Chapter Text
Courting Thorin was hard.
Actually let me clarify: courting Thorin was beautiful. Courting the King of Erebor was hard.
I loved being able to spend time with him. The absolute thrill of having been chosen by him had me humming songs of joy for weeks. I didn’t have to hold back how I felt for him; he felt the same way. And with that love came physical affection. The hand holding and leaning into him that I’d desired for months were no longer temptations that would ruin a friendship, but a regular part of our day. I loved seeing his warm smile in my direction. The times when his hand would sneak under the table and brush my knee. The moments when he would steal a kiss, making me want more and more of him.
But slowly I began to realize that there were always eyes watching.
I suppose I should have expected it. First, now that the population of the mountain had increased in the hundreds, with more coming in daily, the staff in Thorin’s office grew exponentially. I remained his secretary so that we could spend more time together, but it wasn’t the same as before. So our personal quality time shrank and I don’t think either of us exactly knew what to do about it. And we did try to be creative. There were times I pulled him out for a lunch. Or he would ask me to escort him to his meetings, even though we both knew who would be guarding who in event of an attack. But there were always people around. Sometimes it was our specific chaperones to remind us to stay in line, but most often they were people I was only beginning to know. And of course all knew we were courting. And with courting comes super sensitive conversations. For me, I felt extremely awkward bringing up anything serious with eyes watching. That’s how it started, at least.
Then was the fateful moment: dinner at Dís’s.
The horrible thing was it had been going great! The conversation was flowing, and I was genuinely feeling like part of the family. And Thorin’s hand landed on my knee, reminding me of his devotion. But then he slowly made his way higher. As his thumb slowly stroked my thigh, I felt myself freeze. I quickly schooled my face so that nobody else in the room saw my discomfort. But Thorin must have felt my body tense. He quickly removed his hand.
“Ann, I apologize for my behavior earlier,” he said quietly once we were alone cleaning up. “There was a line, and I crossed it. It will not happen again.”
I looked at him, allowing my face to begin to reveal the complexity of the situation. It wasn’t the premarital boundaries that bothered me. But as his hand moved up my leg, the issue of my weight burst back into my psyche. I again remembered all the extra fat that sat in that area of my body. And I'd tried to lose it. I was much more conscious of my diet than I was before we began courting. But it was still there. Of course I could dress well and hide the extra pounds but once he touched me all was revealed. To make it worse, Kíli jumped on the counter to help us clean before I had a chance to open my mouth and share that part of my heart. My defenses went up. Thorin saw, but could not say anything.
The next week was challenging. I was beginning to see our innocent little touches in a whole new light. What did he see? What could he feel? Of course not all touches are created equal. I didn’t feel self conscious when he touched my knee, for example. After all, there wasn’t any extra fat there. My back also felt safe, mostly. There were places I knew my extra weight was more detectable, and I confess I did freeze up when Thorin’s fingers made contact. I tried to relax, but as the week progressed my discomfort grew obvious even to him. His eyebrows knit together and lips opened, but looked around. We were in his office. People were around. Balin was watching. It was as though he noticed something was off in my behavior and was gazing intently at me. That shut me down emotionally. I understood that Thorin needed to understand my struggles, but the idea of anybody else knowing made me sick. And with Balin already on the verge of guessing…. So when Thorin tried to inquire as to my wellbeing, I froze.
I went home that night and leaned heavily against the door. How was I supposed to navigate this? How was I supposed to move past my fears… my insecurities… my timidness. How was I supposed to love this dwarf who cared for me so much?
I quickly drew myself a bath and leaned back in the tub. I knew that my insecurities were no longer rational. I literally had a man who loved me. Who wanted to touch me. Right? I didn’t have to understand it. Right? As I dried off and put on my pajamas, I kicked myself. I was supposed to be beyond this! Thorin loved me so much; I could see that whenever he would sneak a kiss. If we had more than a second, he'd pull me close. He’d sigh deeply, signaling me to curl into him. In moments like that it would take all my restraint not to climb up on his lap. But now I had to wonder: was it self-control or was it that I was terrified of him feeling how heavy I was? Or wondering if I was too heavy for his frame? I’d remembered that he’d literally carried me at least twice, reminding me that most of the insecurity was just in my head. But it was so deep in my psyche that I couldn’t just pluck it out and throw it away. I groaned and sank to my couch. Why was it so hard for me to believe that I was good enough for him? Why was it so hard for me to clear the past? Why couldn’t I see myself as he saw me?
There was a knock at my door.
