Chapter Text
Me and Braun had gone on a date as we usually would.
He took me out to dinner after work, we drank some wine, laughed as we talked about our day, and we ate a fancy meal at a restaurant I normally wouldn’t waste money at.
It was an amazing meal.
The two of us went home to the same place, and we spent the first ten minutes in the doorway kissing and enjoying each other's presence. Braun spent each moment slowly covering my skin with small pecks as the two of us filled the empty corners of the house with laughter.
“I’ll go make us some tea-”
“Oh, won’t you stay in my arms a moment longer?” Braun had asked, tightening his grip on me.
I only laughed as I pushed his arms away and placed my coat on the rack before going to the kitchen.
“I’ll return soon, and you’ll get your cup of tea then-”
Braun flopped on his couch with his shoes still on. “I think I’ll die of loneliness by the time you return!” He said dramatically.
I tried my best to ignore his laments as I placed the kettle on the stove.
“Is my voice not good enough company for you, Braun?”
“My, perhaps if I get to look at you as well it’ll be just enough…”
I sighed as I walked to the doorway and leaned against the frame.
“Happy now?”
“Exceptionally so.”
***
The tea had gone undrank, instead I had gotten bombarded with kisses the moment I placed the cups with hot tea on the coffee table.
The kisses had slowly gone on and turned into more.
I glanced at Braun above me as I panted.
In truth, while I’d grown used to his unusually frequent displays of affection, it wasn’t always that way.
In the beginning, I used to grow tense and stop in my tracks each time he even wrapped his arms around me.
Braun was older than me by nearly 15 years, it was only natural he had more experience, but at the beginning it was something I was very insecure about.
Braun was a very affectionate man, and his love language was definitely physical contact and gift giving. It was hard to keep up sometimes, trying to be an equal partner and give as much as I was receiving was difficult in my position, so I often ended up indulging him like this if I could.
Part of me kept feeling indebted for each gift I received from Braun.
Not to mention he had once tried to buy me something I had needed and I insisted I’d prefer it be a debt, so I could pay him back.
I’ve been steadily trying to repay him. He had done a lot for me, but I couldn’t help but keep doubting him.
I talked with a couple of people I knew, and the deeper I dug, the more I found.
And yet, here I was kissing the culprit.
Was it right to be here? Doing this? With him?
I vaguely remembered a memory from long ago…
***
The cigarette smoke rose up visibly in the light of the lamp, like a snake circling its prey, like a sheer curtain covering the slight differences in glances around the room.
I was in an apartment owned by one of Braun’s ‘friends’.
It was far away from town, and I had no way to get back on my own, so I was just sitting by Braun as he spoke.
It was the first time I joined him on one of these hangouts. He had usually never asked me to come, but I insisted It’d be nice to meet his friends. Oh, how I regretted insisting.
We were sitting on black velvet couches, Braun had an arm around the backrest behind me.
I couldn’t help but sit tensed up, hoping the day would end.
The only thing I wanted was to go home, and rest. Still, I did my best to act natural and not be too visibly repulsed by the rancid smell of cigarettes burning the inside of my nose.
The conversation topics within this group of six people including me and Braun weren’t the nicest either.
Raging from sexist jokes to weirdly suggestive statements and all the way back to ‘normal’ business talk, as if the previous topics were all casual.
They didn’t even care for the one lady in the room who gave them a disappointed stare whenever they’d take another joke too far.
She seemed used to it…
“You know how it is, it’s a complicated business, you win some, you lose some!!” Braun was not silent in these conversations either.
“Right, Braun, ‘ve been meaning to ask the two of you something.”
Braun only nodded to signal the man to go ahead.
“You two’re in a relationship, yea?”
“So what?”
“Aren’t ya afraid of going back home and goin’ to jail?”
Braun laughed.
“What reason would I have to go home? I have plenty of opportunities here.”
“Don’tcha know what happened to Yu-jun? He was an author like your boy there-”
Braun scoffed.
“Don’t compare me or my lover to fools who think there’s anything to gain from taking hits in back alleys. I deal the cards, I don’t participate in the game.”
Some of the guys laughed when Braun said it.
I watched the conversations as they spoke of people and places I didn’t know.
It was awkward… and I felt uncomfortable. And with each joke made at my expense, I began to wonder if perhaps this truly is a sign of how little Braun cares about me.
“What about you, Soleum was it, what do you write about?” A man in a black vest with an open collar had asked me.
“I mostly enjoy writing fantasy stories, horror ones specifically.”
A few laughs rang out around the room.
