Chapter Text
I got no sleep that night. I spent the whole night replaying the events of the day in my head. Ismaël tried to kiss me, and I pushed him away. What kind of idiot was I? Jesus Christ, what was I doing? There were so many reasons I should have kissed him, but even more for why I didn’t. For instance, I’m literally in a committed relationship with someone–and a girl, on top of that.
The worst part about all of this is that Ismaël was right. I do look at him. I guess I don’t do a very good job of hiding my love for him. And there was no other word for it. Love. I love Ismaël. And I couldn’t keep lying to myself, or keep feeling all this shame I’ve felt, for so long.
I had to do it. I had to end things with Karine. Ismaël was right, Karine and I break up and get back together over and over again, that’s just the way things are. But I don’t want that anymore. I want to be with someone who I’m certain that I love, and who I know I’ll never stop loving. I don’t even love Karine. I mean, I love her, as a friend. She’s my favorite person on earth. But I’m not in love with her. And there’s another thing Ismaël was totally right about. I don’t enjoy sex with her. I’ve had sex with only a few girls, but I’ve never actually liked it. And I knew why. I’ve known why ever since I met Ismaël in junior year. He changed my life, and made me realize things I probably would’ve spent my life ignoring if it hadn’t been for him.
And I couldn’t spend the rest of my life hiding who I am and being so ashamed. So I stood up from bed and went downstairs. It was 11:00am, and it was a beautiful day, too. I didn’t want to do this to Karine, but I had to. I picked up the phone in the kitchen and dialed her number. The phone rang a couple times before she picked up.
“Hello?” I heard Karine’s voice say.
“Hey, Karine,” I said, as casually as I could.
“Oh, hey, Stoof,” she said. “What’s up?” she asked. It was just then that I realized that I didn’t have a plan for this at all. But I felt like maybe I shouldn’t break up with her over the phone.
“Um.” I paused, thinking of what to say. “Can we meet up? I need to talk to you,” I said. I hated this.
“Sure?” she said, she sounded very confused. “Are you okay?” she asked. That was one of the things I loved about Karine. She was a very caring person.
“Yeah, I’m good,” I lied. I was actually brimming with nerves. “Should we meet at the usual spot?”
“Um, yeah, okay,” she said. She was obviously very concerned.
“Okay, I’ll see you there,” I said, and hung up the phone. I just wanted to get this over with. I felt so awful. Because there’s another thing Ismaël was right about. Karine loves me, but I could never love her back, at least not in the same way she loves me.
“Hey,” Karine said, walking through the doorway. I’d been waiting for her for a couple minutes, panicking over what the fuck I’m gonna say to her. Hey, Karine, so sorry but… I’m breaking up with you! Oh, why? It’s because I’m gay and practically in love with our best friend of two years now. Yeah, no.
“Hi,” I said as she sat down next to me on the edge of the bed.
“So…” she said, somewhat awkwardly. “What did you want to talk about?”
“Us,” I said, with some hesitation.
“What do you mean?” she asked, her brow creasing in some mix of concern and confusion.
“I mean that…” I trailed off. My heart was racing. I just had to get this over with, rip off the Band-Aid. “We have to break up.”
“What?” her eyes widened and her eyebrows fell. “Why?” she asked, her voice quiet.
“It has nothing to do with you, Karine, I swear,” I said, truthfully. “I promise I love you, and you’re so important to me. But… Maybe I just… don’t love you in the way I thought I did.”
“What are you saying?” she said, but her facial expression told me she understood exactly what I was saying.
“Um…” I let out a deep breath. “I’m gay,” I told her. I’d never said that out loud before. I’m gay.
“Oh,” she said. “Wow. Okay,” she said. She wouldn’t look at me.
“Again, Karine,” I said, and she looked at me. “You really are my favorite person on Earth.” She smiled at me, but tears were beginning to form in her eyes.
“And you’re mine,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper.
“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” I said, making a pathetic attempt to comfort her. I was never good at comforting people. She continued crying for so long that I couldn’t help but start to tear up myself. I scooted closer to her on the bed and hugged her. All she could seem to do was quietly sob, her face buried in her hands. Eventually, I pulled away and she dropped her hands from her face to look at me. Her eye makeup was a complete mess, all the mascara and eyeliner and eyeshadow mixing together and streaming down her face like two waterfalls.
“I’m sorry,” Karine said, catching me off guard.
“I don’t know, for…” she trailed off. “Not realizing, I guess? For forcing you into things you probably didn’t want to do.”
“Hey, no,” I said, wiping a tear from her cheek. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Karine. I’m the one who should be saying sorry, anyway.”
That notion seemed silly to her, I suppose, because she let out a short, breathy laugh and said, “For what, exactly?”
“I should’ve told you sooner,” I said. “That I like guys,” I clarified. “Because for a while I thought maybe I liked both guys and girls, but I… I just don’t think that’s right. But I should’ve told you I liked guys, anyway.”
“Yeah, I guess,” Karine said, her crying slowly stopping. After a few moments of silence, she asked, “What made you realize?” she said. Then, she added, “That you’re gay, I mean?”
“Um…” I trailed off. That might be even harder to tell her than telling her I’m gay. But I owed it to her. “I’ve gotta be honest, Karine,” I started slowly, looking her directly in the eye. “Ismaël…” I said, very embarrassed.
She started laughing. A real laugh, this time. “Isma turned you gay?” she giggled.
I had to laugh along with her. It was pretty ridiculous. “Yep,” I said, still laughing. “Pretty much.”
“Damn,” she said, obviously floored by this revelation. “That’s crazy, bro.”
“It is,” I breathed out.
“Well,” Karine said, after a few more moments of silence. “I suppose this means… We’re breaking up. For good this time.”
“Yeah,” I said, still kind of shocked and a little proud of myself for bringing myself to tell her all this in the first place.
“We’ll still be friends though,” she said, matter-of-factly.
“Of course, yeah,” I agreed, smiling at her.
“Oh, it wasn’t a question,” she said, smiling. “You’re stuck with me, Stoof.”
I laughed. I was glad we were friends. Karine really was my favorite person in the whole world.