Chapter Text
Jonghyun is lying in a bed. He hears voices nearby, so it can’t be his bedroom in his quiet apartment that no one but himself has the key to. He opens his eyes to an unfamiliar white ceiling and turns his head to see a white robed figure and a metal shelf-like contraption beside his bed. Everything looks fuzzy and his head is spinning. What day is it? How did he get here? He doesn’t know. The figure in white turns towards him and their eyes get big and their mouth opens wide. This person isn’t someone Jonghyun knows.
“You’re awake!” They exclaim. “Can you hear me?”
It takes Jonghyun a moment to realize he’s supposed to respond. He opens his mouth and when his voice comes out it feels strange.
“Yes.”
“Great! You’re well enough to respond to questions!” The white-garbed person says excitedly, writing something down on a clipboard. “I’m going to-” Jonghyun can’t hear the rest of the sentence because of the ringing in his ears is too deafening.
His eyes dart around the room and he feels more confused. And tired. Very, very tired. Just as he feels the sleepiness engulf him, he sees a tall, familiar figure come through the door of the room. Minhyun.
But why is Minhyun here in this strange room where Jonghyun is lying in a bed that isn’t his? Minhyun doesn’t want to see him anymore. He can’t remember why that is.
His head is pounding and the room is spinning. Right before he fades from consciousness he sees Minhyun’s eyes widen and his lips open to say something, but Jonghyun can’t stay awake long enough to catch his words.
~
The next time Jonghyun wakes up he’s alert enough to figure out that he’s in a hospital. He can also register that there’s an IV in his arm. He remembers the person in white and realizes that they must have been a nurse. He vaguely remembers waking up earlier and Minhyun being there. And then he remembers walking into the busy street and the memories of the last few days come crashing back over him.
He isn’t dead. Nor does he appear to have any serious injuries. There are bandages in a few places, but they only seem to be cuts and small wounds. None of these injuries explain how he lost consciousness or why he’s in the hospital. While he’s in the midst of pondering his situation, a man in a nurse’s coat with a soft smile enters the room.
“Oh!” He says in surprise when he sees that Jonghyun is sitting up. Jonghyun recognizes him as the nurse from earlier. The name tag on the nurse’s coat reads Jung Sewoon. “You’re awake. That’s wonderful!”
“Umm…” Jonghyun begins hesitantly, not sure how to continue. “What happened to me?”
“A car hit you and you got a concussion.” Sewoon answers. “You should be more careful crossing the street, it could have been a lot worse.”
They don’t know, Jonghyun realizes. He’s relieved. He doesn’t want to talk about the fact that he tried to kill himself with a stranger, no matter how friendly the nurse seems. “How long has it been?” He asks, hoping this will take the subject of conversation down a safer path.
“Three days.” Sewoon answers. “It’s Sunday afternoon.”
Jonghyun feels himself start to panic. Boa only gave him a week off, he has to be at work tomorrow. He can’t afford to take even more sick time. If he wants to keep his job he has to return to work on Monday. But he still doesn’t know how he’s going to face Minhyun if he goes back…
“You should probably stay here at least one more night.” Sewoon’s voice interrupts Jonghyun’s thoughts. Jonghyun opens his mouth to object but Sewoon continues before he can form words. “Your friend already notified your place of employment that you’d had an accident, if that’s what you’re worried about.” Jonghyun had momentarily forgotten that Minhyun had come by to see him earlier. “He seems really worried about you, he’s been coming by every day. He only left here about an hour ago.”
Minhyun is worried about him. Minhyun has been coming every day to see Jonghyun in his comatose state. Jonghyun doesn’t even know how Minhyun found out he was in the hospital. He feels a small flare of hope knowing that Minhyun at least likes him enough to care that he was injured, but Minhyun is nice, so he’d probably do the same for anyone. Jonghyun feels a wave of guilt at the thought that he troubled Minhyun.
“He wanted me to contact him as soon as you were conscious again.” Sewoon continues, pausing and looking to Jonghyun for agreement that he should contact Minhyun.
“Alright,” Jonghyun says after a long moment. “Just, uh, can you tell him to wait until tomorrow to come? I think I want to sleep more.”
Sewoon nods and leaves the room, presumably to call Minhyun. Jonghyun sinks back down into the pillows, unsure if he made the right decision. He’s still terrified by the idea of seeing Minhyun after everything that’s happened; even though Minhyun came to see him before that doesn’t mean that Minhyun isn’t mad at him. But simultaneously a part of him really wants to see Minhyun. Maybe it’s time to face his fears and be honest with his friend.
