Chapter Text
Luffy started out slowly, not entirely sure where to begin. His heart was thumping wildly, and he found his hands had started shaking again. He folded his arms to hide the trembling, but it was too late; his nakama had already seen. Zoro and Sanji shared a concerned glance, and Sanji took off his suit coat, draping it over Luffy's shoulders. It hadn't started to get cold yet, but Sanji would provide any comfort he could.
He told them about how he arrived at Marine Ford, and about meeting White Beard. He explained how he fought soldier after solder, devil fruit user after devil fruit user. He mentioned his fight with Dracule Mihawk, and Zoro got a dark look in his eye. The person he'd been training with these past two years had tried to kill Luffy? Of course, he said he'd seen Ace's death with his own eyes, but he hadn't known he'd tried to help cause it. Zoro vowed that he'd make Mihawk pay, and Luffy continued retelling the events of the war.
Luffy started to become agitated. Even to his own ears, he sounded afraid, and he kept getting the order of events mixed up. His mind started flashing with random scenes, even as he spoke, and it was impossible to resist them.
He collapsed in a heap of pain, and he knew then he couldn't move any more. He only knew pain. It took over his whole consciousnesses. But Ace! He had to save Ace, his brother! But his body had reached it's limit. He was done. Darkness began to cloud his vision; it would be so easy to just drift away, to let it all go. Feeling the cool, soothing stone beneath his cheek, he closed his eyes. He breathed in...out...
Suddenly, there was a sharp pain in his torso, and then a mysterious flash of power flowed through his limbs. He could feel it coursing through is body. He gasped, his eyes snapping open. Hope returned to him, with an equal measure of fury. A large face swam before his eyes, surrounded by a purple afro. Suddenly, he was able to move again, and he stood back up, a hellish look on his face.
Sanji had turned as white as a sheet of paper. Had Luffy really been beaten that bad? Had he really been so injured that he couldn't move any more? Now it was his turn to start shaking. He was so relieved that Ivankov had been there to give Luffy that chemical boost. But the thought that the Mugiwara had needed it...terrified him. And on top of that, Luffy had been impaled. That battle really had been a full on war, hadn't it? Sanji glanced over at Zoro, and knew he was thinking the same thing. The swordsman was just as pale, but the anger was easy to see; it was rolling off him in waves. The cook could tell what he was thinking: How dare they?
A wax man stared at him with incredulity, then narrowed his eyes, nodding with determination. Then, a white key was placed in Luffy's hand. His legs pumped as he ran with all his might. He remembered the warmth of Ace's flames as his brother burst free from his bonds, and suddenly they were fighting. Left, right, up, down, Luffy countered and attacked, bobbed and weaved. Ace was by his side now, shooting fire, and he felt complete. He felt safe, the feeling flowing over him like a blanket. His brother was alive, he was free. Everything was right.
And then it wasn't.
Akainu the admiral, strongest of all, sent out a biting retort, his silver tongue cutting through to Ace's soul in an instant. Luffy's brother whipped around, snarling, and went on the offensive. And because of that one decision, everything Luffy had been fighting for was reduced to rubble.
Luffy's voice suddenly went monotone. Zoro, who'd been staring at the deck, snapped his gaze up, and saw what Sanji had seen the night before: that blank, lifeless expression. Alarmed, he glanced at the dart board brow. Although wary of it, Sanji didn't seem surprised; he'd seen this face before. If both men had a chance, they would both say that this...lack of emotions scared them. Who was this? This was a very different Luffy than the one they knew. The Luffy they knew was energetic about everything, he was a goofball, and completely oblivious most of the time. He felt emotions more sharply than normal people did, but this war had taken that away from him.
Zoro's heart ached for his captain. He'd gotten to the point where emotions were too much, where memories were too much. He had to stop himself from expressing emotions, or they would overrun him. The first mate wanted to bring that happy, excited Luffy back, the one that wasn't afraid of anything, and promise him that everything would be alright. That however, he could not promise; he couldn't predict the future. For now, he'd have to settle for hearing Luffy out, and then he could figure out how to help him heal.
Luffy hugged his brother for all he was worth, eyes wide with shock and disbelief. He felt warm blood gushing between his fingers. His brother's last words echoed, then faded. It was over so fast. One moment Ace was alive and kicking, fighting at Luffy's side, smiling, even. And before Luffy knew it, before he could prevent it, he was gone. He was just...gone. Luffy's strength gave out; he was unable to hold his brother's body up any longer. And then everything went dark. He was unconscious, but that didn't stop the pain. His mind floated, not remembering anything anymore, and then an unbearable, burning pain in his chest held him captive in the darkness, torturing him continuously. What was happening? Why did his chest hurt so much? He thought he heard someone shouting, and distantly felt...some type of mask being forced over his face. But a few moments later, all feeling but excruciating pain disappeared.
