Chapter Text
David “The Crocodile” Johnson leaned back as he sat on the deck of his pontoon boat, leaning back and enjoying the sunshine that hit his face. He was a very large man, very tall and very broad, making the folding chair underneath him strain under his weight.
His size had served him well over the years. When he was young and reckless he had a show called “The adventures of Crocodile Dave!” Which was mostly him running around through nature like a jackass supplexing crocodile’s and punching sharks.
He chuckled to himself. His thick blonde-white mustache bristling as he smiled. Different times...Different times…
That was until he was injured, taking a slash to the throat from a lioness that had nearly killed him. He survived but it took his vocal cords and his dreams of stardom with it. He had been depressed, healing from his injuries and drinking away his sorrows on set in the jungles of Camaroon when he had heard it...A tiny little cry not far from his campsite.
He had wandered down to the edge of the water. Finding a bag there half-stuck in the mud. He had reached down and opened the little moving bag and-
A tiny, beautiful baby girl cried from the inside of the bag, her little brown hands balled into fists, her eyes screwed shut. He picked her up from that muddy bag and took her back to the campsite, despite his producer’s insistence that this was a bad idea, he demanded to adopt the baby right then and there.
He took her to the clinic he had been patched up at, still drunk and covered in bandages but now with a baby in his arms. She was a tad dehydrated and a tad malnourished, but otherwise she was alright. He decided to name her after the lake she was found in, “The Loch Uda” which he shortened to “Laquda” because he was drunk and he had terrible ideas when he was drunk.
He went through the proper agencies in Camaroon, and less than a year later he was on a plane back to the U.S, his show cancelled but a fat royalty check in his pocket and a new daughter in his arms.
He put that money to good use, funding a private nature reserve in the wilds of Florida. Laquda had grown up here wild and feral, running through the swamps and grasslands, her hair wild and tangled behind her. She grew up tall and broad. She went off to find her own destiny, joining the military… She was gone and it just wasn’t the same without her.
Laquda had opened his heart up, and when he saw how happy she had grown up here…
Well..
David “The Crocodile” Johnson became one of Florida's top foster parents, fostering more than 24 children during his long tenure. Earning the nickname “Crocodile dad”. He wasn’t as young as he used to be, so he hadn’t taken in a baby for a while, but he still kept in touch with all of his children, all of them spreading to every corner of the Earth, falling in love, living their dreams, coming back home every Christmas with such amazing stories. Even some grandchildren!
He smiled as he leaned back in his folding chair. He loved them all so much. He was so proud of them.
Suddenly there was a large burst of air that blew over the swamp, rocking his pontoon boat so violently that it nearly capsized. His folding chair was flung into the water as waves upon waves shook the boat violently, forcing him to cling to the railings as he was pelted with water.
From the sky a large red ship slowly descended, parting the clouds with the sharp bow of the ship, the wind flattening the trees of his reserve and sending shockwaves over the water.
Crocodile dad knew of course of the Alternians. They had been all over the news since they had first made contact. He was all for helping neighbors, even intergalactic ones, but why in the heavens were they HERE?
His eyes widened, looking out over the water, at the clearing where he had built his farmhouse looking over the water. The ship was landing practically in his front yard.
His mustache bristled with anxiety. His son Jackson and his first daughter Laquda were visiting, they were grown up and he was sure they could handle themselves but…
Crocodile dad’s mustache bristled with dadlly determination. He leapt from the boat, heedless of the fact that his hawaiian shirt and khaki shorts would undoubtedly be soaked. He swam to shore, rising from the water just as the the red ship touched down on the grassy clearing. He rose from the mud and began to jog hurriedly back home.
Jackson was already in the front yard. He had been visiting Crocodile dad to help get the nature reserve’s finances in order and preparing a couple of grant applications. He was in the front yard, clutching a stack of papers to his chest, his blue and green striped tie undone, his eyes wide as he looked up at the looming red ship.
“Dad!” Jackson cried out when he saw Crocodile dad running towards him and the house “Do you know what’s going on?”
‘No’ Crocodile dad signed back, his large hands trembling with nerves despite himself ‘Where is your sister?’
“Laquda went to the store!” Jackson yelled back “Why are a bunch of aliens in your front yard?”
