Chapter Text
11:35 A.M.
el leon: so the dog’s alive
el leon: but the question is
el leon: is yuri alive?
peach-eat: u think yakov would kill him?
el leon: it’s possible
popupbitch: hell no its not
popupbitch: yakov couldnt kill anything
popupbitch: one time he made mila kill a spider in his office
dance(a$$): you didn’t wanna kill the spider, Georgi?
popupbitch: excuse me
popupbitch: its a spider
popupbitch: it wouldve killed me first
el leon: fair
11:41 A.M.
yuri katsudon: I’m alive
peach-eat: YAY
yuri katsudon: And I can skate without Victor
peach-eat: FUCK YEAH U CAN BBY
yuri katsudon: I don’t want people thinking that all of my skill is from him
dance(a$$): only like 5%
dance(a$$): maybe 10%
el leon: shut up yuri people are skating
yuri katsudon: I’m skating today too…
el leon: yeah and so are other people
el leon: you aren’t special
yuri katsudon: Who shit in your cornflakes, Jesus Christ
peach-eat: OOOOH YURI ROAST EM
2:18 P.M.
peach-eat: is anyone else seeing this
peach-eat: rinkside
peach-eat: like
peach-eat: jj is standing real close to yurio
yuri katsudon: No worries
yuri katsudon: Yurio will punch him if he gets uppity
el leon: bitch yurio will punch him if he breathes too loud
popupbitch: itd be a blessing to witness
dance(a$$): amen
2:22 P.M.
peach-eat: first upppp
peach-eat: emilllll
the real pewdiepie: lmao wish me luck
el leon: dude you’re currently rinkside
hollywoodhong: How are you on your phone??
the real pewdiepie: my coach has no control over me
peach-eat: you beautiful blessed little man
popupbitch: the fuck
popupbitch: yakov has never trusted me that much
popupbitch: its been forty years
el leon: georgi you’re 27
popupbitch: I know
2:24 P.M.
el leon: dude he’s doing real well
el leon: those jumps are INSANE
el leon: how has no one noticed him before????
peach-eat: wha u mean
el leon: like
el leon: he’s not famous
popupbitch: when did he debut
peach-eat: idkkkkk
crispiNO: WHAT KIND OF MEN DOES SARA LOVE?
hollywoodhong: Mickey?
crispiNO: IS IT SEXY CZECH MEN WHO SMILE AND LAUGH TOO MUCH?
peach-eat: sexy
peach-eat: oh my god he’s gay
peach-eat: gay for Emil
dance(a$$): who isn’t?
peach-eat: oh yeah high five
dance(a$$): I can’t high five you online
peach-eat: ur not trying hard enough
crispiNO: OR MOODY JAPANESE MEN WHO LOOK LIKE CLOSET PERVS?
popupbitch: i have never heard yuri katsuki described so accurately
popupbitch: can we keep this guy?
peach-eat: no get fuckt
peach-eat: that’s not nice
peach-eat: yuri is sweet and innocent
popupbitch: he is not
crispiNO: NONE OF THEM ARE GOOD ENOUGH FOR SARA
hollywoodhong: Are you having a meltdown??
el leon: oooh nope emil is having the meltdown
el leon: fell during the combo
2:26 P.M.
peach-eat: nice final pose
popupbitch: looks like he hurt his knee
peach-eat: tru
dance(a$$): wait wait what’s wrong with Mickey
popupbitch: well sara is up here with me and mila, if that clears anything up
dance(a$$): you’re AT THE EVENT?
popupbitch: im fucking russian
popupbitch: you think i wouldnt go?
popupbitch: its in my backyard
dance(a$$): oh my gosh wait shut up
dance(a$$): I think Mickey Crispino is actually cute
dance(a$$): I think???
dance(a$$): guys???
el leon: he’s got pretty eyes
the real pewdiepie: mickey is kind of a dick
peach-eat: EMIL PLZ
yuri katsudon: I think it’s the purple outfit
yuri katsudon: It makes him look tanner
dance(a$$): oooh good thoughts, Yuri, good thoughts
el leon: this choreo is like
el leon: REALLY familiar
peach-eat: y tho
yuri katsudon: I agree
yuri katsudon: I feel like I’ve skated it…
yuri katsudon: Like, at least twelve times.
