Chapter Text
Logan wishes he could run after her.
He wishes his body and his brain would work in tandem, spurring him out of bed, down the stairs, and carrying him across campus as fast as his legs can handle. He wishes he could catch her, breathless from the exertion, and tell her that he loves her too, because of course he does. He wishes he could pull her close, kissing her in a way that would erase any fear and doubt he may have planted in her mind as a result of his own damage, from now until forever.
Instead, Logan sits silently, frozen in place and watches her leave.
All things considered, Grace has been remarkably understanding and patient about the whole situation. He gets the sense that the things he said really did break her heart, just as much as believing them shattered his, which is just further proof that she is way, way, too good for him and for the utter shitshow his life is becoming.
Blowing out a heavy breath, Logan looks around his bedroom. It’s nothing fancy - all four rooms are pretty well identical in terms of size and layout, but it’s his. Over the past three years, it’s gradually transformed from an empty space with nothing but a bed frame and a dresser to somewhere with a real lived-in kind of vibe. The navy duvet that is currently balled up around him had been a Christmas gift from Dean their sophomore year after his friend had been legitimately horrified to learn Logan was sleeping on bedding from Target (seriously dude, have you never heard of nice linens? This is going to change your life.). The guitar in the corner is one of the only things he brought with him when he moved in, and the two framed photos on his wall; one of the guys and Jules sitting in a booth at Malone’s together, and one of him and Grace with their arms around each other beaming at the camera, truly make it feel like home.
The hockey house was always temporary. Logan knew these days, and this place, would vanish into memory after graduation—but the idea of leaving it feels a hell of a lot harder now that he knows what he’ll be leaving it for.
He’d dared to allow himself to dream about him and Grace finding a little apartment, just the two of them, after he finished school. For all his fears, she's adamant that she’s not leaving him, and that they’ll make this work, but the idea of a future together in Logan’s childhood bedroom just doesn’t feel the same.
It’s not just the big stuff like hockey that he’s giving up. These smaller ones hurt too.
Pretty much everything he’s hoped for and dreamed about is changing, most of it being unwillingly left behind. Despite the heartbreak and grief that’s still causing, and the fact he is painfully aware he dropped the ball on how he reacted to her profession of love, Grace had been so insistent about how she feels and what she wants with him that there’s the tiniest part of Logan that is starting to believe maybe, just maybe, losing her doesn’t have to happen after all.
The idea that they could actually make this work forever still feels like a longshot, but hell, maybe Logan’s perception is skewed. Even at their very best, before addiction and divorce and bitterness won out, his parents had never felt the type of way about each other that Grace feels about him. The type of way -– even if he hadn’t been able to say it out loud -– Logan knows he feels about her. Maybe sometimes love really is enough…if it’s with the right person.
The one thing Logan is absolutely certain of, is that Grace is the right person.
She’d told him, promised him in fact, that when he was ready, she’d still be here. Grace isn’t someone who makes promises lightly, and Logan trusts her more than he’s ever trusted anyone. He’s terrified he’s screwed this up, but still somehow believes she’ll be waiting. It doesn’t do anything to make him any less ashamed of how poorly he’s handled their conversation tonight.
His door creaks open, and Logan’s eyes dart up just as fast as his heart rate spikes, hoping, albeit irrationally, that maybe Grace came back after all. Instead, it’s Garrett’s head and shoulders that peek through, with Tucker’s beneath them.
Rolling his eyes, Logan sighs and motions with his hand. “Come in. You’re going to regardless.”
That’s all the permission his friends need to clamour into his room, Garrett flopping horizontally at the foot of his bed while Tucker perches beside Logan among the pillows. Raising an eyebrow, Garrett asks, “So, are you going to tell us what happened, or are you going to make us guess?”
“Guessing could be fun,” Tucker muses, “like Jeopardy, but with questions about Logan. I’ll take ‘is Grace pissed at him’ for 200, G.”
Garrett has the good grace to smother what Logan knows is a laugh into a poorly disguised cough, as Logan widens his hands in disbelief. “Seriously, Tuck?”
“I’m just sayin’, we’ve played worse games. I’m pretty sure our ‘Dean’s Hookup Bingo’ was way more unethical.”
He says it so matter of factly with that ever present warmth in his eyes, that Logan can’t help but grin himself, shaking his head. “No, Grace isn’t pissed at me. I don’t think, anyway. She probably should be, but I don’t think she is.”
“So then what?” Garrett questions. “Cause you look like hell, she left looking upset, and you didn’t go after her. Plus you’ve been weird since last night. Did you fuck up dinner with her dad somehow?”
The weight of the last twenty four hours comes crashing back down, and Logan shakes his head, avoiding both their eyes. “I actually didn’t even go to dinner last night.”
Tucker’s shocked inhale would be comical, if the whole thing didn’t suck so much. He sounds almost nervous to know the answer as he asks, “um, why? That’s not good, bro.”
“Inclined to agree with Tuck here,” Garrett informs him. “What the hell, man. Why didn’t you go?”
They’re his two best friends in the world, both incredibly aware of his family history, and yet even with them the words stick uncomfortably in Logan’s throat, shame washing over him. “I found my mom, drunk.”