“Guess some people smoke and some people write fantasy, huh?”
“Don’t be so harsh Haje, not like you’re literate enough to read his books are ya’?”
The woman laughed and slapped the guy with her hand that wasn’t holding a cigarette. “You bastard, you think I can’t read?”
I looked towards Braun to see him laughing along.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
“Do you really not smoke, Soleum?”
“No…”
“And you don’t wanna try…?”
“No…”
“He will eventually.” Braun answered smiling.
I sent him a questioning glare.
“Don't you know, dear, all creatives either pick up an addiction, or they go insane~”
“You sound very sure of yourself, aren’t you just giving your subconscious a reason to believe your addictions are justified?”
“Would I dare lie to you?”
“Ouh~ Troubles in paradise, ey?” The woman named Haje asked.
“None of your business.” Replied Braun coldly.
Haje only laughed.
“Dunno, Braun, the guy doesn’t even look like your type, he’s too nice, where’d you pick him up from?” She asked.
One of the guys made another joke in bad taste that I tried my hardest to ignore.
“What do you mean ‘where’? He’s always been in the back of my heart, we just hadn’t met yet.” Braun replied with a self assured smile.
“Charming are ya? but I’m serious.”
“So am I. I've been a fan of Grapes here for longer than you’ve been a journalist.”
Eun Haje tensed up before laughing manically.
“You skank, your mouth stinks of lies, every word smells of ego and pride.”
I turned my head left and right trying to figure out what was going on between the two of them, but to no avail.
“Your mouth isn’t clean either with all the curses coming out of it, now is it?”
Braun extinguished the cigarette he’d been savouring and picked up his tabacchiera and took another one out.
“If you’re that curious about my love life then perhaps it’s a sign you need to focus on your own.”
The woman only scoffed.
“Hey, Soleum, how about you come with me and leave this boorish man of yours here?”
I sputtered as I pointed towards myself. “Me?!”
“Yea you.” She said pointing her cigarette towards me.
She walked up to me and dragged me by my sleeve.
I looked back towards Braun, but he only shrugged as he watched the woman take me out of the apartment.
“...”
I felt a sense of betrayal burn away at me.
I knew Braun wouldn’t have let me go with someone who is dangerous, but the fact he really didn't care bothered me.
Not to mention how he’d been acting the entire evening.
Haje only spoke once we were out of the apartment, where I could hear the other guys continue making distasteful jokes.
“Come now, I need to go to the store to get myself a beer, I can’t stand that liquor these fancy fuckers drink.”
I almost wanted to refuse her and go back… but I didn’t want to go back. The room was stuffy, air barely breathable, and it was true their liquor tasted awful....
The people were making distasteful jokes every other dozen minutes and I came to realize:
There was nothing to gain here.
So I agreed.
“Sure.”
The woman only laughed heartily.
“Say, I’ve always been curious, how’d a kind soul like you end up dating someone like Braun?”
“...” I should’ve probably been offended on behalf of my lover, but I couldn’t help but finally understand how different the two of us were.
“We met at a party and hit it off, he was a fan of my manuscripts, and I was a fan of his show, without him I wouldn’t be a published author right now…”
“I see…The name’s Eun Haje by the way.”
I smiled.
“A journalist, correct? I’m assuming you're hoping for a scoop on the dark side of Braun’s success, aren’t you?”
Eun Haje kept walking forward as she laughed. “You look docile, but you know more than you let on, don’t you?”
“Not that it matters, does it?”
“So, I’m asking you for real now, how come you’re dating Braun?”
“...” I looked around. We were already far from the apartment, there was no one around.
“Private investigation went wrong.”
“Aha! I knew the police must’ve been on it.” Haje whispered. “So what, you actually fell for him?” Couldn’t she have whispered the second part of that too?
“...”
The woman only laughed.
“Don’t fret, I don’t judge, I’m only hoping you won’t regret it later, if the police is already on it too it means I’ve been on the right track.”
I hated that a part of me was curious to learn more, to find the truth about Braun.
“How did you know about this, it was hard enough for us to gather intel, so how can you as an individual get so much intel?”
“Connections, kid!”
A side of me was curious. It wanted to search, to doubt. To not have blind faith.
But a side of me wanted to give in and believe that Braun wouldn’t be a bad person, that everything he’s done until now was for survival. That he wasn’t proud of it, that his dealings were harmless.
It’s been a year, and with each passing day where I fall deeper in love with him, I also feel as if I fall deeper out of touch with reality.
