming up with an answer.
The sensation was compounded by the fear she felt at Oona’s tone — it was one of closure, like she was saying goodbye to the chapter of life they had shared, and Ramona didn’t know how to reopen it.
Both of them sat motionless for a few minutes, sitting in the remnants of their conversation, until Oona stood, picking up the glasses in front of her. “Come on,” she said almost silently, walking back to the house, “they’ll be wondering where we are.”
Left on her own, Ramona took a second to blink back the tears that pricked in her eyes and took a deep breath, before following Oona back inside.
The following day, Ramona was at the cafe working a shift with Sully. Her attention span was diminished and her movements sluggish from lack of sleep, and she was grateful to Sully for pretending not to notice. The noise of the coffee machines and the constant bustle of people wasn’t helping either, and she had to concentrate so she wouldn’t yawn in customer’s faces as she was taking their orders.
“Are you okay?” Sully asked when nobody else was at the counter. “Do you need another break?”
“No no, I’m good,” she claimed, rubbing the tiredness out of her eye. She took a glass from the cabinet to pour herself some water and she could feel Sully’s concerned eyes on her, calculating each of her movements. “Say it,” she sighed, facing them and leaning against the counter.
“It’s just that,” they shrugged, “we heard you guys arguing yesterday. We didn’t hear what you said but you were both shouting so…”
“Yeah, seems like that’s all we do now.”
“Do you wanna talk about it?”
“I mean, not really but I feel like we’re going to anyway,” she said. Secretly, she appreciated Sully’s constant insistence to share emotions, they were always a safe person for her.
“What happened?”
“I don’t know, we were talking about the breakup and her mom and me leaving, it was just a lot.” she said, appearing very interested in the water in her cup.
After a pause, Sully softly observed, “The breakup really affected you.” Ramona tightened her lip and nodded in agreement, and Sully continued, “it affected her as well.”
“Yeah I got that from her yesterday but she’s so fucking confusing,” she said, bringing her palm to her forehead in frustration and setting her cup down, “because if it affected her that much then why would she kiss those two girls the night I got back? Or tell me to date Vic?”
Sully’s head jerked back in confusion and they said, waving their hand to brush it off, “Okay, I don’t know about that last thing.” Leaning on the side of the counter as well, they slid closer towards her and said, “But I’ll tell you this.” They took a breath and Ramona didn’t know what to expect by the sudden tone of secrecy. “This whole year when you were away, Oona didn’t date anyone.”
Ramona’s body stilled.
They continued, “No dates, no hook ups, nothing casual, not even a kiss. Literally nobody.”
“Then why did she kiss those girls at the party?” she asked.
“I don’t know, girl, but I want you to know that she hadn’t done any of that all year.”
Questions began forming in Ramona’s mind as well as certain hopes for what Oona’s behaviour could mean. She was used to this happening — it was always the case even when they were younger that she’d read into each action, each word, to try and find a hidden meaning. But having hope like that had ended in heartbreak, so she plucked the wings from those thoughts and stamped them back down. “That probably has nothing to do with me.”
In her peripheral vision she could see Sully sharply inhale and look at the ceiling. “Okay, obviously nobody can tell what she’s thinking, but I know she’s been hung up on you. Every time Ellis and Annie talked, Oona asked him if she said anything about you. She missed you girl, like really missed you.”
After mulling over that thought for a moment, she groaned in frustration and gritted her teeth. Her thoughts were too loud, they all competed against one another to be at the forefront, and she hated that she couldn’t sort through them. To put them in labelled boxes or to just get rid of them altogether.
“And the fact that she spoke about her mom is something as well. She doesn’t talk about her to just anyone.”
“I know.”
Their attention was distracted by a new crowd of customers arriving and they both snapped out of the conversation to continue working. For the rest of the shift, Ramona ran around making coffees, serving tables, working the register, with groups of waves of people regularly coming in. She was glad to be taken out of her thoughts for the next couple of hours and instead hyper-focused on each task she was completing.
