Chapter Text
Connor went home that day without so much as giving a glance at his sister or any of the other students. He got home first, anyways. So when Zoe suddenly confronted him after she got home, Connor was not particularly pleased.
"Connor, did you seriously push Evan?" Zoe asked, setting her bag down on the kitchen table. There was no greeting from her as Connor browsed the fridge, just an argument already bubbling to the top. He'd probably eat on his own today, then, because he despised family dinners after a fight.
"Him? Well, even if I did, that's none of your business," Connor said dismissively, shutting the refrigerator door without looking at her, just like Zoe didn't look at him during school. He didn't really want to start thinking about the Evan incident.
"I know you pushed him, I asked him. Can't you just say sorry or something?"
"Why?" Connor couldn't help but ask, and Zoe's face went from nearly hopeful, as if she were wishing for peace, to annoyed.
"Oh my god," His sister said in utter exasperation, now looking like she wanted to pull out her hair. "You can't just push people. Didn't you learn that in first grade?"
This time, Connor didn't say anything, and began to consider walking out of the room or even the house. Zoe's eyes were like microscopes, scrutinizing him with anger.
"I'm already getting looks in the halls because of you, and half of the school doesn't even know that you probably threw a tantrum today. Can't you just relax?"
"Well, I could relax if you could relax," Connor retorted childishly. He could sense Zoe was about to go on one of her rants, even though he knew they were a little justified.
"Why do you have to be like this?" Zoe hissed. Connor tried to relax, kind of like how she just suggested, even though he felt his hands close in loose fists. Okay, fine, he could calm down. Whatever.
"You're already beginning to mess up my reputation just by being related to me. Maybe if you actually say sorry for some of the bullshit you do, you can start acting normal!" Zoe spoke scathingly. For once, Connor couldn't find it in him to honestly, truly start to argue back.
He was just beginning to feel truly irritated, even though he was trying to be indifferent. He knew that it was his fault, but he definitely didn't need her mentioning it. Connor took a deep breath and put his fists in his pockets so Zoe couldn't see them clench harder.
"Fine, fine. Will you leave me alone if I apologize?" He said, hoping his voice didn't sound too pissy, hoping he could leave before he snapped, hoping it would appease her. He hated arguing with Zoe, because occasionally, he felt shame. Plus, she doesn't give in when they fight, as opposed to a few years ago. They were siblings and he was supposed to have her back, but he was the absolute opposite of supportive.
Zoe glared at him with something very close to hate in her eyes.
"Sure," she answered, and there was that split second where Connor knew he definitely hated how they acted around each other. He didn't know if Zoe really hated him, but it seemed so close it that it didn't make a difference if she actually did or not.
"Are you actually going to do it?" She said after a moment, looking understandably suspicious.
"Yeah." Connor lied with barely any hesitation, because he knew he probably wouldn't. Evan hadn't wanted to talk to him previously, and he probably didn't want to this time, either.
Maybe apologizing more would heal one of the many rifts in his and Zoe's relationship, but honestly, it seemed like nothing would really fix it. Evan seemed like such a nervous person, anyways, that he would probably pass out if Connor walked up to him too fast. That wouldn't be considered much of an apology, especially in Zoe's book.
It was silent for a second. Zoe didn't say anything else and the tension was thick. Connor found himself looking at the cabinets and the walls instead of her face.
Zoe almost looked like she wanted to say something else, but Connor decided to take initiative and get out.
"I have stuff to do," Connor said, and ducked out of the kitchen before he could somehow fuck up even more. He made sure not to look at his sister, and he bet she was doing the same. He realized he was tired already, after just one full day of school.
He wasn't sure how he could apologize, because it would probably be hard to pin Evan down and actually talk to him at this point. Plus, the only class he knew he had Evan in was English, and he didn't know where his locker was. He didn't even know if they had the same lunch hour, because if there was one thing Connor did well, it was not giving a single shit about everything around him.
