Chapter Text
You have it all, too young to die
You barely know darkness, just light
You're livin' a beautiful life
Get better now, get better
Go spend a day lyin' in the sun
Fake happiness, you better run
***
The tower was uncharacteristically quiet when Bob and John stepped out of the elevator. They had gone on a walk in the park at John’s insistence, something about Bob needing some fresh air. Bob tried to argue that he'd gotten enough air the week before when he'd gone on a mission with them and almost fallen out of a helicopter, but John wouldn't take no for an answer. Two hours and one very hangry Bob later found them walking down a dark hallway toward the empty common room.
“Bobby, stop sulking,” John said, bumping into his shoulder. “I’ll make you whatever you want for dinner. It’s the least I can do for putting your delicate constitution through such a strenuous walk.”
Bob glared at him, eyes flashing gold for a split second, before his face fell into one of exhaustion. “You better make me dinner for the whole week,” he said. “And breakfast.”
“We’re excluding lunch?”
“That remains to be seen.”
John chuckled and kissed his cheek. “You are a delight.”
That got Bob to crack a smile, but it was nothing compared to when they reached their destination. None of the lights were on and the team were nowhere to be found. John audibly wondered where they were as he walked over to the light switch. Bob’s reply was caught in his throat as the lights came on and their teammates all popped up from different hiding places in the room.
“Surprise!” they all cried.
Bob’s jaw dropped at the scene. There were streamers hanging on the walls, festive decor littering the floor and furniture, and a giant banner hung above him in the entryway. He could feel his eyes begging to water as he read the sign.
“Happy birthday,” John said beside him.
His hand came to rest on the small of Bob’s back and he had never been more grateful for it. He felt like he was going to fall over from shock alone.
“Oh, my god,” was all he could say.
The team all gathered around him, smiles on their faces and silly party hats on their heads. Yelena walked up to him and pulled him into a hug.
“Happy jam day, Bob,” she said.
“Jam day? What the hell does that mean?” John asked.
“It is saying from old Russian cartoon,” Alexei said. He came forward and stuck a cone shaped hat on Bob’s head then slammed his hands down hard on his shoulders. Bones might have broken if he were anyone else. “I hope you get all the jam you can ever wish for, мое солнышко (my sunshine)!”
“He’s getting more than jam today, just so we're clear,” Ava said.
Bucky was off to the side with a puzzled look on his face. “I don't think we even have any jam,” he muttered.
Everyone looked at Bob and waited for him to speak. The man’s mouth was shut tight and his face was turning red. It was hard to tell if he was blushing or suffocating.
“Oh, my god,” he said again, quieter this time.
“You okay, Bobert?” Ava asked. “We didn't give you too big of a fright, yeah? You look like you've seen a ghost or two.”
“Or ten. Jeez guys, give him some space,” John said.
The group did back up a fraction. John rubbed Bob’s back some more until the color in his face went down. He took a deep breath and finally let himself grin.
“I'm sorry guys, I just…” he looked around the room in wonder. “How did you know it was my birthday? I never said anything.”
“Lena found it in your file,” Alexei said. “John tried to figure it out from you months ago but, well, you know.”
Bob looked at John who only shrugged. He vaguely remembered John fishing for personal stuff from him one night and that was the only question he hadn't been able to answer. He didn't remember his birthday, hadn't for years.
“It was that important to you guys?” he asked.
“Of course it was,” Bucky said. “You think we’d just ignore your birthday?”
The team exchanged worried glances when Bob was unable to reply, but then Alexei clapped his hands in an attempt to lighten the mood.
“We celebrate now, yes? We have much planned!” he said loudly.
Celebrate they did. There was a large array of snacks and plenty of games to play. Bob was still wary for most of it, but he opened up once they got to a game that Bucky had come up with. Instead of pin the tail on the donkey, they had to pin a clown nose onto a picture of Val that someone drew devil horns on. Bob was the only one who got it perfect and he was pretty happy about it even if the team’s praise made him turn beet red. They took some time between games to order in from a Thai place Bob loved. He got all of his favorites and his anxiety had thankfully not gotten to his appetite.
When the time came to open presents, Bob sat on the couch while everyone took seats around him. The coffee table had actually been cleaned for once and cleared of its usual junk in favor of a bunch of brightly colored gift bags.