Sanji's eyes were intent on Luffy's face, willing the rubber boy's emotions to return, to break the ice around his heart. He was so intent on his captain, that he almost missed what he was saying. A heavy weight settled on his chest, making it hard to breathe. This was when the Surgeon of Death, Trafalgar Law, had shown up to help, wasn't it? This was when he'd saved Luffy's life. Sanji's gaze drifted down to the huge, x shaped scar on Luffy's chest, and he felt a ginormous amount of relief and gratitude toward Tra-guy. Luffy was strong; normal men would have been vaporized by a wound like that. But regardless, he still wouldn't have survived without the help of Law. Sanji- no, not just him, the whole crew -was indebted to him. His attitude toward Trafalgar immediately improved, elevated by a sense of respect. This man had helped bring Luffy back to his family.
Sanji looked over at Zoro again, and saw that the first mate was thinking along the same lines. His hands were clenched tightly together, as if thanking some unseen god, as he studied his captain. No words could explain how he felt at that moment.
God dammit, he should have been there! He should have been there to protect Luffy! If he had, Ace might have survived. He gritted his teeth, his thoughts turning to his 'teacher'. The first mate felt disgusted in himself. What kind of friend was he? While Luffy was dealing with his brother's death, having nightmares about the war and Impel Down, Zoro was training everyday with one of the people who'd helped cause that pain. For two years. Zoro felt a twinge of guilt. He didn't deserve to be on this crew.
But...that was Luffy's choice, wasn't it? Did any of them really deserve to be with him? Franky was a gangster. Robin had killed people, working for the enemy. Usopp was a coward. Chopper also scared easily. Sanji was a hopeless love-cook, as well as a member of an awful family. Brook had died; he was a skeleton. Nami was a thief, as well as a slave for Arlong. Zoro was a pirate hunter. He'd also failed in his promise to protect his captain. So why were any of them part of the Straw Hat's then, really? Because of Luffy. He'd brought them all together; he didn't care about their pasts, or what their flaws were. He thought of them as his nakama, regardless what their mistakes were, or what they could or couldn't do. Luffy...he was so loyal, so determined. If he wanted them to be on his crew, whether they were deserving or not, then they were on his crew. It was as simple as that. Luffy had proven time and time again that he'd protect them, no matter what. And then, he wouldn't even be bothered if they weren't there to protect him.
Both crew mates listened attentively as Luffy described what happened when he woke up.
Luffy's eyes snapped open, and he let out an earth shattering scream. He tore the oxygen mask off of his face, and proceeded to frantically rip all the IV's and machine's away from his body. A loud BOOM shook the ship as he burst through the heavy metal door. He limped into the hallway beyond, heedless of the frightened crew, and stopped. His heart was racing, his body shaking uncontrollably, and he stared at the floor. It couldn't be! It was just a dream, right? RIGHT? Then the memories hit him, a physical blow to his heart and mind, and he snapped.
Red took over his vision, and he lost control completely. Disbelief, fury, despair, loss, guilt, grief, disbelief, fury, despair, loss, guilt, grief, disbelieffurydespairlossguiltgrief. The only things he could feel. Vaguely, he was aware his body moving. He destroyed the ship's ceiling and burst free of the restricting prison. He was launched high into the air; then he started falling. When he landed, his body, still weak, crumpled to the ground. Luffy pushed himself, head and heart hurting, to his knees.
" Ace. Ace. Ace." he rambled on, not caring if people witnessed his insanity. Ace Ace Ace Ace AceAceAceAce. " ACE!"
Where was he? Where was his brother?
He was gone.
He ran into the jungle. A tree to his left splintered and buckled. A boulder to his right shattered. Mountains cracked, the jungle strained to stay upright. Then the ground itself suffered, as Luffy collapsed to his knees again and started punching it. He screamed, and screamed. Why wasn't he good enough? Why wasn't he strong enough to save Ace? He realized, now that Ace was gone, he had no more brothers. He. Was. Alone.
He felt a presence behind him, and he turned briefly to see Jinbei.
" Luffy," the fish-man began.
" Go away," the rubber-boy snapped. " Leave me alone!" Jinbei held his ground, not flinching at the pain in Luffy's voice.
