Chapter Text
The soft end-of-summer winds hit Haewon's face. It's comforting, not so strong that it would knock her from her spot on the tree. Though, she would be lying if she hasn't busted her ass from a powerful gust before. Today isn't like that.
She sits in the tree, face stoic, angry.
Haewon is always angry.
However, she finds a bit of relief up here in this tree on especially tough days. Never would she dare to admit that she takes the things she has learned with her therapist and uses them. But, she recalls a certain breathing technique to cool down. In two three four….hold two three four…. out two three four…
"Those fists of yours are going to be the very reason you end up just like your father, you know? Why do you insist one being like him?"
CRACK.
A hard cover book crashes against the wall of the kitchen. Haewon's chest heaves as steam flies out of her ears,
"I am NOTHING, like that man."
Her mother scowls. She takes large steps towards her daughter and scoffs, "You know what? You might be right." Her and Haewon are merely inches apart. Haewon straightens her spine and tries to keep her breath steady and strong. God forbid she give her mother any indication of weakness, one shaky breath would do her in.
The woman smirks and says with every intention to ridicule her own child:
"You're not like your father at all. You're worse."
SMACK.
Haewon can't help herself from reacting to the pain. She clenches her teeth a little harder, closes her eyes a little tighter until the initial shock subsides. She exhales again from her nose in defiance.
She hates when her mother hits her.
CRACK.
In the wider kitchen, nothing has changed. Another book wasn't suddenly thrown against the wall, laying with pages splaying out, the binding broken. Nor had her mother delivered another blow to the child's face. The crack, this time, came from deep within Oh Haewon, in the part of her gut that holds her spirit, her hope. Like a mighty storm blowing across the forest, the unforgiving tempest slashes and shakes, disrupts everything in its center. A crack of lighting strikes a lone tree, right on one of it's main branches. The electric shock fries through the bark and severs the tree's primary limb. It comes crashing, down, down, down.
Haewon knows she will never be happy here.
A breeze paces through once more. Haewon can hear it ruffle the leaves of all the other trees and plant-life around. She tilts her chin up and let's it wash over her.
Maybe one day she'll fall for good.
"Miss Oh, I'd like to see you in my office after lunch please." Miss Minatozaki requests just as Haewon heads for the lunch line in the cafeteria.
"I didn't even do anything!" She protests back.
"Miss Oh, please, don't make this more difficult than it has to be." Miss Minatozaki tries to ration with the student.
A physical rush of intense heat comes over her body, her vision narrows down. She can only see Miss Minatozaki in her tunnel vision.
"I didn't even fucking do anything!" She shouts at a volume where everyone in the cafeteria has no other choice but to look in the direction of the commotion.
The guidance counselor can feel the gaze of the crowd on her. She sticks out both of her hands and speaks slowly. "Haewon, you're okay. I know it feels scary-"
"I'M NOT FUCKING SCARED!" She yells and moves closer to the guidance counselor.
The junior had really done herself in with the shouting. She heard running and turned her head to find a school security guard approaching her. She starts yelling again, the guard shouts in response and reaches for her arms.
"DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME YOU FUCKERS!"
She feels the uncomfortable pinning of her own arms to her back. In rapid succession, a cool sensation touches her wrists and a lock clicks into place. She's been cuffed. The feeling of being restrained frightens her, and the reaction to this fear results in her kicking, struggling to get free.
It doesn't last long.
The security guard kicks in the weak spot behind Haewon's knees. She's down on the ground. There's a certain ringing in her ears as she her senses are overwhelmed with everything that has transpired. She thinks she hears Miss Minatozaki say something to the security guard like "unprofessional'" and "hazard". Her eyes follow the sound of Miss Minatozaki's clearly enraged voice and sees her face completely red and gesticulating angrily at the man. She thinks she recognizes a few more voices entering the frame, the resource officer, Mrs. Jeong as well as some other voices that sound like teachers.
There's a whole lot of yelling going on, and it makes Haewon's nerves feel like they're on fire. Every phrase that is being spoken, or shouted, no longer registers in her brain— it's just meaningless sound, like when the adults talk in some cartoons.