~
When Minhyun enters Jonghyun’s hospital room the next day he looks different than Jonghyun has ever seen him. His hair is sticking up in places, there are bags under his eyes, and his clothes look disheveled.
“Jonghyun.” He says in a weak voice. “You’re okay.”
He doesn’t say anything more and plops himself down in the chair next to Jonghyun’s bed and buries his face in his hands. Jonghyun doesn’t know how to interpret Minhyun’s actions. Is he for mad he doesn’t want to even look at Jonghyun? Jonghyun sits silently, staring at Minhyun, unsure of what he should do, then finally, Minhyun speaks.
“Why did you leave Woojin’s celebration without saying anything?” Minhyun’s voice sounds rough and raspy, like he has a cold. “We all looked for you, called you… but you didn’t respond and none of us knew what to do.” Minhyun still isn’t looking at Jonghyun. “We were really worried, Jonghyun.” Minhyun takes a breath and Jonghyun thinks about reaching over to touch him but thinks better of it. Minhyun must be about to tell him that they- Minhyun, Seongwoo, Minki, Woojin, everyone- don’t want him anymore, not after he put them through so much trouble. Any touches from Jonghyun would probably be unwelcome now.
“A-and then,” Minhyun continues, breathing uneven. “When I saw you that day on the street you- ” Jonghyun hadn’t realized that Minhyun had been there that day, but the memory of some calling his name comes back and he realizes it must have been Minhyun. “You didn’t- You saw the cars, I know you did, Jonghyun. But you- you- you went into the road anyway!” Minhyun’s hands shift from his face and Jonghyun realizes that Minhyun is crying. “I-I was so…. So scared! Jonghyun… what’s wrong?” Minhyun’s hands are shaking as he lowers them away from his face. “What happened? I just… I want…. I care about you.” Minhyun finishes, his voice breaking.
Jonghyun feels hot tears well in his eyes and flow down his cheeks. Minhyun knows. He knows that Jonghyun walking into the busy street wasn’t an accident. He knows Jonghyun did it on purpose. Jonghyun has no idea how to explain it to him. He can’t deny that it isn’t a normal thing to do; he can’t deny that the fact that he did that must mean some part of him is broken. Jonghyun hugs his knees to his chest and starts to sob, his whole body shaking with each cry. He feels Minhyun’s warm arms encircle him and then they’re crying together, holding each other.
Eventually, when the tears slow down a little, Jonghyun starts talking. He starts from the beginning, or at least, the closest he can’t get to the beginning since he doesn’t really know when it all began. He can’t pinpoint the exact moment he started believing he would be better off dead. He tries to make Minhyun understand; He tries to explain what made him leave the bar without saying anything, what made him into the street, what makes him feel so worthless. The more he talks the less it sees to make sense and he feels so stupid and he hates himself even more for that. Fresh waves of tears hit him because of how stupid and irrational it all is. Jonghyun has no real explanation for why he’s like this. He can’t remember when or why it started, it might just have always been a part of him.
Minhyun keeps holding him and listening for as long as the words pour out of Jonghyun. Jonghyun knows he doesn’t deserve Minhyun’s patience. When he’s finally done, Minhyun draws back a little and puts his hands on Jonghyun’s shoulders and looks him in the eye.
“Jonghyun,” Minhyun says softly, and Jonghyun blinks back tears. “I care about you.” He presses his forehead to Jonghyun’s. “And I want you to know that I won’t ever not like you because you can’t tell me something because you’re scared or uncomfortable.” Jonghyun can feel his breath on his face. “I won’t even not like you because you feel anxious or panicky for reasons I can’t quite grasp.” Minhyun rests his forehead against Jonghyun’s. “I never want you to feel like you’re worthless ever again, Jonghyun. I want you to be happy. I want it to get better for you; I don’t know how much I can even help you, but…” Minhyun takes a breath. “Can I try?”
Jonghyun nods, still sniffling. “I’m sorry for causing you so much trouble.” He murmurs.
“It’s not trouble when it’s you,” Minhyun replies, running his thumb across Jonghyun’s cheek to brush away the tears. “Let’s get you home.”