It was only after they had cleaned up and closed for the day, when she was on the jet ski heading back home, that her brain, against her will, started thinking about it again. The idea crept up on her that she might have read the situation wrong since last summer, not properly considering Oona’s perspective in all of it. She thought back to Connor talking about avoidant attachment and Vic’s various attempts to reason through the breakup and Oona’s actions, as well as their confrontation the day before and hearing about the fears her mother had given her, and she slowly felt it start to make more sense.
For the rest of the evening it was all she could think about. Lying in bed, she took a drag from her joint and stared up at the ceiling, with images of last summer and those blissful couple of weeks when she and Oona were together replaying in her head.
“Hey,” Annie greeted as she came through the door.
Ramona sat up and despite the turbulent day, Annie’s smile was too infectious not to reciprocate. “Hey,” she chuckled, amused at how her sister was giddily walking to her bed. “Where have you been to come back so happy?”
Annie flopped on her mattress and said through her smile, “Nowhere.”
“Mmmm, didn’t know that Ellis named his room Nowhere,” Ramona teased. They both laughed and Annie curled to the side in embarrassment. “Why didn’t you stay with him?”
“His parents kicked me out.”
“What?”
“Well no they didn’t ‘kick me out’, Joe just said,” Annie’s register lowered to try and imitate Joe’s voice, “maybe you should head home, you kids can see each other tomorrow,” and then returned to her normal voice, “so I just took the hint and left.”
“Wow, how could he,” Ramona said, shaking her head and smiling.
“I know. I don’t think he likes me that much.”
“Why?”
“I think he thought I was gonna abandon Ellis, like me going back to New York was proof that my heart wasn’t in it.”
Stopping herself from equating that with her own problems, Ramona tried to keep focused on Annie. “He just has unresolved issues from mom.”
“Yeah that’s true.” Annie sat up and leaned her back against the wall. “Speaking of mom, can I tell you something?”
“Of course,” Ramona said, sitting up straighter.
“I’ve been thinking about this for a while and I’m kind of considering…staying here. At least for a bit to see how it feels. I always feel closer to mom here and I want to experience it like she did.”
Ramona took another drag to give herself a second to process the idea. “That makes sense. Have you spoken to Steven about it?”
“Briefly, he said he’d support any decision I make.”
“That’s good. I mean, if this is what your heart is saying you should go for it.”
“Really?” Annie said, “You won’t hate me for leaving you in New York with Connor?”
It prompted a laugh out of Ramona who assured her, “Don’t worry about that, I can deal with him.”
After an elongated pause between them, Annie asked quietly, “Would you ever move back here?”
Ramona felt her limbs grow heavy and she lay back down, draping an arm over her forehead. She allowed herself to consider how her life would look if she returned, but the emotional tiredness of the past couple of weeks was weighing on her. “With the way it's been going recently, I doubt it. Being back here hasn’t exactly been the easiest thing in the world.”
“I know,” Annie said. “I’m sorry it’s been so difficult with…”
“It’s okay,” Ramona interjected, not wanting to hear her name out of fear that she’d start either crying or spiraling or anything else.
“I don’t know if this applies but what helped Ellis and I was to just blurt everything out into the open. Like at the beginning I thought he hated me and when I told him he was so confused. Things are always different inside other people’s heads.”
Sighing, Ramona put out her joint and turned to lie facing the wall. “She knows how I feel about her,” she muttered.
“She won’t know for sure unless you tell her.”
Ramona stayed facing the wall, and when she didn’t respond, she heard Annie switch off the lamp and shuffle into bed. Soon enough, she heard heavy breaths from across the room, but she lay awake gazing through her window.
She won’t know for sure. Good enough reason. All this baggage. Tied down.
All the different phrases from the past few days were floating around, circling her like ghosts. She thought back to the conversation from last year when Oona asked her if she was enough. She didn’t know it all ran this deep.
You’ve gotta be brave – she heard Vic say. She didn’t know how much braver she could be, though. Her heart had been on the line multiple times, even before they had dated, and it had been swung off each time.