Like a never ending tunnel. The road is dark ahead, but surely, eventually, there must be a light at the end, won’t there?
I wanted to believe in him… I did…
But I couldn’t anymore.
“Is that so?... Care to add one more to your list?...” Haje turned around to look at me wide eyed.
“A mutual information exchange. We can perhaps help each other.”
Eun Haje’s eyes lit up.
“I like you kid, you’ve got guts.” She laughed, “I’m sure you would’ve made it big without Braun’s help.”
…
I stopped for a moment. Until now I had always considered my success as something I undoubtedly couldn’t have ever reached without Braun…
“Thank you. It means a lot.” And it did.
The two of us had exchanged business cards.
In the end, Braun had come to pick me up from the side of the bridge where I had been standing with Eun Haje chatting.
It had already turned late, the sun having set an hour ago.
He looked annoyed, as if he’d expected me to just come back, as if he wasn’t the one that allowed me to be dragged by someone.
He impatiently checked his watch as I bid my farewells to Eun Haje.
***
Me and Braun had fought and we had settled that he had been in the wrong. He had apologised and made it up to me with dinner and flowers.
It was difficult to say no to him once he started acting the way he normally would have again.
But now that I had started paying attention, the things he would usually say started feeling odd.
***
That day was sunny, we had just arrived home, when Braun had pulled on my sleeve.
“I can see you’re still upset about the other night…”
I sighed.
“I’m not upset anymore.”
“You are.”
“... and if I still am? So what? I have every right to be.”
Braun pulled me closer and into his arms. I did not move or react. I was waiting to see what he would say.
“I told you you’d dislike being around them, they’re unrefined people.”
I frowned, “Then why do you still meet with them.” and pulled away.
“Oh, my dear, these people are good for when you need a favour, and they all owe me. If I don’t keep in contact with them they’ll just find a way to forget about them. You didn't seriously think I’d willingly be around such people did you?”
“... Is that so?” I didn’t quite believe that, but Braun was putting on a depressed face, and I started feeling guilty for putting him on the spot…
“Still, Eun Haje seemed to disagree. She told me your entourage is something you’re quite attached to.”
“How could you listen to the words of someone like her? Tell me, Soleum, aren’t the two of us the same? We’re both creatives doing their best to make a living through their passions!”
Braun spoke matter of factly.
“Meanwhile all she does is dig into people’s personal matters to try and make money of off rumours. People like her- they don’t understand creatives like us!”
I thought back to the clear conflict between him and Haje, with Braun calling Haje out for being a journalist.
“You should ignore people like these, Soleum. They’ll try and sweet talk you to get you to talk and spill everything you know, and then they’ll use even the smallest thing you say to spin up a story for the papers.”
If I did consider his words, wasn’t it true that Eun Haje had complimented me too? Was she truly only trying to get me to tell her something about Braun or even myself, all for a scoop?
“You know, if you ever need anything, you can rely on me. Don’t contact that snake of a woman anymore. Please trust me on this.”
“...”
It hurt to consider that perhaps Haje had truly deceived me. Her expressions seemed genuine enough…
“Alright, Braun.”
Braun had nodded solemnly before pulling me into his embrace again.
“Let’s go on a trip again next week, hm? I think you’d love seeing Belgium.”
“I think I’d prefer going to somewhere with a nice beach again.”
“Then to somewhere with a nice beach we will go to, my dear.”
***
While I may have promised Braun I would not contact Eun Haje, I could not stop the nagging in the back of my mind. Everything Braun had said sounded reasonable. And he had advised me to stop talking to certain people before when they’d made me uncomfortable…
But I was realising that those people, the Agents, were like my second family. How could I have ignored them for so long because of a few words from Braun.
The more time I spent thinking, the more obvious it became that something was wrong.
But once I was in contact with Eun Haje, I began to meet more and more people. And the more my connections grew both through her and through Braun, the more I realized how naive I had been before.
“...Braun.”
I cupped his cheek as he leaned in down to kiss me again, but I pushed his face away.
He rose from where he was, giving me space and tilting his head.
“There’s something I need to ask you, and don’t lie to me.”
“Go ahead, my dear.” Braun’s voice sounded reassuring… as it always did.
I shakily inhaled.
“You- are you associated with the Namhae Branch?”
Braun froze.
‘The Namhae Branch’ was the illegally made branch of a pharmaceutical company named Daydream that me and Eun Haje had investigated. We had two people on the inside, Park Minseong, who shared information with us about Daydream, and Jin Nasol, who infiltrated as a day laborer straight inside the Namhae Branch.