popupbitch: thats oddly specific
el leon: is he wearing an untied bow tie
el leon: he looks like he just left mormon prom
dance(a$$): Mormon prom?
el leon: oh holy fuck you guys aren’t americans
el leon: oh my god
2:26
popupbitch: its mesmerizing
popupbitch: and kind of cute
hollywoodhong: What is…
popupbitch: crispino
popupbitch: hes skating for love <3
el leon: GEORGI I’M CHOKING
el leon: WHAT THE ACTUALY FCUK
dance(a$$): awwwww Georgi you’re so cuuuute
el leon: oh fuck yeah mickey is cute
peach-eat: ha
the real pewdiepie: MICKEY IS SO TALENTED
the real pewdiepie: BRO
the real pewdiepie: I’M CRYING
the real pewdiepie: I THINK I’M CRYING
the real pewdiepie: OH MY GOD
hollywoodhong: Emil are you okay??
the real pewdiepie: NO
popupbitch: update
popupbitch: sara just ran off and mila stared after her
popupbitch: it was gay
peach-eat: u would kno
popupbitch: fuck off
dance(a$$): oh shit Mickey’s in first place
2:29 P.M.
crispiNO: I think Sara is into Seunggil Lee
el leon: well that’s too fuckin bad because he’s gay
crispiNO: …are you fucking kidding me?
dance(a$$): no
crispiNO: are any of you NOT fucking gay?
dance(a$$): no
peach-eat: SEUNGGIL BABY
peach-eat: YOU ALMOST FELL
popupbitch: phichit shut the fuck up already
peach-eat: NO
peach-eat: I’M GONNA CLIMB THAT BOY LIKE A TREE
2:33 P.M.
el leon: ooooh seunggil is in third
hollywoodhong: Poor baby ;c
yuri katsudon: He’s crying.
peach-eat: REALLY?
yuri katsudon: Yeah…
peach-eat: YURI DON’T BREAK MY HEART LIKE THIS
el leon: shhhh
el leon: shh
el leon: plisetsky is up
peach-eat: oh SHIT
peach-eat: that outfit is FIRE
el leon: LITERALLY
peach-eat: FIYAAAAAAAHHH
el leon: shut up
peach-eat: srry
dance(a$$): oh my GOD look at him go
hollywoodhong: He’s so pretty!!!!
dance(a$$): look at his hair
popupbitch: hes putting six jumps in the second half
hollywoodhong: WHAT?!?
dance(a$$): that’s suicide
dance(a$$): even for this little demon
el leon: …
el leon: did
el leon: did he just scream
peach-eat: shithead?
peach-eat: yeah
popupbitch: twenty bucks says he was talkin to jj
yuri katsudon: I think Yurio has a crush on JJ
peach-eat: OH HELL YEAH
peach-eat: ENEMIES TO LOVERS AU
peach-eat: MY FAVORITE
popupbitch: oh my god lilia is crying
yuri katsudon: Georgi?
popupbitch: yes yuri
yuri katsudon: Can we get REALLY drunk after this?
yuri katsudon: I think I’m gonna need it
popupbitch: for you yuri?
popupbitch: anything
2:37 P.M.
hollywoodhong: HE’S IN FIRST PLACE
hollywoodhong: YURIO NO
dance(a$$): oh shiiiiit
dance(a$$): yuri looks fucking depressed
popupbitch: look at him
popupbitch: havent seen dark circles like that since i looked in the mirror this morning
el leon: damn georgi
el leon: self-burn
dance(a$$): okay but isn’t yuri katsuki a beautiful, beautiful man?
popupbitch: yes
hollywoodhong: Yes <3333
dance(a$$): ooooh yuri no
tigrrfashion: HE MISSED THE COMBO
tigrrfashion: YURI NOOOOO
tigrrfashion: THAT FUCKING PIG IS RUINING EVERYTHING
el leon: oh hey yurio
tigrrfashion: DON’T HEY ME
tigrrfashion: TELL KATSUDON TO GET HIS FUCKING ACT TOGETHER
tigrrfashion: HE LOOKS LIKE AN IDIOT
dance(a$$): I bet he’s havin the gay flashbacks
popupbitch: anxiety?