But the thought occurred to her, is that how she feels?
Zombie-like would be the way to describe Ramona’s movements during the succeeding two days. Everything she did, cooking, eating, walking, was unwillingly accompanied by an entangled web of emotions. The rhythm of her routines felt broken, there was an inexplicable desire to reach her arm out and grab something in front of her that didn’t exist.
One late evening she was sitting on the sofa, her feet up on the table, halfway through a book that she’d been reading for a while. Her eyes looked over the page multiple times but she was never any closer to processing the words – something was blocking her. In her irritation she slammed the book shut and threw it to her side, then tried to massage her temples. When the tension subsided, she rubbed her hands over her eyes and held her head in them with a deep sigh.
“Okay,” she whispered, resolutely, and quickly stood up, making her way to her bedroom. There, she picked up the backpack she took everywhere and stuffed it with papers that she had left in her half-unpacked suitcase which lay sprawled on the floor. Leaving herself no room to stop and deliberate, she zipped the bag up whilst she walked down the stairs and out the door, down to where the jet ski was moored, and jumped on.
As she drove, she filled her lungs with the cool air and let it refresh her skin, giving her the burst of adrenaline she needed to not immediately turn back. Her hands squeezed the handles, and she could feel her doubts dissipating into the wind that was blowing behind her.
Once she reached the marina, she hopped off the jetski and let the unnameable, out of body force in her legs carry her onto the houseboat. When she raised her fist to the door, she could feel the pins and needles in her arm and figured it was either from holding the handles so tightly on the jetski or her nerves. She still managed to knock, though, and as she waited she stretched and clenched her fist to expel the tingling.
You’ve gotta be brave.
The door opened and she was met with blue eyes which widened slightly when they saw her. “Mona.”
“Hey,” Ramona replied. The bravery in her faltered upon seeing Oona face to face, but the fact that she couldn’t back out at this point made her stay put. “Can we talk?”
“Yeah, sure,” Oona said, opening the door wider and letting her pass through. The lamps everywhere gave the room an orange glow, and the radio was humming in the background. Maple was on the sofa, book in hand, and she got up when Ramona entered.
“Hey Maple.”
“Hi,” Maple responded, putting on her shoes. When Oona came in, she told them both, “I’m gonna sit on the roof.”
Ramona put her hand out to stop her, “No, don’t let me kick you out.”
“It’s fine, I like reading outside at night anyway, it makes me connect with the book more.” As she was leaving she raised her eyebrows at Oona, who responded by nudging her down the corridor.
“She’s the coolest,” Ramona chuckled after Maple closed the door behind her.
Sitting on the sofa, Oona agreed, “I know, I genuinely want to be her sometimes.” Redirecting her attention to Ramona, who sat down on the other side of the sofa, she asked, “So, what’s up?”
At that moment, Ramona realised that she hadn’t thought this far ahead. She roughly knew what she wanted to say but she didn’t want to plan it too much on the way over, not wanting to get too in her head about it. “I need to tell you something.”
“Okay,” Oona said.
She took a breath and was about to speak, until another quick thought interrupted her which she said first. “And…your reaction doesn’t matter, okay? I mean, it does matter, obviously, but you can feel free to react however you want. I’m just gonna say this because the whole universe is pushing me to and I’ll probably be angry if I didn’t.”
Whilst she spoke, Oona leaned forward slightly and her forehead creased with concern. “Okay,” she repeated, slower.
Ramona breathed in and raised her hands like she was going to start speaking, but her brain didn’t connect with her vocal chords and no sound came out. Her arms collapsed back into her lap and she breathed, “Fuck,” looking down at the table.
“It’s fine, take your time,” Oona said, gently.
“Okay here,” Ramona tried again after a few seconds, unzipping her backpack and taking out the small pile of folded up papers, placing them on the table.
“What are these?”
“Letters.”
Oona’s eyes immediately dropped back to the papers, and her gaze was piercingly focused on them.