Just then the red ship began to hiss. Crocodile dad and Jackson looked as a large rectangle pushed out from the seamless exterior, gas hissing out from the split between the ship and the door, depressurizing before the door slid away.
A dark silhouette stood in the doorway, whipcord thin, tall needle-sharp horns that raised up from an angled bob cut. A walkway extended from under her feet, metal plates sliding over each other and clicking into place until they reached the ground.
She stepped into the light. She wore a smart immaculately tailored uniform, edged with violet accents. Thick golden hoop earrings hung from the fins on either side of her head, protecting deep violet gills that continued down her neck.
She looked down at the humans before her passively. “I am Sha-ron Kakkar. The Imperial attorney.” She looked down her hooked nose at Crocodile dad and Jackson. “I am looking for the one that they call...The Crocodile dad…”
Crocodile dad blinked. He stood there dumbfounded, his hawaiian shirt and his khakis soaked and clinging to him. He could already tell that today was going to be a weird day.
Crocodile dad shrugged and waved cheerfully at the troll woman. Grinning as he waved.
Sha-ron stalked down the walkway, her hands behind her back, the picture of militaristic precision. “Good. We are in need of your services.” She walked past Crocodile dad and Jackson, both of them stunned to see that she was actually shorter than the both of them. She continued towards the farmhouse “We’ll talk more inside.”
Jackson put up a hand awkwardly “Wait you just can’t-”
“-My Teal-blood will help you with the paperwork. We have a busy ahead of us.” Sha-ron interrupted, not interested in any of Jackson’s complaints on the matter. She turned towards the ship “KLOWEE!” She yelled and stalked toward Crocodile dad’s farmhouse “DON’T DAWDLE!”
“Yes miss!” Came a shout from the ship.
Jackson turned back to the ship, his hands on his hips, ready to yell at what other alien decided to invade the privacy of his father’s home when-
Have you ever seen someone so beautiful that it makes you want to cry? Jackson hadn’t until this very moment.
The woman stood at the top of the walkway, the light from the inside of the ship making a golden halo around her form. Her hair was around her in long flowing curls that swayed gracefully in the breeze made from the ship’s engines. Her horns swept back in whimsical curls. She wore a teal dress that hugged her thick hips. She took a strand of hair in her taloned fingers and tucked it behind a pointed ear. Thick eyelashes fluttered and thick lips curled into a smile and-
Jackson’s knees were physically weak. Actually he wasn’t sure how he was standing at this point. Was he standing? Maybe he was hit by the ship’s walkway as it came down and he’s now suffering brain injury related delusions about gorgeous alien women and he’s actually bleeding profusely in an ambulance headed to the hospital-
The troll woman skipped down the walkway of the ship, her arms overloaded with papers. Jackson was dimly aware that Sha-ron and his father were walking into the farmhouse but he couldn’t take his eyes off her. She began to follow Sha-ron into the house but paused when she came to Jackson.
“Hi!” She smiled at him. She waved and gave him a small giggle.
Jackson felt like he was hit in the face with a frying pan.
When he didn’t answer, too focused on trying to keep his knees from giving way she just shrugged. “My name is Klowee!” She took his hand and Jack forgot how to breath. She shook his hand from side-to-side a very determined look on her face.
Jackson couldn’t help but laugh, regaining suddenly his ability to function “Ah actually-” He shook her hand up and down “Try it like this.”
Klowee laughed and shook his hand vigorously, up and down this time. “Very nice to meet you-”
“Jackson.” He supplemented, distracted by the fact that they were still holding hands “My name is Jackson.”
She smiled and from this close up he could tell that she had a smattering of freckles over the bridge of her nose. He wanted to lick them. Was that weird? It was probably weird.
She took her hand from his, but before he could be too upset about that she poked one taloned finger against the tie around his neck. “That’s funny.” She snorted “Your tie is green AND blue! You can’t wear green AND blue!”
Jackson was suddenly extremely self-conscious about his attire. His hair is probably mussed from the breeze the ship’s engine’s made. He put a hand to his tie nervously. “Yes well.” He smoothed out his tie nervously “You’re allowed to wear whatever colors you want on Earth.” He grumbled, mentally kicking himself.
Klowee’s eyes widened “What? No!” Her lips pursed and she leaned in closer “...Really?”