In the end, we found a forgotten visitor record made by the security personnel, and there… We found definitive proof of Braun’s involvement.
He had visited the factory more than once.
Due to that branch being more off the radar than the main company, it made it easier to distribute primary ingredients to third parties.
It also helped that they operated under the cover of a “branch” company, because it meant that they were able to do whatever they wanted while staying out of sight of the regular employees and directives of the company.
After taking this matter to the bureau and, very shamefully, asking for Agent Choi and Agent Bronze’s help, the three managed to uncover more than the surface revealed.
“That place… not only is it used as a source for drug ingredients, it’s also a labour camp, isn’t it?”
“...”
Braun had stared at me with a blank expression.
I waited for him to reply, but he had said nothing.
“You… you were on the visitor list, Braun.” I said, trying to explain my conclusion, as if I had to explain my doubt towards him. “More than once-! More than once did your name show up…”
My voice became shaky.
I’d been investigating this together with Haje for more than half a year.
I was sure of my conclusions, I’d made peace with them as much as I could.
“Braun-”
“So?”
“...”
I gaped at him. That was his first reply?
“What-?”
“I asked, ‘So?’.”
“I don't- Braun, what do you mean ‘so?’? This is a big deal!” I yelled out. I wanted him to defend himself, to act betrayed that I ever doubted him, to tell me I’m delusional and that he’s innocent.
I didn’t- not this. I didn’t want this.
“Does it matter in the end how success is made? Haven’t you been benefitting from the success brought from these things?”
“No… I- I didn’t!”
“Oh! You didn't know? But haven’t you been looking for this for a while? I couldn’t explain it otherwise… Tell me how long did you even suspect me before even starting to look into it? A month, two, a year…”
“No! No I-”
“Then? What are you trying to say here?”
Braun was starting to get up, but I clung onto him.
“I’m trying to ask, to make sure- you had a reason for all this, there was an end for this means wasn’t there?”
Braun tried to pull away again, but my arms clung to his neck, without letting go.
“I need you to tell me, there was some tragic reason why you were required to do all this, that you had no other choice! Can’t you do that?”
“Wasn’t it you who asked me not to lie…?”
My arms went limp, and Braun got up, dusting his vest.
“You ruined a perfectly fine date for this?” He asked.
“You-...”
“You’re being naive, Soleum, like you always are.”
Braun picked the cold cup of tea on the coffee table as he began sipping on it.
“You’re acting as if all the money that went towards our dates, to your gifts, to your promotions on my show and through my connections, weren’t all made through my business.”
“I never agreed to this…”
“But you did, didn’t you?”
“...”
“You were sent here by the investigation bureau of the police department, to investigate.”
“No I- I never had any mission to investigate you-”
“Oh don’t lie now, didn’t we agree to not lie?”
Braun spoke sweetly, and he laughed as he turned around to head to the entry way.
I followed him in a rush thinking he was gonna leave, but instead he only began taking his shoes off that he had previously left on.
“Soleum, your current field mission right now on paper is listed as investigating me by maintaining a relationship with me. Isn't that correct?”
“No- it was never about a relationship, I was at most supposed to try and talk to you a few times to get intel…”
Braun laughed mockingly again as he walked towards me.
“Is that so? Then why do all this? Did you think you could get the information you needed easier this way? Was sleeping your way to it your best choice?”
Braun leaned in, and in that moment, for the first time since meeting this man, I felt afraid of him.
His smile was no longer kind or reassuring.
It was sinister, like he was only mockingly attempting a human expression.
“No…”
“Then?”
I would have burst into a fit right then and there had I had the energy to.
“It’s because I loved you… But now it feels like- It was futile.”
Braun seemed genuinely shocked to hear that.
He straightened up in surprise.
“You thought all along I didn’t care. Then was it hard pretending you cared in return?”
“...”
I felt myself grow angrier by the minute. I don’t know what I expected. He was harming people without a care in the world.
The drugs he distributed harmed millions, the labour camps were murder machines that exploited the unemployed lower class who were in seek of a job that offered them shelter, the bars within that place, and within the town that all traced back to him-
They all exploited people.
They all exploited the weaknesses of the ones on the lowest of the ladder.
I hated that, it made my soul twist and turn in my chest.
I wanted nothing to do with this, but I had become biased.
I hoped that Braun would reassure me. Tell me that what he did was for the greater good. Try to convince me, at the very least-
“Soleum, I don’t see why this has to end.”
“You- you don’t see why? Are you insane?”