dance(a$$): yeah same dif
popupbitch: hes trying his best
el leon: georgi they just panned the camera past you
el leon: you look like you’re in love
popupbitch: hes my fucking friend okay
el leon: jeez sorry
the real pewdiepie: hey why is Katsuki looking so constipated
dance(a$$): victor’s not there
crispiNO: He looks like he’s gonna fucking cry
el leon: he might
the real pewdiepie: aw he touched down
the real pewdiepie: bad luck, bro
tigrrfashion: HE JUST LAID DOWN ON THE ICE LIKE AN ASSHOLE
the real pewdiepie: oh hey it’s Plisetky
tigrrfashion: …who let you fucks in here?
crispiNO: Respect your elders, brat!
tigrrfashion: WIN SOME MEDALS AND MAYBE I WILL, FUCKASS
hollywoodhong: third place :o
hollywoodhong: He’s in third place
the real pewdiepie: fuck
dance(a$$): fuuuuuuck
popupbitch: and you know what that means
el leon: FUUUUUCK
2:45 P.M.
hollywoodhong: THIS PROGRAM IS EVEN WORSE
hollywoodhong: HE LOOKS LIKE A BROCCOLI
dance(a$$): WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH THIS BOY’S COSTUMES???
el leon: first jump is a quad fuck him
popupbitch: “a new prince in the figure skating world”
popupbitch: end my suffering
dance(a$$): three quads so far
dance(a$$): he’s such an ass
yuri katsudon: I can just hear his internal monologue
peach-eat: ughhh
dance(a$$): FOUR QUADS
el leon: fuck jj
2:48 P.M.
el leon: …
el leon: he took first
el leon: yurio is second
el leon: mickey is third…
el leon: then yuri
el leon: fuck
el leon: but he makes it to the gpf
2:55 P.M.
peach-eat: so
peach-eat: now we have our 6 GPF finalists
peach-eat: DRUM ROLL PLZ
hollywoodhong: *drum rolling*
peach-eat: thnx bby
peach-eat: CHRISTOPHE GIACOMETTI
dance(a$$): thank you, thank you!! ( ﾟ▽ﾟ)/
peach-eat: OTABEK ALTIN
peach-eat: JJ LEROY
el leon: get fukt
peach-eat: YOUR OWN LOCAL HERO
peach-eat: PHICHIT CHULANONT
peach-eat: RUSSIA’S FAIRY, YURI PLISETSKY
peach-eat: AND THE BEAUTIFUL
peach-eat: THE ETHEREAL
peach-eat: THE EVER KIND AND SWEET AND AWKWARD
peach-eat: YURI KATSUKI
peach-eat: YAAAAAYYY!!
2:57 P.M.
crispiNO: YURI FUCKING KATSUKI JUST HUGGED SARA
crispiNO: AND THEN ME
the real pewdiepie: dude chill it was cute
the real pewdiepie: I hugged him too
the real pewdiepie: he was warm!
the real pewdiepie: and he just got Seunggil
peach-eat: YURI U HUGGED MY MAN
the real pewdiepie: and JJ, holy fuck bro
the real pewdiepie: oh my GOD he’s chasing Plisetsky down the hall
the real pewdiepie: ahahahahahahahhaahha
the real pewdiepie: he looks dead inside
el leon: don’t dead open inside
the real pewdiepie: YES
the real pewdiepie: BRO
the real pewdiepie: YOU GET IT
6:12 P.M.
tigrrfashion: ANY RUMORS YOU HEAR ABOUT ME SHARING MY GRANDPA’S PIROSHKI WITH KATSUDON
tigrrfashion: THEY’RE LIES
tigrrfashion: COMPLETE LIES
tigrrfashion: I HATE HIS FUCKING GUTS
dance(a$$): oh baby
dance(a$$): yuri already video chatted with us
dance(a$$): we already knew
tigrrfashion: FUCK OFF
tigrrfashion: I HATE YOU GUYS
11:49 P.M.
peach-eat added mini-me
mini-me: hey???
mini-me: uhhh
mini-me: so
peach-eat: MINAMI
mini-me: HI PHICHIT
mini-me: I’M SCARED FOR MY LIFE
peach-eat: WHAT BBY WHY???