---
Evan woke up trying to be positive. Hopefully, that fake positivity would reflect in his letter. He accidentally woke up a few minutes before his alarm rang and gave up on going back to sleep, then dragged himself out of bed. He had been staring up at his ceiling because he had read somewhere that sleeping on your stomach was bad, so Evan tried sleeping in his back instead. It felt the same.
Unplugging his phone from it's charger, he turned off his alarm. 5:56am on Tuesday, August 15th. Sometimes it was comforting to know the exact date and time. The rest of the time it was not, probably because he had a deadline of some sort.
His mom had left a text.
I had to leave early and cover for someone, but I'll still be back at regular time! :)
10:30pm, he reminded himself. His mom took online classes, but sometimes she had to physically go to her school, so she would take a shift off for that. Otherwise, Evan would see her in the kitchen late at night, on her computer with notes out and a tired look on her face. He wasn't sure how his mom pulled it all off.
He pulled his computer off of his small, cramped desk and opened it up. It asked for his password, and he typed it in slower than usual because of his cast. Normally, Evan could pride himself on being a strangely fast typist.
He opened up the document and started typing.
"Okay.. Dear. Evan. Hansen," he muttered to himself, then felt weird because saying his own name also felt weird.
Today is going to be an amazing day, and here’s why!! Because today all you have to do is just be yourself but also confident, that’s important, like easy to talk to, approachable, but mostly be yourself, like that’s number one, be yourself. Just be true to yourself. This doesn't have to be like yesterday.
Also though, don’t worry about whether your hands are going to get extremely sweaty. You can’t make it stop, no matter what you do, even though they're not gonna get sweaty. Not today. So I don’t even know why I'm bringing it up, because it’s not going to happen because all you have to do is be yourself.
He almost had the urge to type in his extremely humiliating story about going to see Zoe in jazz band but then getting really sweaty hands (the kind of sweaty hands he said he was not going to get today). He could also mention the chickening out part, but Evan decided not to include that at all. Dr. Sherman might be reading these, he can't share too many embarrassing problems.
Evan took 30 minutes getting dressed, even though for the most part all of his clothes looked the same. He had always thought of changing how he dressed, but he was afraid people would notice him trying to be "cool", and Evan didn't want attention for something like that. His mom had convinced him well enough that polos and khakis were a nice look on him (Evan's self esteem begged to differ).
Evan now had too much free time because he showered last night. After getting shampoo in his eyes the previous day, he decided showering in the morning was too stressful. Well, everything was stressful for Evan, but maybe it would help.
He spent the other 30 minutes brushing his teeth, pacing, getting his book bag ready, doing various other things, and nervously looking in the mirror. The cast on his arm and his blue shirt looked back at him.
He made sure his laptop was in his bag and put his phone in his pocket. Then he checked again to make sure, because he still had a few minutes.
---
"So, do you share any classes with your new boyfriend?" Jared asked as they trekked up to English. He had been on time and had slowed down after he nearly hit a squirrel (and after Evan threatened to throw away his pack of gum because of it).
Evan glared at Jared, but he still shrugged and mumbled an "I dunno", because he honestly didn't really know. He tried to mind his own business. Or maybe it was because he was too busy worrying about himself than to worry about exactly who was in his classes. He'd pay better attention today.
"I think he's in my math," Jared informed him.
"Um... I don't know what classes I share with him," Evan admitted.
"Hey, if you're lucky, maybe you only have English with him and that's it."
Evan rolled his eyes again, even though he was alright with not sharing his entire schedule with either of them. None of his classes after lunch had Jared in them, and Evan wasn't sure if he was relieved or a little concerned, because Jared probably would've accidentally killed himself by now without Evan around to at least try to stop him from doing stupid things.
Some of those stupid things included eating variations of soap as well as bathbombs from a Lush store on a dare, that one time he tried to do a handstand in the middle of a road in 8th grade, and trying to trip a classmate because they wouldn't give him his favorite pen back.
They entered the classroom and sat down. Thankfully their English teacher let them sit where they wanted, even though Jared had said earlier, "She's probably going to pull a dumb 'sit where you want, but we have a seating chart next week!' things."
