Chapter Text
At about the same time as Creekwood sophomores and juniors were walking out of the school play, a new Facebook status from Bram Greenfeld went live:
I’m gay. This is not someone else writing this as a joke (which would not be funny, for the record). This is me, Bram, saying that I am gay.
I want to say first, to the person who I’ve hurt: This isn’t about you. I’m not doing this for you. I’m doing this for me. Because I need to. I am sick of pretending to be someone I am not. I’m not good at doing hard, awkward things, and I’ve put this off for too long. I’m gay. I won’t pretend otherwise anymore. This is me.
Now this part is for the person who I’ve hurt: I’m sorry that I was ever anything but completely honest but you. You almost always put yourself completely out there with me, and I wish that I had done better. But I didn’t want to mess up what we had. I was wrong.
I wish we had both done things differently, but we didn’t. So we’re here. But I don’t want to stay here. I want there to be more than this for us. I think there really could be, if we tried. I sincerely do.
But I do understand if you don’t feel the same way, anymore.
You know how to reach me. I’m here, if you want to.
**
Bram’s phone felt like it weighed a hundred pounds in his pocket.
He had posted that status about twenty minutes ago. It was live on the internet. All of his Facebook friends could see it. The whole school was going to see it.
What had he just done? Was it too late to delete it?
Yes. Yes, it really was. And he had done it for a reason, he reminded himself.
He had decided not to check his phone until he hit the half-hour mark, and had turned off his Facebook notifications.
He’d been trying to work on his English homework, but well, you could guess how well that was going.
When his watch indicated that 27 minutes had passed since he’d posted it, he gave in and got out his phone.
Twenty-two people had liked his status so far. He clicked to see who.
A few guys from the soccer team (he felt a wave of relief). Garrett. A couple of people from his middle school in Savannah. Mostly Creekwood people he knew only a little or not very well at all.
Abby Suso.
Abby Suso.
He stared at her name for several moments. She had seen his status, which meant she had to have told Simon, right? Right?
He put his phone away. He would look in another ten minutes.
He gave up at six minutes and checked again.
Now, there were twenty-six likes. The first new name that stood out to him was Nick Eisner.
But he forgot all about that when he saw the last name on the list.
Simon Spier.
Simon had liked his post.
Simon had liked his post.
Deep breaths.
But he hadn’t commented or anything. Bram opened a new tab on his laptop for Gmail. Nothing there either.
Okay. Deep breaths.
Patience. Simon had been the most recent person to like the post. It could have been literally thirty seconds ago.
Patience. Calm.
His heartbeat paid him no mind.
His stomach, either.
He had put his phone back in his pocket for all of five seconds (resolving to actually wait ten minutes before checking anything this time) when it rang.
It rang.
He picked it up slowly, like it would explode if he reached for it too fast.
“Hello?”
“Hi,” Simon said.
“Hi,” Bram said.
“I, uh, I was gonna text you. But. Um. I feel like what you put on Facebook deserved a little more than that, so…”
“Oh,” Bram said.
There was a beat of silence.
“So, look,” Simon said. “I am…really freaking sorry for how I reacted today at lunch. That wasn’t – I shouldn’t have –”
“It’s fine,” Bram said, though he was not sure that it really was.
“No, it’s not,” Simon said. “I didn’t really let you get a word in. It’s just – I was – I was surprised. Which I guess I shouldn’t have been.”
“I should have told you,” Bram said. “I should have – I wanted to, but…”
“But?” Simon asked.
“But...I don’t really know,” Bram said. He took a deep breath. “I was afraid, I guess. That I wasn’t going to be who you wanted me to be.”
“You’re who I want you to be,” Simon said, and Bram felt his heart twist. The weird feeling in his stomach didn’t go away, but shifted into something different entirely.
“You’re who I want you to be, too,” Bram said.
He heard Simon exhale, and it truly occurred to him for the first time that Simon might have been in doubt of that.
What a concept.