mini-me: I’m wearing all black and it’s night and I’m on the street
mini-me: it’s dangerous
mini-me: there’s a single car here and I’m scared!!
el leon: where
mini-me: in hasetsu!
el leon: dude why
mini-me: I watch the competitions at katsuki-senpai’s house!
el leon: with his parents?
mini-me: they cook for me!
mini-me: oh god…
mini-me: it’s some weird person on their ipad watching something
mini-me: why would they come here to watch something???
mini-me: they’re alone
popupbitch: theyre probably watching porn
el leon: where’s the wifi
popupbitch: walk up and knock on the window
popupbitch: youll either die or see someone masturbating
popupbitch: so it’s win win
mini-me: both their hands are above the table
mini-me: they’re not in a car!
hollywoodhong: oh
mini-me: they’re in the park
mini-me: and now I’m some sketchy skater kid wearing all black loitering around on their phone!!!
mini-me: all of the rules are being broken
mini-me: both of us are going to be arrested
popupbitch: cool
el leon: get arrested no balls
hollywoodhong: did you bring anything???
mini-me: …my virginity
popupbitch: okay
mini-me: but I’m not leaving with it!
peach-eat: are you gonna fuck the darkness
el leon: go talk to “watches porn but doesn’t masturbate” guy
mini-me: it’s called a joke, leo!
mini-me: no wtf
mini-me: who watches porn without masturbating
mini-me: it isn’t a human being
dance(a$$): maybe he’s watching it for the plot
peach-eat: or the memes
el leon: dude minami what happened
el leon: you got funny all of a sudden
el leon: i’m proud
mini-me: I THINK HE LOOKED OVER HERE
popupbitch: go give him your virginity
mini-me: update: he has a dog!!
el leon: GIVE IT TO THE DOG
mini-me: update: there’s a weird van idling
mini-me: it just pulled up
mini-me: update: weird guy is being weird in the passenger’s seat of his car
mini-me: and now he’s back in the park
mini-me: he’s carrying the dog?
mini-me: it was all limp and weird??
mini-me: update: he left
mini-me: but the van is still here
el leon: wow you’re gonna die tonight
mini-me: there’s a nerf gun
popupbitch: where
popupbitch: are you sure its not a real gun
mini-me: and now they’re gone
dance(a$$): well
dance(a$$): message us if you die okay?
mini-me: okay
12:10 A.M.
yuri katsudon: Hey, Minami?
yuri katsudon: Victor just texted me and said he saw you in the park.
yuri katsudon: He didn’t remember your name so he didn’t say hi…
yuri katsudon: Also he was watching back the Rostelecom Cup.
yuri katsudon: He missed it, in the vet’s office.
yuri katsudon: He wanted me to tell you, for some reason.
el leon: OH MY GOD IT WAS VICTOR
dance(a$$): OOOHHHHHH MY GOD
dance(a$$): I’M CRYING
el leon: I HAVE NEVER LAUGHED THIS HARD IN MY FUCKING LIFE
el leon: OH MY GOD MINAMI
el leon: OH MY GOD
mini-me left the group
2:21 A.M.
the real pewdiepie: you know, yurio likes to pretend he’s edgy
the real pewdiepie: and jj thinks he’s such hot shit
the real pewdiepie: and so does mickey
the real pewdiepie: but like
the real pewdiepie: at the end of the day
the real pewdiepie: we’re all fuckin ice skating, man
the real pewdiepie: twinkle toes
the real pewdiepie: it’s worse than ballet bc it’s fucking cold as shit
the real pewdiepie: and we wear way more sparkles
the real pewdiepie: it’s not edgy or cool
the real pewdiepie: we’re fucking lame ass ice dancers
the real pewdiepie: I’ve cried twice today
the real pewdiepie: once because a sequin fell off my outfit and once because mickey said my goatee was lopsided
the real pewdiepie: we need to pipe the fuck down
peach-eat: are you drunk
the real pewdiepie: frankly I’m offended that you had to ask
the real pewdiepie: of course
the real pewdiepie: I just got booted out of the grand prix series
peach-eat: emil i love you