Chapter Text
"my own words for my one and only,
Jihoonie"
Summer
[ENTRY I]
Hi, it’s me again, Park Woojin. The doctors said that I only have 1 year to live on. And it’s just so wrong. It’s so fucking wrong that I had seen Jihoon. He is already well, but why do I have this urge to approach him? I want to tell him that I am sincerely sorry for everything. But that is really ridiculous. I sound like a fool. I broke him. I don’t deserve to approach someone who has a bright future ahead of him already. He had been doing well in class. I asked his classmate, Jinyoung, because I thought he was his boyfriend. I know, I am like an idiot. I am, though. Really. I am a complete idiot when it comes to him. I do a lot of unexpected things, only for him. Only for my Jihoon. That party, was he really concerned? But Jihoon was really like that and still probably is. He always puts everyone before him. He likes to assure that everyone is doing fine before he take care of himself. I loved him for that. I love how genuine he is. I love how he is the opposite of me. I love all of his being. And I hate that I had hurt him.
Autumn
[ENTRY I]
We kissed. His eyes, the way he looked at me. It was so damn beautiful. Why does it have to be time that we’re against to? I want to hold him in my arms. Whisper delicate words that I failed to say before. Whisper how I am so goddamn in love with him that he makes my heart aches. Whisper how I am so sorry of everything because a single one isn’t enough. I love him, Park Jihoon. And I will only love him. Even if I die. Oh yes, I forgot, I will really die. Only few months, Woojin. Please just be strong so you can have more time with him.
[ENTRY II]
We had a date. It was simple. I brought him homemade food because he said that he never received something from a person he treasures. I knew about his story, it makes me mad that I cannot do anything. I am not even allowed to have an interaction with him without being cautios of his parents. I am selfish for saying this, but why? Why does he let them control his life? Why does he let them be the master of his own body? I want to get him out of that house but I don't have the rights to. I am just his lover...his coward lover. And I cannot do anything but to watch him pretend that being controlled is alright.
Sorry, Jihoonie. I am useless.
Winter
[ENTRY I]
Fuck...I can feel his breath on my neck. It's tickling me but at the same time, provides me warmth in this cold ass hospital room. Really, Jihoonie, stop making my heartbeat faster. I cannot sleep at night because your face is just too beautiful. I want to stare at it, memorize all of the curves. Your sharp nose, your galaxy eyes and your lips. The lips that I won't get tired of kissing. They say that when you reach heaven, you will forget about everything. I am scared. Scared that I will forget about you. Scared that I won't remember to watch you all day. I am so fucking scared to die because of you. I want to always stay with you
[ENTRY II]
I can feel it. It is fast approaching. My body is getting weaker and weaker everytime I wake up. I hope you didn't feel how my fingers tremble beneath your touch. Thank you for saying that it is your way of giving me strength, by caressing my fingers. By kissing me while whispering gentle words. I am the one who should do those to you but in the end, I am still useless. I don't deserve you. You're too lovely, too fragile and too gentle. I am afraid to break you again by the time I'll make my last breath. Please don't hate me if I will decide to push you away the moment I'll sense it. I don't mean to but it is the right thing to do. I don't want you to see me struggling while fighting for my life. I want you to only think about the happy memories, and not something that will haunt you forever. Please don't be mad, my Jihoonie, I know you'll understand. Just keep in mind that I love you. I loved you, the moment I laid my eyes on you. You were like the flowers blooming in spring, calming and ethereal.
Spring
Hello, Mr. Park Woojin! This is your one and only, Park Jihoon, telling you that I am doing fine. I want to say sorry, first. You fought so hard in order to stay with us but look at me, I attempted something that I shouldn't have done. I know it's not right to say it but I saw your image before my world turned into black. Was it a sign? Was it your way of telling me: "dammit Park Jihoon, what are you doing"? And hey, thank you for introducing Daehwi to me. Without him, I think I wouldn't be able to keep moving. The two of you think alike, it's funny and scary. It's like I am talking to you but with a much cuter and softer version of you. Kidding aside, I miss you already. No, I am always missing you, I never failed to.
Is it cold there? Do you need your pink track suit? The weather here is so great, the flowers are so beautiful. Since it is my free time, I indulge myself into painting again. I feel like the brushes are whispering to me to draw you. Just with flowers lol. Guanlin jokingly said that I should do an exhibit because, you, being my model would be such a hit. I laughed way too hard when he said that, I definitely agree. You're way too powerful that a stranger would spare their minute just to stare at how beautiful you are. You have always been so beautiful.
As time passes by, my life keeps on doing fine. People around me changed. My mother doesn't control me anymore. It's a little bit awkward but at least I know, something changed. On the other side, my father, he always ask me to play golf with him. He smiles at me with warmth and love in his eyes. It feels comforting and for once, I feel loved in my own home. I am thanking you for this, he said that you were the reason. He said that you approached him and begged him to spend time with me. Why didn't you tell me? You are so brave, my love, I really adore you for that.
I won't make this long because I know that you have so little patience for long messages and just...anything long with words in it. Will this reach you if I ship it via dove to heaven? I don't know how to bring this to you but I think you're peeking and reading it while I am writing. So, Mr. Park Woojin, I just want to say that I love you. I love you so much, with all my heart and my growing bald hair. I think, I am liking this look and I am solely thanking you for introducing it to me. Goodbye for now, Woojinie, I'll come back with a much longer and more emotional letter. Don't worry, I am taking care of your family. Yerim misses you and so does Choco. That dog keeps on waiting at your front door, it's heartbreaking. I know you're always watching us so I am not worried. I hope you're doing fine now. I'll try my best to bring back the old me so that you'll be proud that you have loved the most amazing person, also known as, yours truly.