Chapter Text
Deadpool pulls on his action outfit, zipping up the front with a grunt. He rifles through his closet and finds a couple of blasters. Borrowed ones, he thinks. One of my favorites.
{I don’t think taking them from a Z’nox’s liver counts as borrowing.}
(Yeah! Finders keepers.)
“Yep-di-doo,” Wade says, attaching the blasters to his hip. His katana are still in sword jail, watched over by Petey. Oh Petey. Tonight was not expected. The way he was touched...oh so good. I could faint from all this, he thinks. But at the same time, what if it was only a pity thing? That happens a lot.
(But he seemed to really want us.)
“Who doesn’t want me?” Deadpool asks, giggling.
{Most of the world.}
(Wait. What are we doing again?)
“We’re going to go save Captain Spangled Banner,” Wade says, taking a few more weapons and straightening his utility belt. “That way Petey and maybe the Avengers will be proud of us. Also staying put is sooo boring.”
(You said it!)
{Can’t the web slinger take care of all this himself?}
“Probably... but this is still a really good chance. We gotta be a little more selfless,” Deadpool says. He does finger guns at the mirror, then shoots it. Just to be random. Now how will we find Captain America and Spidey? If Cap’n went missing, then why?
{The clear first step is to find an Avenger.}
(And we’ll interrogate them. I can be bad cop!)
“Nu uh, I’m bad cop!” Deadpool shouts, throwing open his front apartment door and walking out. He heads into the elevator and watches the doors close. He presses the button to the first floor and stretches until his shoulder weirdly pops. When the elevator makes it to the bottom, he promptly exits the elevator.
{How come you didn’t just jump off of the balcony?}
“1. It would hurt 2. If my legs are broken, less time to rescue my boi 3. It would hurt like hell,” Wade replies. He looks around and sighs softly. “If only I had some webshooters. Time to ‘borrow’ a vehicle.”
(Spidey might not like that.)
The merc jogs away from his apartment building, whistling to himself. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him. Wade spots a small, red motorbike. Just sitting there. He rips off part of it and hacks it.
{Isn’t there a different word for that?}
“The author’s too lazy to think of one,” Wade says out loud, getting shocked in the middle of trying to hack the motorbike. “Owch. Sadist!” He revs it up and drives down the road, screaming in joy. While the motorbike’s owner screams in frustration.
“I’ll return it!” Wade shouts over his shoulder.
(Yeahhh totally. *Finger guns*)
“Did you literally just say asterisk finger guns, asterisk?”
(I’m a disembodied voice; gotta make the best of it.)
He careens down the street, until he spots the Avengers HQ, in the middle of New York. Several people hurry away, frightened to see the merc. He parks on the sidewalk and whistles.
“Wow. I haven’t been here in forever,” he says, pushing the doors open. Some blue beams of light go up and down Wade’s torso. He tries to bounce away from it, until it’s finished.
“Good evening, Mr. Wilson. It’s certainly a pleasure to have you, but I do believe Mr. Stark banned you from the premises,” Jarvis, Tony Stark’s assistant and A.I. says.
“No man can ban me from any premises,” Deadpool replies, “And frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”
(Oooo classic.)
“That’s from quite an excellent movie, Mr. Wilson,” Jarvis says.
“A.I.s watch movies?”
{Technology has come too far. We must prepare for robot war.}
“No, they don’t. But Jarvis can scan the data in movies, which is almost like watching them, but not quite,” says Mr.Stark himself, descending from the stairs.
“It’s the man himself! Mr.T! Man of iron! Man of binge drinking!” Deadpool says, throwing his hands in the air and wiggling his hips like a cheerleader. Or what he thinks is close enough.
“What are you doing here, Deadpool?” Tony asks, ignoring the introduction of his presence.
(He doesn’t look very happy to see us.)
{Perhaps we should have brought some whiskey?}
“Down, boys. Inappropriate.” Deadpool murmurs, then says to Tony, loudly, “I’m here to join the rescue mission to find Cap'n’. As a merc my skills in finding people is top notch.”
“Well..you’re certainly right about that,” Tony murmurs, crossing his arms. “But you can’t. The rescue team just left.”
“I can just take another jet,” Deadpool points out.
