Chapter Text
It was near midnight when his smartphone produced a faint beep; the sound notification alerted him of a new unread chat message. Since it was the 30th of December and he was on holiday, Seonho was spending his hours playing games on his console—the Italian plumber was accompanied with a new ghost friend posed as his cap. He was using the companion’s ability to possessed a giant dinosaur when the notification listed on his screen.
He paid no mind to it—simply swipe to unlock his phone. The chat popped on the screen and Seonho glanced over; he assumed it was Guanlin who sent him the message, since the older male always send these kind of random messages on such ungodly hour.
Then he read the name written on the top of the chat, and the world suddenly stopped. There was a sudden ring on his ear, deafening yet silencing the world around him; the loud sound effect from the television muted into a dull, low volume version.
Seonho could felt the trembling of his hands as he pressed the PAUSE button, heart drummed wildly against his ribcage, his mouth felt dry all of the sudden. His breath hitched as he scanned his phone’s screen, the white chat bubble was contrast against the blue background. The first bubble contained his name, followed with another one beneath.
“Are you free on the 1st?”
He wanted to immediately reply the message. He wanted to ask why. His heart fluttered like the flaps of Mockingbirds’s tiny wings. There was something inside him, restless yet excited, swirled around like the pestering ghost from the past. And yet he sat still on his couch, legs crossed, body numb as his lips formed a broken smile.
“Why now, Hyung?”
He wanted to laugh. Really. “Why now, after all these times?” He muttered his questions, thumbs tapped his screen back and forth—typed and erasing why over and over again. The cursor blinked, mocked him each time, and Seonho debated with himself.
Should he respond? What should he reply? Since he opened the chat, he was 100% sure that Minhyun’s chat was marked as read on the latter’s phone. There were unseen preassures that made him really uncomfortable. It wasn’t Minhyun Hyung’s fault, a voice inside him whispered, and he knew it.
The older male never mislead him—it was the young, hot blooded Seonho who keep pestering the older male, asking for the latter’s affection. Minhyun never flirt with him, never giving him hope of a love relationship. The now WANNA ONE member even distanced himself for a while, asked Seonho for a space to breathe. The only promise the older male gave him was the one he announced on the show: that he will treat Seonho to eat some meat later. The promise that Minhyun haven’t fulfilled yet.
He wasn’t even yours to begin with, the same voice whispered again. Seonho closed his eyes, his smartphone plopped onto the couch, between his legs. The memories replayed cruelly like a broken record, generated the familiar pain of heartache.
The music event.
He was looking for Minhyun backstage.
One of the staff informed him, so he went to the last room on the corridor.
He remembered he wanted to surprise Minhyun. He tiptoed and peeked slowly: Inside, he saw his Minhyun hyung with another male. He couldn't see the latter's face, but Seonho recognized that particular back: it was Jonghyun.
Seonho wanted to call both of them when the epiphany hit him. Words died inside his throat as he realized the way Minhyun stared at the latter. Sweet, filled with adoration—smile was gentle and heartfelt; those fingers trailed on Jonghyun's cheeks as Minhyun leaned in. “I missed you so much.”
Jonghyun replied with a soft, “Me too.” and Minhyun cupped the latter's cheeks, pulled the other male closer before sealed their lips together. The kiss was tender and passionate—Jonghyun circled his arms around Minhyun's shoulders and tried his best to prolonged the kiss with small pecks before the taller male crushed their lips together once more.
“Wait for me, I'll be back soon.”
It was the moment when Seonho’s heart shattered as the world crumbled beneath his feet.
“You are never mine to begin with,” Seonho lamented, “And I’ve been such a fool.”
He cried right after that scene, bawled his eyes out on the secluded corner booth on the toilet, muffled his voices down so he won’t be found out. He still cried later that night, and the day after—and many days after; felt steadily numb and number in each passing time.
Yet, his feelings and the stings lingers. After all, he never have his closure. He said to Guanlin that he wanted to move on, to bury the past—but he still got a heavy shackles chained his feet, dragging him back.
He need to take the first step.
Gulped, Seonho’s chest felt tight as he grabbed his phone and typed his words down. “Ah, sorry Hyung,” He lied, “I just checked the chat. So sorry for the late reply.” It was obvious, since Minhyun absolutely saw the read sign minutes ago, but the older male seemed to okay with his excuse.
“It’s okay,” The first bubble chat popped after two agonizing minutes, “I finally have another day off on the 1st. So if you’re free, lets visit the BBQ and eat some meat. I promised you, after all.”
That after all didn’t sit well with Seonho. There was a nagging feeling about that phrase: as if Minhyun have no choice else to invite it. Because he made a promise and like it or not, he need to fulfil his words to Seonho. On his previous days when he put Minhyun on a pedestal and swoons everytime he see the latter, Seonho probably be okay with it—but at the moment he felt as if he nitpicked everything just so he could have a reason, any reason to blame the older male.
