Chapter Text
After that world cup, I knew that whatever would happen between us, we'd survive it.
I knew it by the way Jude spent the next week being extra careful around me, because as much as I loved him, a defeat always hurt.
I knew it by the way he came home super early once England had won against France, for the third place.
I knew it by the way he made love to me that night, by the way he looked at me as if I was truly his only person in the whole world, by the way he listened to me and tried to cook pasta bolognese again and failed but I didn't care because he tried and I loved him and he loved me and it was all I needed to know.
We had planned on telling our families soon. The world, we were still reluctant about. And maybe we'll always be. We'd try to keep our hands off each other during games, but God knows we're bad at that. And so maybe people will speculate about us, and they'll be right and we'll say nothing.
I know our families will be alright. Jude's brother knew something was up, and he guessed almost all of the truth the other day, except the person his brother was in love with. He knew it was a boy, a footballer, but he didn't know exactly who. He had said he'd prepare their parents, but that there were no doubts they'll be ok.
I knew mine were open minded too, so I wasn't so worried. I realised how lucky we were, and I realised how we could inspire people to feel good about their sexuality if we came out publicly, but we felt like our love was too precious. That it was better to keep it warm in between us, to not share it with the world. Not when we were both under the spotlight.
I thought we could live like that. With great football careers, loving and understanding families and a devoted love to each other. I knew sometimes things would be hard, and I knew bad days would happen. But I also knew our love had not faltered in three years, so I had faith it would not, either, for the rest of our lives.
I had faith I would love Jude Bellingham until my last breath, and I had faith he would love me all the same. From a scratch of toe to passionate kisses to hugging so hard we couldn't breathe, to tears to smile, to injuries to health, I had faith in the both of us.
From start to finish, I knew we were in for a long game.
And now, you know it too.
This game is still being written with everyday I spent by his side, but it is also one that I wanted to put on paper with my silly english words and my silly way of putting them all together in a sentence.
I wrote this because I want to be able to read some parts of this on our wedding day, because I know there will be one. Because I want to have proof Jude Bellingham is mine, that I am his, when the world won't believe me. I won't blame them, because I sometimes feel overwhelmed by how lucky I am he chose me, he who could have literally anyone he wanted.
Mostly, and I'll never admit it, I wanted to have this written down because it helps me remember that this is real. And when I say this, I mean my relationship with Jude, obviously, but I also mean that it helps me remember I actually am a great footballer. I actually am playing for Manchester City. I have actually played in the last world cup.
My life sometimes feels so out of a dream, that something as simple as a journal helps me realise I'm on earth, I'm living, breathing, awake, and I'm living all that stuff that seemed impossible to me when I was still a little boy.
It's the kind of stuff you think only happens to others. I used to think others like Messi and Ronaldo were robots, sent on earth by God knows who, to make us jealous. To make us envy them, to force us to sacrifice things we cared about in hope to be like them, to be that robot.
But I learned my way. I know there is no robot. I know if you put in the work, if you keep showing up even when you're tired, drained, motivation empty and lost, there's no way anybody wouldn't make it.
I made it, greater than I had ever hoped. And I am no robot. I'm just a boy who loved football, put in the work, got himself into Dortmund and fell in love there, then played for another great team and there would be more to come, I knew, and all of that, still in love.
And a robot could've never loved Jude the way I do. A robot couldn't have enjoyed this life as I am now.
And for all of what's written here and everything that's about to come, I am immensely grateful.
I started this journey grateful, and I'll finish it grateful. Forever.