Chapter Text
It's been about a week since Ray and Frank had their little talk. Since then, they've settled into a routine; frequent cuddling during the day, with the occasional sleep cuddling thrown into the mix, and Ray's never been more happy, even if there's that nagging voice telling him that all of this is wrong, that he doesn't deserve any of this. Still, he's starting to feel a little less on edge about all of this; more comfortable now that he knows this is what Frank wants, what they both want, but he's still struggling to mask his infinitely growing affection for him. He wonders if Frank's started to notice. He wonders if he feels the same, then desperately tries to push that thought out of his brain. All he is a means to an end. Frank likes cuddling, Ray likes to cuddle, so it was only fair that they'd mutually agree to be each others' cuddle buddy. They're friends, who cuddle, like friends do. Friend cuddling. It doesn't stop him from wanting it to be more than that, but he'll just have to suck it up and accept that nothing can or will ever happen between them.
Well, here's hoping.
-
If you ask Frank, he'd say waking up next to the Raymond Toro is a dream come true. He's felt the absence of warmth for way too long and often gets irritable without someone to crawl up next to. He's grateful that Ray's willing to compensate for that, especially grateful that it's him out of all people. Toro's a pretty awesome guy, Frank thinks, so awesome that every time he wraps his arms around Frank he has to resist the urge to kiss him until they both start breathing funny. And Frank considers himself to be pretty impulsive, so he's being honest, the only thing stopping him from doing that is the fear of crossing a line and messing everything up with Ray more than he wants to take action on any of his impulses, so he restrains himself as much as he possibly can, but there's always the occasional slip-up.
Frank isn't one for that macho bullshit that tells you dudes can't be affectionate with their dude friends either, which is the excuse he'll fall back on when he's ever questioned about why he cuddles with Toro so much because it's plausible. He jokingly flirts with his friends all the time because they're friends and it's really all good fun, but there's a difference between Ray and all his other friends, that being the flirting is very much real. He's not exactly being subtle with it either, and he knows Ray isn't stupid, but he can be pretty clueless. Frank thinks that's perfectly fine, though. He'll just have to up his game if he wants Ray to take the hint. Maybe he'll have to start wearing a shirt around that reads 'I'm really into curly-haired dudes who play guitar and like Transformers' or something adjacent. After all, it's nice to see Ray get all squirmy and red in the face when Frank messes with him, but it's not like he's trying to actually make fun of Ray. They both know that's just the type of person Frank is. After all, jokes are his love language. He doesn't want Ray to be genuinely uncomfortable, he does it within reason. He's not an asshole.
Like right now, they're sitting on the couch together, Ray's face buried in his hands, elbows on his thighs. Frank's giggling at how even when he's trying to make himself smaller, he's ridiculously bigger than Frank (he pointedly chooses not to dwell on that thought).
"Oh, come on, dude," he teases, trying to pry Ray's hands away from his face, but they won't budge. "It's nothing to be embarrassed about. Everyone knows you've got a–"
"Frank, shut up!" Ray squeaks before Frank can finish his sentence, voice going up in pitch and even without the ability to see his face Frank knows he's flushed about twenty shades darker. "Please stop talking for, like, ever. I never wanna hear another word from your mouth."
"I know you don't mean that," Frank purrs, making Ray sit back against the couch, arms thrown over his face in exasperation.
"No, I don't. That's the worst part," he groans in despair, sighing dramatically. He drops his arms down to face Frank, who's got a lazy smirk on his face. "I think.. I think I'm gonna head to the bunks. 'M kinda tired."
"Alright, Toro," he says obliviously, fully expecting Ray to just get up and leave, so he's surprised when he doesn't move an inch. He just sits there, brows furrowed in quiet contemplation. Frank's got a feeling he knows what Ray's about to ask, and he can’t help the jolt of excitement that courses through his veins.