Her heart beats rapidly, as it hits her that she is still on the ground, arms behind her back in the cuffs the guard placed on her, in the middle of the cafeteria.
Haewon grits her teeth and chokes back the urge to cry. Not here. Not now.
Fuck the security guard. Fuck Miss Minatozaki. Fuck this fucking school and everyone in it.
Haewon hopes she doesn't walk by and see her like this.
Haewon's grandma was the gentlest person she ever knew. Which is why she was so surprised that someone like her own mother could ever come from her.
In the ninth grade, things started to change for Oh Haewon. For the better.
The summer going into her final year of middle school Haewon packed up all her belongings in cardboard boxes— boxes she got by asking different shops around town if they could offload any in their supply to her. She carefully packed her clothes, her books, the stuffed bear she's had since one nice lady at church gave her when she was four years old. Other things like her sheets, her shelves, anything else she left behind. Her mother could do whatever she wants with it, let it collect dust, sell them, toss them in the garbage, it wouldn't matter.
Once she got confirmation from her grandmother herself, the school district, and her social worker, she could not contain her excitement. There is a way out of this, she thought to herself.
She crossed the days off in her notebook calendar countdown called "Days til I'm home with Halmeoni." It gave her something to hold onto as the last few weeks of living in the dingy apartment with her mother stretched on.
Haewon would pack her belongings at night, quietly, not to wake her mother. She made the mistake of packing during the day, where she was met with berating comments and a wad of spit just nearly missing her head. "Ungrateful bitch," she'd hear her mother grumble.
It was hysterical, almost, how her mother tried to plead with everyone on her case. The ways she would actually get dressed and presentable for the day. The pitiful ways she attempted to clean their home. Everyone could see right through the facade.
"Ma, this is a serious overreaction. Haewon is my daughter!" she cried to Haewon's grandmother.
"And you are mine. From one mother to another, as the mother of my grandaughter, I cannot allow for Haewon continue to live here. She will come to my house and continue school."
She remembers the flabbergasted look on her mother's face.
"And maybe if you behave yourself, we can talk about the occasional visit."
***
Haewon loved living at Halmeoni's.
For starters, it was so much cleaner than her mother's shithole. The bottoms of her feet didn't get dark and dusty from walking around barefoot. The scent of the linen's out of the wash gracefully filled the air that went up her nose, instead of like a punch of the bleachy scented cheap soap her mom bought.
Halmeoni always made home cooked meals, and some produce from her own personal garden always appeared in a dish. Haewon liked going out to pick strawberries and tomatoes the most. This was a lot different than the frozen TV-dinners and the greasy takeout bags that Haewon grew up eating.
Halmeoni also had lovely neighbors. To the right, an older couple, the Sons's. Sometimes their granddaughter, Hyeju, would visit and the Son's would invite Halmeoni and Haewon over to watch the sunset on their porch and eat ice pops. There was also the single woman who lived next door on the left, Miss Dae. Halmeoni worried she was lonely, so Miss Dae was invited over dinner frequently. She was a very kind lady. She moved out to the countryside to be a children's author. She'd bring her stories over and let Haewon read them and ask for her opinions ("Are these characters likeable Haewonnie?")
There was also Lucky Byeol, or just Lucky, her grandmother's dog. Lucky loved going for walks around town (and conveniently stopping to rest at the most inopportune places). He was a medium sized dog with ears pointed on the top of his head. He had yellowish sandy fur, and a scrappy sounding bark. He was perfect. Haewon would wake up from naps on the couch to Lucky asleep on her legs. She'd run off the school bus most days and be greeted by Lucky in the front of their lawn.
Sitting in her reading chair in her room (a reading chair would have been completely unheard of back at her old home) Haewon looks up to hear the pitter-patter of Lucky's paws on the wooden floors. The air smelt like pepper, tomato, curry— divine and delicious. She closed her book and placed it on her bed side stand and looked around.
In her old room, her walls were off-white and bare, with the exception of a picture she drew of Peter Pan. The floors were dusty and creaky, and her bed was too small for even one person, and because the roof slanted down, she had to get really good at not shooting up right away when she woke, unless she was okay having a big old goose egg on her forehead and mild concussion.