Jackson nodded “Ah...yes?”
Klowee giggled, one clawed hand over her mouth “You can really…What about…” She leaned in closer, leaning up on her tippy toes to whisper in Jack’s ears, her thick lips brushing the shell of his ear. He forgot how to breathe.
“...what about…” Klowee whispered, her breath on his ear “...an orange dress...with pink spots?”
This isn’t the usual sort of thing men wished beautiful women whispered gently in their ears. Jackson’s head was dizzy from both her closeness and the absolute ridiculousness of what she just said. “Ummm…” His brows furrowed, struggling to reply as she looked up at him expectantly with big teal eyes “...Yes?”
Klowee snorted. She raised a clawed hand to her mouth “That’s so… improper !”
Before Jackson could answer there was a sharp cry from inside the house.
“KLOWEE.” Sha-ron shrieked “IN HERE. NOW.”
Klowee’s shoulders stiffened, she pulled away from Jackson with a squeak. “Ah! Sorry mistress! Right away!” She trotted quickly towards Crocodile dad’s farmhouse. She paused at the screen door leading into his father’s kitchen, looking back at Jack over her shoulder. “It was nice to meet you!”
And with that she disappeared into the kitchen, leaving Jackson outside on his father’s front lawn, blushing, slightly dizzy and absolutely lovesick in front of a giant alien battleship.
He was going to die. He was going to die and Klowee was going to kill him.
...and he was more than ok with that.
Jackson put his hands to his hips, suddenly realizing that his life had instantly become more difficult than it had been before. “Well today has been weird…”
Behind him a large purple van decorated in airbrushed crocodiles and flame decals swerved off the road leading to the house, crashing into the landing gear of the alien ship.
A very large woman got out of the van, her dark shoulders a line of tension as she glared at the ship in front of her. “MOTHERFUCKER!”
Jackson’s lips pressed into a hard line. Ah...Laquda was home.
Sha-ron watched Klowee from the other side of the screen door as the teal troll sheepishly trotted back to Crocodile dad’s house. Sharon glared out the screen door, her legs crossed and her arms folded.
Sha-ron sighed and turned to Crocodile dad “It’s so hard to find a decent teal these days...Her ancestor was a good friend of mine, a fine warrior, I took her in as a favor to him but…” She rolled her eyes.
Crocodile dad shrugged. He was still muddy from jumping into the swamp, but it certainly wouldn’t be right to go and change now that he had company. He went to his trusty red coffee maker, pulled out two mugs from his cupboard and poured both him and Sha-ron a cup.
He set the coffee cup in front of the alien woman. He sat down across from her with his own coffee.
Sha-ron glanced into the cup, the frills on the side of her face flicking back with disgust. She looked over at him. “I came here as a guest and you try to poison me?”
Crocodile dad shook his head. He leaned over to show her that he had the same in his cup. He then leaned back and took a big sip, sighing contentedly.
Sha-ron picked up the coffee mug. She sniffed the brown liquid and Crocodile dad watched the gills on the side of her neck expand and contract as she breathed. Huh interesting.
She turned back to glare at him “If I die, I will hold you personally responsible. There will be nowhere you can hide from my fleet, they will exact revenge upon you and your filthy planet, the likes of which you can’t even imagine.”
Crocodile dad raised his eyebrows at her, cocking his head.
Sha-ron stiffened “Do NOT look at me as if I am the one being ridiculous!”
Crocodile dad gave her a blank look, glancing from her to the coffee cup.
“Fine!” Sha-ron hissed, picking up her coffee mug with disdain. She pointed a well manicured claw at him, her voice promising darkness and revenge “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
Crocodile dad simply shrugged and took a large sip of coffee.
Sha-ron took a sip of coffee, Crocodile dad couldn’t help but chuckle at the way her nose scrunched up and her fins flared angrily.
She slammed her coffee cup to the table “That was the WORST thing I have EVER tasted!”
Crocodile dad rocked his head back and forth, amused at her reaction.
Sha-ron took another spiteful sip of coffee, glaring at him the entire while over the rim of the mug. “IT TASTES LIKE ACID AND DIRT.”
Crocodile dad smiled at her.
Sha-ron took another sip of coffee. Her brows furrowed “LIKE BURNED VEGETABLE MATTER.”