"I was.. Did you.. Like, wanna join me or whatever? I just.. Nevermind, sorry, forget I asked," he mumbles sheepishly, scratching the back of his neck. He gets off the couch and quickly tries to make his way to the bunks, but he doesn't make it far when Frank's hand latches onto his wrist, pulling him back.
"Hey, dude, don't be sorry, it's fine. You wanna cuddle?" Frank asks a little too quickly, but he knows how Ray can get sometimes, especially now that he's aware of the reason as to why that is, so when he nods with little hesitation and a blush creeping up to his face, he's not surprised. Like Ray said, it grounds him. He gets all anxious and fidgety sometimes and seeks physical contact to ease himself, Frank's just being a good friend and helping him out. Even if he, hypothetically, wasn't freaking out about anything, he wouldn't mind a little platonic cuddling. Just because they can and it's something they usually do anyway. It's completely normal to snuggle with your guy friend you may or may not be romantically and sexually attracted to.
"..Do you want to?" Ray's voice is small, tinny, like his mouth is full of cotton or he's just learned how to speak. "You don't have to.. I can just hug my pillow or something," he laughs, but Frank isn't finding any of this humorous. His features have gone unusually soft, and Ray can see a glint in his hazel eyes when Frank looks up at him with a small pout.
" 'Course I want to, Ray. Why wouldn't I?" He half-whispers, finally getting up from his spot on the couch to drag Ray along to his own bunk. When they get there, however, Ray doesn't immediately climb in. Instead, he stands with his hands wrung together, heels dug into the ground. His eyes are darting around the room, like everything has suddenly become much more interesting than what's right in front of him.
"What's up?" Frank asks, but Ray doesn't respond. He's staring down at the floor like he's trying to bore holes through it. Frank decides to do what his gut's telling him, and shoves himself into the bunk, pulling Ray down with him. Ray yelps in surprise when he almost hits his head on the ceiling of the bunk, and Frank can't stop the surprise giggle bubbling up from his throat.
"So, what's on your mind today? Just another one of those days?" Frank tries as soon as his giggling ceases. Still no response. Ray just shifts where he's laid next to Frank, creating an almost painful distance between them. He wants to pull Ray closer, to cling to his warm body the way a baby clings to its mother and lay here with him for the rest of his life. He doesn’t move.
"No, It's.. it's nothing, really. Just thinking about some stuff," Ray says, picking at what appears to be a hangnail. Frank tries not to make a face as Ray continues. "I'm not really.. I've been fine. Better. It's just – it's nothing. I'm getting in my own head again. Sorry."
"Y'don't need to apologize. I'm worried about you, though. Are you sure you still wanna do this?" Once the words leave Frank's mouth, his impulses get the best of him and he turns on his side to face Ray better, wrapping an arm around Ray's neck and pulling his body closer. He can hear the hitch in Ray's breath when they make contact. He's treading into very dangerous territory now, but there's a part of him that's fully convinced this is completely for Ray's benefit and not his own.
He's just helping Ray.
He's doing what any good friend would do.
"..I like this. The cuddling. I think I'd go insane without any of it. I think I was already driving myself insane," Ray smiles, but it never quite reaches his eyes. "And it's.. It's dumb, right? I'm s'posed to be the rock of the band or whatever, to keep everyone in check, and I dunno if I can anymore 'cause I can't even keep myself in check. Not when I keep freaking out over nothing. I shouldn't have to need someone to like, cuddle me just so I don't end up blowing my brains out or something. I feel like everyone depends on me so much and.. I'm overcomplicating things again. Sorry, you didn't ask to hear any of that."
"Toro," it's said a little more aggressively than Frank meant it to be, but it seems to grasp Ray's attention. He stares back at Frank with eyes wide and wet, tears on the verge of spilling out the corners. "Dude, come on. It's not dumb. You've got a lot of weight to carry on your shoulders that you shouldn't be responsible for. No one should count on you to solve every fuckin' problem, it's not fair to you. 'Sides, you got your own shit to sort out, why should you have to worry about everyone else's?"