“I wrote them to you throughout the year but I never sent them,” she explained.
“Why are you showing me now?” Oona asked quietly, still looking at the papers.
Ramona desperately tried to examine Oona’s face for any immediate signs of rejection, but her expression was inscrutable. She took the interest as a good sign though, and kept speaking. “Because I know we talked about how we didn’t hear from each other all year…and now with the stuff you said about your mom and her always leaving I just — I want you to know that I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to reach out so badly but I didn’t know if that’s what you wanted.”
There was a brief pause in her speech that was only filled by the faint song on the radio. The lack of eye contact began to unnerve her – in moments like these she could rarely even tell what Oona was thinking if they were looking right at each other.
“Oona,” she implored.
Without moving any of her other muscles a single inch, Oona turned her eyes up, and Ramona could see that they were glossed over with tears. The sight made her wish she could get up and hug her, and it set off a familiar tug in her chest.
“Listen, if you broke up with me because you didn’t love me anymore or —”
Oona fully turned her head and objected, “No, that wasn’t —”
“Wait, just let me,” Ramona interjected, raising her palm slightly, and Oona stopped talking. “I didn’t want to break up, I wish it didn’t happen like that last summer. But if you did it because of that or because you didn’t see a future together or anything else like that, that’s…you’re entitled to that. But if, and I’m not saying you did but if, you did it because you didn’t think you were good enough for me, or if me leaving made you think you weren’t good enough to stick around for…” She stopped talking to shake her head in disbelief, and the words poured out of her mouth.
“It kills me that you see yourself that way. You’re so much more than how your mom makes you feel. I said this before but you need to hear it again — you’ll always be enough. For Maple, for me, for anyone in your life.
“I only left because I thought you didn’t want me anymore but I still love you and I’ve never for one second thought you weren’t good enough. And I’ll keep telling you that you are no matter what happens between us.”
A couple of times as she spoke, a tear rolled down Oona’s face which she hastily brushed off with her sleeve. The intensity of Ramona’s own emotions finally started to catch up with her, and towards the end her words became strangled as she tried to talk through the tears that were forming in her own eyes.
Not saying a word, Oona stood up and started walking towards her room, her sleeve coming to her face again and her other hand pushing the hair out of her face. Ramona watched her get up and leave, panic immediately rising throughout her body. It was like she was stuck in limbo, she didn’t know whether to follow her, to stay put or to just go home. She started to think it may have been too far to say ‘I love you’ so quickly, but it just came out as she was speaking.
After what felt like hours, Oona emerged from her room and Ramona blurted, “Again, you don’t have to say anything, I just wanted to tell you all of that.” She looked up at her as she stood at the opposite side of the table, and continued, “If you don’t feel the same it’s fine…”
She was so occupied trying to make up for the scene she’d caused that she didn’t notice the stack of papers in Oona’s hand until they were dropped next to her own pile on the table.
“What’s this?” she asked, as Oona sat back down. This time she sat next to Ramona, putting up her bent leg in the space between them so she could face her. She was so close that Ramona could hear her fast paced breaths that ran contrapunctal to her own.
“The same as yours,” she said, “letters that I never sent you.”
Ramona looked at her with doubt written on her face, and Oona added, “I’m serious, look,” as she handed her the pile. As she leafed through them, she saw that at the top of each page was her name, and the writing looked like her own, with parts scribbled out and rewritten. “I wanted to reach out too,” Oona said, barely above a whisper.
The papers in her hands began to shake and Ramona realised it was because her hands were shaking. She put the letters back on the table and clasped her hands together, trying to steady her breathing.
Oona went on, “I’ve loved you for ages. I still remember coming to this place for the first time and seeing you with the others in town. Even though you hated me for a bit —”
“I did not,” Ramona said as she grinned and turned to look at Oona, coming to realise that they were even closer than she thought.
“You sort of did,” Oona countered, jokingly.
“It was only because I was intimidated by you. Once I got to know you and Maple it changed.”