“Should we draw straws for who goes first?” Ava asked.
“No no, it should be the strongest,” Alexei said, flexing an arm. “That is how it works in animal kingdom.”
Bucky rolled his eyes, grabbing a bag from the table and handing it to Bob. “I’m first because I said so.” When Alexei’s mouth fell open in shock, Bucky winked at him. “You couldn't take me in a fight anyway, old man. Consider this a favor.”
He started quietly muttering things in Russian as Bob studied the gift in his lap. The bag was blue and white, with glittery stars stuck onto it. Bob ran a finger over the matching blue tissue paper and took a deep breath. John, who was sitting next to him, placed a hand on his lower back. He glanced at John and the worry in his brows lessened when the blonde nodded at him. It was okay. This was a gift for him and it wasn't a crime to open it.
The team watched with bated breath as he pulled out the tissues. Even Bucky seemed uncharacteristically nervous, shifting his weight between arms in his spot near Bob’s feet. When the last piece of paper had been plucked, Bob stared down at the bag with a look of what could only be described as mute horror.
“What is it, Bob?” Ava asked. “Don't leave us hanging.”
“I… Bucky…” Bob whispered. He looked down at him with glassy eyes. “I can't accept this. This must be a mistake.”
He tried to push the bag toward him, but Bucky pushed it back and shook his head. Bob had gone tense, acting like the bag in his lap was on fire.
“Bob, this gift is for you. Just open it,” he said.
Bob reached into the bag and pulled out a bundle tied with ribbon. John immediately realized what it was and why Bob had reacted the way he did. It was a stack of comic books, individually wrapped and secured with care. Bob loved comic books and was always going down to the local store on weekends to get new issues of series he liked, but this was something else entirely.
Yelena let out a low whistle. “Those look special.”
“T-they’re Captain America comics. Genuine first editions,” Bob said in a shaky voice. “Oh, my God. Bucky where did you get these?”
He shrugged. “I have my ways. You like them? Got you the entire series.”
“Like them? I love them! They're priceless. I don't even want to touch them with my hands, let alone open them.”
He ran a delicate hand over the top issue in pure reverence. They were in excellent condition for their age. John knew they must have cost a fortune, if that was how Bucky had come by them.
Bucky nodded. “I knew you wouldn't want to dirty them, so I got you something else to go along with them.” He grabbed a smaller bag and gave it to Bob. “This is much less delicate.”
“Oh!” Alexei said. “This is from me and Winter Soldier. Super soldier gift.”
Bucky shot him an annoyed look that didn't quite reach his eyes. “Yeah yeah, this is from Alexei and I, but mostly me.”
Bob opened it and pulled out a small box.
“An e-reader?” he asked.
“So you can bring your books with you when we go on extended missions. I already took the liberty of adding all the Cap comics to it,” Bucky said.
“Look further in bag. There is more,” Alexei added.
He pulled out more paper which fell to the floor before Yelena grabbed it. She smoothed it out and folded it, before adding it to a neat stack of the other paper. Bob finally found a gift card and gasped when he read it.
“This says five hundred dollars,” he said.
“For books! You can get as many as you like.”
He put the e-reader and card beside the comics on the cushion beside him and placed his head in his hands. Bucky leaned forward and grabbed his knee, rubbing his thumb in circles.
“Don't overthink it, Bob,” he said quietly. “I wouldn't have gotten it if I didn't want to. You deserve all of this.”
Bob nodded, head still in his hands. They gave him time to collect himself, staying quiet and preparing to offer him comfort if he needed it. Eventually he took a deep shuddering breath and looked up. His eyes were red and a few tears had fallen, but he gave everyone a small smile.
“I’m okay. What’s next?”
Yelena took the empty bag and added it to her pile before jumping up to grab her gift. The bag was a garish tie dye print with a pink faux fur lined trim. A few clumps of pink fluff fell onto Bob’s lap as she set the bag down.
“You are going to love this,” she said.
He worked through this one with more confidence, pulling out a few folded shirts without stopping once. They were various band shirts from groups he and Yelena liked. They were all short sleeved which was a far cry from the too big sweaters he practically lived in.
“Lena, these are sick.” He grabbed one with what looked like a skeleton riding a midnight black horse and held it against his chest. “Manchester Riot, this has to be their best album cover.”