Crocodile dad watched as she took another vengeful sip, and then another.
Sha-ron glared at the coffee cup in her hands “...why can’t I stop drinking it?”
Crocodile dad shrugged. Amused at his alien guest’s first introduction to coffee.
Sha-ron pushed her now empty mug towards Crocodile dad “I demand another cup.”
Crocodile dad obligingly stood up, taking her cup from her and lumbering to the coffee machine. Sha-ron watched him with keen interest for a moment. She turned and glared out the screen door. Klowee was still talking to the human there. She rolled her eyes. “KLOWEE!” She yelled. Crocodile dad jumped at her scream, accidentally spilling hot coffee on his hand. Sha-ron watched her teal stiffen at her call “IN HERE. NOW!”
Crocodile dad took his hand to the sink and turned on the tap, running the burn under hot water.
Sha-ron’s frills twitched at the sound of the sink. She turned towards him and winced. “...My apologies. Did I startle you? That was careless of me…”
Crocodile dad smiled at her, he waved away her concern, drying his hand off with a tea towel he had hanging from a hook in the kitchen.
Klowee slunk into the room, closing the screen door quietly behind her. She bowed sheepishly at Sha-ron. “Forgive me mistress.”
Sha-ron sighed. “A teal is to be attentive Klowee.” Sharon warned her sternly, though there was a touch of concern furrowing her brow. “I may be lenient with such things but another violet blood may not be…”
Klowee bowed slightly “I’m sorry.” She whispered.
Sha-ron shook her head “Don’t be sorry, be better.” Now sit down and have a cup of this disgusting hot human plant water.”
Klowee’s brow furrowed “Ma’m?”
Crocodile dad smiled and filled another cup of coffee for Klowee. Setting both cups in front of the alien women. Klowee accepted her cup of coffee with more than a little concern. Sharon immediately downed her cup as Klowee watched with horror.
Zach, the skinny little Korean boy that was Laquda’s not-boyfriend pulled himself out of the passenger window of the van. He sat in the window ledge, his skinny jean-clad legs still dangling on the inside of the vehicle. He took an obnoxiously loud slurp from the icee in his hands, watching as Laquda angrily paced in front of her nearly totalled van, the front hood crinkled and smoking where it had hit the landing gear of the ship.
“Lol.” He grinned at Laquda “Get rekt.”
Laquda’s eyes were drawn to the landing gear of the ship. More specifically what the landing gear had squashed.
Zack leaned over and winced. “Oh shit it’s the anger management garden.”
Jackson winced as he watched Laquda in the yard “Oh shit…it’s the anger management garden…”
Laquda grit her teeth, breathing heavily, clenching her fists so hard that the cords of her muscled arms stood up. It was the fucking garden. The fucking court mandated GODDAMN ANGER MANAGEMENT garden! The one she was tasked to make as a part of her anger management course after she chucked an ice cream machine out of the front window of a local Mcdonald’s.
She had SLAVED in that garden! Done shit like WEEDING and PRUNING there was a FUCKING TOPIARY. A TOPIARY SHE HAD PAINSTAKINGLY SCULPTED INTO A VEINY COCK IN HONOR OF THE DICK JUDGE THAT MADE HER GO TO ANGER MANAGEMENT in the FIRST PLACE.
Laquda dropped to her knees, the picture of dramatic fury before an oath of bloody revenge is taken. “MY.” Laquda wheezed through her gritted teeth “FUCKING.” Her voice was the war drum echoing over the bloodied battle field “TULIPS!!!”
“Oh shit.” Zack paused where he had been slurping his icee “The fucking tulips.”
“Oh shit.” Jackson grimaced where he was watching his older sister scream on the front lawn “The fucking tulips.”
Laquda clenched a fist full of dying posies, her eyes dark. “SOMEONE WILL BLEED FOR THIS.” She growled.
“Eh.” Zach went back to his slurpee “So much for the anger management garden. I will miss thee, giant veiny dick topiary.”
Laquda stood up from the field, her fist full of dying tulips and she trudged towards the house. “WHO THE FUCK LANDED THEIR FUCKING SHIP IN MY FUCKING COURT MANDATED ANGER MANAGEMENT GARDEN!?” Laquda bellowed.
Jackson put up his hands as his sister approached “Laquda! For once in your fucking life DON’T!”