~
Jonghyun checks out of the hospital the next day. At first the hospital staff is hesitant to let him leave when Jonghyun tells them that he lives alone, and thus has no one of watch over him in case he’s not actually fully recovered from the head trauma that caused his concussion, but when Minhyun says he’ll stay with Jonghyun for the next few days and look after him the hospital staff agree to let him go. At first, Jonghyun isn’t keen on taking Minhyun up on his offer to stay at Jonghyun’s place for the next few days, but when Minhyun insists that he’d worry about Jonghyun if he didn’t stay with and see that he recovers and that it won’t be at all inconvenient Jonghyun caves.
Jonghyun has never let Minhyun come to his apartment before. He’s embarrassed to let Minhyun see his mess living room, all the dirty dishes stacked in his sink, and the pile of dirty laundry in his bedroom. Compared to Minhyun’s immaculately clean apartment, Jonghyun’s place is a garbage dump. Minhyun, however, doesn’t comment on it, but when Jonghyun retires to his bedroom after telling Minhyun he wants to rest alone for a while he hears the sound of Minhyun doing the dishes from the kitchen. After a few hours, there’s a soft knock on Jonghyun’s door.
“Jonghyun? It’s about dinner time, are you hungry?” Minhyun’s voice comes from the other side of the door. Jonghyun gets up and opens the door. Minhyun smiles at him when he comes into view and from behind him Jonghyun sees that Minhyun seems to have tidied up his living room.
“I’m sorry it’s a mess here, I didn’t mean for you to have to clean…” Jonghyun apologizes.
“I don’t care, I like cleaning,” Minhyun assures him, taking his hand. Minhyun starts to open his mouth to say more but is cut off by Jonghyun’s stomach growling. “I guess that means you are hungry,” Minhyun laughs. “You don’t seem to have much food here, let’s order delivery, okay?” Jonghyun nods. “Do you have any idea of what you want to eat?” Jonghyun shrugs and makea non-committal sound. “That’s okay, I’ll order something, I think I know your taste.” Jonghyun smiles and nods in agreement.
When the food arrives, they sit on Jonghyun’s sofa and eat side by side. Minhyun seems to understand that Jonghyun doesn’t really want to talk, so he does all the talking to fill the silence. He tells Jonghyun anecdotes from the last week, stories from his childhood, plots of movies he likes, and other random topics that take Jonghyun’s mind off of everything that’s happened. Jonghyun is grateful for it. While he needs some time and space to sort through his thoughts on his own, he’s afraid that if he has too much solitude his doubts and insecurities will creep into the silence and drag him down again.
“I’m actually a pretty decent cook now though,” Minhyun says after telling a story of how he burnt a cake he was making for his sister’s birthday when he was a kid. “Let’s go shopping tomorrow, then I can cook for you and you can see for yourself!”
Jonghyun feels his expression falter in response to Minhyun’s words, remembering the last time he tried to go shopping, right before he got hit. Minhyun seems to see that he’s troubled.
“Is… that okay?” Minhyun asks. “If you don’t want to go you can give me a list and I can get everything myself.”
Jonghyun shakes his head. “No, it’s fine. I’ll go with you.” Jonghyun tells him. Even though it seems scary, it’s something he’ll have to do eventually, and besides, he doesn’t want to be alone in his apartment with all of his worries and without the comfort of Minhyun’s presence.
“Alright then.” Minhyun putting down his now-empty delivery container. “It’s getting late, um, is it okay if I sleep on this couch?”
Why didn’t Jonghyun realize that Minhyun would need somewhere to physically sleep? He feels stupid and apologizes quickly, telling Minhyun that of course he can sleep on the couch and quickly goes to fetch his extra blankets and pillow for Minhyun. Once Minhyun is settled on his living room couch, Jonghyun retires to his bed for the night.
~
Jonghyun is only asleep for a few hours before he wakes up from a nightmare. In his dream, Minhyun told him that he was tired of putting up with Jonghyun and Jonghyun’s problems and left the apartment and Jonghyun’s life. Dream-Minhyun said that Jonghyun if he had known Jonghyun was this much trouble he would never have befriended him. He accused Jonghyun of being over dramatic, telling him he had no real reason to feel sad and that he should grow up and learn to deal with life. For several awful moments, Jonghyun can’t separate the nightmare from reality. Even under all his blackets, he finds himself shaking, feeling oddly chilly. After taking a few minutes to try to calm his breathing, he gets out of bed to go to the bath room and wash his face. He crossing his living room as quietly as he can and closes the bathroom door behind him before turning on the light and splashing cool water on his face, breathing still a little erratic, trying desperately to calm himself down. After wetting his face several times the nightmare still lingers in his memory, feeling far too real. He give up and exits the bathroom intending to go back to his bed.