“Right!?” she replied, smiling from ear to ear. “And there is more where that came from. We are going on a shopping trip, just you and me. Well, maybe Ava can come too. We must get you a proper wardrobe, Bob. Your sweaters are nice, but you wear them so often, some are starting to grow holes. You can't keep hiding those guns under those sleeves either. They need to breathe!”
She took his arm and bent it so that it looked like he was flexing. All it did was bunch up the sleeve in navy blue wrinkles.
“We cannot see the guns,” Alexei said. “Lena is right. We must free them!”
Bob chuckled and laid the shirts down gently. John noticed him taking special care to rearrange them a few times, his loving gaze falling on everything he had gotten so far. He slipped his arm around Bob’s waist and gave him a small squeeze, smiling when Bob automatically leaned back against him.
“Alright, I guess I'll go next,” Ava said. Her gifts were all wrapped and there were a few of them. “Though I'm not sure I can compete with my cohorts. Next time we need to coordinate.”
“No, that's okay. I’ll like whatever it is just as much as the other gifts,” Bob said.
She smiled and ruffled his hair. “Such a sweetheart.”
His cheeks went red as he tore into the gifts. He was like a kid on Christmas, grinning in delight as the paper scraps fell all around him. A laugh came from his lips as he studied everything. It was a bunch of crochet stuff: books on projects for beginners, a starter kit with everything you needed for said projects, and a small journal titled ‘Craft Ideas’.
“Ava,” was all he could manage.
He looked at her with the most sincere face he could muster, which made her shrink a little and shake her head. She was terrible at accepting compliments, still pretending to be the lone wolf.
“Oh, don't look at me like that. It was nothing, really. You've been doing phenomenal during my lessons and I figured you should take the next step,” she said from where she was leaning against the wall. “I also got you a big basket of yarn, but I’ll give you that tomorrow. I’m sure you’ll want to inspect every color and we’ll be here all night if you do.”
Bob wiped a tear from his eye as John grabbed his gift and waited to give it to him.
“Well, all your gifts were lovely, but I'm sorry to say I have you all beat,” he said smugly. “I can't blame you though, I simply know Bobby better than any of you could ever hope to.”
Bob elbowed him playfully. “Come on, dude,” he whined.
“Hush, you know I'm right.”
He gave him the bag and leaned back on the couch, smiling at his teammates and ignoring the muttered groans and eye rolls they all tossed his way. They only looked like victory to him, especially when Bob’s eyes lit up when he realized what he had gotten him. Yelena fell onto her back and cursed loudly as Bob pulled out the box. John knew she had tried to get this exact gift before her plans fell through and she pivoted to the shopping trip.
“A Switch 2?” Bob asked. “How'd you get one of these? They’ve been sold out for weeks.”
John kissed his cheek, letting his lips linger. “Two phones, a laptop, and a dream, baby. No waitlist was going to stop me.”
Bob turned his head so that their noses rubbed. John could feel him practically vibrating with happiness and he desperately wished he could pull him into his lap right then and there.
“Thank you,” Bob whispered. He then turned to the rest of them. “All of you… thank you. I don't know what to say.”
Yelena jumped onto the couch, between Bob and his gifts, and gave him a side hug. Ava walked over and placed a hand on his shoulder, while Bucky gripped his knee harder and Alexei pulled out his phone to take a discreet photo.
“No need for gratitude, Bob. We all know how you feel,” Yelena said. “You will let us play Mario Kart with you and I will beat you every time as my payment.”
The sentiment was echoed among the group, except for Bucky who was allergic to video games that required more skill than Pong. After many hugs and frantic ‘thank you’s, it was decided that cake was next.
“Cake?” Bob asked, pulling away from Ava who he had been thanking profusely for the crochet hooks.
“Cake!” Alexei echoed. “John made it.”
Bob's eyes went wide as he caught John's gaze. It pained him to say he felt a twinge of sorrow at his own boyfriend being surprised that he'd do something nice for him, but he had to remind himself that Bob was healing and these feelings were to be expected.
“You made me a cake?” he asked.
He shrugged, throwing on his signature bravado. “Why wouldn't I? My boyfriend only gets the best. The team even helped me with it.”
“Really?”