Laquda growled and pushed past him and into the house. Zack followed close behind her, an eager smile on his face, waiting to see who Laquda was about to pummel.
Jackson rolled his eyes as Zack walked past him “Why are you even here? Don’t you have your own house to go to?”
Zack watched him blandly over the top of his icee cup. “Oh yeah.” He burped slightly “Your FACE has it’s own house to go to.”
Jackson threw up his hands “What does that even MEAN?”
Zack walked past him after Laquda “Your FACE is what it means!”
Sha-ron set her coffee cup back down onto the kitchen table. “Mr. Johnson, or er, Crocodile dad, we are here to ask your help on a very important matter…”
Crocodile dad nodded, his brows furrowing.
“We need you to-”
Just at that moment the screen door slammed open, the light from outside eclipsed by Laquda’s very large, very angry form. Laquda pointed a thick finger accusingly at the aliens sitting at her father’s kitchen table.
“ALRIGHT YOU ALIEN ASSHOLES.” Laquda growled, pointing back to the ship and the decimated garden beneath it “WHICH ONE OF YOU FUCKS LANDED YOUR FUCKING SHIP IN MY COURT MANDATED ANGER MANAGEMENT GARDEN?”
Sha-ron looked back at Laquda, an unimpressed look on her face. She took a sip of coffee impassively. “That would be me.”
Laquda loomed over Sha-ron “MOVE YOUR FUCKING SHIP.”
Sha-ron smiled at her. Her teeth behind her purple painted lips, glinting like a knife in the dark. A silent but bloody promise. “No.” She answered simply.
Laquda growled, she reached for Sh-ron but-
-but before she could lay a hand on Sha-ron the much smaller troll woman’s hand shot out. Her clawed hand fisted in Laquda’s “Guns out until the suns out” t-shirt, lifting the startled Laquda right up off the floor.
Still sitting in the kitchen chair, holding up Laquda with one hand, Sha-ron placidly took another sip of coffee before speaking. “Let us get one thing straight.” She pulled Laquda in closer, baring her needle sharp teeth as she hissed “I. DO. NOT. TAKE. ORDERS. FROM. HUMANS.”
She then threw Laquda across the kitchen, Laquda slammed into Crocodile dad’s cabinets, sliding down the wood to sit on the floor in a flabbergasted heap.
Crocodile dad gave Sha-ron a harsh look, slamming a fist to the table to get her attention. ‘Don’t you dare touch my daughter’ he signed forcefully.
Sha-ron blinked at him “What?”
Crocodile dad sighed and took a pen and paper from the top of the table. ‘Don’t you dare touch my daughter!’ he wrote down, passing the paper to Sha-ron.
Sha-ron accepted the note, pulling up a pair of pearl-plated reading glasses.
Klowee turned to Crocodile dad “Um...can’t you…”
Crocodile dad smiled kindly at her, he stretched up his neck and patted a hand across the long scar trailing across his neck.
Klowee put a hand to her mouth “Oh! I’m so sorry!”
Crocodile dad shrugged good-naturedly.
“Ah.” Sha-ron put down the paper, pulling down her reading glasses. “My apologies, I did not know she was yours.” She turned to give Laquda a disdainful look down her hooked nose “I would hope you do not raise all of your children to be so...crass.”
Crocodile dad shrugged. He pulled back the pen and paper and scratched out another note.
‘She’s stupid, but I love her dearly. So if you want me to help you with whatever it is you’re doing, no more throwing her around!’
Sha-ron took the note and shrugged. “Fair enough.” Sharon took off her glasses. She turned to Klowee. “Get the crate.”
Klowee stiffened in her seat. “...Do I have to?”
Sha-ron shot her a look.
Klowee put down her coffee cup and hurried out the door, past Jackson who was just now opening the screen door leading in. There was an awkward moment where both were stepping through the door at the same time.
“Oh uh sorry I-” Jackson stammered.
Klowee giggled and slipped by him, leaving Jackson blushing and confused in his father’s kitchen. He shook his head to clear his thoughts, stepping over one of Laquda’s meaty legs as his sister continued to sit dumbfounded on the floor.
‘Father.’ Jackson signed to Crocodile dad ‘need me to translate?’