"Who's gonna be there for Gee? For Mikey? For anyone?" His voice cracks at the end, strained and uneasy in a way that tells Frank he's trying to fight back tears, and it makes his stomach churn. He never likes seeing anyone sad, especially not Ray.
"All of us, what do you think? We're all in this band, we're all here for each other," Frank tells him like it's obvious, because it really should be, but Ray's been holding them all together for so long Frank thinks he's become used to it. Used to the fact that this is completely normal, Ray being the glue that makes them stick.
"I feel like I have to, though. My shit doesn't matter if the rest of the guys need theirs sorted out," he admits, ducking his head, his curls gently grazing Frank's cheek. "Everyone else comes first. I can't be selfish, Frankie." He's smiling when he says it, too. What the fuck is there to smile for?
Frank almost wants to kill him. He's so stubborn sometimes, he doesn't even realize it. "You're not being selfish. It's not selfish, Ray, you're the least selfish person I know, I don't know how you haven't realized it yet," he protests, bringing his other hand to brush the curls out of his face. "And don't even try to say this is selfish, either. I want this, you're not forcing me to do this for you, I'm doing this because I like cuddling with you," he adds pointedly, already predicting Ray's next argument. "Just let me take care of you, alright?"
"Yeah. Yeah, ok, fine. You win," he huffs, but there's no real bite to it. He shuffles closer, curling one arm around Frank's torso and the other around the back of his head. Frank gets the memo and tucks his face in the crook of Ray's neck, inhaling the scent of stale sweat and something so distinctly Ray clinging to his shirt, making him a little dizzy. "Is this ok?"
"Yeah. You're good," Frank mutters groggily, the syllables slurring, his voice is muffled from where his mouth is pressed to the fabric. "Shove me off if I move around too much," he says through a yawn, his eyes fluttering shut as he breathes in more of Ray's scent.
" 'Kay. Night, Frankie."
-
Frank wakes up to his own patch of drool wetting his cheek. The first thing he notices is he's no longer facing Ray, but it only takes him a second to relax when he feels the comforting weight of Ray's arms wrapped around his middle, forehead resting on his shoulder. He's still sleeping. Frank liked the way they were previously positioned, but he likes this a lot more. He's aware he's grinning too much for this to be anything but casual. He sighs to himself, settles deeper into Ray's hold and tries not to think about how they'll have to get up eventually, how they have to go from this to two separate people and closes his eyes again.
As soon as he's started to drift off, he feels Ray jostling beside him, his body finally coming to its senses.
"Mornin'," he mumbles, voice rough from sleep. Frank hums in response, just to let Ray know he's there with him. "Sleep well?"
"Yeah. Do you know when you started spooning me?" It's a genuine question, but there's a teasing lilt to it, a signature of Frank's. Ray's face falls, his cheeks blushing beet red.
"I'm– I didn't– I don't–" Ray stammers, desperately trying to come up with words to explain himself, eyes flitting around anxiously. Frank knows that if Ray's hands were free, he'd be scraping out the dirt under his nails or running them through his hair. It's the cutest thing.
"Relax, dude. I'm not mad," Frank reassures him, burying himself deeper in Ray's space. He's always so warm, Frank wonders how he seems to never overheat. "S'just a question."
"..Sorry. I was half asleep when I..Yeah," he clears his throat awkwardly, curling into Frank even more despite the way his pulse picks up at the proximity. "I didn't mean to."
"All good, Toro. Don't worry about it," Frank tells him, cheeks heating up as he continues. "I..I like this better. So, uhm, if you want we can.. Do it like this.. All the time.. I guess," he tries his best to convey a shrug in his current position.
"..You're serious? I mean, I wouldn't mind either, but.. Is that what you want from now on?"
"Yeah, Ray, yes. I told you, I want this. Trust me, I'd tell you if I didn't like or wasn't cool with something. And I'm definitely cool with this," he explains to Ray almost exasperatedly. "I promise."
"Sorry, I don't know why I keep doing this. I trust you, Frankie." Always will, is the part he leaves out.