Oona tilted her head and smiled, leaning an arm against the sofa and to play with the hair that draped onto Ramona’s back. “I know, my love.”
At that name Ramona felt her heart stutter in her chest. She had become used to ‘baby’ and ‘babe’ — Oona threw them around like they were nothing, she had only heard this one last summer, when they were together.
“The point is,” Oona said, “I’ve felt it for as long as I can remember. I think you’re the only person I’ve ever felt this way about, but I’ve never known what to do with it. Until last summer I didn’t even register the possibility of you feeling the same way.”
“How’s that possible?” Ramona said, skeptically.
“What do you mean?”
“You must have known. Everyone loves you.”
“Everyone except the one I actually wanted.” Oona leaned in marginally and smirked. “Or so I thought.”
Looking down, Ramona smiled as she felt Oona’s fingers occasionally graze her back. As Oona leaned her head back to where it was, despite it doing nothing to extend the small space between them, her voice became more serious. “Mona, I didn’t want to break up either. It’s true that I thought I was helping you do what was best for you, but it doesn’t mean I stopped loving you.” She swallowed before saying, “I’m sorry if I made you feel like I was doubting it or I wasn’t all in, I know that I come across that way a lot.
“But I’ve never doubted the fact that I love you. I think it might be impossible for me to do that.”
Ramona looked back up and inhaled shallowly, causing her mouth to fall slightly open. The space between them seemed virtually non-existent and her eyes were flicking between each one of Oona’s features, wanting to take them all in.
Meanwhile, Oona lightly dragged her hand from her back upwards until it reached her neck, which she held on to carefully. In front of her, Oona’s eyes similarly travelled from Ramona’s eyes down to her lips, and she felt her gradually closing the gap. The fingers that lay gracefully on her neck put gentle pressure on their positions, and Ramona followed the unspoken signal to lean further in.
All the sensations were hitting her at once — the stirring in her stomach, the smell of perfume, the feeling of Oona’s hand on her neck, the tensing of her lungs and the faint sound of the radio in the background.
But none were as strong as the dizzying feeling in her head as their lips finally met.
The first time they kissed, last summer, their lips crashed onto each other. Caught up in their emotions it somehow felt like the only logical thing to do. It reminded Ramona of two ships in a storm, tying on to each other for dear life, both anxious that the other would drift away. It was the right fit at the time, for all the built up emotion, all the passion and everything that was lying beneath.
But this felt different. Nobody was in danger, there was no risk. Instead of a heavy storm threatening to turn their lives over if they didn’t stay together, this was like a calm sea, inviting them to sail into the horizon.
In that sense, they were tentative at first – slower than they used to be. Once they rediscovered their old rhythm, Ramona subtly moved her body closer, and put her own hand on Oona’s jaw. She deepened the kiss and prompted Oona to lay her hand on Ramona’s waist, clenching the fabric of her jumper in her fist.
Lights were flashing and dancing behind Ramona’s closed eyes. The feeling of Oona’s lips on hers had become such a faint memory throughout the year, that having it back made the rest of the world cease to exist. She felt Oona smile into the kiss, as her pull on Ramona’s neck carefully became firmer, and Ramona smiled in turn.
When Oona’s tug on her jumper strengthened, Ramona rose to her knees on the sofa, towering over her. Without breaking this kiss, she brought one of her legs round to the other side of Oona’s lap, and felt Oona’s hands on her waist, and held her face in both of her hands. As she leaned into the kiss she breathed deeply, pressing her hand to the back of Oona's head, and she reciprocated by pulling Ramona in closer.
After a few minutes, they both separated to catch their breaths. Despite everything in Ramona wanting to continue, the simultaneous relief and exhaustion from the build up to this moment flooded her body, and her head collapsed on Oona’s chest. Oona brought her lips to the top of Ramona’s head whilst she was slowly stroking her hair. Both of their breathing patterns were gradually calming down and they remained like that until it was back to normal.
Eventually, Ramona lifted her head and the shared look between them was mutual awe and adoration. She could tell there were sparkles in her eyes with how she felt in the moment, and she saw them reflected in Oona’s eyes as well. “I got you something,” she said.
