Chapter Text
Evan's breathing has steadied more by the time they get to the orchard, the throbbing pounding in his head has subdued. During the drive, he had clung to Zoe's hand as if she were a life preserver and he was drowning in deep waters. Somewhere, in between her touch and the soothing consistency of the car engine, he began to relax a trace amount.
Pulling the car into a space, Zoe switches the headlights off. There's no other cars in the parking lot; they're completely alone. It isn't until the engine turns off that Evan is aware of just how quiet and peaceful it is. He hasn't been to the orchard in at least two years now and nothing, much to his relief, has significantly changed.
Climbing out of the car, their footsteps are audible against the gravel parking lot. Everything looks torn out of a magazine; the dark trees against the pink sky, the clouds billowing above them in swirling patterns, the blue twilight enveloping them in it's own type of embrace.
Getting away from everything is calming for both of them and their distracted minds. Zoe points her finger at the sky, comments on how aesthetic it is. Evan nods; he sees the sky but his eyes linger far longer on Zoe's face as she observes it. The way that the evening light is shadowing her features, the reflection of the sky in her eyes.
Stepping into the grassy orchard, Zoe takes her shoes off, leaving them behind, telling Evan she'll come back for them but right now she just wants to feel the grass beneath her feet. It's warm and damp and blissfully comfortable compared to the stiffness of shoes.
Entering the rows and paths of trees, Evan runs his fingers against the veined leaves that hang low and the course bark of the sturdy trees. Touching nature, feeling it in his hands is always calming for him. Nature works wonders for the soul.
It also clears his head, enough for him to say, "I think we need to talk...again..."
Zoe ruefully smiles over at him. "We should, shouldn't we?"
-
The one text that Evan sent from the driveway of the Murphy's was enough for Heidi to understand the context of the dinner at once. The text simply read:
'You were right it's never going to work'
Heidi chews her lower lip, reads the text over and over again. It's getting late, about eight o'clock, but with any luck, the Murphy's won't turn her away at the doorstep. Zoe is with Evan and Heidi trusts the fact that they're going to stay out and talk for a while.
Long enough for me to speak to the Murphy's, she decides.
If Cynthia is surprised to see Heidi on the other side of the door, she does her best to not show it. "Hi there."
Heidi mildly replies, "I hope this isn't a bad time."
"Not at all...come on in."
-
"So tell me about Connor," Zoe finally says, leaning back against the tree. Whether she's is ready or not to talk about Connor, it has to be dealt with and she is more than ready to have all of the cards on the table.
Evan takes his time answering and she does not rush him. Toying with the blades of grass between his fingertips, Evan begins to find the words he's looking for. "He's always kind of...there...the one person we really didn't talk about when deciding to get back together."
"Does everything always have to be about him?" Zoe tries not to sound desperate but it's hard not to. Living in Connor's shadow is one fate she longs to escape from.
"That's the thing," Evan replies, slowly and gradually unravelling his own thoughts, "Maybe our relationship feels impossible because...we haven't accepted some aspects of it."
Zoe understands him, piecing together the things that he is both saying and not saying. "Accepting aspects," she repeats before adding, "We've repressed and tried to forget so many things that we haven't actually accepted some things for just...being there."
"Like Connor, for instance."
"Like Connor."
-
Cynthia fiddles with the spoon in her coffee cup, swirling it around repetitively. "I really am sorry if we made Evan uncomfortable. Larry and I were just so surprised. Those two have an...impressive history."
Heidi answers, "Our families have history." With a small shrug and a rueful smile, she goes on, "Name a family that doesn't."
Cynthia manages to smile slightly at Heidi, her shoulders relaxing a fraction. "Heidi, Larry and I...we do care a lot about Evan. Despite all that happened, he still helped us to heal and move forward. It wasn't the best way to do it but...at least it worked."
There's a pause. Heidi brings her coffee cup to her lips, watching attentively as Cynthia says with immense hesitation, "Evan is a good person, I know that. I know that he worships my daughter and she loves him probably more than she loves anyone else. I suppose there's a connection and a bond that forms when two people experience an event together. Even though they were on different worlds during that...time in our lives...they'll always have that history between them."
Heidi studies Cynthia's face; the face of a woman who has endured much loss and pain and is trying to mend the broken pieces together. Looking into Cynthia's eyes is like looking into a mirror.
"Our families talk a lot about history when the only thing that really matters is the future."
-
Tears form watercolours in Zoe's eyes; she dries her eyes on her palms, exhaling shakily.
To cry the unshed tears over all of those years and over all of the things that have happened. To let go of all her resentment. To let everything wash away with the salty tears that spill down her cheeks.
