Chapter Text
Kim Taehyung is feeling hostile today. He doesn’t like feeling hostile, because it makes him want to throw rocks at trees (because you totally thought he was going to say puppies right well then you’re an evil human being who deserves to get egg in your toes because puppies are the sweetest little angels sent from heaven and… anyways), and the thought makes him feel guilty towards the trees because all trees do is provide oxygen and shade and house birds that poop on people.
But he can’t really feel otherwise when he sees someone talking to his best friend in the cafe.
Usually, Taehyung would be happy, because he loves Jimin and wants him to be happy, and friends are the fastest source of happiness. But Jimin looks so uncomfortable and sad that Taehyung knows he is nothing close to happy right now.
The cafe doors open with a slight ring of the bell, but the chime is covered by the immediate bustling and clatters of silverware.
“Jiminie!!” he musters with as wide of a smile as he possibly can. Jimin turns around almost immediately , his face turning into one of relief before twisting into horror once again.
“T-Tae,” he says, a nervous smile taking over his features. “What are you doing here?”
“I want a drink of course, you silly goose!” he gives his best friend one of his special best-friend-hugs (he only saves them for Jimin and Jungkook, so they’re extra special!), and Jimin returns the affection with loose arms. “Who is he?” he asks then, eyes narrowing to what he thinks is judging suspicion as he tries to stare down at the other. The man only looks back at him with smug amusement.
“Oh, uh… he’s my--”
“Crush,” he says with a sickeningly sweet smile of his own, and Taehyung’s eyes widen. “Jiminie here confessed to me when we were still in high school. Who would’ve known we’d have come to the same college as well?”
Taehyung turns his head to look at Jimin, but the other isn’t meeting his eyes. He stares at the floor with a tired expression. “Look, it’s all over and done with,” he says. “I already heard your answer. Can’t you just leave me alone?”
“Aw, what now, Jiminie, afraid your friend won’t like you anymore now that he knows you could be into him?”
“Shut up,” Jimin hisses quietly from his position.
“That you’re a--”
The next thing happens in a blur. Taehyung, who sees the tears building up in his friend’s eyes and growing whispers of the people around them, picks up the glass of water that was sitting on the table and, in a fit of panic, splashes it onto the man sitting across from them.
He hears gasping as the man catches his breath, and Jimin grabs his arm, horrified. “Oh my gosh, Tae, why did you do that?”
“I--er… mean people deserve water in the face?” Taehyung shrugs with a sheepish smile, but Jimin only shifts his eyes to the man across from them.
“You...you asshole! What the hell are you doing?” he spits out, standing up and grabbing Taehyung by the collar. Taehyung, who has never been in a real fight before, bites on his tongue as he wills himself not to avert his eyes. He wishes Jungkook were here right now. He’s seen Jungkook bust out some moves before, and the end results of that were not pretty (Jungkook can do everything. Taehyung has secretly wondered if the boy was an alien coming from another planet here to assert his power over the weak race that has been dubbed as humanity--)
The man pushes him backwards, and he has to rely on Jimin’s arms to steady him from the force of it. “I asked,” the man hisses, “what you think you’re doing.”
Seeing that Taehyung has no response, he smirks in mock victory. “Oh, is Jiminie’s friend too scared to fight back?”
“I’m a pacifist,” Taehyung manages, stepping one step back and lifting his chin up to try and make himself look bigger. “You’re mean, and I didn’t want to punch you. That would hurt me, and that would hurt you, and so I threw water in your face. Who told you to call people bad names?! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?!” He hears a snicker coming from the counter, and looks over just in time to see the person cover her mouth and turn around quickly, before Jimin pulls him back. It was a good idea, it seems, because the man looks one second away from punching him. Hard. Taehyung gulps.
“Look, I’m sorry my friend threw water--”
“Why are you apologizing for me?”
“Because you won’t, so shut up,” Jimin gives him a panicked hiss.
“Look, you fag, you think you’re being all nice and sweet when you’re just trying to get into--” his sentence is cut off as brown liquid is poured down his head, ice cubes falling with small Clunks as they sink into his shirt, and the man gasps in shock.