Oona raised her eyebrows as she pushed a strand of hair behind Ramona’s ear.
She lifted herself off of Oona’s lap and reached down for her backpack, unzipping the front pocket and pulling out a small ring case.
“Are you proposing to me?” Oona gasped, dramatically putting a hand to her heart.
“Unfortunately no, this is just the box they gave me,” Ramona said, as she handed it over.
When she opened the box, Oona took one glance at the ring inside and looked back at Ramona with an expression of touched disbelief. “Is this from the market?” she asked, taking it out of the case for a closer look.
“Yeah, I saw you looking at them but then you walked away.”
“You didn’t have to get it.”
“I wanted to,” Ramona said. “Try it on.”
She put the ring on her finger and extended her hand to admire it. “It’s gorgeous,” she mused. She turned back to Ramona and put a finger under her chin, leaning forward to kiss her again. “Thank you,” she said, after pulling away.
After looking at it again, she asked playfully, “So what, you bought this for me even when things were all weird with us?”
Ramona shrugged her shoulders and joked in return, “What can I say, my subconscious knew it would all work out in the end.”
Beside her, Oona’s eyes glowed with genuine happiness. “I love you so much,” she whispered, taking Ramona’s hand and kissing her knuckles.
“I love you so much too,” Ramona whispered back.
A song from the radio distracted Oona, and she looked outside the boat windows. She kept hold of Ramona’s hand as she stood up. “Let’s go outside.”
“What, why?” she asked, standing up with her.
“Just come,” she said, dragging her through the house and out the door. Whilst Ramona stepped onto the deck, Oona went onto the roof of the boat to find that Maple had fallen asleep. With care, she picked her up and whispered to Ramona, “I’m just gonna put her in bed one sec.”
She came back out carrying the radio and walked a bit further down so they wouldn’t be near the boat, before increasing its volume and setting it on the deck. “Let’s dance,” she said, offering her hand.
Ramona couldn’t resist connecting their hands, but she said, “You know I don’t dance,” not moving her feet when Oona started tugging at her arm.
“Do it for me,” she said, widening her eyes, which were only scarcely visible under the lights that were further on the land.
“So not fair,” Ramona contested, pointing at Oona’s doe eyes.
But in spite of her hatred of dancing, Oona somehow managed to hold both her hands and they were jumping together to the beat of the song. She admired Oona’s blonde curls bouncing as she moved, and she could feel her own hair falling into her face as she moved her head around.
“Seeee, you love it,” Oona said, as Ramona tried to hide her smile by looking away. “Give us a twirl, beautiful,” she called over the music, lifting their connected hands over Ramona’s head and making her spin around.
As she was turning, Ramona gave up on hiding her enjoyment, and the sounds of both of their laughter rang through the air. Ramona stood on her tip-toes and stretched her arm up so Oona twirled as well, and they both kept holding hands as they moved and jumped to each song that played.
Ramona felt the happiness buzz through her veins, and release the stiffness in her body, a feeling that hadn’t come to her in a while. She still felt happiness, especially with her friends both at the lakes and in New York, but this specific euphoric feeling could only be achieved with one person.
After a while of dancing, playing air guitar and twirling each other round in the moonlight, they found themselves lying peacefully in Oona’s bed, Ramona lying on Oona’s outstretched arm.
“Can I ask you a question?” Ramona said, turning her head up. When Oona nodded, she asked, “If you really felt all that for me, why were you kissing those girls when I got back?”
Oona sighed and looked back up at the ceiling, licking her lips in thought. “When I heard you were coming back, it’s all I could think about. Like, for weeks I was just thinking about what it would be like, different things that could happen.
“So when you finally arrived…I think I was just scared you’d see through me. Like you’d realise how I’d been waiting and it would scare you off. So — I tried to convince myself that I felt normal about it.
“I hate that I did that. And that you saw. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay,” Ramona said, “I’m glad I know now.”