“Don't look so shocked, mister. We can do much more than punch and shoot. I frosted it and I did a fine job if I do say so myself,” Ava said.
Bob stood and let himself be led to the kitchen where Bucky was rooting around in the fridge. He shut the door with his hip and carried the cake to the table. It looked professionally made, with an over the top frosting design in various shades of gold and blue.
“As the responsible adult around here, it was my job to place the candles on it.” He turned it around to show Bob the fancy silver candles arranged in a circle around his name in white looping cursive. “And to light it too.”
He was already fidgeting with the lighter in his hand, flipping it open and closed with a rhythmic clicking sound. Alexei came to stand beside him, trying to grab the lighter before Bucky moved it to his vibranium arm out of reach.
Alexei smiled and tapped his fist on the table. “I taste tested during its construction and I can confirm it is excellent. Gourmet!”
Yelena sat next to Bob and bumped her fist against his shoulder. “I guarded the fridge from Alexei taste testing it several more times. You're welcome, by the way.” She shot a glare at her father as he tried to subtly swipe his finger across the back of the cake where it wouldn't be as noticeable. “My vigilance has earned me the second piece after Bob gets his.”
“Oh, wow,” Bob said. He took out his phone and snapped a picture of the cake, pausing to admire it on the screen. “You guys, this is way too much. You didn't have to—”
John cut him off. “You’re right, Bobby. We should've done more, all things considered. Yelena did look into renting a petting zoo, but Mel shot that one down.”
“Don't remind me! She thinks we cannot handle some goats for an hour or two. What does that say about her confidence toward us, oh I don't know, protecting the world?” Yelena said.
Ava shook her head with a smirk. “Yeah, doesn't she know we’re all highly trained in animal husbandry?”
Everyone laughed except for Yelena. They skipped the birthday song, something about Bob not wanting to cry even more in front of them. After lighting the candles and having Bob make a wish, they all took their slices and enjoyed themselves. Someone turned on music and a bunch of plates from the snack table migrated to the kitchen counter with the cake.
John had finished his slice and was trying to make it look like he was scrolling on his phone and not filming Ava and Yelena dancing to some obscure Bulgarian metal song from the 90s. Alexei was cheering them on, clapping his hands to the beat. John was so engrossed in the display that he almost didn't notice Bob slip out of his seat. He looked behind him to see Bob and Bucky in the far corner of the room talking in hushed tones. The music was loud enough that he could barely hear them with his enhanced hearing, but he caught the tail end of their conversation.
“…you mean a lot to me, Bob. I mean that. I've been in your place before and I had no one to help me so let me do this for you.”
Bob nodded and spoke with barely restrained tears in his voice. “Yeah. Alright. I'll take good care of them and the e-reader. I'll use it all the time.”
Bucky clapped him on the shoulder. “That's all I want to hear.”
He then walked off, stalking down the hall to probably find the restroom. Bob found his way back to John’s side. He laid his head on John’s shoulder and sighed when John brought his hand up to run his fingers through his hair.
“Having a good time?” he asked.
Bob nodded. It was the only answer John needed.
Later he would grab Ava and have a similar conversation, thanking her again for her gift and asking her if they could have a crochet session on their next day off.
After the cake had been decimated, they all gathered on the couch for a movie. It was Bob’s choice of course and he picked an action flick John was sure he’d seen before. He sat on the edge of the couch with Bob curled into his side. He was swiping though his e-reader as the opening credits played, setting up the device. John’s gaze drifted over to him every so often during the movie and he noticed that he was only adding books to his wish list, not buying them. He was planning the talk he'd have with Bob about how it was okay to use the gift card when he started to drift off.
When he woke up later, the TV screen had gone back to the main menu. Yelena was sprawled out on the floor, wrapped up in a blanket. Alexei was in the recliner, not snoring for once. Ava was curled in a ball on the opposite side of the couch John was on. Bucky and Bob were absent.
He quickly checked his room, but it was empty. There was a light on underneath Bucky’s door and he heard the sound of an old war documentary playing. Bob wouldn't be there which meant he was somewhere in the tower. He was always finding new nooks and crannies to hide in when he was feeling down or needed space, but John always managed to find him even if it took forever.