Another moment went by. Simon was probably taking it in, just as Bram was.
“Are you at home now?” Simon asked.
“Yeah.”
“I’m still at school. You want to…meet me somewhere?”
“Where do you have in mind?”
**
They decided to go to a Starbucks, of all places.
Yes, really. Either of their houses would be too awkward, and it was cold outside. It was neutral territory.
Bram got there before Simon. He wavered back and forth over whether it would be overboard, but he ordered him an Oreo cappuccino. Like a loser, he even paid the extra 50 cents for extra Oreo crumbles.
What? It was January. Like he said, it was cold outside.
About thirty seconds after Bram had picked up their drinks, Simon walked in, his face flushed from the cold and maybe something else.
He spotted Bram right away and walked toward the table he had claimed in the corner.
“Hey,” he said, sitting down.
“Hey.”
“Is this for me?” Simon gestured to the drink closest to his side.
“Yeah,” Bram said. “It’s an oreo cappuccino.”
Simon looked up quickly, and his smile was so wide that it made Bram smile too.
“Really?” Simon asked.
“Yes.”
Simon laughed, his head even tilting back.
Making Simon laugh still felt pretty good.
Even better than it did before, actually.
“So…” Simon said. “I meant to say it on the phone, but that Facebook thing was really freaking brave of you.”
“Thanks.”
“No, seriously,” Simon said. “Like…some people are gonna give you some shit for that."
“I know,” Bram said. He’d been trying not to think about it. “But I just needed to.”
“I get that,” Simon said. “I wish…I wish I’d been able to do it like that. On my own terms, you know.”
And they had hit the hard part.
“Why weren’t you – what happened?” Bram asked.
Simon looked at his lap, then looked up and let out a long sigh. “It’s a long story.”
“Oh,” Bram said. “Um, okay.”
Simon was quiet for a moment. Then he inhaled, then exhaled, and started talking.
He told him about leaving his email logged in back in October, and about what Martin Addison (Bram knew there had been something strange going on there; he’d seen Simon with Martin more than was normal) had done as a result of that. He spoke quickly, as though he didn’t really want to be talking about it.
Bram had been right. There had been a rational explanation.
He’d had absolutely no idea what a jerk Martin was.
“…and I know I should have told you. Emailed you, that is, when I saw that post on Creeksecrets. I was just so afraid of scaring you off…”
For a moment, Bram was irritated that Simon had withheld something like that from him because of that.
Just for a moment though.
Because, hypocrisy.
“I’m really sorry that happened, Simon.”
“Thanks. Yeah, me too. But, I mean, hey, there’s nothing he can hold over my head anymore, so…that’s good, I guess?” Simon chuckled a little darkly.
Bram felt an unfamiliar spasm of anger toward Martin Addison. Simon wasn’t supposed to chuckle darkly.
“So…” Bram said, then took a deep breath of his own. “I guess, since you showed me yours…”
He blushed. Why had he put it like that?
But Simon was blushing too now. That had to be a good thing.
“Yeah,” Simon said. “I’m kind of confused because I was…well, I was under the impression that you had a thing for Leah.”
“I know,” Bram said. “That’s not true. I kind of let you think that so you wouldn’t realize that it was really…that it was really you.”
“Oh,” Simon said, his face growing redder. “Oh.”
“And,” Bram said. “Since we’re being honest, I guess I should say that I’ve been pretty sure that you were the person I was emailing for…a while.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah,” Bram said,
“I guess I should have shut up about who my English teacher is,” Simon said.
“Wouldn’t have helped.”
“Oh no?”
“You sort of talk the way you write,” Bram said. “And, when we were working on Mr. Wise’s project together, you would just say certain things that, I don’t know, that made me think that you were him. That you were you.”
“Oh,” Simon said. “Wow. Okay. Full disclosure, here. I…thought you might be the person I was emailing too. I spent a lot of time considering that possibility.”
“You did?” Bram asked, shocked.