Immediately, the vibe in the room shifts. Tucker’s entire demeanor flips from lighthearted to serious on a dime, and Garrett rolls over, propping himself up on his elbow and muttering “shit, Logan.”
“I couldn’t leave, obviously, so I cleaned her up, I got her to bed, but…” He trails off, shrugging, and Tuck’s voice is incredibly gentle as he finishes Logan’s sentence. “By then it was too late.”
“Yeah.”
Garrett’s shoulders stiffen in what Logan can pinpoint immediately as protective defensiveness over him, “Grace wasn’t angry with you, was she? Cause that’d be really fucked up.”
“Not even a little,” Logan admits. “She was actually kind of incredible about it all. It was me. I freaked out a bit, said some things that probably weren’t very fair.”
“You were struggling. I’m sure she gets that.”
She does, that’s the thing, but now that his emotions have started to settle ever so slightly and he’s reentering a more rational frame of mind, Logan is painfully aware of just how deeply he could have hurt her. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he groans. “I might’ve said she was going to wake up one day and leave me.”
“Dude,” Tucker breathes. Garrett on the other hand looks shockingly unphased. “Well, that wasn’t great. Honestly though, you could’ve said way worse. I mean look, I broke up with Hannah over a misunderstanding because I was so screwed up.” Narrowing his eyes he follows up with, “You didn’t break up with Grace, did you?”
Logan scoffs. “I’m fucked up, G. Not stupid.”
“Just making sure.”
“She said she loves me,” Logan confesses. “I said awful, hurtful things because I was so messed up by everything with my mom last night. And what it means for me, for us. All she did was try to make me feel better, promise she isn’t going anywhere, and tell me she loves me.”
Tucker whistles. “You’ve got a pretty amazing girlfriend. You said it back, right?”
Logan grimaces, and Garrett shakes his head. “He didn’t. That’s why he’s up here looking sorry for himself, and Grace seemed all sad when she came down and said goodbye. How am I doing, Logan?”
“Annoyingly accurate.”
“You do love her though,” Tucker insists, and Logan nods. “Obviously.”
“It might not be obvious to her,” Garrett points out, and once again he’s so frustratingly correct that it would be infuriating coming from anyone else. Rubbing his temples, Logan sighs. “That’s what I’m afraid of.”
“So…why didn’t you tell her?” Tucker asks, but it’s full of genuine curiosity as opposed to judgment.
“I wanted to,” Logan says. “Fuck, even now I wanna run to her like some stupid romcom. I just…couldn’t. The words wouldn’t come. Grace said I was hurting too much, but hell if I know.”
“Smart girl,” Garrett says.
“I’m worried I’ve fucked this all up. She could look past my freak out, which is impressive as hell honestly, but…what if by leaving her hanging, I ruined it? You said she looked upset. I don’t blame her.”
“Logan,” Tucker says slowly, as if he’s talking to a child, “did she say that you messed things up? Did she even imply it?”
“No,” Logan concedes. “She said she’d still be here when stuff felt a bit easier, and that she loves me,” he pauses before the next part, knowing his friend's sympathy for his situation is about to evaporate, replaced with amusement. “…even when I’m being a stupid, stubborn jackass.”
Laughter bursts from both Garrett and Tucker at that, and he swears Garrett wipes actual tears from his eyes as he wheezes, “man, I knew I liked Grace.”
“Asshole,” Logan informs him, but there’s no heat behind it.
Straightening up, Garrett gets serious. “I really don’t think you messed it up, man. But you seem a little calmer, and if you love her as much as I think you do, as much as you say you do…you should tell her. Sooner rather than later.”
Tucker points a finger at Garrett, nodding. “Agreed. Grace is awesome, bro. We all love her, and, not to get sappy, but she makes you the happiest I’ve ever seen.”
Glancing at Garrett, Logan asks, “When did Tuck become such a romantic?”
He’s rewarded with Tucker flipping him the bird, and for the first time since walking into his mom’s place, life feels almost normal again.
Almost.
There’s one more thing he has to fix first.
—
On Monday evenings, Grace works at the radio station helping run everything behind the scenes for the campus advice program, whatcha need, where two students who Logan (semi affectionately) often refers to as Tweedledee and Tweedledumb field phone calls and offer solutions for situations their college mates find themselves in.
This is both excellent and terrible news for his current predicament.
Excellent, because Logan is formulating a plan in his mind that he’s pretty sure is in the running for the greatest thing he’s ever thought of, and terrible because in order to orchestrate the aforementioned plan, he’s going to have to involve Jules.
That in itself isn’t inherently terrible. For all the shit they give each other, him and Jules are actually incredibly close, but he also knows he’s handing them ammunition to tease him with for the next twenty years on a silver platter.
It’s worth it though, because Grace is worth everything.
He hadn’t filled Garrett and Tucker in on his plan, they can find out every last detail from Jules tonight, ideally once Logan has a couple of drinks in his system to be able to live down the embarrassment, but they’d clapped him on the shoulder anyways and wished him well.