This time only ten minutes or so had passed when he walked into an old dance hall. The room was long past its prime, but he wondered what kind of parties had been held here. Tony Stark had been known for his excess in the old days. The lights were off, but the massive floor to ceiling windows let in more than enough light. He walked past various storage boxes and construction equipment, almost tripping where the remnants of a dance floor became raised and turned into a stage. Above him, there were two massive rectangular cubbies attached to the ceiling. They had held lights at one point, but now they were only filled with dust and one Robert Reynolds. A single arm was hanging out, fingers listlessly tracing shapes in the air.
“Bobby,” he said quietly. “What are you doing up there?”
He walked until he was standing underneath the light holder, straining his neck to look upwards into the dark. A muffled groan was all he got in response.
“Sorry I fell asleep during the movie. We can watch it again another day if you want.”
“No, that's okay,” came a small voice. “There's a remake that's better.”
“Alright. I’ll remember that for our next night in. Now, what do you say about coming down here so we can talk.”
There came a sigh and the arm was retracted back into the darkness. “There's nothing to talk about, unless it's about how useless I am.”
John chuckled. “Useless, huh? You’re something like twenty feet off the ground like it's nothing and you think you’re useless. Come on, babe.”
“Don't pretend I'm not.”
“No pretending here. How did you even get up there?”
Bob groaned, shuffling around up there. “I don't remember.”
“Well, progress was made somehow since I don't see a ladder anywhere around here.”
That got a small pathetic laugh out of him. He finally sat up, legs dangling over the edge. John could see his glowing eyes watching the glass and the cityscape beyond it. He didn't say anything, letting Bob watch the cars far below them. He sometimes wondered just how enhanced Bob's senses were. Could he see the people within those cars? Hear their thoughts perhaps? Eventually he looked around and John saw him grimace when he realized how high up he was.
“It is far up,” he said. “I, um, I suppose I could just roll off of here and fall. Not like I'd get hurt.”
John shut down that line of thinking quickly. “Yeah, no. We aren't doing that. Just close your eyes and try to do like we practiced. Remember how you floated last week? Try it now.”
It took some convincing, but he finally got Bob to attempt it. He felt his heart sing when Bob shut his eyes tight in concentration and lifted off of the cubby. He floated just until he was in the open air, but then he opened his eyes and his fear of heights sent him into free fall. Luckily John was there to catch him.
“Holy shit,” John said, holding Bob close to him. “Good thing you’re light.”
Bob fought to get out of his grasp and stumbled onto the floor. “Always relying on others,” he muttered sadly as he started to make his way out of the room.
John grabbed his arm and shook his head. “Nope.” He brushed some hair out of Bob’s face and tilted his chin up at him. “Pushing us all away only makes things harder for you. Accepting help doesn't make you weak. Besides, what kind of a boyfriend would I be if I just let you pancake onto the floor? I don't care if you're indestructible.”
“I take too much from you guys. I don't need your help.”
“Come sit. Let's talk about this.”
They sat near one of the windows. Bob laid with his cheek pressed up against the glass. John was by his feet, a soothing hand massaging his ankle.
“I don't deserve this,” Bob said eventually. “Don't get me wrong, it's great and all. Tonight was more than I could have ever dreamed of, but it's too much. You guys are only here with me because you're my glorified babysitters. If I wasn't so fucked up, you wouldn't have to deal with all of this.”
“And what is ‘all of this’? A fun night spent with my team playing games and eating cake? Celebrating our favorite person? Don't threaten me with a good time.”
He shook his head. “You’re just saying that. I know you are. All I'm good for is monitoring comms, doing chores, and keeping the couches warm. All the while, you guys are constantly looking over your shoulder watching for shadows. Whatever good you think there is is significantly outweighed by the bad.”
“Bobb—”
“Do you hate me?”
John was so taken aback by the question that he stopped massaging Bob’s ankle, giving the younger man the opportunity to pull his legs closer to his chest. The image of Bob huddled in the corner of this empty room with his face pressed against cold glass broke his heart in two. He moved closer, making sure not to go so fast as to spook him.
“No,” he replied.
“Do you wish you'd never met me?”
He moved again, his foot hitting Bob’s, making him flinch.
“No.”
Bob laughed. “You might change your mind one day.”
