Chapter Text
Over the next two weeks of practice, Ilya watched Shane closely. If you didn't know him as well as Ilya did, you wouldn't notice that anything was wrong with him.
But Ilya saw the hunched shoulders in the locker room, the tense look in his eyes whenever something didn't go exactly as it should. It wasn't a problem as long as Shane was on the ice himself. He was skating as incredible as he always had and had impressed everyone around him. The chemistry between him and Haas and Young only got better and they were well on their way to become a lethal asset to the team.
No, the tense moments occured in the moments between, either while interacting with their teammates or while talking to a coach. And Ilya didn't know what to do or even how to fix it. He was trying to make every situation as easy as possible but he couldn't always be with Shane and Shane wouldn't want that anyway. He was still his own person and didn't want Ilya to babysit him.
Ilya was currently sitting in his stall, waiting for Shane to finish his shower after morning practice. Even if they had talked about it, Shane was still a little hesitant about being in the shower with him at the same time even though nobody has said anything to him about it.
Ilya had seen a few bewildered looks on some of his teammates faces but nobody dared to say anything. They probably thought that Shane had a specific routine he needed to do after being on the ice.
"Hey man" Bood sat down beside him in Shanes empty stall.
"Hey, what's up?" Ilya asked.
"I wanted to ask you that, actually. Is everything okay with Shane?" Bood asked and Ilya raised his eyebrow.
"Why do you ask that?" He crossed his arms defensively and Bood held up his hands in defeat.
"It's not bad, I don't think anybody else really noticed, calm down. I just wanted to ask if there was something me or the team could do. I don't think he's completely himself here yet, that's all."
Ilya sighed. "I know. He's holding back. I also want to talk to him about it but I don't really know what to say."
"Would it help if I talked to him?" Bood asked. "Maybe he'll believe it if it's coming from a teammate that's not his husband" he gave Ilya a pointed look and Ilya shrugged.
"Could be worth a try. I don't know. I think he just needs a little time to get used to everything. It's a lot more different here than in Montreal."
"Yeah, I can imagine. But we're all very happy that he's here and want him to be happy with us too, you know?"
Ilya smiled. "I know, Bood. I'll talk to him and let you know, okay? Thanks."
"Of course, Roz. Always."
Bood stood up and left right as Shane appeared with a towel around his waist.
He quickly got dressed and they made their way home.
Ilya took Anya out for a walk while Shane prepared a little lunch and they sat down at their kitchen isle.
"How was practice today?" Ilya asked and Shane laughed.
"You were there. You tell me."
"But I want to know what you think" Ilya whined playfully and Shane smiled.
"It was good, I think. Haas and Young are working very hard to keep up with me and I appreciate it a lot. They're great players."
"I know that. You will be the first line if you keep improving like that" Ilya meant it as a joke but Shane shook his head vehemently.
"I'm not going to take the first line from you, Ilya. I wouldn't do that to you."
"Relax, Shane, it was just joke. It's a coaching decision anyway. Let them deal with the logistics of having two superstars on one team. It's like a luxury problem, I think."
Shane nodded.
"I actually wanted to talk to you about practice."
Shane narrowed his eyes at him. "About what exactly?"
"I don't know how to say it without you getting mad" Ilya admitted and Shane breathed out slowly. "Please let me try to explain before you get mad?"
"I can do that" Shane nodded.
"I love you" Ilya said.
"I love you too" Shane replied and Ilya took his hand in his own.
"Okay, so. I know that you settled in okay and that you like the team. And the team really likes you too. And the coaches are all in awe of you. Like they all can't believe they get to see you on the ice every day."
"Ilya, where is this going?" Shane was blushing.
He was so cute.
"I noticed that you were still tense in a lot of situations. And the shower thing makes you uncomfortable. And I thought maybe it would go away with some time but I waited two weeks and although skating is good, the rest is still not completely you. You hold yourself back. I see how you want to give advice when you see how somebody could improve, but you don't because you're worried you're overstepping. And I hoped that after a while, you would see that you worried for nothing but it makes me sad to see you hold back so much of you for the sake of the team. If we make anyone uncomfortable, that is their problem and they can request a trade, I don't care. I am living my dream right now and I hope it is the same for you. Just... I don't know how to help you."
Shane is silent for a few seconds. "Do you think anybody else noticed that something was off with me?"
Ilya shrugged. "Bood asked me if everything was okay today. I don't know about the others. Maybe the shower thing. But I am not sure."
Shane breathed out loudly and weakly added "I'm sorry."
"No sorrys. There isn't anything you need to apologize for. I just want to understand what's going on with you and how I can help to make it better. Please."