I tightened my robe around me. It was strange for people to be knocking this late. I mean it wasn’t abnormal for Glòin to come by and check to make sure I made it home. Or Mitzie. Although Mitzie would make a social call of it often enough. Dís even stopped in from time to time. Even though we were getting close to becoming friends, I got the sense that she was also trolling her brother.
Which was why I was shocked when it was said brother at the door.
“Thorin!” I gasped.
He smiled and pulled me into a deep kiss. I automatically pressed myself into him, moving my hands up and down his back. He followed suit, eventually lowering his hands to my hips.
“Isn’t this against the rules?” I whispered into his ear.
I felt him shiver as he smiled at me. “Well, I suppose there is no use being King if I cannot take advantage of it from time to time. Besides, I would say they’re being bent rather than broken.”
I liked his distinction. “Do you want to come in?”
His cheeks went a little red as he looked at my sitting room through the door. “That I should not do. To avoid scandal. But I do have a place I would like to take you. If you permit me.”
“Where?”
His smile grew bashful. “I would like to keep that a surprise for the time being. But I think it will be to your liking.”
I gave him a quick kiss and nodded.
His grin grew. “I will await here while you dress.”
He let go of me, but I did not let go of him. Not out of devotion (or at least not completely), but rather I had every scenario running through my head. Get dressed… but what do I wear? Do I wear the travel clothes in which he fell in love with me? But those did no favors to my over-rounded figure. Or do I wear the dresses that even I had caught him staring at me in? Even if I questioned how good they looked, he certainly appreciated them.
His brow furrowed. “Ann?”
I took a breath and articulated my question. “What should I wear?”
He tilted his head in confusion for a brief second before answering. “You may wear whatever you like. I assume you wouldn’t wish to traverse Erebor in your night robe.”
I smiled at his light quip but looked down. The question held within it a deeper reality. What did he want to see me in? What did he like seeing me in? What could he like…. Stop it, Ann. Stop that. As I could feel his stare growing more confused, I knew I needed to articulate my confusion to him. This was the first time we’d been alone in the month we’d been courting. I might never get a chance again….
“What do you want me to wear?”
“I… what do I want?”
I bit my lip and looked down. I didn’t want to make this whole relationship about my insecurities. But I was supposed to be honest with him, right? I wanted him to see me… needed him to see me. The unedited version of me. But how do you be open in your struggles without the other person drowning in them?
He eventually sighed and rubbed my back. “I want you to wear whatever you will be happiest in.”
I nodded. I needed to be alright with that answer. So I quickly returned the kiss and wandered back to my rooms, rushing to the closet and pulling out… my travel clothes. He said we were walking. So I wanted something comfortable… so I picked my nicest leggings. My nicest shirt. I made sure they matched. Then the boots he got me. I sighed, trying not to think twice as I returned to him in the hallway. Feeling a huge sense of relief as he smiled, looked me up and down, and drew me in for another kiss.
“Are you ready?” he smiled.
I nodded enthusiastically. “Where are we going?”
He grasped my hand and led me forward.
“How… how sneaky do we have to be?” I was still getting used to the laws of courtship. And beginning in the middle of the biggest transition in the Mountain’s history. Which again was nobody’s fault but our own but still….
He shook his head. “Not at all. I asked Glóin for his permission and informed him where I wished to take you. We will not be behind any closed doors, always very much in public. But even if all this is true, we will also be away from the attention of most.”
“Oh!”
Thorin gave me a sly smile. “I too have been seeking out ways to spend more alone time with my beloved.”
I placed a tender kiss on his cheek and we continued to walk silently ahead. No agenda, no work. No trying to figure out the logistics of an entire Kingdom. Just us. I slowly slipped my hand out of his and put it around his waist. He returned suit. It made it easier for him to guide me up the mountain, slowly leaving civilization and into rockier ground.
“Watch your step,” he cautioned as we began to need to climb our way within the mountain.
He stayed even with me, helping me however he could until we reached more even ground. We rounded a corner and I looked up to see a work site. Thorin had been slow to open new mining sites, but in the end the plethora of new citizens meant that the mountain needed jobs. So here they were, beginning to light their lamps and shape the inside of the mountain. We were definitely in their sight, but not their attention. Just as he promised.
“Is that natural light?” I asked, pointing to the dim red rays near the top of the work site.
“Aye. Partially for vision and partially as an air duct. We need them for cross circulation within the mountain.”
With that. He set down his pack, opened it up, and pulled out a blanket. He placed it on the ground, inviting me to sit on it. I followed, trying to make space for him.
“I will be comfortable on the rock,” he said.