Evan glanced around to the row where he thought Connor sat at, but he looked like he was sleeping. The bell rang, and even though teachers said there wasn't supposed to be talking after the bell, everyone did anyways.
"Hey, Evan, who do you have for study hall?"
"Uh... Ms. Fleming. Wait-wait, no that's art. I have Miss Rodriguez."
Jared gasped in offense. "Lucky! I got Mr. Mellsborne. I've got Zoe there, though!" He added, doing a lame wink that scrunched the entire right side of his face.
"Jared, I swear if you do anything-"
"Relax, Evan," Jared said, starting to smile. Evan groaned and turned around so he faced the board and not Jared, who was currently trying to force the grin off of his face.
---
Dear Evan Hansen,
Okay, turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be? That's not how things work for me, ever.
I know because there’s Zoe, and all my hope is pinned on Zoe, who I don’t even know, and doesn’t know me. Maybe if I could just talk to her more. Better than I did yesterday things would be different. Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different.
Evan finished typing his letter, filling in the last few sentences that made him feel kind of alone because they were absolutely true.
I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?
Sincerely,
Your most best and dearest friend,
Me
The printer clunked to life and started printing his paper. Evan would've gone to the library's printer, but there was a librarian there and he wanted some notion of privacy. No one supervised the computer lab full time.
Evan clicked around and checked over his documents, even though most, if not all, were from old assignments and projects. He just had that little itch in his mind that made him want to check, just in case. It was weird, but it never hurt to check things.
"Hey, is this yours?"
Evan shrieked and spun around, shutting his laptop and then nearly dropping it. Connor Murphy cleared his throat, giving him a strange, possibly understanding look, one of the most expressive faces he had seen on him other than anger. He must have zoned out so bad he didn't even notice someone else was in the room.
"What?"
"Is this yours?" Connor repeated, obviously trying to ignore the fact that Evan was so startled his hands were starting to get a little sweaty and he was looking nervous again. This is exactly what he told himself he would not be doing today. Yuck, he was going to have prints on his laptop.
Connor looked the same as he always did with his darker clothes and long hair, but he seemed like he had a different air to him today. In fact, he sort of looked out of place. Like he was unsure of how to go about things.
"Um, I think so, it might-"
"I'm pretty sure it's yours."
Evan felt embarrassed. He knew that was his paper, why did he second guess? He set down his laptop on the table behind him so he could take the paper and hopefully not drop it.
The page was face up as Connor waited and then held it to him, and then something clicked and suddenly dawned on Evan.
"Hey, I-"
"Wait, did- Did you read that?!" Evan's voice rose in panic. Connor had the same look on his face, and now Evan recognized it as either guilt or disgust.
Connor answered slowly. "...No."
Evan felt his face start to get hot and that sense of terror started to make his stomach twist and his mouth get dry. Oh god, he was screwed.
He stood, feeling like his organs were pushing up his throat because he couldn't quite breathe. He didn't know why he was shocked, he was printing at school and had probably been staring at the screen and blanking out for a full 10 minutes.
"Um, are you alright?" Connor asked, approaching him a little.
"No, you're going to tell other- Don't tell- people, please don't tell other people!" Evan nearly begged, unable to keep himself from freaking out.
"I-"
He hurriedly snatched the letter from Connor, hoping Connor wouldn't shove him again, or do something worse. Evan ardently avoided looking at Connor's face and ducked away, scrunching his shoulders up uncomfortably and moving past him. He knew Connor was saying something, but his brain was having trouble unscrambling and translating it to something he could understand.
He was glad that at least Connor didn't try to stop him.
"I'm sorry- I'm- I have to go," Evan mumbled as an excuse, even though both of them knew he didn't have to. Last hour was only beginning. Turning tail and darting out of the open door, his panic nearly lighting his feet on fire, Evan escaped into the nearest bathroom.
When he got into the bathroom, looking down at the ugly tiles, he clenched his fists so he could focus on that instead of wanting to cry. God, he's such a loser.
