Chapter Text
That night, for the first time in Tsukishima Kei’s life; he had a complete, flawless and peaceful sleep without any unwanted visitors, mostly Akiteru, barging in his room in the middle of the night or appearing in his nightmares to bother him.
If we ask Yamaguchi, he had a pretty nice sleep as well, ignoring the fact that he couldn’t keep his eyes closed until about 2 am since he got a little too excited about the news from Tsukishima’s psychiatrist.
This time, Yamaguchi had to go home and sleep in his own house; which was a bit devastating because he somehow got used to sleeping in the same room as Tsukishima. The green haired boy’s mom had reassured him already, telling him that Tsukishima was gonna be discharged so soon and further company wasn’t so needed.
After all, who is gonna stop Yamaguchi from dragging his best friend around the whole town right on the day he is discharged? It’s a saturday in may, not so much of a burning wind was in the air. If anything, it was actually pretty nice weather.
The blond woke up from his light sleep with the sound of his door opening. It was his nurse and mom stepping in together, with the nurse holding a bunch of papers that are supposed to be signed in her hands.
His mom had a distressed expression on her face unlike the cheerful nurse, as she then got closer to her son with quick but careful steps, her unsure and shaky arms wrapping themselves around Tsukishima’s body.
Her eyes were already full of tears before Tsukishima could process the moment. His mom sobbing while holding his head with one of her hands—for what?
What could she possibly be crying for?
“Kei—baby, I’m sorry.”
The word Tsukishima hates the most. People messily apologizing to him with no reason on the surface pissed him off. First Yamaguchi, and now hearing useless apologies from his mom.
For what, because he ruined his body and himself?
It wasn’t my fault.
It is, Kei. Why else would people be crying for you?
It’s not as if I enjoy not being able to function properly.
Your mom is crying because she was losing you slowly, Kei.
“It’s just—you were too angry at me, and, forgive me…”
“I didn’t wanna make you worse, I couldn’t even come near—”
Hiccups and soft sobs escaped her mouth as she held him tighter.
“Mom—” His voice was not stable. It came out low and his sentence was cut off by his voice crack.
Silence filled the room. The only thing the nurse could do at this moment was stay silent until they could calm each other down so she could speak. Disturbing their conversation wouldn’t be a nice thing to do, especially between a son and his mother who slowly watched him destroy himself.
“Mom.”
“Stop—stop crying.”
“Please.”
A word that Kei Tsukishima does not use unless necessary. Pleading is for when you’re truly desperate for something to happen. It’s not something that should be taken lightly. And hearing her son say such a thing once in a long while, from the bottom of his heart and with a trembling voice cord, she couldn’t help but take a deep breath before taking a step back.
She slowly removed her arms from around his torso and wiped her tears away, trying her best to calm down so they could have a proper conversation.
Huff. Another deep breath.
“Kei.”
“A lot—a lot of people believe in you. I hope you know that.”
“The reason your psychiatrist let you get discharged is because she wanted to give you a chance, she—hiccup, she believes in you.”
Her voice was still trembling, causing a few voice cracks and hiccups between her sentences. When she held her son’s hands and looked into his eyes, it was as if he was a baby again. In the hospital bed and in her mother’s arms.
“My sweet boy,”
That sweet boy who ruined himself.
“I’m—I’m sure Tadashi believes in you more than anyone.”
“Maybe—”
A shaky laugh escaped her mouth as she squeezed his hands slightly.
“Maybe even more than I do, you know?”
The nurse then spoke up in a gentle tone. Not wanting to disturb them, but also wanting to go through with the discharging procedure.
“Miss Tsukishima,”
“If you’d like, I can give you both some space and come here with the papers later?”
“No, no, please. I’m sorry that I took so long.”
A nervous laugh was heard from Kei’s mother before she wiped her face again with her hand. She took another deep breath and then took the pen the nurse handed to her. As her mom sat down on the couch, started filling up and signing the papers, the nurse slowly unwrapped the bandages from Kei’s arm. She gently disconnected the IV cord and pressed a cotton pad onto the area they injected it into.
The room was filled with an awkward silence the whole time, but Kei was fine with it. As long as he was leaving this place behind.
It took his mom only a couple of minutes to fill up the papers, signing the places that were necessary; now the only thing left was Kei’s signature on the papers.
When his mom stood up from the couch in the corner and walked over to hand him the papers, his hands almost twitched. He was shaking—why? One single signature, and it was gonna be all over.
His mom would surely allow him to go out with Yamaguchi after he gets discharged, wouldn’t she?
His fingers gripped the pen hard. It was as if his blood flow had stopped for a single second, his body freezing right there.
I’m leaving this place.
If he’s leaving, what’s this nervousness for?
He slowly extended the pen towards the paper he needed to sign. Right next to the signature box his mother signed, there was another one that said “signature of the inpatient.”
His hand moved slowly.
Inpatient’s name: Kei Tsukishima.
And he is leaving this place forever.
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After the nurse gathered up the pile of papers from Kei’s hand, they heard a knock on the door. It was one of the cleaning ladies in the hospital.
“Ah—my apologies, I thought the patient had already left!”
“It’s all fine! In fact, he’s leaving right now, nothing to worry about. You could start cleaning, yes? Just leave the bed sheets for the end.” The nurse spoke gently, arranging the papers and putting them in her folder.