“I hope it goes without saying that you’re the only person I ever want to kiss,” she added, and Ramona could hear the smile in her tone.
“Ugh stop,” she joked in mock disgust.
“It’s true, you’re everything to me, the only person I see. Nobody else exists.” Oona said, kissing her temple.
In the quiet of the room, Ramona could feel and hear Oona’s breath rising and falling, and she unknowingly synced her own breathing to match it.
“Can I ask you a question?” Oona asked, after a few moments of silence. “Annie told me she’s thinking of staying here for a while after the summer.”
That alone was enough for Ramona to know what the hidden question was. She lifted her upper body and leaned against her elbow, facing Oona.
Oona filled in the blank. “Have you like…thought about what you’ll do?”
Ramona paused to think, and from the corner of her eye she could see Oona’s nervous, anticipating face waiting for her answer. She admitted, “Not yet. I love both places,” and she watched Oona’s worried eyes fall elsewhere. “But listen,” she said, putting her hand on Oona’s cheek, “whatever happens, we’ll be okay. I need you to trust me…”
“I do trust you—”
“No I know you do but,” she paused, trying to find the words. “I want you to know it here,” she moved her hand so it rested over Oona’s heart, “that I’m not going anywhere. I don’t care how many oceans you tell me to swim or how many other people I should see. It doesn’t matter how hard you try, you’re not getting rid of me.”
She delighted in seeing the hope reappear in Oona’s features, but she hastily felt the need to add, “Unless you actually want to one day, in which case —”
“No,” Oona said, cutting her off, “that’ll never happen,” pulling Ramona in by her hoodie and kissing her again.
“I’ll make you a promise as well,” she began. “Whatever happens with your family, with school, with anything, I’ll be here. You don’t have to run from me, I can carry it with you. If something difficult happens, let me help you.”
“Okay,” Ramona whispered.
“Okay,” Oona echoed.
The next morning, they woke up to the sound of footsteps in the room and they both opened their eyes and sat up.
“Finally,” Maple breathed, lifting her arms in triumph.
Dear Hey Ramona,
Sorry I haven’t written yet, I’ve been trying to think about what to say. I regret how we left things in August and
How’s New York? You’re a city girl now, how does it feel? Maple’s been talking about Broadway a lot — I think she’s hinting at wanting to come see you.
I bet there’s so much to do there and you’re probably busy all the time. I’d love to hear all about your life there — about Steven, your school, if there’s any new friends, if there’s anyone you
———
Dear Oona,
Happy birthday
It’s been a while since we talked, how are you?
New York is crazy, I’m still trying to get settled. Connor has surprisingly been a big help, he’s shown me all the best pizza spots and he took me on a tour of all the most atmospheric places to smoke – his words btw. I’m missing nature though, here the only trees are in central park and it's always filled with tourists.
I hope you have (or had, depending on how quickly this letter travels) a good birthday. I wish I could be there to celebrate with you.
You don’t have to write back, I just wanted to check in
Ramona
———
Ramona,
I'm We’re all missing you here
———
Dear Oona,
A street vendor tried to sell me these gorgeous rings the other day and they reminded me of you. Even though we haven’t been in touch, I’m still thinking of you.
I’ve met a few nice people here which is cool. I was scared about meeting people in a new city but the people at school seem fine. They’re not the Marina Crew but they’ll do.
Annie told me that Ellis is gonna visit in the holidays. I wonder if Maybe you could You’re welcome to join him if you can, we’d love to see you as well.
Give Maple a hug from me
Ramona
———
Dear Ramona,
Merry Christmas
Ellis is packing to come and see you guys, he’s really excited — first time he’s left this place in years I think. I wanted to come with him but I didn’t know if I should or if you’d even want to see me. It’s probably good that I’m staying here because my mum has just sent us a postcard saying she’ll be back soon. Since we got it in the post Maple hasn’t stopped talking about it. When she leaves again I know it’ll break her heart and I won’t know what to say to comfort her. You always knew what to say to help her though, she really looks up to you. I wish you were here. Sorry I don’t want to dump this on you, I’ll figure it out.