She did not cry when Connor died. She did not cry when Evan confessed. She did not cry when she saw her world crumbling around her in a million broken pieces. She had not let herself; she had felt that crying would be acceptance that they happened.
Acceptance. It's a fresh word in her mind. She and Evan had fought back the knowledge that acceptance is the only way to move forward.
Forgiveness has helped immensely; forgiveness over everything and understanding.
Yet they'd still been in denial over it all and denial is no way to live.
Evan's lips brush against her hair as he murmurs something that she can't quite discern. Leaning against his shoulder, Zoe hears his own ragged breathing, feels his own tears dampen her hair.
Zoe's tears come to a stop; she cannot find any more to shed even if she wanted to.
Instead of feeling exhausted, depressed or hollowed out, she feels cathartic. Completely and utterly cathartic. Years of pent up agony have finally spilled out and come to fruition and finally she and Evan can face the facts.
"So," she says, momentarily at a loss for words.
He is in the same position. "So..."
Zoe manages to sit up and face him. In the dim light, everything looks blue, as if they're trapped inside of the sky. Zoe comments on this and Evan smiles, a genuine one that makes her smile too.
"Acceptance," Zoe says, rolling the word off of her tongue. "Acceptance..."
The awareness of their past, not the denial. It's always going to be there, but ignoring it only would have made it bigger. It would have been that thought in the back of their minds, the repression of the truth. Forgiveness and acceptance finally make the much needed link into the chain of their relationship. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting the past, acceptance doesn't mean holding on to it and dwelling on it.
It happened. There's no denying it. And it is painful.
But it is not impossible.
"The past is staying there and we won't ignore it but we aren't going backwards. And now...we're going forwards." As Zoe says this, Evan tangles his fingers in her's, just as they always do. Their fingers interlock perfectly.
Evan is caught between hope and the belief that it might just be too good to be true. "Are you sure that this will work?"
Zoe pauses, her eyes holding his apprehensive gaze. "I really think it will, Evan. This is different than before. We aren't running away anymore."
"Well...thank god because I hate running," Evan replies, pure relief running through him, the burning tension finally letting him go. Doubts will come up again, he's sure of it, but he's saved this conversation and this moment to his memory so he can replay it to abate those whispering fears.
And Zoe laughs, her cheerful laugh that makes her eyes sparkle and look as though they are lighting up the night all on their own.
-
"Every single day, I wake up and ask myself how I will keep moving forward." Cynthia glances at Heidi briefly. "That sounds ridiculous. It's been years since Connor...passed away." Saying it aloud is still too fresh of a wound. "Larry and I are trying to change things for the better. Be there for each other more. He still feels so guilty. I think seeing Evan tonight reminded him of Connor again."
"Evan told me that Larry took a fatherly interest in him."
"He thought he could be a father figure for Evan, the one that he wasn't for Connor. I honestly believe that he still wants that. Larry puts up these walls and barriers to block the world out and so have I. That's why we worry so much about Zoe. We don't want her to get hurt the way that we have and turn out like us...I know that every parent says that but it's true."
It's getting dark in the kitchen now. Cynthia doesn't bother to flick the light on. It seems easier to talk in the dark anyway, when everything has faded edges and nothing is sharp and unforgiving.
Heidi's coffee has gone cold but she doesn't notice. "As a mother, I know we both want the best for our kids. Even if our kids are twenty."
"Of course."
Heidi continues, "I was talking to Evan last night and I can see just how much they love each other. And I firmly believe that we need to trust them on this. We've raised strong kids, kids that are strong enough to take care of themselves and each other."
Cynthia seems to take comfort from this; she nods, her silent but resonating consent to Zoe and Evan's relationship. Satisfied, Heidi outstretches her hand and rests it on Cynthia's arm. "It's getting late and I don't want to keep you and Larry up. Thanks for the coffee and the talk."
As she gets up from the table, Cynthia tells her, "We should do this again sometime. If you're comfortable with that."
Heidi turns to face Cynthia, aware of her lips twitching upwards into a smile. "I'd like that."
-
Evan's lips are warm and tender as he leans across her body and presses kisses along her neck, his fingertips gently caressing her face and hair. Zoe lays back comfortably in the grass, wrapping her arms around his neck snugly and pulling him closer to her.
It's almost completely dark out by now but the orchard is lit by the teasing presence of a crescent moon peeking above the treetops. Breathing in the sweet, fresh air mixed with Evan's soft scent, Zoe wonders if it's possible to save a moment in time.
"Evan?"
"Yes?"
"I love you, Evan Hansen."
"I love you too, Zoe Murphy."