He was so pathetic. It was the second day of school and he was already on the verge of an attack. Alright, alright, maybe he could do this. He'd stay here until the end of the day and then just get a ride with Jared like he did yesterday.
The paper was now crumpled into his hand, and Evan stared at it, wondering why he actually thought printing at school or writing himself a letter was a good idea. Oh yeah. It wasn't his idea in the first place.
He felt frustrated and afraid. Frustrated because he couldn't handle himself, frustrated because things were already going wrong and he felt stuck, but afraid because Connor had read it. He saw everything.
The infamous Connor Murphy, the Connor that could tell Zoe and ruin any chance he had, or somehow spread a rumor to other people. The Connor that could see into his thoughts and know that he was as pitiful as he looked and felt, because he had seen a whiney journal entry.
He unclenched his fist and looked at the creases of the page and the generic font of his own words. Then he noticed that the text printed was strangely spaced, and various parts were missing. The printer malfunctioned, or maybe a glitch happened. Something like relief washed over him, even though it disappeared soon after. Connor hadn't read the part about Zoe or some other sentences because the printer skipped over it.
It read,
Dear Evan Hansen,
Okay, turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going
because why would it be? That's not how things work, ever.
who I don’t even know, and doesn’t know me. Maybe if I could just talk
nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different.
I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to
anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?
Sincerely,
Your most best and dearest friend,
Embarrassment and worry still rose in his throat like bile as he looked at the piece of proof that showed how stupid and messed up he was, even if it was missing sentences.
Evan tore the paper up, ensuring all of the scraps went into the garbage can. He didn't want to see it ever again after this.
---
Connor ended up not apologizing in English, and even though he noticed Evan in his science class (directly after First Hour & Naptime™), he was too far away to actually say anything. Plus, his science teacher was kind of an asshole, even if he was rumored to give out extra credit.
Connor had just been skipping his last two periods of the day, because even if it was only the second day, he didn't care that much at this point. Last hour social studies was not normally a particularity fun class, and his study hall hour had little to no consequences if he wasn't there. He hadn't been paying much attention, but then he noticed the printer and picked up the only page on the machine.
Connor had expected to see some essay or lesson plan, not some weird diary-like paper. It started out with a simple Dear Evan Hansen, and for some reason he just kept reading, even though he was pretty certain he knew who the paper belonged to, or at least addressed to. Maybe it was just some assignment, given to some poor soul on only the second day.
Its words something about it that stuck to him, so he read on.
The paper had blank sections, but he doubted someone would make their page like that on purpose. He wondered why this paper existed in the first place, but for some reason, a few of the parts struck a chord, even if they were close to incoherent.
The page went on before it blanked and ended. Something about how the emotions were expressed stuck with him a little, in a way that wasn't quite good or bad. He shook it off and glanced around to see if it's owner was around. He was.
Connor remembered very vividly the look of absolute horror and shame on Evan’s face, and then him realizing that he probably- Well, definitely- shouldn't have read it, even if he wasn't particularity judgemental about... Whatever it was.
He had tried to apologize and maybe even tell him that the printer probably fucked up, but soon the other boy started talking over him and working himself up. Evan had grabbed the paper and fled.
He had pushed past Connor and disappeared so fast out of the room that the only way Connor knew he had been there was his laptop, left on the table behind him.
Well, shit.
He hadn’t known how to react. Evan had slipped through his fingers, because somehow, Connor couldn’t try to apologize for something he did without fucking it up. Christ, he should've just left that paper on the printer. He also probably should have tried to say something earlier in the day, too. Now he stood alone in the lab.
Zoe would probably get mad, or worse, rat him out if she found out. His mother would give him a concerned but stern lecture, but Larry would just shout at him or try not to act as disappointed as he actually was to his face.
He didn't know why he was hoping and trying to be nice and a good person at this point.
Okay, fine. Maybe he could try again tomorrow to redeem himself. If Evan even went within 30 feet of him. The guy would need his laptop back, anyways, and someone would probably steal it if Connor didn't take it himself.
He ignored that nagging little thought that told him that that reading the letter wasn't right, even though it was kind of true.