"I don't even really know. I'm just having a hard time with all the adjustments. Montreal was so different with everything. I know now that you're right when you told me that these guys are great and the coaches and everything really is good here, I just need some more time to really believe it, I think. Like, in my brain, I know it, but my body still expects something different, you know? But I really like it here. I love living with you and playing with you and seeing you every day. I love our life now, I promise."
He huffs out a weary laugh. "I will try to get better about the shower thing. I don't know what's wrong with me."
"There is nothing wrong with you" Ilya promptly replied. "You just had some bad things happening to you and you're trying to get past it. Can I ask something else?"
"Of course" Shane squeezed his hand.
"Have you ever thought about also going to therapy?"
Shane looked at him and, to Ilyas surprise, nodded slightly.
"You have?"
"Yeah. I mean, how could I not? You've been going for a while now and a lot of things have happened since then. Even if it was just to be a better partner to you, I would try. I know that I'm not great with change and these last few weeks kinda confirmed that again. So maybe it's not the worst idea. But I don't really know where to start. And it's kind of scary to talk to a complete stranger all about yourself when you hid for so long."
Ilya nodded. "I know. Would be worth a try though, I think. And I can help you find someone."
They smiled at each other.
"I'd like that. Thank you."
"Everything will be fine, yes? You're so brave, Shane. I know you can do anything."
"Shut up" Shane mumbled and Ilya laughed quietly.
"I'm telling the truth!"
"Love you" Shane said and moved closer that he could give Ilya a kiss.
"Enough to clean up the kitchen?"
"No. It's your turn."
"You're so mean to me, Hollander."
Shane just snorted in response. He made his way to leave the kitchen but Ilya grabbed his hand to hold him back.
"Hey. I love you too."
Shane smiled at him softly. "I know."
*
After about a week, Shane summoned the courage to go to Coach Wiebe after they were done with drills.
"Hey Coach? I would like to talk to you after practice is done, if that's okay."
Wiebe looked surprised but quickly schooled his expression. "Of course. Just come by my office when you're ready."
"Thanks Coach."
Ilya watched from a few steps away, heart swelling in his chest when Shane skated towards him.
"Are you okay to wait for me? I can get a cab back, if not."
"Of course I am. I'll wait in the car."
"Thanks" Shane smiled.
After showering, they parted ways as Ilya went outside and Shane made his way upstairs to the Coaches office. The door was open and Wiebe waved him in immediately. Shane closed the door behind him and sat down opposite to Wiebe.
"So Shane, what can I do for you?"
"I wanted to apologize for any weird situations in these past few weeks. I'm not sure you got exactly what you signed up or hoped for, so I just wanted to get that out there."
"There is no need to apologize, Shane. You're an exceptional player and we are very happy to have you on the team. A lot of players need some time to adjust to a new team, that's not unsusual."
"Yeah, I know. I just felt like I've been having more problems than others would have, maybe. Not on the ice, exactly, but otherwise. You know, Montreal had a completely different locker room culture but I only really noticed it when I came here, so that surprised me a bit. It still does, honestly." He laughed a bit.
"How do you feel now, with everything?"
"Well, I had a talk with Ilya and since then, it's been better. I like the team and the staff, the atmosphere is really great here. This year just has been hard for me and I think my body still hasn't really gotten the message that I can relax and be myself now. But I'm trying."
"I see that, I really do. You've already come so far in the short time that you've been here. Shane, I can only imagine what terrible things you had to go through and I'm so sorry for that. But the Centaurs are a family. We support each other and we stand up for each other. So if you ever need anything, or want anything, we're here for you, alright? This is your home and we want you to be comfortable here. There will probably be some difficult situations this season with the media but just know that we got your back. The department of communications is prepared for every situation you can think of. You're safe here."
Shane swallowed thickly and nodded. "Thank you. That means a lot to me. To Ilya too."
Wiebe smiled at him. "You're welcome."
"I actually wanted to talk to you about something else..."
*
The next day, Ilya sat on the bench after practice, watching while Shane stood on the ice with Haas and Young, explaining a way to improve their backhand shots.
"So that's why Shane wanted to talk to Wiebe. Additional practice with the rookies" Bood commented as he sat down next to Ilya.
"Part of it, yes" Ilya replied, his eyes staying on Shane the entire time.
"Everything okay?" Bood asked and Ilya nodded.
"It will be. He's doing a bit better already."
"I'm glad." Bood nudged him until Ilya looked at him and raised his eyebrow.
"What?"
"It's just good to see you so happy. So in love. It suits you."
Ilya turned his eyes back on Shane.
"Sometimes, I still can't really believe it. I wake up at night and think it was all a dream but then he's there next to me."
"I'm happy for you, brother."
Ilya smiled. "I'm happy too, Bood. So happy."
Shane chose that second to look at them and Ilya blew him a kiss. Shane rolled his eyes but Ilya could see that he was blushing.
Some things never changed.