Here, her walls were full. Haewon pinned more drawings up on her walls, movie posters, CD pamphlets she liked the art of , and pictures of Lucky, her, and Halmeoni (most of them were Lucky). She had book shelves filled with actual books instead of being used as a boozecart. Her bedspread were pastels, greens and pinks and blues, and resting atop was a stuffed dog that looked a little like Lucky.
"Haewon-ah, come down and help me set up for dinner! Miss Dae will be over shortly!"
"Coming!" she yelled back. Though, this yell was different. It was kinder, informative, happy. Different than the communication Haewon had most often with her mother.
She learned to love setting up the table, to clean up after a meal, to make her sheets in the morning. Things she had no idea about back then.
In so many ways, big and small, living with Halmeoni saved Haewon's life.
The ringing in her ears finally starts to fade. She blinks her eyes slowly, like a faint flutter, and Haewon comes back.
There's a glass of water sitting in front of her.
The room is full of plants, coloring books, stress toys, and warm lighting.
She's in Miss Minatozaki's office.
But, the chair in front of her is empty. She wonders what's going on and how they ended up getting her here in the first place. She won't fight it though, the chaos earlier ended up coming back to bite her in a very real way. Besides, she's tired.
She reaches for the glass of water in front of her and focuses on one of the inspirational posters . It's a photograph of Atlas holding the world up against a green background, the text in a terrible bubble lettered font reads, "Lighten your load, ask for help!"
Haewon rolls her eyes as she takes another long sip of the cold water in front of her. She jumps just a little when she hears the creak of the door open.
"Oh good, I figured you'd need some water." Miss Minatozaki says as she walks towards her desk chair.
Haewon says nothing.
"How are you feeling, Haewon-ssi?" she asks the student.
Again, Haewon says nothing. She blinks and lifts the glass to her lips again.
The guidance counselor exhales and nods before sitting down.
"Well, I want to begin with an apology," she starts.
Haewon continues to stare.
"The way the resource officers behaved themselves in the cafeteria is completely unacceptable. If this is how they choose to react, they pose as a dangerous hazard to our students. I am disgusted with them and they will be getting an official report written by me sent to Principal Myoui and to the institutions in which they got their training from."
Haewon thinks she notices Miss Minatozaki's eyes grow a little wet and red.
"I was completely appalled at the ways they put their hands on you. I was afraid for you, Haewon. And I'm sorry I couldn't deescalate in time."
The student notices the teachers jaw stiffen in attempt to hold back from crying. Haewon moves her gaze from Miss Minatozaki to the wood of her desk.
"They will no longer work at this school. Today will be their last day if I have anything to do with it. And if they aren't terminated, I will make their lives a living hell, and our Principal will never know peace."
Woah, Haewon thought. She's never heard of anyone, especially and adult, threaten to go against Principal Myoui. Haewon hated her, of course, but only from a distance. She's a powerful woman that makes decisions that will affect the future.
Haewon decides to simply nod, unsure if she should express gratitude or not. Instead, she'll offer her understanding of the information spoken.
She watches as the woman tugs at her shirt collar and does a tiny gulp.
"Ah, now, I have some matters to discuss with you, Miss Oh."
In a small voice, Haewon replies, "I didn't do anything."
The teacher gives a sad smile and takes a moment. "I know Haewon, that's not what I needed to see you for."
She looks up and searches the teachers face.
"Haewon, it's about your mother."
Without thinking, Haewon's right hand raises to her ear and touches it faintly. The ringing sound is back. She forces herself to swallow. She feels her jaw stiffen.
Mrs. Minatozaki takes another deep breathe of her own and looks into to Haewon. "She's in the hospital right now. And I…" she pauses for a moment, "To tell you the truth, Haewon, she's not doing well."
Haewon's eyes look forward, but she's not really looking into the guidance counselor's eyes. She can't bring herself to have the woman's eyes in focus right now. Silence is the only response she can give.
"The reason I called you to my office is because I am here on behalf of the institution to let you know that you have the option to take a brief leave to go home and-"
"I don't want to see her." Haewon interrupts bluntly,
Miss Minatozaki looks slightly taken aback at the jolted response from the student. She begins again, "Because we have reason to your mother does not have much time le-"
"I said I don't want to see her." she states again, her voice not louder, but firmer.