“Kei, baby, it’s time to pack your bag up. I’ll help you, ‘kay—” his mother’s words were interrupted by Kei’s voice, stern but somehow still gentle—only towards his mother. After all, nobody would want to make their mom upset after seeing them cry a whole waterfall over them.
“Can you stop calling me baby?”
“Please.” His voice came out low, but it was still enough for his mom to hear it.
“Okay, okay. I’ll pack your bag, okay? You didn’t even take out more than your pajamas—but still..”
His mom slowly walked over to Kei’s bag that was on the couch as he muttered under his tongue.
“Maybe it’s because you packed every single piece of clothing that doesn't even fit me.”
By chance, his nurse—his former nurse, had heard his words. It made her chuckle slightly before opening up her mouth to answer. Before she could speak, Kei was already adjusting his body to get off the bed.
One step, and it was the worst step he had ever taken in his whole life. It was as if he was stepping into nothingness—or even trying to kick your feet while being on the verge of suffocating in an ocean.
Just a single step in, he had to hold onto the wall. If the nurse didn’t notice and catch his arm, perhaps there would be a different story.
“Mr. Kei.”
He heard her tone turn into a stern one for the very first time since he started staying in this hospital room.
“Kei-kun.” Kei corrected his nurse, reminding her that she had started calling him “Kei-kun” in no time. Though perhaps it wasn’t the time to focus on honorifics.
He couldn’t feel his legs, he didn’t know why. The only thing he knew was that this was a rare thing he was feeling. A wave of anxiety—no, not anxiety. It was fear. If you asked his friends, his coach, or anybody who knows him; they probably would tell you he wasn’t the type to feel fear.
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Kei Tsukishima remembers that one time he searched up about eating disorders. It wasn’t because he thought he had one, he was just curious like every other teenager.
He also remembers the time he read a paragraph online.
“Losing a large percentage of your body muscle in a small amount of time may leave permanent effects on one’s body. Not being able to use some of your body parts, such as legs which also holds you back from walking, is one of those effects. If you are suspicious about having a disorder, please contact a mental health expert or a crisis line immediately.”
He remembers how his eyes were completely fixated on his laptop while reading it. How his mother entered his room and looked at him with those same worried eyes when he quickly shut his laptop.
How he stared at his body after dinner that night—or how he started running and walking more around the school yard just to convince himself that he was fine.
He remembers.
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At this moment, as if it was his last minutes on this planet, all of these memories started rushing back into his mind. But it felt nice, somehow. Was this how people on the verge of death felt? Surely it can’t be that bad. What is it that people fear? Death itself, or the people they are about to lose.
Because he knew for a fact that it wasn’t death itself he feared. It was someone.
“Kei?” His mom then called out in a gentle voice.
There goes those eyes again. The eyes he sees every single time whenever something proceeds to go wrong.
“It’s alright, Mrs. Tsukishima. He just—needed to pause for a moment. I’ll help him. How about you wait in the corridor?”
The smile Kei’s nurse always gives people has never failed once. If it even convinced a mother to let go of his child for a humble moment, it surely had an effect.
Thank the gods, the cleaning lady was in the bathroom, making it possible for them to talk more comfortably. His nurse slowly helped him lift his body, giving him gentle encouraging words.
“You’re doing good. Can you try to lift your waist?”
“There we go, Kei-kun.”
When he successfully got on his two legs, she slowly removed his hands from his body. Surprisingly, he could stand by himself after that strange numbness. It didn’t last too long, he assumed.
“Thanks.”
He thanked her in a low tone, taking slow steps towards the door. His mom had already taken his bag, so there wasn’t anything left for him to do.
“I know you don’t want to worry your mother, Kei.”
A wave of silence ran through them. Kei had not stopped taking steps, but he was careful enough to still listen to her.
“What about that freckled boy of yours?”
“Of mine?”
He turned his head to face her.
His nurse let out a tiny giggle as she always does.
“Interpret it however you’d like, Kei-kun. But I know that there is one single thing you’re afraid of in this world,”
“And I know that it isn’t the feeling you got just a few minutes ago when you couldn’t work your legs.” She continued.
Then, she walked over to him slowly, putting a gentle hand on his shoulder before she patted it.
“Now, let's go and discharge you from this cursed place, yeah?”
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It had been awhile since he last saw his teammates. His coach, and his teacher. He wonders if they missed him. Well, knowing Tadashi's big mouth, he probably spent half of the training hours talking about the atmosphere of the hospital. Hearing his blabbers, he’s sure his teammates and coach weren’t amused the tiniest bit.
What’s more embarrassing; feeling your legs go numb when you’re 5 minutes away from getting discharged from your hospital, or being seen walking all the way to the parking lot with your pajama pants? Kei Tsukishima does not give a single fuck.
He’s just glad about the fact that his nurse was the only person to see him in that situation.
Vulnerable?
Maybe we could name it as “trying to survive.”
Think of a baby who learned how to walk a long time ago.
If they suddenly trip down, does it mean they go back to the start?
Does it mean things end with only one single trip?
“What about that freckled boy of yours?”
Maybe not. Maybe, there is still a long way ahead of everyone. For his mother, family, his volleyball team; for himself. For a guy that does not know how to leave Kei alone, for God’s sake.
Kei Tsukishima doesn’t want to become someone who can’t manage his body muscles properly.
But that is not his biggest fear.