“Jonghyun?” He hears Minhyun’s groggy voice as he crosses the living room to his bedroom. Through the darkness, he can see that Minhyun is sitting up, evidently having been woken up by the sound of the sink when he washed his face earlier. “Why’re you up?”
“Bad dream.” Jonghyun tries to make it sound inconsequential. “Sorry I made noise and woke you up.”
“’ss fine” Minhyun yawns. “Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?”
Jonghyun has never been good at lying. Even though it’s dark and Minhyun can’t see his face properly he still can’t control his emotions well enough to make Minhyun think he’s okay. When he opens his mouth to say he’s fine only a choked sound comes out and Jonghyun can feel tears forming in his eyes. Minhyun is beside Jonghyun in an instant, rubbing his back and gazing at him with concern.
“What can I do to help, Jonghyun?” Minhyun asks when Jonghyun’s tears don’t stop, so much worry in his voice that Jonghyun feels guilty and cries harder. “Want do you need?”
“I just…” Jonghyun finally chokes out after a few long moments. “I don’t want to be alone.”
Minhyun pulls him close and Jonghyun tucks his head into Minhyun’s shoulder to hide his tears.
“Okay,” Minhyun says into Jonghyun’s hair. “I’m not going to leave you.” He gives Jonghyun’s shoulder a little squeeze. “Let’s get you back to bed, you need sleep.”
Minhyun follow Jonghyun back to his bedroom and waits for Jonghyun’s approval before joining him under the covers. Once they’re both tucked snuggly under the covers, Minhyun wraps one arm around Jonghyun’s waist, rubbing soothing circles into Jonghyun’s side with his thumb, while using his other hand to stroke Jonghyun’s hair. With Minhyun by his side, holding Jonghyun in his arms, the nightmare finally feels less real. Taking deep breathes and inhaling Minhyun’s scent with each one, Jonghyun’s heartbeat slows to a normal pace and he drifts into sleep, face buried in Minhyun’s chest.
~
“Shouldn’t you be at work?” Jonghyun asks Minhyun the next day as they walk through the produce isle of the grocery store the next day. Between being unconscious for several days in the hospital and not in this right mind for the days leading up to that, Jonghyun hadn’t realized that it was a week day until he looked at his phone calendar that morning.
“I took the week off.” Minhyun tells him as if it’s nothing.
“You shouldn’t have.” Jonghyun says, pausing to examine a carrot as an excuse not to look at Minhyun. “You shouldn’t go so far out of your way just for me. What if you need to take a day off later and you can’t because you spent all your sick days on me?”
Minhyun just shrugs. “Then I’ll figure something out. I’m sure it won’t be an issue.”
“What if it is, though?” Jonghyun presses further, unconsciously digging his nails into the carrot.
“Look at me, Jonghyun.” Minhyun asks calmly. Jonghyun looks up into Minhyun’s face and Minhyun takes the carrot out of Jonghyun’s grip and replaces it with his hand. “I’m taking the days off because I want to. If I went to work I’d be thinking about you too much to do my job properly anyway. So don’t worry about it.”
Jonghyun looks down at his shoes, still feeling bad for causing so much trouble. “I’m sorry for making you worry about me.” He says softly, feeling moisture gathering in his eyes and cursing himself for it. Minhyun squeezes his hand before letting go to touch Jonghyun’s chin and tilt it up so Jonghyun’s looking at him.
“You don’t have to apologize.” Minhyun tells him patiently. “I’m worrying about you because I care about you, okay? So just let me worry.” Minhyun flashes Jonghyun a reassuring smile and takes his hand again. “Come on now, we have more food to get.”
~
Living with someone one else in his space isn’t something Jonghyun is used to. The constant presence of Minhyun in his apartment is a completely new feeling. Minhyun is almost always in sight, sitting quietly beside Jonghyun as they read or watch movies together. Even when Jonghyun can’t see him, he can hear Minhyun moving through the apartment, making food in the kitchen or in the bathroom taking a shower. Even at night, Minhyun is by his side shielding him from his nightmares. Minhyun seems to know when Jonghyun needs space to be alone and when he needs someone beside him.
One day, Jonghyun feels hopeless again and he doesn’t want to leave his bed. Minhyun is patient with him, sitting on the edge of the bed talking quietly to Jonghyun and patting him gently through blankets. It takes quite a while before Jonghyun is ready to talk. When he does, Minhyun listens attentively and then holds Jonghyun when he needs to cry.