"Oh, stop that. I'm not gonna be upset at you for freakin' out, it happens. I know you're just worried," Frank replies, craning his neck to get a better look at Ray, his hair tickling the back of Frank's neck.
"Still, I'll try not to freak out as much. I can't guarantee that, though," Ray clarifies with a nervous huff of laughter. "So if you were expecting less of that, don't get your hopes up."
"Whatever, Toro," Frank snorts, kicking Ray in the shin as hard as he can manage in this position. "Shut the fuck up," he mutters, but he's grinning when he does.
They stay there listening to each other's breathing until they hear the familiar sound of the other guys shuffling in their bunks, suddenly reminded of where they are. As much as they'd both like to stay back and cuddle some more, they do have things to do, places to be.
"Alright, big guy, We gotta get up now." Ray doesn't budge. Frank's words go completely ignored, but he's not necessarily complaining.
"Raaaaaay," he snickers, but doesn't make an effort to move again. "Come on," he tries again, but it hardly sounds like a protest.
"Mmmh… Don'wanna move yet. Can't we just stay here?" Frank would love for the answer to be yes, but the world is a very cruel place.
"Sure for a few minutes. We really do gotta get up soon, though." He hears Ray grumble something unintelligible at that.
When they do eventually get up, Frank finds Mikey lounging on the couch. He barely gives a glance in Frank's direction before he opens his big mouth
"Sooo.. You seem like you're in a good mood today," Mikey says as Frank flops down next to him with a contented sigh. "You finally fucked Toro or what?"
"Oh, you're one to talk, Mikeyway," Frank snaps back at him, only moderately annoyed by the younger Way. "I don't hear you getting any action, 'specially not from you know who," he deflects, trying to piss off Mikey to the point he forgets about the original topic of this conversation. "Quit being so concerned about whatever shit I've got going on."
"Oh, fuck off, dude. We practically live in each other's assholes, it's my job to care about your shit. So, did you?" Mikey asks again, and Frank is dangerously close to strangling him. Mikey smirks at his lack of an answer. Frank grits his teeth.
"Guess not. What's been taking you two so long?" He quirks a brow at Frank, glasses drooping off the bridge of his nose. "Is he not gay?"
"Hell if I know. I think he's just not taking the bait, or maybe he's just figuring shit out. I don't wanna rush him." Mikey makes a disgruntled face.
"..Right," Mikey squints at him, but he doesn't say anything else. He pushes his glasses back up and Frank almost snatches them right off of his face. "So where is he, anyway?"
"In his bunk, probably. I think he's still sleeping," Frank blurts before he can stop himself, then quietly winces to himself and fiddles with his lip ring. Mikey gives him another look before getting up to check, but Ray is nowhere to be found in his bunk, but instead in Frank's. "Real casual, Iero," he calls off with a snicker. He walks back to Frank, flicks him in the head once, then leaves the bus.
"Fuck you!" Frank shouts back as soon as he hears the door click shut.
"What was that about?" Ray emerges a second later, rubbing the sleep from his eyes with the back of his hand, hair all tangled and frazzled. Frank think he looks beautiful.
"Oh, nothing. Just Michael James sticking his nose in places it doesn't belong. Y'know the drill," he shrugs all matter-of-factly, attempting to come off as nonchalant as possible in the presence of Ray.
"I believe I do," Ray giggles, his shoulder shaking and curls bouncing every which way. The corner of his eyes are crinkled and his lips are curled into his signature bright, toothy smile like he's frolicking in a field of daisies and tulips in the sunshine. The smile that always makes Frank's heart skip a beat. He crosses over to the couch, sitting down and knocking his knees into Frank, who's smiling back at him big and wide. With only a moment of hesitation, he leans further into Frank's space, and when Frank instinctively puts an arm around him, Ray moves in closer to rest his head on Frank's shoulder instead of pulling away.
Fucked, is all Frank can think, he's utterly fucked.
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