“And never give it back? Do you think I’m stupid?”
“But daaaaad!” Wade whines, dropping to his knees. “You let the other heroes have toys!!”
“No can do,” Tony says, turning around. “Jarvis, can you please escort Mr.Wilson out?”
(Oh shit. Gotta think fast.)
{Words aren’t effective enough. Time to use force.}
(Break his neck.)
“I’m not doing that,” Deadpool says, laughing. Tony turns around in curiosity. Wade runs up to Tony and jumps over his head, easily. The shorter man yelps in surprise, ducking quickly. He gives Tony a tiny head slap and runs up the stairs, giggling.
“Deadpool!”
He runs down the hallway, keeping his arms behind in a Naruto run. Tony is just behind him, yelling and running at the same time. Deadpool skips the elevator and goes up the stairs.
(You know, people might think you’re a weeb.)
“Who cares? I’m kawaii as fuck,” Wade says, breathlessly. Tony shouts some words into his head piece. After many flights of stairs, a few robots block the top of the stairs, whirring menacingly.
Deadpool runs up the stairs, then runs on the side of the wall, still doing the Naruto run. He bounces off and neatly kicks the robots in their heads, doing the splits in mid air. They fall and he shoots them, until they whirr no more.
“Woo! Dude! You have battle droids? That’s dope,” Wade says, shooting near Tony’s feet. He curses loudly and hops out of the way.
“Wade! What would Spiderman think?” Tony shouts, panting heavily.
“Another guilt trip...I’m going to help Spidey, ya iron poop!” Deadpool shouts back. He opens the door to exit the stairway, flipping off Tony while doing so. Tony sits down on the stairs for a moment, trying to process all that happened, then he stands back up.
Wade sprints across the hallway, trying to find the stairs to the launchpad. Instead he gets clotheslined by none other than Captain Marvel. An honor, but it still hurt as he fell on his back.
“God-dam! What is your arm made of? Nokia phones?” Deadpool says, his voice strangled. “Not that I mind getting clotheslined by you, again.”
(Beautiful, blond, and crazy strong? She’s giving Captain America a run for his money.)
Captain Marvel chuckles. “Thank you, I guess. You must be Deadpool.”
“You’ve heard of me? Holy shitballs,” Deadpool says, coughing and getting on his feet.
“No, Tony just told me a masked Spiderman look alike was running through the building and that I should stop him,” she replies, cracking her knuckles.
“Aha! Said the Supergirl look alike!” Deadpool retorts.
“That’s what Tony said, not me,” she says, smiling.
{I like this lady.}
“Same. But it’s a shame since I’m going to shoot her in the kneecaps,” Deadpool says, taking out his pistols.
“Wait!” Tony shouts from behind, making a stop motion with his hand. “Let him go!” Tony drops his hand and struggles to catch his breath. The two super humans look at Tony in equal bewilderment; Deadpool lowers his pistols and Carol (Captain Marvel) lowers her fists.
“Why?” Carol asks, flipping her hair back and frowning.
“He...he wants to help..wants to rescue Cap’n,” Tony says, gasping. After a few moments he gets his breath back. “Also the guy is immortal so it would just be wasting time trying to fight him.”
“Yeah! What he said!”
Carol looks a little disappointed but glides to the side, in mid air. Deadpool carefully walks past her then turns around, saluting Tony. Tony makes a shoo shoo motion and stands up straight.
“Thanks, Toni-chan!” Deadpool says, opening the door to the top of the tower.
The two Avengers watch as he leaves and Tony lets out a big sigh. Carol levitates over to him, her arms crossed in disapproval. “I think there’s another reason why you let him go.”
Tony gives her a shrug. “To let him prove himself. Spiderman has faith in him from what I’ve heard. And I think I might have been a little too hard on him...who knows?”
Carol gazes at the door and nods, looking like she is in deep thought. “Not many people are like that man. A lot of us don’t even try to become better versions of ourselves. Even with his problems he’s still trying. I hope one day I’ll get better too; Spiderman still won’t talk to me after what happened with his friend…”
Tony shifts awkwardly in his stance and nods. “That’s some deep stuff, Danvers.”
“I really wanted to kick his ass, too,” Carol says, huffing. Tony laughs.
“Don’t we all.”