Days go by, and little by little Jonghyun starts to heal. His nightmares become less frequent and he even finds himself feeling energetic enough to laugh and joke with Minhyun at times. He feels almost ready to go back to his life before the incident. He also feels as much as he enjoys having Minhyun around, it isn’t fair for him to keep staying with Jonghyun and acting as Jonghyun’s care taker. On Friday night when they’re sitting together eating Minhyun’s cooking, Jonghyun tells him that he’s okay enough now, and that Minhyun should go home.
“Are you sure?” Minhyun asks him. It’s all Jonghyun can do not to say that he really wants Minhyun to stay.
“I’m sure.” Jonghyun confirms. “I’m going to go back to work soon, I’m fine. You have your own life to get back to.”
“I could still stay with you even after we both go back to work,” Minhyun asserts, and for a moment Jonghyun feels tempted. “It wouldn’t be any hassle.”
With all the willpower he can muster, Jonghyun shakes his head. “No, you have your own apartment.” He says. “And I need to learn how to rely on myself again.”
“If you’re 100 percent sure, I guess that is what’s best.” Minhyun acquiesces. “Just promise me, if you ever don’t feel good or having any problems, you’ll call me okay?”
“I will,” Jonghyun promises.
“Pinky-swear?” Minhyun insists, extending his pinky towards Jonghyun.
“I pinky swear that I’ll call you if anything comes up,” Jonghyun says, giggling as he locks his pinky around Minhyun’s.
The next day Minhyun goes back to his place, leaving Jonghyun in an empty apartment. Jonghyun feels a twinge of anxiety looking around and not seeing or hearing Minhyun anywhere. He takes a few deep breathes to calm himself. He can do this.
~
A week after waking up in the hospital, Jonghyun goes back to work. Apart from Minhyun, no one else knows all the details of what happened to him beyond the fact that he got hit by a car. He apologizes to Boa for taking so much time off and she waves him off reminding him how he barely used any of his vacation days the previous year. Part of him feels strange sitting in the office chair, going about his job again, but part of him feels as though nothing happened and the last two weeks were just a bad dream. Minhyun is extra attentive to him, bringing him coffee and checking in with him throughout the day, which Jonghyun is deeply grateful for.
Jonghyun still feels weak and shaky a lot of the time, but it gets better each day. There are days when getting out of bed is hard, when the outside world feels terrifying until he actually steps out the door and realizes he can handle it. Sometimes the temptation to hurt himself to make the pounding of is heart and throbbing of his head stop is difficult to resist, but he’s getting better at it. When he can get over the guilt of bothering Minhyun with such things he calls him and Minhyun is there to talk him through it, or when he can, Minhyun finds Jonghyun and stays with him until the urge goes away. Minhyun is always there to support him and gradually he feels comfortable enough to see their other friends again.
~
“Seongwoo wants to know if you’d be interested in joining us for a movie tomorrow.” Minhyun tells Jonghyun as they sit together at Minhyun’s place on a Friday night, eating dinner that Minhyun cooked.
“What movie?” Jonghyun asks between bites. It would be nice to see Seongwoo, and watching a movie would be a good way to spend time with people without having to talk much and risk getting unwanted questions.
“Some action movie that just came out,” Minhyun tells him. “Seongwoo and Daniel are planning on going to the theater to see it tomorrow afternoon.”
Jonghyun takes a bite of his food to give himself time to think. It sounds fine, going to a movie with his friends, no pressure. But part of him still hesitates, scared at what Seongwoo and Daniel have made of the weeks he’s been absent from their friend group’s hang outs.
“You can say no if you don’t want to go.” Minhyun tells him after several moments of silence, reaching out to gently touch Jonghyun’s arm. “Or, if you’re afraid you’ll offend them by saying no, I can just tell Seongwoo we already made plans to do something else tomorrow.”
Jonghyun shakes his head, not wanting Minhyun to have to lie to Seongwoo on his behalf. “It’s fine. I’ll go.”
Minhyun smiles and give his arm a light squeeze. “If you want to leave at any time just tell me and I’ll think of an excuse to tell them, okay?”
Jonghyun nods and then leans over to give Minhyun a little hug.
“Thank you.” He murmurs against Minhyun’s ear.
