Chapter Text
“soo…” Castle started hesitantly.
He and Esposito were now sitting in the lobby together, and it was Beckett’s turn to watch over Ryan.
Esposito was trying to sleep, but he sat up apprehensively. “What?”
Castle avoided his eyes. Esposito hated that. “If you got something to say, you can say it to my face.” He said angrily to Castle.
Castle looked into his eyes. It was almost painful – Castle’s eyes were a darker blue than Ryan’s, but it was still heartbreaking.
“How are you doing?” Castle asked awkwardly. Esposito sighed angrily, crossing his arms and looking away. “I’m fine. Why don’t you ask what you really want to ask?”
Castle nodded slowly. “Alright. Are you in love with Kevin Ryan?”
Esposito whirled to look at him again. “No!” He practically yelled.
Castle looked at him, a knowing look in his eyes. “Evidently you are.”
“I do not love him.”
Castle sighed, running his hand through his hair.
“Listen…You do love him. I’m a writer – I read people, it’s part of the job. And you and Ryan…” He trailed off.
“We’re just friends.” Esposito said firmly. Castle sighed, fidgeting with his coat sleeves.
“A lot of historians say that about male partnerships. Sometimes it’s more. Sometimes it’s not.”
He looked at Espo, eyes piercing.
“Listen. It’s not my decision on how you feel about Ryan. All I’m saying is I know you love him – whether it be platonic or romantic is up to you. And I’ll support you either way.”
Castle shifted, grabbing Espo by the shoulders.
“But you cannot deny how you feel. He almost died today, you almost died today. I guess... ‘The funny thing about facing imminent death is that it really snaps everything else into perspective.’ My friend James Patterson said that. So, do not tell me all is fine, when you almost lost your life.”
Javier stared at Castle silently. Eventually, he smiled weakly. “Look at you, Castle. Spitting bars. Just one thing.”
Castle nodded.
Javier neared his face. “Never grab my shoulders again. I will kick you.”
Castle raised his hands in defeat, backing off.
“Guys!” Beckett yelled from down the hallway.
“He’s awake.”
Castle and Espo looked at each other. In Castle’s eyes were a challenge. Tell him. They seemed to say.
Slowly they shambled in, Javier afraid to see the fragile Kevin.
Tears sprung to his eyes when he saw the pale man. Kevin had lost a lot of weight already, looking like a porcelain doll in his slenderness.
Kevin had been looking at a blank white wall on the opposite side of his bed, but when they entered, he turned.
Blue eyes pierced Javi’s.
“Hi.” Ryan whispered, voice quiet and delicate.
“Hi, Ryan. You gave us a scare. How are you feeling?” Castle asked nearing his bed and giving him a fist bump.
Ryan coughed a laugh. “Given the circumstances though, I guess I’m doing pretty good.”
Ryan slowly looked at Javier. “Hi, Espo.” He said quietly.
Javier nodded silently.
There was an air of tension between them. Ryan sighed, rubbing his eyes. “Beckett, Castle, could you give us some privacy?” He asked. Beckett nodded, pulling Castle away, the latter of which winked at Javier.
As soon as they were alone, Ryan sat up. “Go ahead, say what you were going to say.” He snapped.
Esposito blinked. “What?”
“How I’m impulsive, and I shouldn’t have goaded Lockwood.” Ryan continued vehemently.
Javier shook his head, sitting next to the bed. “I wasn’t going to say that.”
He hesitated, gazing at Ryan.
“I was going to say that I’m the impulsive one. I shouldn’t have made the mom joke, I shouldn’t have said those things. It pissed him off, and he shot you because he knew it would hurt me too.”
Ryan looked away, embarrassed. “I-I’m sorry bro. I didn’t mean to snap at you.” He mumbled.
Javier smiled fondly. “It’s fine, bro.”
“So. How do you actually feel?” Javi asked, making Ryan laugh.
“You know me so well. I feel like crap bro. I don’t know if the pain meds are working, hah.” Ryan chuckled.
Javi nodded slowly. “Have the doctors talked to you at all about your knee?”
Ryan nodded, shifting uncomfortably. “…Yeah. They say after I heal, I’ll have to use a cane to walk around without a limp.” Tears welled in Ryan’s eyes. “I-I…”
“I was so scared, Javi.” He eventually whispered.
“I still am. I – what’s wrong with me? Why?” He sobbed.
Javi took his hand. “It’s normal to be scared. But it’s over now, you’re okay, you’re safe.” He whispered, also hugging Kevin.
“It’s okay. It’s gonna be okay.”
And they just laid there for what felt like hours.
~~~
All in all, it had been a day of fear, strength, and perhaps some newfound feelings. And in the days following Ryan and Espo stayed together as much as they could, until the nurses had to force Espo out of his room.
Ryan was healing well enough for his wounds, but it probably didn’t help that he had his friends pestering him 24/7. When he finally got free of the hospital, almost two weeks later, he called Esposito to help get to his own apartment.
“No, Mr. Ryan, you’ll have to stay with someone. You can’t live by yourself for the time being, as it’s a risk to your condition right now.” The doctor said firmly.
Ryan blanched immediately, confused.
Espo noticed, smiling a little. “It’s okay, he’ll stay with me.”
Ryan looked down, embarrassed.
As they walked out of the hospital, Ryan stole glances at Espo.
Javi’s eyes seemed focused on where they were going.
Wait… Ryan began to think. He’s avoiding looking at me. Did he lie? Is he actually angry at me?
“you okay?” He asked Javi. Javi glanced down at him, a short laugh (or scoff) exhaling. “I should be asking you that. I’m literally wheeling you out of the hospital.”
Ryan chuckled a little. “You know I’m fine. How are you?”