Braun held a very steady look in his eyes.
“It’s not as if your feelings all vanished in a single moment did they? I have those kisses earlier as proof, not to mention you would’ve turned me in by now otherwise.”
“... What reason do I have to stay? To support your murder of innocents?”
“To support yourself, of course!”
I drew back as the man came closer and cupped my cheek tenderly.
“Soleum, I love you too- So I want you to be successful, can’t you see? That investigation gig was never for you-! You-” Braun said with an airy voice, as if enchanted, “were made to write. That’s your true calling!”
“...”
Perhaps it was the exhaustion I had from all the recent investigations, the talks with the victims family, if they god bless had any.
“But-” I held my breath as the man stilled as if afraid. “You can’t do that without me… now can you?”
“I-”
“Wouldn’t you prefer to have a comfortable life for the rest of your life? You'd never even need to get your hands dirty, I’d do everything to keep you secure.” Braun’s other hand came to cup my cheek, turning my head upwards to look at his eyes.
“I can teach you about show business, you could be the screenwriter for my talkshow- think about how many amazing collaborations we could make, my dear.”
It was so tempting. To never need to work again, to write to my heart's content, and know that Braun would handle everything. It sounded like a dream come true. Like a melody to my weary ears.
I’d never have to face uncomfortable truths again- I could live as I had before.
In ignorance.
In bliss.
“No-, but what about the victims…?”
“Aren’t I doing them a favour, Soleum?”
“What…?” I inhaled.
“The homeless, I’m giving them a home, aren’t I?”
“You’re working them to the death!”
Braun squished my cheeks between his palms.
“Aren’t they receiving shelter and food instead? They would’ve died on the streets anyways, might as well die with a full stomach.”
I grabbed his hands and took them off of my face.
“No, what about the drugs?”
“I sell to people who are already addicts, they’d kill themselves from the withdrawal…”
I took a step backwards.
“Then what about those bars, the women??”
“They’re all willingly there for the salary, aren’t they?”
Braun did not follow.
“...”
“What are you trying to do…?”
“You wanted me to justify myself, didn’t you? To defend my honour? That’s what I’m doing now.”
I didn’t know how to reply.
Braun was right, that is what I wanted.
To hear that there was an end to the means, that he was doing everything for a reason.
That's what I wanted.
So why wasn’t I happy?
“Join my talk show, Soleum, didn't you say you wanted a wonderful life? To see the beaches and travel the continent? Isn’t that what you said? I can offer you that and more…”
“What do you gain from all this then…?”
“What more is there to gain then the right to love you?”
It was the sweetest and most charming thing to hear… But for some odd reason, it made me sick.
***
I was in the entryway of the same house I had been in then.
This time around, I was not fighting with Braun, I was standing face to face with Baek Saheon, who was waiting for me to take off my shoes and enter.
Probably because I had been drunk at the time- no memories had appeared when I entered this house. Now, sober, awake, and not hungover, the deja vu shocked me into freezing in place.
I hated to let Saheon wait.
“Sorry, I think I just zoned out for a moment.” I tried to play it off, laughing as well as I could.
Saheon looked at me with a gaze I couldn’t decipher. “Actually-”
Right as I thought he’d kick me out- “don’t take your shoes off yet, let me get my coat, it’s a nice day so we should go somewhere.”
I couldn’t quite tell if this man was a blessing or if the weather was the real blessing.
I smiled. “Alright.”
The two of us walked at a slow pace towards a local restaurant.
Saheon had offered to pay, and while it would’ve been easier for me to cover the bill, I didn’t want him to feel indebted for the previous dinner I had treated him to.
“You look tired, is work treating you badly?”
Saheon still believed I worked as an editor for the a publishing house, and I couldn’t tell him of my real profession either.
“It could be better, I’m sure I have it easier than you do.”
“You’re wrong then- numbers aren’t that difficult.”
I laughed. “They are for me, I’ve never been a big fan of mathematics.”
Saheon smiled as he pulled my hand in his.
“Ironic considering how calculating you always are.”
“What is that supposed to mean?!” I replied in mock offense.
“It means- I know your job is giving you trouble and you can’t talk about it “ I tensed up, “, and yet you’re still putting in an effort to be here right now regardless.”
“...” I was speechless, perhaps Saheon too should’ve tried his luck in literature, he sure had a way with words.
I allowed myself to enjoy the moment. Perhaps Saheon was right. Those moments where you’re speechless and unable to find words to comprehend the positive emotions you’re feeling are where humanity ends and divinity starts.