~
The movie they watch the next day is a bit cheesy, with lots of overdramatic dialogue and an excess of explosions, but it’s fun to watch and Jonghyun appreciates having the opportunity to get caught up in the plot and not think about his life for two hours. Minhyun playfully scolds him for eating more than his fair share of the popcorn they share, and Jonghyun shuts him up by shoving all the remaining popcorn into Minhyun’s mouth as he talks and giggling as it makes him spultter in surprise. The laughs come easier for Jonghyun that day, and he feels more like himself for the first time in a while. He can’t help but notice Seongwoo and Daniel throwing him and Minhyun curious glances from time to time, but he does his best no to think too hard about them.
When the movie is over and they exit the theater Jonghyun is happy that the conversation is focused on the plot of the movie. The four of them talk about their favorite parts, the part that they thought were especially cheesy, and the parts that surprised them. Jonghyun laughs along with the others as Seongwoo an imitation of a particularly cringe-worthy line of dialogue from the movie. Jonghyun is almost a little sad when Seongwoo and Daniel say they have to go do errands so they can’t hang out any longer.
“Jonghyun, one more thing before we go,” Seongwoo says unexpectedly in the movie theater parking lot right before he and Daniel go to their car. “Our dance crew has practice every Monday and Wednesday night at seven, you’re welcome to come any time you want.”
“No pressure of course, but we’d love to see you there.” Daniel adds.
Jonghyun is stuck speechless for a moment, unsure how he feels about his or how he should react. Finally he nods weakly and says he’ll think about it before bidding them goodbye one more time.
Once their gone, Jonghyun feels Minhyun’s hand find its way around his waist.
“Are you okay?” Minhyun asks, looking into Jonghyun’s eyes with concern.
“I’m fine,” Jonghyun assures. “It’s just…” He pauses, thinking of the right way to phrase his thoughts. “A lot to take in.” He finishes. Minhyun smiles and give Jonghyun’s side a little squeeze and Jonghyun lets out an involuntary gasp.
“Ah! That tickles!” Jonghyun squawks, spinning away from Minhyun grasp.
“Oh my gosh, I’m sorry I didn’t realize!” Minhyun apologizes quickly. “I swear it wasn’t intentional!”
“If you say so.” Jonghyun pouts, trying his best not to smile as he stubbornly walks ahead of Minhyun for a few paces. Then he turns back and smiles at Minhyun. “Make me dinner to make up for it?”
“Of course.” Minhyun agrees, catching up with Jonghyun and lacing their fingers together. For the entire way back to his apartment, Minhyun doesn’t let go of Jonghyun’s hand.
~
The next week, Minki calls Jonghyun and they agree to have lunch together the following weekend. Jonghyun is a more than a little nervous to meet Minki properly again after so long, he’s afraid that Minki will be made about him avoiding him before or disappointed by how Jonhyun has changed over the years. Minhyun agrees to come with him, which puts his heart at ease a little. Being around Minhyun makes him feel safe.
Minki doesn’t comment on Minhyun’s presence when they meet him in front of the restaurant. He does seem to have found an old picture of Jonghyun in his embarrassing maid costume from high school, which he shows Minhyun as Jonghyun’s ears burn red. Their conversation is light and easy, reminiscing about their high school days and talking about Minki’s job. When Minki starts talking about how something he saw recently reminded him of a performance Jonghyun did their sophomore year of high school, Minhyun puts his hand on Jonghyun’s thigh under the table and glances at Jonghyun subtly checking in, but Jonghyun surprisingly doesn’t even feel weird taking about dancing. He gives Minhyun a little smile to let him know he’s okay, and makes a comment to Minki about what that performance was like for him. He can’t help but notice the way that Minki’s eyes flit between him and Minhyun, and wonders if Minki is making any assumptions about the two of them. When Minhyun gets up to go to the bathroom, he gets his answer.
“So,” Minki says once Minhyun is out of earshot. “What’s the deal with you two? Is he your boyfriend?”
Feeling himself reddening, Jonghyun quickly shakes his head. “N-no, he’s just a good friend. He’s, er, helped me a lot with some things recently.” Jonghyun explains, not quite sure how to phrase their relationship himself.
“Could have fooled me.” Minki shrugs. “So do you like him?”
Jonghyun hesitates. Of course he likes Minhyun, but he’s not sure if he likes Minhyun in the way that Minki is implying. He’s eternally grateful for how supportive Minhyun has been over the last few weeks and it’s wonderful to finally have someone he can trust with his inner most securities. He’s sure anyone would be lucky to be with someone as caring and attentive as Minhyun, and can’t see how he could possibly deserve to be loved by someone like Minhyun. But at the same time, all the reassuring touches, hand-holding, and comforting embraces Minhyun has given him make him wonder. That doesn’t really seem like something friends would do. Thinking about it makes Jonghyun feel confused and afraid. He doesn’t want to think about what would happen if he was mistaken and ruined things with Minhyun.