Everyone says New York is gorgeous at christmas time, especially the markets. I hope you’re having the best time there and doing all the things you wanted to.
I hope you’ll write back and let me know how it’s all going.
Oona x
———
Dear Oona,
Today I had my first go at a traditional family Christmas dinner. Steven even put a photo of my mom in a frame on the table whilst we ate — I thought it was weird at first but it was kinda nice.
The whole thing was fine but it made me miss the Christmases we all had together. That year when you wanted to prove you could cook and then burnt all the potatoes has always been my favourite, tied with the one you took us carolling because Maple wanted to. You always make Christmas hilarious and magical, I miss it. I miss your voice.
There’s only ever a light dusting of snow here. It doesn’t stop us from trying to have snowball fights though. It’s probably snowing a lot there, I hope you and Maple are safe. Ellis has probably already suggested that you stay with him, but please use the cottage if you need it. I prepared it for the winter season last summer.
Ramona
———
Mona,
Fuck, I miss u so much. I’ve tried over and over to write u letters but I’ve been too much of a coward to send them. I hate how I fucked everything up with u if I could change it I would.
Celebrating new years without u is so weird I went to the usual party on the beach but everything was just different this time. I just got back now and i’m trying to be really quiet so i don’t wake Maple — she doesn’t like it when I’ve drank a lot. My vision is a bit blurry so I’m sorry if it’s hard to read the handwriting.
The point is I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry please forgive me. If I had another chance i wouldn’t waste it I swear. I still love you.
As soon as i wake up tomorrow morning i’m going into town and posting this letter I promise. Even if my head is pounding. I promise I’ll stop being a coward I’ll do it tomorrow.
I love you
Oona
———
Oona,
I hate that we haven’t talked for half a year, but I don’t know how to bridge this gap anymore. It feels too wide now and I’m scared that you don’t want to fix it. Please tell me I haven’t lost you for good
———
Dear Ramona,
This letter I already know I’m not going to send to you, unlike the others which I wanted to send but I can’t bring myself to post. I just want to write it to get everything out into the void where I don’t have to look at it again.
I still hope you’re having a great time in New York, that will never change. I know as well as anyone that when you find new family you have to stay with them. Wherever you go, I will always cheer you on from afar. I’ll tell myself that you’re better off without me and I’ll try my hardest to believe it.
But selfishly, I want you to come back so badly. I want to argue, I want to make up, I want to lie in the grass with you and howl at the moon. I’d do anything if I was doing it with you next to me. You’re the only person I can truly be myself around and I mourn what we had last summer.
I will never tell you any of this because I won’t be the reason you don’t do everything you dream about. I’d rather die than make you feel obligated to stay with me just because I poured all this stuff at you.
I don’t know what I’m trying to do here — I think I hoped that writing it down would ease the ache but I don’t think it has. Instead I’m torn between wishing you could read this and not wanting you to ever find it. It’s probably just gonna go in the drawer filled with all the other letters though.
I’m going crazy, I miss you endlessly.
All my love
Oona
———
Dear Ramona,
Happy Birthday
Seventeen’s a great age, you’ll enjoy it. I’m sure celebrating a birthday in a city like New York is so fun, I can only imagine. Annie and Steven must be showering you with gifts (as they should), I wonder what you got.
My biggest wish for you is that you experience all that life has to offer. You are so full of love and passion — you deserve the whole world and more.
I want you to know that I’m sorry for how I handled everything last summer, but I hope you can understand why I did it.
You’re still the best thing to ever happen to me.
Love
Oona
———
Dear Oona,
Not sure if Ellis told you but I’m coming back for the holiday.
After a year of not talking I have no idea what to expect. All I know is that whilst I’ve sort of processed last summer this past year, my feelings for you haven’t changed I still think that we should talk.
I don’t know if there’s any hope for us left, or if it’s even something you still want. I guess we’ll find out this summer.
See you soon
Ramona