Crocodile dad smiled at his son ‘Well we seem to be doing just fine with pen and paper!’ Crocodile dad signed back ‘I certainly won’t object to any help though! Thank you, you’re so thoughtful!’
Jackson laughed “It’s no trouble at all.” He said out loud. He turned to Sha-ron, bowing slightly at the troll woman. “I can act as a translator”
Sha-ron smiled at him “Oh good.” She looked out the window where Klowee was returning to the ship, a large rate in her hands, something inside shaking violently back and forth. “We should take this outside.” Sha-ron mused “I would hate to ruin your lovely home.”
Jackson and Crocodile dad shared a worried look.
Sharon stepped over Laquda. She smiled down at the human woman. “Behave.” She ordered smugly before exiting the house, Crocodile dad following close behind her.
Zack entered the kitchen once they had left. He leaned over Laquda with a snicker. “Get rekt son.” He whispered.
Laquda watched Sha-ron leave, the swagger of her hips as she sauntered across the lawn.
“I am so fucking turned on right now….” Laquda whispered.
Zack broke out into a fit of giggles.
Jackson rolled his eyes “Ew. Gross.”
“WHAT SHE’S HOT OK?” Laquda grumbled.
Jackson didn’t answer her, just slamming the screen door shut behind him as he followed after Sha-ron and Crocodile dad, trotting slightly to catch up.
“As you know.” Sha-ron stated as she and Crocodile dad walked through the field towards Klowee “Our planets came to a treaty under the new condescension Lilana.” Sha-ron rolled her eyes “However our new condescension is…” Crocodile dad looked at her expectantly as Sha-ron struggled to find the right word “...extremely easy to manipulate, unfortunately.” Sha-ron finished. “She’s young and has worked to better the conditions of our race but lately she has come under the influence of another violet blood.” Sha-ron sighed “Whiteman, names after the armor he wears, made from the shells of lusii. He is dedicated to the “traditions” of the Alternian race, most notably war and bloodshed.”
Crocodile dad nodded, a grim expression on his face. Jackson caught up to them just as Crocodile began to sign.
Jackson turned towards Sha-ron “He’s asking how he can help.”
Sharon nodded “Only a fuschia blood can take the throne. If Lilana takes our planet back to the dark ages well...she may have to be overthrown. Their kind is extremely rare. We were able to find another fuschia, but Whiteman and his supporters are vicious, they do not wish to lose a ruler that can be so easily manipulated to their goals…”
Klowee set the hissing and growling box in front of them, stepping back as something thrashed and screamed inside.
Sharon looked to Crocodile dad “We need someplace safe to keep the princess, and a capable caretaker to raise her.”
Sha-ron went to the box. She pressed a hand to a scanner on the outside of the box. The mechanism beeped and the lock disengaged. Sha-ron stepped back from the box.
Crocodile dad stepped forward.
He lifted up the top of the box and.
There was a tiny girl inside. She couldn’t have been older than two or three based on what he knew of human children. She sat in the corner of the box, sniffling and crying, wiping pink tears with a tiny clawed hand.
She looked up at him, her face framed with the same frills that Sha-ron had, only pink. A tiny gold circlet sat on the top of her head under little curved horns.
Her little lips curved into a smile at the sight of Crocodile dad “Kerikidu!” She gasped and raised her little arms.
Crocodile dad was already smitten with her, picking her obligingly up from the box.
He held her in his arms, the little princess’s hands going to his beard and petting it with awe. “Kerikidu!” She giggled and kicked her little feet.
Crocodile dad laughed and signed something to Jackson.
Jackson smiled and turned to Klowee and Sha-ron “He’s asking what she’s saying.”
Klowee smiled “Oh uh, it’s a type of lusus! What’s something similar you have on your planet..umm…” She snapped her fingers “A kitty!”
The little girl laughed and patted his beard “Kerikidu! Kerikidu!”
Crocodile dad laughed, signing something else to Jakson.
Jackson translated for the aliens “He’s asking what her name is.”
Sha-ron shook her head. “Our kind do not name ourselves until we come of age.”
Klowee shrugged “I’ve been calling her small empress.”
Sha-ron rolled her eyes.
‘I will call her Minnie then.’ Crocodile dad signed, grinning at his new daughter in his arms ‘My mini princess’