“Yeah,” Simon said. “It was sort of the same thing for me. When we were working on the project. Or when you would text me. I would just get the same feeling. And I wanted so badly for it to be true. Only…Blue told me that he was at home handing out candy on Halloween. And you were at Garrett’s party. Plus, the Leah thing, obviously.”
“Oh wow,” Bram closed his eyes. “I only…I was just so afraid to lose you. Both of you. Damn it. I’m sorry. I should have just told you.”
Simon smiled softly. “Well, I know now."
"You wanted it to be true?" Bram said.
"I really did." And then Simon did something amazing. He scooted his chair toward Bram’s side of the round table. It made an awful screeching sound, but Bram didn’t care.
Simon was fewer than six inches away from him.
“So, did you mean it?” Simon asked softly.
“Mean what?”
“What you wrote on Facebook. About thinking that this could work. Me and you. For real.”
“Yes,” Bram said. “I did.”
“I want to hold your hand,” Simon said after a moment.
There was almost no one else in the coffee shop.
“So hold it.”
Bram turned his hand over on the table, and Simon took it. He intertwined their fingers.
His heart was in his throat. This couldn’t be real.
They stayed like that for a couple of minutes, not talking much, but just sipping their drinks and basking in the fact that it was happening. It felt a little strange and awkward and new, but not in a bad way.
**
The next day – Saturday -- Bram called Simon and asked if he wanted to eat lunch with him.
“Where?”
“It’s a secret.”
He picked him up at his house, and drove to Publix. He let Simon pick out the music.
It was so weird being in a car with him, but so amazing.
And they went to a nearby park (it was far warmer today) and ate their Oreo mush on a bench, and Bram just did not know how it had all come out so perfect.
“I don’t know what to tell people,” Simons said. “Wait, do you want to tell people? Do you want to be…a thing? Like, boyfriend?”
“If you do.”
“Um, yeah. I do. I really freaking do. But…”
“But?” Bram asked, nervous again.
“Well, it’s just…here, can I see your cup?”
Bram handed Simon his oreo mush, not sure where he was going with this. Simon took it and set it next to him on the bench, along with his own.
Then he turned to Bram, and put his hands on his shoulders. Bram’s brain went offline.
Oh oh oh oh oh.
Simon’s face came closer, and suddenly their lips were touching. It was a little weird figuring out the noses, but they managed. His hands found their way to Simon’s waist.
Simon’s lips were soft and sure, and they guided his own inexperienced ones.
Why had he spent seventeen years not doing this?
When Simon pulled away after a little while (with a dazed look that surely matched his own), he smiled. And so did Bram.
“So,” Simon asked softly, with a smirk. “What are you doing tomorrow?”
“Nothing but church,” Bram said instantly. Then his brain turned itself on again. “Oh, wait, actually…”
“Actually what?”
**
FROM: [email protected]
DATE: January 18 at 12:07 AM
SUBJECT: Seeing as I found out only a few hours ago…
…that today is your FREAKING BIRTHDAY (118, not quite sure why I didn’t crack that genius code), I feel like I owe it to you to celebrate it on the dot. Well, a few minutes after the dot. But I doubt you were born exactly at midnight anyway, so I don’t feel too bad.
I hope church doesn’t last as long as you think that it will. Not that it matters. I’m still taking you to WaHo anyway, because I am fancy like that.
And you know how you told me not to get you a gift because I only just found out a few hours ago? You know I’m not going to listen to that, right? So we’re on the same page.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! See you very soon.
Love,
Simon
FROM: [email protected]
DATE: January 18 at 7:05 AM
SUBJECT: You don’t have to get me anything
Seriously. You don’t.
Church probably won’t be over for quite a while – I wasn’t kidding. But I will be at WaHo with you the moment it’s over. Well, not literally. You know what I mean.
I am glad that we figured out all of this out before today. It would really suck not to be able to get to spend at least part of my birthday with you.
See you soon.
Love,
Blue Bram