Javi scoffed again, anger emanating from him suddenly. But as soon as it appeared, it was gone. Ryan squinted at him.
“I’m fine bro.” Espo finally said as they reached the car.
Ryan climbed in with his help, wincing as his wounds shifted.
The car ride to Javi’s apartment was silent, uncomfortable, awkward, completely different to their usual banter.
Almost as if he knows – knows how I feel – Ryan broke off that train of thought.
This was disastrous, it was wrong. Ryan had nothing against gay people, but he and Javi were partners – this would ruin their dynamic and besides, the precinct would never let them be together.
Ryan stared out the car window, not noticing Javier stealing glances when he could.
~~
His eyes are so blue…
Javi shook that thought out of his mind, of course his eyes were blue.
But when Javi had taken Ryan’s hand, and Ryan looked at him, he could’ve sworn, he thought he saw a spark of something there. Those eyes had a fire in them, blue and intense as the sky.
But Ryan’s eyes were all stormy now – and Espo knew that look all too well.
He’s mad at me. Does he know…? No, he can’t possibly know.
Javi was…queer. He didn’t know if he was gay, bi, or anything in between. And for a long time, he’s loved his partner. Platonically at first, but at some unknown point it had turned to something more.
Espo sighed quietly. He could never tell Ryan. It would ruin their friendship, and Ryan would hate him for it.
Soon they arrived at Javi’s apartment, and Espo had to help carry Ryan’s stuff and Ryan.
The painkillers were kicking in, so Ryan was getting very woozy.
He fell onto Javi’s couch, face down just as Espo climbed back up the stairs with Ryan’s stuff.
Espo flinched when he saw Kev, thinking he looked like a dead body.
“Ryan?” He asked. Ryan lifted only his head. “I hurt,” Ryan murmured.
“Hey bro, let’s get you to bed –“
Somehow, Ryan whirled around, cutting Espo off; he grabbed Espo’s face, kissing him fiercely. It was random, sudden.
And Espo admitted to himself that he wanted to kiss back, but instead he pushed Ryan off.
Once again, Javi was struck by the vividness of Ryan’s eyes, unblinking.
They stood like that for a long moment. It was very difficult not leaning in any further.
Eventually Javi cleared his throat. “Whoa, bro, you are high. You need some sleep.”
Bright blue eyes stared up at him blankly.
Espo sighed, picking up Ryan easily (princess carry), and carried him into his room.
Setting Ryan down on the bed, Espo said “there. Sleep. I’ll see you in the morning.”
As he closed the door he heard a low “g’night.”
~~
So it was a night of regrets, slight debauchery, and shenanigans never forgotten.
Javier laid in his couch, thoughts racing through his head.
It was now 6:00am, and he had not slept a single wink. He just relived that moment.
As he mulled over his thoughts, he heard clattering in his bedroom.
Soon Ryan came stumbling out of Javi’s bedroom, looking properly disheveled.
In another life… Javi thought absently.
“Um. Hey.” Ryan muttered, trying to fix his tousled hair.
“Last night…did we…?” Ryan asked.
With his eyes, he finished the question. Javi stared at him.
“We kissed.” He said, deadpan.
He didn’t show emotion, not knowing how the other man felt.
Ryan exhaled hard, leaning against a wall on his good side.
“Javi, I –“
“It was a mistake.”
“…what?”
“You and me…I’m sorry I kissed you, I was just upset, and I couldn’t – I didn’t think clearly, and you, you were all doozy on painkillers. It wasn’t right to kiss you then. And I…I won’t feel that way.”
“So…what, we just forget this all happened?”
“Yeah.”
Ryan stomped to Javi, crouching right beside him, the latter man having never gotten up from the couch.
Striking blue eyes met fiery amber.
“I refuse to think that kiss was a mistake. And if I recall, it was me that kissed you. And I’m not drugged right now.” Ryan hissed fiercely.
Javi swallowed, his gaze unwillingly moving down to Ryan’s mouth.
Just then, someone knocked on the door.
Espo cleared his throat, heart beating fast.
“I’ll get it.” He muttered.
He got up and opened the door.
It was the pizza man.
For some godforsaken reason, in his sleep deprived 6:00am mind, he ordered pizza. He didn’t even remember doing it.
He paid kid, giving him a bit of a tip too.
He closed the door, setting the pizza box down on the counter.
Ryan leaned against the couch, wincing a little, watching him warily.
Esposito tried to avoid his eyes.
“Javi?” Kevin pleaded quietly.
“even if it wasn’t a mistake, it’d ruin our partnership. We’d have to hide it at the district, we’d have to hid it from Beckett. God only knows how quickly Castle catches on.” Esposito whispered.
Kevin approached him slowly. “You’re worried about Beckett and Castle?”
“Not just that, but coworkers aren’t allowed to date. One of us, OR both of us could be fired. We’d – we’d lose our jobs, our friends.” Esposito was now spiraling, rambling the same stuff over and over.
He wanted Kevin, that much was true, but he had to find every excuse he could not to date. He couldn’t date Kevin. It would ruin everything.
But Kevin was still approaching him.
Close enough to touch, but Ryan kept his distance.
“Javi, I’m not worried about this.”
Ryan said quietly.
Javier finally looked up at him, immediately regretting it. Those blue eyes were full of pain, full of pleading. “What – what if –“ Esposito hesitated.
Ryan grabbed Espo’s shoulders. “No. No ‘what if.’ Okay? Don’t worry about the future, we’re in the here, the now.” Ryan whispered, reaching up to cradle Esposito’s face.
“With you, I feel like I can do anything, handle anything. Even being fired, even losing our friends.
You keep me honest, Javier.”
With that, Kevin leaned in, kissing him.
And despite himself, Javier kissed back.