“You sure?”
He nodded, sitting next to me and wrapping his arm around me. “You forget: my people were made from the stone itself. It feels like home to be so connected. I imagine less so with you?”
I curled up into him. “Maybe not with the rock, but I’m happy to be close to you.”
The words felt a little cheesy to me, but they made him smile. I leaned in to kiss him. He returned it, slowly moving his hands to my hair and playing around with the braids that I’d just begun adding in. I’d discovered that there weren’t exactly “hair rituals” as a part of courtship, more that changing things up gave him new places to explore. It always made my heart flutter when he discovered a new bead, or a new curl, and gently traced it from beginning to end.
I did pull away first, taking a moment to drink him in in a way that I felt odd doing in public. I moved my hand from his chest to his face, tracing his cheek. He followed suit, thumb slowly tracing my lips. He smiled and sighed as he put his forehead to mine.
“How are you?”
I traced his fingers on my head. It was a question that he was sure to ask every day. But here, the question had more context. More depth. He was not asking for my wellbeing, but he was asking me for all the responses I’d been shy to give him in front of others.
“I’ve missed you. I’ve missed what you’re like when it’s just us.”
He sat back and stared off into the distance at the miners working. “Tis just a temporary thing.”
“Until when?”
He sighed and leaned his head against mine. I knew the answer to the question as it left my lips: marriage. Until the day we were married, we’d not be alone. Except for times like this, when Thorin would figure out how to spirit me away. To find a loophole in the system.
“Ann, look. It begins.”
He gently turned me back around so I was facing the construction. I noticed that, since our arrival, one by one the dwarves had begun lighting their lanterns. I gasped as the rocky face began to shine with hundreds of small licks of flame bursting into light. I gasped, leaning back into him.
He kissed the top of my head. “Ann, I confess there are two reasons I brought you here. The first was because, you are right. We have not had much time to speak, and there are important things that we must discuss as a part of our courtship. And I do apologize that it has taken me so long to make time for us. But, this is also one of my favorite parts of the mountain. And I wanted to show you.”
I could see why he liked it. Sitting here, watching the flames move up and down with their workers, was absolutely mesmerizing. I felt spellbound by the simplicity of the mountain working. It reminded me of how he’d described Erebor as a living entity. How through her people she lived and breathed. And I could see this life with every new flame. With every intake of breath, a new lantern sunk into the depths only to exhale another moments later.
“It’s beautiful, Thorin,” I breathed, not willing to look away.
He encircled his arms around me, pulling me in. “That, my love, is just the beginning. In a moment, if my reckoning is correct, the stars will appear. And I believe the constellations will be in the correct position tonight.”
“We can see the stars from within the mountain?” I asked him.
“Of sorts. You’ll see.”
I looked up to see the light from the vent was completely gone. But only for a moment. Suddenly a brilliant blue light shone through. It sparkled through the mine until it hit the first gem. Then the second, then the third, and soon enough the entire cliffside lit up in a brilliant blue light. I was without words. My hand immediately went to Thorin's. I put my hand over his and stroked it, but other than that just sat and watched the jewels in the mountain glimmer and shine.
“This was my favorite part of the mountain before the dragon came,” Thorin’s voice whispered in my ear. “What do you think?”
“I’ve never seen anything so beautiful in my entire life.”
I felt his head on my shoulder. “Tell me more.”
“I think it’s the blue light. It reminds me of the Banquet Hall, but the light in there is made. This is just natural. Real.”
“Go on.”
“And….” I took a deep breath and leaned against his head. I needed to get past what I thought about the light. What did I feel. Thorin wanted to know how I felt. “I feel… moved.”
He seemed to like that word. “Moved?”
I nodded. “Like I feel drawn to it. I want to stay here. With you. And just watch the lights together.”
He buried his face in my neck and took a deep breath. “Tis how I recall feeling, often when I was here. I wanted to watch them. Memorize them. Marvel at how something so simple took my breath away. Because yes this is a place of great beauty within the mountain. But I would be remiss to say it’s the most beautiful thing within Erebor.”
I turned my head to his. “So you’re holding out on me?” I asked playfully. “Where is the most beautiful part of Erebor?”
“I didn’t say part, Ann.” Slowly, deliberately, he moved his arms off where they rested on mine and moved them to my stomach. I froze. My most flabby part, and he was touching it. My terror mounted when I thought of him noticing.
“The most beautiful thing in the mountain,” said Thorin softly, “is that which I hold in my arms.”
I turned to him in shock. Me, I realized. He meant me.
