Chapter Text
Selfish. Irresponsible. Dangerous.
That's how he's felt every time he's let himself have it: her comfort, strength and undying support.
From the very first time he saw her in a dimly lit office at the top of his father's legacy, carving out a smile in his all-too-still lips with her endearing words. To the burst of joy surprisingly lighting up his being with a red pen between cherry lips that spoke free and truthful thoughts. All up to this moment, with her soft caress over his once-marked skin, the warmth of their union still resounding in both of them, carefree joy passing through in clear eyes and wide grins.
Every moment in her presence has been revealing, further drawing him to her. Every tilt of her head and widening of her eyes, flurry of words past entrancing lips, and straightening of her back in determination.
He's been distracted and fascinated by the depth of Felicity, with every new fact uncovered and catalogued under the endless map engraved in his mind. For quite a while he even tried his hardest to suppress the part of him that yearned for more, terrified of getting lost in it, become caught up with longing, want and need, and everything he couldn't and shouldn't let himself have; everything he didn't deserve –probably still doesn't, but has stopped fighting.
But, as established, more often than not, he is selfish, self-destructive, weak. Somehow, willingly or not, he's fallen time and again down the path traced by everything that is Felicity.
He could lie and say it was simply for the sake of judging how much he could trust her, how far she'd go along with his crusade. But there always was less study and more relishing in her presence.
In the darkness of his first months back, her voice and cheerful demeanour through it all had been a welcomed breath of fresh air. Soon he'd found himself taking comfort and everything he needed in her: a nod in assurance before going forth with a mission; a breathless gasp at his physical strength; words of encouragement when he felt like a failure. Treacherous smiles appeared on his face, and a foreign warmth seeped into his body; until soon enough, they were his new normal. One that anchored him and guided him in his way, as much as he hoped their team and him in a way were doing for her.
When the shadow of death and hurt that he seemed to bring over himself and anyone close to him fell over her as well, he'd desperately tried to be somewhat of a safe harbour for her as well. He did not felt as steady and grounding as she's always been, but when the strength within her eyes wavered in fear and self-doubt, he'd reached out. A hand on her shoulder showing his presence and open ear when a first life was lost before her eyes. A shadowed silhouette across her apartment, keeping a watchful eye on her haunted self after she'd been taken on the field. The promised bottle of wine after the count almost took her away for good; wandering conversations and faraway memories shared to fill the shadowy corners of her mind; drowning the guilt of his hand on making them so.
He'd judged his success in the glint in her eyes and thankful smiles, the comfortableness building between them showing that maybe, just maybe they could be what brought each other comfort in their best and worst times.
And so with time he'd relaxed his defences, let everything she made him feel and think seep into his being until happiness and that sense of companionship came as easily as breathing. And after struggles, walls rebuilt and then cracked open, he'd completely surrendered to being the Oliver Queen he wants, openly and irrefutably in love with Felicity Smoak. Terrifyingly vulnerable in his wanting and having of her in his life in every capacity, reigning in fears of his toxicity, his lack of worth, him not being enough.
And right here, right now, with her fingers drawing wandering lines on the back of his shoulder, a pleasant humming sound leaving her lips, he smiles at the thought that this may be more than enough for both of them. That the happiness painted in her beautiful features, and surely reflected in his once-worried lines, can be a constant thing built between them, in spite of him and everything he carries with him.
And that comfort he'd so desperately clawed to hold onto with and from her –first full of remorse and trepidation, then turned into excitement and gratefulness– has become a state of ease and relief made of them both, coming together, come rain or come shine. One he vows to cherish and sustain for as long as his heart beats in his chest, for him and her both.