“Um… I don’t know.” He finally answers Minki. “It’s complicated.”
“I’m sure you’ll figure it out eventually.” Minki says nonchalantly and Jonghyun is glad that he doesn’t press the topic. They’re silent for a while before Minki speaks again.
“I wanted to tell you I’m sorry if my persistence in catching up earlier made you uncomfortable or anything.” Minki tells Jonghyun suddenly. “I shouldn’t have kept bothering you when it was obvious you didn’t want to see you.”
Dumbstruck for a second, Jonghyun just looks at Minki for a long moment before his thought become clear enough to form words.
“You, uh, don’t have to apologize.” Jonghyun tells him awkwardly. “I was just, well, it had been a long time since I’d thought about everything from back then.” He pauses for a moment, not sure how much to say. “I guess I just wasn’t prepared for it all to come rushing back like that. I really miss dancing, thinking about it is a little painful. It was just easier to try to forget.” He rambles. “I’m sorry for avoiding you.”
“It’s fine, we all have our issues.” Minki tells Jonghyun with an easy smile. “No hard feelings.”
“No hard feelings.” Jonghyun repeats as Minhyun reappears from the bathroom.
“Remember that exchange student, Aron?” Minki has quickly as Minhyun sits back down, pretending like nothing happened.
“Yeah, are you still in contact with him?” Jonghyun asks, not caring whether or not Minhyun is involved in their previous more serious conversation, but genuinely curious about Aron.
“I had completely lost contact with him but then he started working at my workplace out of the blue!” Minki goes on. “I had thought he was planning on staying in the US, but I guess not..”
As the two of them continue to talk about Aron and their other former class mates Jonghyun can see that Minhyun noticed how abrupt their conversation was and that they probably talked about something serious while he was gone. He takes Minhyun’s hand under the table to let Minhyun know everything is alright and he’s not anxious or uncomfortable.
~
Gradually, Jonghyun starts hanging out with the rest of their friend group again like before. He starts coming to their dance performances again and hanging out with them when the group gather together, but he still likes it best when he gets spend time just with Minhyun. It’s hard to be around the others sometimes because they’re all curious about what happened and Jonghyun doesn’t feel comfortable talking about it with anyone other than Minhyun. Minhyun helps him find the words to satisfy their curiosity without putting himself in an uncomfortable situation, telling them bits of the issue without going in depth. All of them seem to understand enough to give him time and space when he needs it.
Jonghyun also starts finding time to catch up with Minki. Sometimes Minhyun comes with him, sometimes he feels comfortable being around Minki without Minhyun’s presence to anchor him. He finds himself thinking a lot about what Minki asked him about Minhyun the first time they met up. What is Minhyun to him? Minhyun, who has been kinder and more supporting than he ever could have imagined. Minhyun who used to just be a coworker he ate lunch with. Jonghyun knows that whatever he feel towards Minhyun is strong; it’s hard to imagine what else it could be other than love.
Love is still scary to Jonghyun. He’s afraid that if he told Minhyun it could ruin everything, but at the same time he trusts that even if Minhyun knew and didn’t reciprocate his feelings he wouldn’t stop being friends with Jonghyun. He’s just afraid that they would become awkward, that Minhyun wouldn’t hold his hand or hug him anymore. He’s content with how they are, so he doesn’t say anything. Maybe somethings are better left unsaid.
~
A month after the he leaves the hospital, Jonghyun attends the crew’s dance practice with Minhyun’s support and encouragement. He’s nervous as he walks to the studio, Minhyun by his side. He has to pause for several moments outside because his hands are shaking too much to open the door. Minhyun takes one of Jonghyun’s hands in both of his and has Jonghyun take deep breaths with him.
“You can do this.” Minhyun tells him, giving his hand a little squeeze.
“I can do this.” Jonghyun repeats back weakly before steeling himself and reaching out to turn the doorknob.
Everyone greets Jonghyun warmly with excited smiles and they eagerly invite Jonghyun to start warming up with them. Once they actually start practicing in earnest, it’s clear that Jonghyun has definitely lost a lot of his former dancing process, but the feeling is still there. He can close his eyes and be completely happy moving to the music. Everyone on the dance crew is incredibly patient and supportive of him and they even offer to include him in an upcoming performance. Jonghyun declines, telling them maybe someday, but right now he’s not ready yet.