He slowly placed a kiss on my shoulder. “Ann, I know you do not believe this. I do not know all, but you have revealed how you see yourself. I know not if that has been the cause of your pain this week… I’ve been wanting to tell you. To show you. To make you understand…. I want you to see. Look at the lights.”
I sniffed as I looked back to the wall of traveling lights. Adorned naturally by the blue light of the stars and the constantly moving red lights of the flames.
“You say you feel moved when you see this sight. And yet I dare say that pales to the movement I feel when I gaze upon your beauty.”
I wiped away a tear and turned back to him. “How?”
I knew it was silly to raise questions such as that. I just… it didn’t make sense.
He frowned and moved his hands to my face. “How could I not?”
He drew me in for a kiss again, this time moving his hands all over me. Perhaps as though to show me that all the places I was self-conscious of, he found beautiful. Everything I was worried he’d find loathsome, he was drawn to. I wrapped my arms around his neck as I drew myself closer and, taking a breath, pulled myself into his lap.
He immediately responded by wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me close to himself as he could. He sighed and his kiss grew deeper. One hand stayed on my waist, reverently touching the beginning of the stomach I was so self conscious of, while the other went to my hair.
I pulled away first, resting my head against his. Our breath mingling, our hearts beating so closely together that they were almost one.
“What did I ever do to deserve you?” I whispered to him.
He shook his head. “Rather, I should be the one asking that. I can be harsh, abrasive. Quick to anger. How do I deserve someone as good, as stunningly beautiful as you?”
I bit my lip to hold back a tear. But then I remembered: this was Thorin. I had certainly cried on him many times before he was my one, but now… I put my head on his shoulder as tears began to fall. The one place where I knew I would always be welcome for a cry. He kissed my head and stroked my back.
When I came out of it, I put my forehead back to his and stroked his beard. “Thank you.”
He smiled at me, relishing a victory. I personally knew the war was not complete, but this was certainly an important battle. It became one of those moments I could look back to when I was having a low day. A touch point that could help me recenter. A moment for me to remember that this dwarf really did love me. Really did care. And an inspiration for me to be as good of a girlfriend as I could be.
“Ann, I do have one question for you,” Thorin asked quietly.
“Are your legs falling asleep?”
“Oh no, no.” I did notice, however, that he repositioned me a little and moved his legs beneath me. “My question, is… in your time, how long would a couple typically court before engagement?”
I turned all the way to him. He was trying to be subtle, but I recognized the question exactly for what it was. “How… you’re not asking…?”
“No! No, Ann.” He smiled and looked down. “When I ask, you will know. But… there is a difference between my people and yours. And that difference is… I would be ready to ask. But I know not what you think.”
My heart began to beat rapidly. “Well… most of my friends courted a year before getting engaged.”
His face fell and I felt a bit guilty for leading him on like that. But to his utmost credit, he nodded in assent.
“But,” I added quickly, “I suppose I could give you time served?”
His brows knit together. “Time served?”
“Well, part of courting is making sure we work well together. And if I remember correctly, we did a whole lot of that in the quest here. Although I don’t think the first few months can count.”
“No,” he shook his head. “Although, I might request some credit from that time? After all, we certainly leaned how not to work together.”
I looked up in mock contemplation and shifted slightly in his lap. “I suppose I could grant you that concession.”
His smile went soft and his hands lowered. “I shall endeavor to repay your generosity.”
I smiled back and leaned forward to kiss him.
Thorin responded at first, but then took a deep breath and closed his eyes. His hands slowly moved down my back, eventually lingering back on my hips. His eyes remained shut and I noticed his breath was deep. But he did not move, as though frozen in place. Suddenly, I realized that I had just shifted into a very compromising position. I apologized and moved next to him, curling into his side in a much more neutral position. He finally let out his breath and wrapped his arm around me.
“Thorin?”
“Yes?”
“I… I think there’s a few conversations we still have to have. Before I’m ready.”
“Hmm?”
“I mean we haven’t even talked about kids… money… I don’t even know what are we supposed to talk about?”
I felt Thorin chuckle and shrug next to me. “I don’t know; I can ask Dís.”
“Or Fíli?”
“No.”
The directness of that response surprised me, so I turned back to him. “Why not? Fíli’s going to be married soon himself. He’s going to know all the answers.”
“Ann, I will not be asking my nephew for courtship advice.”
I laughed and shook my head. Oh, he was stubborn. But he was mine. It didn’t take too much longer for us to reach our engagement. But for that night, we just watched the stars glisten and the flames float up and down the cliffs.