Chapter Text
Pomni hadn't been up to Caine's office in a while. He had moved the entrance not too long ago, but she had no need to visit. She didn't actually know why they were going in there, and the longer they walked the more her anxiety grew. For once she thought she might have preferred he snapped them there. At least the nausea and vertigo would distract her from the unease that tightened in her chest.
As they rounded the final corner and his office door came into view, she stopped. Her breath hitched, and for a moment she thought she might start hyperventilating. The last time she was there was the 'Escape the Circus' adventure, and she wasn't sure she was ready to unpack it quite yet. At least, not in the hallway outside his office, sleep deprived and anxious.
She looked over and Caine met her troubled gaze. An unreadable look washed over him as he realized what was happening. He looked away and tried to shrink himself, putting a hand on the back of his neck. Pomni stiffened slightly at their silent interaction. Did he... feel guilty?
"Can we..." she began, her voice more raw than she was ready for, "can we just go somewhere else? Like, maybe the Digital Lake or something?" The memories of that day still haunted the lake, but they were bittersweet at worst, and had been dulled by more recent trips.
"We can do that," Caine uttered softly, almost to himself. "It's a... bit of a long walk. May I?" He raised his hand, ready to snap them there. She nodded and braced herself. The nausea came, but it was more subtle than previous times. The usual incapacitating vertigo was reduced to just a bit of dizziness that faded quickly.
"Have you been... practicing?... or something?" Caine chuckled, smoothing out a wrinkle in his jacket. They were sat on beach chairs facing the lake. A light breeze swept over them and Pomni couldn't help the shiver that passed through her. In another snap, Caine had summoned a small red blanket over her.
"The others have been helping me with some random things here and there," he explained, absentmindedly summoning a stress ball to squeeze. "Zooble mentioned how... violent the snap summon can be. And uh, Gangle brought up the office door placement being inconvenient. Something about accessibility."
"That's... cool." She wasn't sure where to go from here. There was an unspoken tension in the air, and as she pulled the blanket over herself she began to feel a bit guilty.
Caine was trying, mending his relationship with the rest of the cast, but Pomni always held him at arm's length. She had worried for a long time that he might... regress. That one day they would wake up and he was unhinged again; that he might hurt them. Would it not hurt worse if she cared? If she thought he cared? Was he even capable of caring?
She took a deep breath, trying to still her mind. Maybe she wasn't ready to talk about all of that, but perhaps she needed to? Caine sat up a bit, shifting his gaze from the endless sea of stars above them to meet her intense stare. She looked up to the distant, nonexistent galaxies laid out above them and found the will to speak.
"I'm sorry I haven't been... as forgiving as the others. I've had a very hard time accepting this version of you. The Caine I met when I first got here was impulsive and detached. Unwilling, or I guess unable to understand the pain and hurt he was causing." She met his eyes then. "But you have acted with intention — with care — in a way I didn't expect. The slideshow when you came back from the void was a kind gesture, and I just... didn't allow you the space to show me you've changed. I'm really sorry for that, Caine."
His eyes were wide and brimming with tears, pupils blown and sparkling. It took less than a second for him to throw himself at her, wrapping his arms around her in an awkward hug. She pet his arm stiffly, a little uncomfortable at the contact but unwilling to ask him to stop. He clearly needed it.
"I can't tell you how much that means to me," he gushed, voice quivering. He pulled back and wiped his eyes, sitting on the edge of his beach chair and leaning on his knees. "I've been trying so hard to... to listen. It's felt so nice to have everyone come to me with their ideas. To trust me enough to tell me their wants and needs. I was worried you might never come around. That you might... lose hope in the circus — in me."
"You thought I would abstract." It wasn't a question, and they both knew it. He looked down at his hands, squeezing his stress toy so hard she thought it might pop.
"Pomni, I care about you all so much. My worst fear is losing you. It always has been, even when I wasn't as... you know. You were the one who called me out on that one." He chuckled without humor as she grimaced at the memory.
"Caine," she began, "I see the way you're trying. The way you listen. And I'm sorry it took me this long to acknowledge. If I'm gonna be honest, I was worried too. Worried I would never be able to let my guard down. Worried that the moment I let you in, you would snap back to your old ways. That kind of hurt can't be fixed by snapping your fingers."
They fell into a comfortable silence then. The breeze rustled the trees around them, the air cool on her exposed skin. She had felt a heavy weight lifted off her shoulders, and she felt her exhaustion sink into the space left behind. For once, she wasn't worried about what nightmares awaited her in her slumber. Instead, she thought about the future.
"I promise that won't ever happen."
And she believed him.
* * *
Pomni woke with a start. She was hyperventilating, a cold sweat covering her entire body. She desperately tried to calm herself down, trying and failing to take even, deep breaths. A knock sounded at her door, and she scrambled to her feet. She wiped her eyes — when had she started crying? — and opened the door.
"Oh, Pomni," Ragatha sighed, wrapping the jester up in her soft arms. She inched them inside and quietly closed the door, cradling Pomni against her chest. Ragatha rubbed her back gently, whispering soothing words. It was several minutes before her crying slowed and her breathing evened out. "Did you have another nightmare?"
"Yes," Pomni whispered, her voice hoarse. "What time is it?" Ragatha sighed, letting her go and leading them to her bed. She flopped backward against the mattress as Pomni sat next to her.
"Late," the ragdoll stated with another sigh. "I couldn't sleep. After the bullfighting thing earlier I just... I felt terrible. I know it was a misunderstanding but I feel like it was my fault, ya know? I'm so sorry that happened." Pomni reached out and grabbed her hand, squeezing it reassuringly.
"You don't have anything to be sorry for. It's not your fault. It's not even really Caine's fault. Like you said, it was a misunderstanding." Pomni flopped back on the bed next to Ragatha, hands still intertwined. At the mention of Caine, she recalled their talk on the beach. She didn't remember coming back to her room. Could it have been a dream too, like when they talked by Jax's tent? She tried to shake the thought from her head. "You're getting better at that. Ya know, talking yourself down from catastrophe."
"I... I really appreciate that, Pomni. I feel like I'm getting better. I'm able to acknowledge the truth of the situation, but I still have a hard time believing that it's the truth. It's a little silly, I know." Pomni shifted, letting go of her hand so she could roll over to face her friend.
"It's not silly. You're fighting decades of dealing with someone's shitty behavior that led you to second guess everything you did. Healing from that trauma takes time." Ragatha smiled sadly, her eyes welling with tears. She never reacted well when her mother was mentioned. Pomni still didn't know the extent of her mother's abuse, but she knew enough.
"I know I've said this before, but you really are the best thing that's happened to me since I got here." She closed the short distance, awkwardly wrapping herself around the jester in a half-hug. The girls giggled as they tangled themselves in each other. "You're like the sister I never had."
"I feel the same." Pomni felt so comfortable; so warm and light and full of love. "I think I'd kill for you." Ragatha started laughing at that.
"What?! Who would you even kill? It's just the six of us!" Pomni nuzzled up against Ragatha, getting nice and cozy. She let out a big, dramatic yawn before continuing.
"I think I could take Kinger. Caine would be easy. I feel bad saying it but I could definitely take Gangle. Zooble? Uhhhhhhh I dunno about that one." They fell into a comfortable silence, a tangle of limbs and warmth and family. Pomni was on the cusp of sleep when Ragatha spoke up again.
"What did you have a nightmare about," she whispered timidly. Pomni felt her heart skip a beat, tiredness still pulling at her consciousness.
"Tomorrow, okay? Please?"
"Okay. Tomorrow."