"Haewon I know your mother and you have a strained relationship-"
"I don't care about that woman. And she doesn't care about me."
The guidance counselor sucks in her teeth and nods. "I understand. I am not here to force you to visit your mother in the hospital. It's my job to let you know that should you want to, you can with full permission granted by everyone on staff."
"I don't want to."
Silence, this time from Miss Minatozaki.
"And I won't change my mind."
"I understand, Haewon" Miss Minatozaki gently replies.
"You're not gonna lecture me about how this is my mom and even though we have a bad relationship I should be the bigger person and visit her one last time cause she's dying?"
The light brown haired woman takes of her glasses and sets them next to a clear mason jar filled with daisies, a sticky note sits on the glass with a doodle of a heart and a chipmunk signed by the initials, K.D.
The woman pushes her hair back with the glasses free hand, her face with malleable expression. "I'm not going to do that, Haewon."
The student furrows her eyebrows, "You're not?"
Miss Minatozaki shakes her head, "Nope."
"Why not?"
"Do you want me to?"
Haewon crosses her arm in defiance and slouches back into the chair. "You must be thinking it at least," she grumbles.
Miss Minzatozaki exhales in some sort of amusement and leans forward to speak again.
"Haewon. I promise you, I am not thinking about that."
The student goes silent again. She feels a bit like a child pouting in front of an adult like this. She… she's not sure what she feels, though she can rule things out like 'good', or 'okay' even. She feels a bit like TV static, buzzy, permanently glitchy, shaking, even.
"I've been in your shoes before."
Haewon looks up to the guidance counselor, her face painted with confusion, asking a question without using any words.
"Let's just say, my father and your mother are the kinds of people cut from the same cloth," the teachers sighs and looks down at the keyboard on her desk, "Before he passed, I thought if I could just go see him, maybe he'd feel guilt. Maybe he'd apologize for everything and for the first and last time in his life… be a father I could redeem…"
Haewon watches as Miss Minatozaki looks off, beyond Haewon, beyond the walls of her office, to somewhere far, far away.
Haewon shyly asks, "Did he?" and immediately feels foolish as she watches her guidance counselor shake her head no again.
"By the time I arrived at the hospital, he was too far again. Alive, but barely. He was completely gone. Couldn't speak. Could hardly even register a hand waving right in front of his face." She recalls solemnly.
"But, with some possibility, the nurse whispered to him, 'your daughter is here. Sana is here.' I remember seeing his hand twitch.He flatlined shortly after that."
Haewon slouches as she feels small and awkward, yet notices a the other standing up and moving. She watches the guidance counselor walk over to the water machine and pulls two plastic cups from its side, filling them both with the cold water supplied by its mechanism. Miss Minatozaki walks and sits one on her desk before coming around and offering the other cup to Haewon.
She takes it and immediately drinks, barely realizing how she gulped down her original cup. It didn't occur to her how dehydrated she was.
"Haewon, I don't say all this because I think you are a carbon copy of me," she says and takes a sip of her water, "I say this because life is difficult. We all make difficult choices, even if they feel easy in the moment."
"The reality is people are deeply complex, and troubled. And if your gut is telling you that what you don't need in your life is one last visit with your mother, then I say, your gut has been with you a lot longer than I have. I want to honor your feelings and your choices."
The student isn't quite sure what to say to that, so she just takes another perfunctory sip.
The bell rings signifying the next period and Miss Minatozaki looks down at her watch.
"If you need anything at all, don't hesitate to come here. I understand how you feel. You might feel as though this won't phase you, because of all the anger, of all the things you hold from your mother. You might be. But you also, might not be. At any rate, if there's anything you need to talk—"
"I won't." Haewon says curtly, cutting off the teacher once again.
Miss Minatozaki nods and gives a polite smile, "Of course. Well then, Miss Oh, I will be seeing you during for our regular scheduled session soon. Please take care."
The student shoots up from her seat and grabs her backpack at record speed. She doesn't even think to say thank you to the guidance counselor. Her body just has to move. The door opens to an empty hallway, and Haewon deduces she is probably going to be late to class. But how could she go when her head is spinning? She decides to run to class, hoping that maybe the movement would her run this awful feeling out of her body. Her head hurts, it's pounding as the words drill into her skull, my mom is dying, my mom is dying, my mom is dying.