Garrett especially had been remarkably sincere as he reassured him, You’ve got this, man. Just be honest, tell her how you feel.
Hopping into his truck, Logan calls Jules. He hasn’t talked to his sibling since their brief phone call last night, and he’s half expecting to get an earful from them about not letting them know if he was okay. He’s not expecting them to answer with an audibly annoyed, “What the hell did you do, John?”
Turning over the ignition he sighs. “I’m going to need some more context, please.”
“Grace is here, and her eyes are all red and puffy. She says she’s fine, but I know her, and that’s pretty far from fine. I asked her to check on you earlier, so putting two and two together…what the hell did you do? If you broke her heart again I will kill you. Garrett will help me hide the body.”
Shit, he made her cry.
Somehow that knowledge makes him feel worse than anything else from the last day.
“I’m waiting,” Jules prompts, and Logan groans. “Look, it’s a long story. I’ll tell you about it later, I promise, but right now I need your help to fix it. Can you do that for me?”
“That depends,” Jules tells him, then immediately caves. “I’m kidding. Of course I can, what do you need?”
Butterflies flutter in Logan’s stomach. This is new territory for him, and yet as nervous as he is, he’s also ready. Very ready. “I’m going to put a call into the radio station, pretty much as soon as I hang up with you. I’m about three minutes away from the building. Can you just make sure Grace can hear both sides of the conversation?”
“What exactly are you doing?” Jules asks, voice laced with suspicion.
Hands trembling, Logan turns onto the last street before the station. “It’ll all make sense in a minute. Please, Jules?”
He can’t see them, but can envision their exasperated eye roll intended for him and him alone. “Grace will be patched in, I’ve got you,” they assure him, and Logan’s chest fills with gratitude.
“You’re the best.”
“I know,” Jules says smugly, and Logan snorts. “I’m hanging up now.”
Uncharacteristically gentle, Jules replies, “good luck, John.”
It’s the final burst of motivation and resolve he needs to dial the station as he pulls into the parking lot.
“Hello and thank you for calling!” a cheery voice comes over the line, “you’ve reached whatcha need, so…what do you need?”
Logan’s hands are sweaty as he pulls open the door to the building. Clearing his throat, he begins. “I uh, I’m worried I've messed things up with my girlfriend.”
“Oooh, girl trouble. I can relate, man. What seems to be the issue?”
“I didn’t tell her something when I should have,” Logan confesses, “I was scared, and I was having a bad day, and I let it get to me.”
“Keeping secrets,” the host, Pace, Logan is pretty sure, says with a tsk. “Never good.”
Climbing the final flight of stairs, Logan continues. “She’s amazing. She’s funny, and gorgeous, more patient with me than I really deserve. Brilliant, and a little bit weird in the best way.”
“Sounds like quite a catch,” Pace’s cohost chimes in, “anyone we know?”
Logan pushes open the door to the studio, phone against his ear, and feels his heart quite literally skip a beat as he catches sight of Grace, sitting beside Jules, headphones over her ears and hand pressed against her mouth as she listens in. “Yeah, actually,” Logan admits. “I’m talking about Grace. Grace Elizabeth Ivers. The woman that I love.”
There’s a lot of chattering happening on the other end of the call, but Logan isn’t listening anymore. Jules nudges Grace, pointing towards the doorway with a knowing smile, and as she turns to look at him, Logan lets his phone drop to his side. Heart in his throat, breathless with nerves, he manages a soft, “hi.”
Grace is across the room in an instant, standing in front of him, eyes shining with emotion, “hi yourself.”
“I’m sorry for earlier,” Logan says, and Grace shakes her head. “It’s okay. You were hurting.”
“I’m still hurting,” he tells her, “it doesn’t make it okay. But I meant what I said on that call, gorgeous. Look, the future isn’t easy. I don’t know how to live it and feel okay, and I’m scared as hell about it, but you…you are the best and safest place I have, Grace. You’re the first person I think about when I open my eyes, and the last person I think about before I fall asleep. You’re it for me, baby.”
Grace’s breath is shaky as she steps even closer until mere inches separate them. Tilting her head she asks, “Well then, are you going to shut up and kiss me?”
Logan doesn’t need to be told twice. One hand reaches around her, finding the small of her back and pulling her body snugly against his own. The other softly cups her jaw, his fingers in her hair, and as their lips meet…it’s nothing short of magic.
It’s always magic when they’re together.
The kiss deepens, right there in the middle of the recording studio, but as far as Logan is concerned the rest of the world has melted away. The only thing that matters is right here in his arms.
The future is terrifying. As perfectly wonderful as this moment is, Logan knows there’s a lot of questions to answer and conversations that still need to be had. It’s not the kind of thing he can fix overnight.
It’s a hell of a lot less overwhelming, though, to know that as he does face it, as he does come to terms with things beyond his control—he’ll be doing it hand in hand with Grace.
Forever.
She’s the light of his life, and the love of his life.
Pulling away for air, Logan presses his forehead against Grace’s and murmurs, “I love you, gorgeous.”
Eyes still closed, Grace’s hands find his cheeks as she whispers back, “I love you too, Johnny.”