John leaned forward and placed a hand on his knee, gripping it tighter when Bob started to pull away. “Fuck no, I won't,” he said sternly. “I already have one failed relationship under my belt. I'm not going to make it two.”
“I took you away from your son… all I do is fuck up.”
“Bob.” He got closer and pulled him into a stiff hug. “I took myself away from my son, you got that? Olivia and him may not be by my side, but I still love them and she’s doing okay. I fucked up long before I met you, so unless you're some all seeing god whose been following me since birth I suggest you find a new angle.”
Bob relaxed in his arms, but he sounded like he was on the verge of tears. “This is not the life I should have. I should be on the streets. I should be dead. It's all I'm good for. I'm no hero. I’m no god, just a guinea pig that somehow lived.”
“You’re a valuable member of the team and you mean a lot to all of us. Hell, you're the glue that keeps us together. We were going to kill each other in that vault until you showed up. We broke up after Valentina got her claws in you, but we came back together in order to save you.” He grabbed Bob’s face and wiped the tears from his cheeks. “Bucky knew you the least out of all of us and he still jeopardized his friendship with Sam in order to keep you safe. He could've told him about your powers whenever he wanted, but he chose to hold your secret because that's what you deserve. Compassion and friendship and stability. Don't ever apologize for getting what is owed to you.”
“Yelena has said the same stuff.”
John nodded. “Would either of us ever lie to you?”
“No, I guess not.”
“Exactly.”
He pulled away and straightened Bob out, wiping his face with a sleeve and fixing the man's askew neckline. In the light, he seemed to glow. It wasn't the first time he’d seen it, but it never failed to captivate him. There was power within Bob even if he had a terrible time of reaching it.
“Your time will come, Bobby. I promise. You’ll master your powers and you’ll look back on days like this and laugh. And if you don't master them, we’ll still be here. You can't get rid of us that easily. We’re like mold.”
Before Bob could respond with something negative, as his frown suggested he was about to, John kissed him. Bob melted into his touch easily, as if they’d been perfectly made to fit with each other. As they kissed, John could feel him starting to let his walls down. He held his cheek with one hand while the other slipped into his pocket. He pulled out a simple flat box and slipped it into his boyfriend's hand. They continued to kiss for what seemed like ages until Bob realized he had been handed something and broke the kiss.
“What’s this?” he asked.
“It's a gift. Nothing too crazy.”
Bob looked horrified again, like he had with the comics. “Two gifts? John, this is too much. I have to pay you back. It looks expensive too. No.”
He tried to give it back to him, but John crossed his arms and turned his head away. He knew he looked like a stubborn child, but he wasn't about to let Bob refuse a gift on today of all days.
“It's called boyfriend privilege,” he said, gently pushing Bob's hand back into his lap. “I get to give you a second present.”
Bob held the box up to his face and stared at it. “It looks expensive.”
It was a plain black rectangular box that he'd stolen from Ava after one of her trips to the mall. At one point it had been home to a pair of earrings or something. You didn't get cheaper than that.
“Open it. It's not what you think it is.” Granted he didn't actually know what Bob thought it was, but he knew the man’s active brain was probably calculating sums in the thousands. “I just didn't want to give you this in front of the others. Wanted this to be special and just between us.”
He gave Bob a reassuring smile when he glanced at him and watched as he opened the box. Bob said nothing as he pulled out the chain. He held it to his chest and shut his eyes.
“John…”
“I love you, Bobby. No matter what those nasty voices in your head want to tell you, I love you.”
Bob opened his hand and looked at his palm, tracing his fingers over the smooth metal. “Your dog tags…”
It was the last connection he had to the military after everything else had been taken from him. He had his thoughts about the government and everything that had happened, but he’d never trade his time in the service for the world. It was who he was and who he would always be. But now he was in a different chapter of his life and there was more to him than just the army.
“The army was my life at one time, but now you are,” he said softly. “I want you to have these. Whenever you feel like shit, you can look at them and remember all that you have now. You have the team and this better life. You have me. You deserve all of it.”
Bob pulled him into a hug with the strength of ten Sentrys. His arms constricted around him like a snake as he whispered just how much he loved him. John couldn't reply, not with Bob crushing his windpipe, so instead he let himself be hugged and hoped that he could always be there for Bob when he needed to be reminded of how much he truly mattered.