" I cannot," he replied, firmly but gently. " Although I understand your pain, I will not allow you to hurt yourself any more." At those words, Luffy became aware of the pain. His body ached. He looked down, and silently registered the bandages covering most of his body. What would Chopper say? He shouldn't be moving, let alone destroying things.
But that didn't matter. His brother was dead.
" That's not your business," he growled. His mind suddenly went blank again, and his body moved of it's own accord. He stood, ignoring his injuries, and charged toward Jinbei.
" You won't defeat me," Jinbei said, also growling. " Not in that condition." Luffy's fist went flying toward his face, but he snatched it out of the air and forced Luffy to the ground. Adrenaline coursing through his veins, Luffy stubbornly continued to resist, leaping up to bite his friend.
" Luffy! Stop!" Jinbei tried and failed to pull away from the raven haired boy. " I've had enough of your nonsense!" He tore Luffy off him and pinned him to a bolder, his hand around Luffy's throat. The boy struggled, trying to get away, but Jinbei wouldn't let him escape.
" Boy," Jinbei roared. " you don't see a thing. You're blind! Before, you never doubted your strength. But now? The confidence that once allowed you to soar above the clouds has been shattered." Luffy screamed, trying with all his might to be free of his friend-turned-attacker. Why couldn't he just go away? Jinbei kept going. " Your brother, who was your guiding light, has faded away." Tear's streamed down Luffy's face, hating those words. " And your enemy stands so tall, casting such a big shadow that you can't do anything but cower in darkness. Now you strike out like an animal at your own friends."
" Luffy!" the fish-man insisted. " Your pain may be great, but it mustn't devour you! Things will get better. Ace may be gone, but you still have something left in this world to live for!" Jinbei glared at Luffy, willing the boy to think. Willing him to understand.
And he did.
Luffy stared at Jinbei, as if seeing him for the first time. Horrified, his arms dropped to his sides, the resistance in his eyes going out. Had he been fighting Jinbei? One of his nakama? Seeing the fight in Luffy disappear, Jinbei cautiously released him, stepping back. The rubber boy slid to the ground, his eyes wide, shocked. Time stopped. Shaking, he looked down at his hands. A light flickered to life on his face as he stared at his fingers. Then, one by one, he started counting them.
One, his brave swordsman and first mate, Zoro. He remembered the green haired man vividly, exercising with his massive weights. He was always grumpy, wasn't he? Especially if you interrupted his 'building muscle time'. A dark cloud in Luffy's mind dissipated, and hope filtered in through the cracks in the darkness.
Two, his red-headed navigator, Nami. He recalled the way she'd boss him around, the urgent expression on her face as she warned them of a coming storm. She always did act like she was the captain instead of Luffy. More clouds disappeared, and the mugiwara's eyes began to over flow with tears.
Three, the long nosed, sling shooting Usopp. Another cloud disappeared as he remembered how much he liked to fish, claiming he'd get a bigger fish every time he cast his fishing pole.
Four, the fair haired, grumpy cook, Sanji. More tears burst forth as Luffy remembered how angry he'd get if someone interrupted his cooking. He hated whining and nagging, and he wasn't afraid to give someone a good beating to convey that.
Five, the tiny, furry reindeer, Chopper. The small doctor was so caring, and Luffy remembered him promising: "It's ok. No matter how much you're hurt, you're in good hands."
Six, Nico Robin, the beautiful bookworm. She was so fascinated with treasure, and finding ancient artifacts, but she'd give all that up in an instant to protect the crew. She could be a little pessimistic at times, true, but she never hesitated to strive for good.
Seven, the huge, burly cyborg, Franky. Luffy nearly laughed as he recalled Franky's silly poses, and his incredible talent for building things. He was invaluable to the crew; he'd even built their new ship, the Thousand Sunny.
Eight, the living, practically insane skeleton named Brooke. People would be idiots to not want to hear Brooke play a song; his musical talent was unmatched by any one. It seems impossible that this sweet, silly skeleton could wield a sword like he did. When he wanted to be, he could be downright terrifying. Luffy was so glad he was apart of his crew.
And with that, the dark, outer shell of his mind cracked, and fell away.
These eight people. His crew. They were what he lived for. Ace may have died, but hope was not gone.
" My crew! They're still out there waiting for me!" Luffy spoke, his body buzzing with pins and needles. He was wailing now, crying harder than he ever had before. " I have to make it back to the ship, no matter what!"
Let no one ever say he didn't have a purpose. Let no one ever say he didn't have a reason to live. He did. He had eight. And he knew that those eight reasons would help him through anything, including this.