Minhyun sits in the corner of the studio the whole practice, smiling softly as he watches them. Every now and then Jonghyun catches his eyes on him and he feels his ears heat up. At one point Seongwoo convinces Minhyun to join them for a basic exercise and he does a silly butt wiggle dance when it’s his turn. Everyone laughs, Jonghyun most of all. Jonghyun can’t help but keep thinking about how cute Minhyun’s dance was for the rest of practice, and as Minhyun walks him back to his apartment afterwards.
“You should perform your butt dance at the crew’s next gig,” Jonghyun tells Minhyun as they walk along the sidewalk, hand in hand. Minhyun laughs.
“No one would want to see that!” He insists. “You guys just thinks it’s funny because it’s stupid.”
“I would want to see it,” Jonghyun insists. “It’s cute.” The words are out before Jonghyun can think better of them and he feels his face heat up and quickly looks away from Minhyun.
“Really?” Minhyun says. Jonghyun feels him stop walking and halts so that he doesn’t have to let go of Minhyun’s hand. He looks back to see Minhyun smiling at him with a look he can’t decipher in his eyes. “I thought your dancing was very cool.” Minhyun tells him suddenly and Jonghyun is about to respond when he feels Minhyun’s lips brush across his cheek. Jonghyun’s heart skips a beat. A split second later Minhyun steps back clapping his hands over his mouth as if suddenly realizing what he just did.
“I- I’m sorry, I got carried away!” Minhyun says red faced. “You can forget about it if it made you uncomfortable, I promise I won’t ever make you uncomfortable like that again!” Before really thinking it through, Jonghyun smiles and takes a step towards Minhyun.
“I don’t want to forget about it,” he tells Minhyun before leaning in to press his lips to Minhyun’s. The kiss is tentative and awkward at first, and then it turns sweet. Minhyun wraps his arms around Jonghyun and pulls him close.
“I think I might be in love with you,” Minhyun whispers in his ear when they break apart. Jonghyun smiles into Minhyun’s shoulder.
“Me too.” He says before leaning up to kiss Minhyun again. Minhyun’s lips are soft and warm and Jonghyun almost feels like an eternity could pass him by and he wouldn’t notice because at that moment this mind is full of Minhyun. But such bliss can’t last an eternity, especially in the darker corners of Jonghyun’s mind where self-doubt start to creep back in. What if he’s making a huge mistake? What if this new romantic development between him and Minhyun burns out quick and ruins everything they have?
“Jonghyun?” Minhyun murmurs against his lips as he pulls away. “You’re shaking, what’s wrong?”
Jonghyun is shaking. He feels terrible for ruining the moment. Minhyun’s face is still on a few inches away from his, but he looks down at Minhyun’s mouth instead of meeting his eyes. Minhyun patiently waits for Jonghyun to answer, and after a few long moments, the words finally come.
“I’m scared.” Jonghyun forces out. “I’m afraid I’ll mess this up and lose you. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you.” Jonghyun can feel himself starting to cry and hates himself more for it. Of course he had to ruin the moment they finally got together like this. Minhyun is probably exasperated with him for reacting this way.
“I don’t want to lose you either.” Minhyun tells him softly, pulling him in close so that his chin rests against Jonghyun’s shoulder. “Do you still want to try this, even though it’s scary? I’ll understand if you’d rather just be friends.”
Jonghyun shakes his head. “No, I want to try.” He says firmly. He doesn’t think he could go back to being just friends now that he knows the feeling of Minhyun’s lips on his. “I just… Please be patient with me?”
“Of course.” Minhyun says, kissing the tears off Jonghyun’s cheeks. It tickles a bit, and Jonghyun giggles despite himself. Minhyun keeps an arm around Jonghyun the whole way back, leaning in to pepper Jonghyun’s face with kisses every few steps.
When they finally reach Jonghyun’s apartment, Jonghyun doesn’t want to say goodbye and not see Minhyun until the next day at work. They stand in Jonghyun’s doorway for a long moment before Jonghyun finally find the courage to say.
“Stay with me tonight?”
Minhyun looks at him funny for a moment and Jonghyun suddenly realizes the potential implications of what he just said.
“I don’t mean… not like, to do anything weird.” He quickly explains. “I just miss you holding me at night.”
Giving Jonghyun an understanding smile, Minhyun nods.
“I miss that too.”