Taehyung gasps as well, and he and Jimin both watch as Yoongi stands behind the other, making sure to shake his cup slightly before he drops that as well, the piece of plastic rolling off the man and to the floor. Yoongi sighs.
“Taehyung, when you meet assholes you make sure to get something hot and sticky, like hot chocolate so you can fuck with them even more, not just water, you idiot.”
Taehyung’s eyes get starry as he clasps his hands together. “Hyung, you are our saviour!” At this, Yoongi smirks smugly and gives an over-exaggerated shrug, and Taehyung smiles widely, his teeth showing.
“Sucks I ordered iced.”
“Okay, what the fuck--”
“Oh shut the fuck up, you little piece of shit with twelve sticks shoved up your ass,” Yoongi drawls calmly, and the other turns red in the face. “First of all, I don’t know what the hell is going on but you made both of my dongsaengs, who are probably too nice to hurt a plant or something, nearly fuck up everyone’s time in this nice little cafe we have right here, and have the audacity to say something as shameful as ‘fag’ in public, then I can’t be too wrong in splashing shit in your face.”
“Look right here, you asshole, the one shoving things up their ass is probably you and your--”
“Yeah yeah, okay, I’ve heard that before. I’m gay, yep,” Yoongi says with a fake enthusiastic smile on his face. “And I’d still rather fuck a girl than you, which is really saying a lot. I bet that fact saddens you the most out of everyone, doesn’t it? Can’t take not being the most wanted dude in the world so you go and try to make yourself feel better by bringing other people down.”
“I’ve heard enough!” The man makes to lift his arm to throw a punch, but as if on reflex Yoongi throws his body into the other’s, hard, causing him to trip backwards, slip on the coffee and miss the chair, ramming himself onto the floor. He looks a little dazed at the pain, and Yoongi laughs brightly at the scene.
‘I should remember not to piss Yoongi-hyung off,’ Taehyung notes to himself. Yoongi turns to the employee closest to them, and pulls out a wrinkled bill from his pocket and presses it into her hands with an apologetic smile.
“Ma’am, I’ve done it before so I know how hard it is to clean up a big pile of trash, so here’s a small tip to make up for your day.”
After this, he automatically turns to Jimin, who is rooted in his spot, and smacks him lightly behind the head. “What are you doing just standing there, idiot? After something like this you run!”
As if snapping out of a trance, the three of them quickly make to bust their way out the the store, not stopping to catch their breaths until they are a few blocks away from the building. Only then do they allow their legs to slow. Yoongi lets out a sound akin to throwing up as he steadies himself on a wall.
“That’s enough exercise for the rest of the year,” he says, coughing slightly, and Taehyung laughs at him, eyes wide and mouth open.
“You’re so old, hyung!”
“Shut the hell up, brat, I saved your life,” he retorts, turning to Jimin. “Both of yours.”
Jimin gives him a small smile in reply. “Thanks, hyung,” he says, and the other straightens his posture and gives a smug smile to the both of them.
“Damn right you should be. You guys owe me a coffee and those ten dumb bucks I had to waste,” he grumbles, and Taehyung gives him another big grin.
“I’m broke, hyung.”
“I should kill you right now,” he says as he crinkles his nose, but then his expression turns more concerned, and he looks at Jimin again. “Are you okay, by the way? People like that really have a way of getting on others’ nerves.”
Jimin nods with another grateful smile. “Yeah, that was a crush from high school, but I got over it pretty quickly when I found out what an asshole he was. It’s no big deal anymore.”
“Shaming you in a restaurant is a pretty big deal. That guy deserves a punch or two,” Yoongi says nonchalantly, and Jimin laughs lightly again.
“Mm, yeah, well... “ he pauses, lips quirking up in one corner before he quickly schools his expression. “I guess it was better than in front of the whole student population. That wasn’t really a...fun…” Jimin’s words lower into a mumble and he shrugs with a bitter smile. When he looks back up, however, his expression turns into one of confusion as he sees both Taehyung and Yoongi sporting the same blank expression on their faces. “Um, guys?” he asks nervously.
“Taehyung,” Yoongi calls calmly. “Prepare the cake.”
“Tabasco or wasabi, sir?!”
“Both.”
Jimin looks back and forth between the two, eyes turning more and more questioning.