All week, Haewon had been looking forward to Friday afternoon when the town's biggest farmer's market was to take place.
She had been a few times prior to living with Halmeoni. She remembers the sweet and savory smells of all the baked goods at the different stands. She loved waltzing through the produce tents as the misters lightly showered the vegetables with water. Never did she expect to get so full off of samples.
She was going to experience it again, and this time with a good bit of money.
Haewon has saved up her allowance she has been getting from Halmeoni for some chores around the home. She also has acquired some other income from doing the favors around town. (It helps when a lot of your neighbors are old). She's mowed lawns, shoveled sidewalks, deadheaded tulips, walked dogs, and caught chickens who've escaped the coop for her elderly friends.
It has helps that in the custody battle, one of the stipulations was that her mother had to give Haewon some of her money. (This looked like money coming in from some government needs-based programs she had got since, in fact, her mother has no job or skills and only makes money during a successful drug run.)
Haewon skipped ahead of Halmeoni, delighted to be alive. She wanted to buy the cinnamon churros she had heard about from other kids at school, the strawberry basil soda made by the Lee family, a basket full of peaches (so she could convince Halmeoni to make cobbler), and hopefully with enough money leftover, she could go to the homemade jewlery stand and find a pair of earrings.
At some point in the day, a woman harshly runs into Haewon and Haewon goes to feel her pocket and the money she had folded up in a rubber band is gone. She makes no mistake wondering who took it and she books it after the woman. When she finally catches up and the woman faces her, she recognizes it as none other than her mother's partner in crime, a woman named Song Seorin.
She's seen this face plenty of times before. Like when Haewon's mother would drag her into her bedroom while Seorin and other addicts would come into their home. She's watched her mother and Seorin be completely shitfaced in the streets in broad daylight. Seorin always gave her the judgmental up down look, probably thinking to herself she can't believe her mother has to worry about taking care of someone like Haewon.
She hates that woman's guts.
"What the hell are you doing here?"
"Aww, is that any way to talk to your aunt?"
"You're not my fucking family, Seorin. Give me my money back." She reaches forward. Seorin smacks her hand.
"No way. The way your mother and I see it, this is a down payment for all the money you owe her."
Haewon lunged again for her wallet. Seorin took a step back and Haewon tripped.
"Pathetic. Just as your mom always describes ya."
Haewon had enough. She reached out and tackled Seorin ot the ground. They wrestled around in the dirt for a while. At some point, a crowed gathers. Someone in the aduicence calls the cops.
Haewon remembers being cuffed on the ground. Her grandmother standing before her talking to the police.
She remembers sitting in the room at Halmeoni's for the last time. Her things packed. Lucky sitting on the bed next to her, unsure of why Haewon was so upset.
"This is for the best dear. This can be your way out." her grandmother tried to reassure her, setting a cup of tea down on the nightstand.
No, she thought to herself. This was supposed to be her way out. Here, with Halmeoni, and Lucky, and Miss Dae, and the Son's next door. Here, with the big strong trees in the back yard, and the garden with basil, and thyme, and squash, and tomatoes. With her own room with the ginggham sheets that always smelt like fresh linen. No matter how hard she tried, her argument wasn't convincing enough to the police. That she had been good. That this wasn't her fault. That she'll never fight again a long as she can stay here and live with her grandmother.
It was a futile argument.
Somehow, Haewon's feet carry her to where she's supposed to be after all, art class. She wonders if all the staff have been told of her… situation. To tread lightly so she won't blow up. Her art teacher didn't even comment as she was the last to enter the room and sit down.
Haewon is far away, somewhere between thinking about everything, thinking about nothing. She feels a light elbow against her arm. She feels like part of her has been resurrected.
The girl who sits next to her in art class, the senior with the bright blonde hair and Australian accent. Lily Morrow. The kindest girl in the whole school. The one person here who makes Haewon feel human again.
The girl smiles, bright like the sun.
"Hi Haewonnie! What do you think we’ll make today?”