“I thought you already forgot about it,” His own chat bubble felt malicious with hidden sarcasm; bitter since Minhyun took so many months to actually invite him to eat out. He send the sentence furiously, but then the guilt start to chew his inside. It wasn’t Minhyun Hyung’s fault, the voice inside him whispered again. I know, he thought back.
It was another two minutes for the latter to replied his chat. “No way,” Minhyun typed, “So let’s meet on the 1st?”
Seonho bit his lips, tried his best to compose his reply—but the sound notification beeped again, followed with a new chat bubble: “If you’re free.”
“What do you mean with ‘if you’re free’ Hyung?!” Seonho palmed his face and whined. He threw himself on the couch, twisted and rolled his body around—long limbs flailing on the air. He knew it was him who overreact—overanalysing everything, dissected Minhyun’s words syllables by syllables—but Seonho couldn’t help it.
“Okay,” He replied after another minute of hesitation, “I’ll come. Let’s meet.”
Instinctively he typed ‘I miss you’—his thumb hovered on the send button for several seconds before he moved to the delete button instead. No, he told himself, You said that you want to move on right, Seonho? Don’t be a fool. Don’t do that. Don’t tell him that you miss him so much, after all these times.
“You can do this,” He told himself, “You can move on, Yoo Seonho.”
Minhyun reserved a small VIP room for the two of them.
The BBQ joint the older picked was one if the best in Gangnam, and it was always packed. Seonho was surprised that Minhyun got them a room in such a sudden notice, so he speculated the latter spent a little fortune to book the room when he saw the reservation notice Minhyun sent him to their chat.
After all despite the smaller size, the room was decorated elaborately. Themed in traditional Korean style, there were paper lantern lamps hanging, a wall filled with faux paper screen doors with floral paintings on them, accented with dark lacquered wooden panel. The wooden floor was smooth and shiny, the colour was light and paler—contrasted the wood on the panelled walls. There was an actual window on the other side of the wall, the staff let one of the window open: showed them the beautiful scenery outside.
Minhyun was sitting there, inside, waiting for him when Seonho came. The older male waved him a welcoming gesture, “Seonho-ya…!” The waitress dressed in beautiful colourful hanbok showed him the way, then bowed politely before she left the two of them together. “Please enjoy your food,” she said in a soft, bashful tone—she seemed to recognized the two of them. Seonho smiled back and replied her a cheerful thank you before he approached the table and sat down on the prepared sitting pillow.
“They have the best Korean beef here,” Minhyun told him. Seonho nodded in response. They sat facing each other, the low table separated them. Assorted side dishes in small white platter filled the table, left some sparse space near the built in grill. There was an elongated exhaust nozzle perched atop of their sizzling samgyeopsal, the delicious aroma of cooked meat filled the room.
Minhyun handed him a set of metal chopsticks—the BBQ place stored their utensils on secret drawer under the table. Seonho’s personal plate and dipping sauce had been placed before he came—the restaurant logo was etched on the rounded edge.
“So,” Minhyun smiled, eyes stared straight onto Seonho’s, “How are you these days?”
Those eyes were still crinkled in the same way; just as before, just like I remembered him. The realization hit Seonho hard, but he swallowed it and smiled back. “I’m good,” He replied in sing-song tone, tried his best to be the usual cheerful self: just like the old naive version of himself. He didn’t want Minhyun to notice his heartache. “And I bet you were super busy, Hyung.”
Minhhyun laughed, “So do you, right Seonho-ya? I saw those MVs and webdramas. You’re good with your acting.”
“You… watched my webdramas…?” Seonho didn’t know how should he properly react. He was obviously happy that the latter was paying attention to him and his activities during these months they couldn’t meet—the old Seonho will surely bursting with glee. But there was some consciousness inside him these particular moment: the one who kept reminding him that Minhyun’s attention means nothing and the one who the latter love was obviously not him.
And I hoped that you don’t have any double meaning when you told me that I’m good with my acting, Hyung…. coz I’m doing one at the moment. Acted my charade as my usual happy go lucky person.
“Eat,” Minhyun helped him picked the meat, placed them on the perilla leaf along with some julienned greens and red brown coloured sauce, offered the wrap to Seonho’s lips, “You’re losing weight.”
Against his will, Seonho’s heart fluttered. The older male rarely showered him with affection like this—it was always Seonho whom pursued the latter. He opened his lips, let Minhyun feed him the wrap; the latter’s thumb slightly brushed his own lips. In front if him, Minhyun smiled: a really gentle smile with amused gleam on those dark orbs. “Isn’t it delicious?”
“It is,” Seonho nodded, replied between his chews. The meat was juicy, marinated well. The taste was totally splendid. Minhyun seemed pleased with his reaction, “Then eat more, Seonho-ya.”
Seonho obliged—ate pieces of grilled meat alternated with the one in wraps. It was delicious and he was happy to eat the meal with Minhyun; occasionally asked the latter about some trivial matter about jobs. He was tip-toeing about the topics around Nu’est and Jonghyun, focused on the older male’s recent activities instead, before narrated his own schedules these days.
“So you acted on another MV?”
“Wanna see?,” Seonho fished out his own phone from his jeans pocket, “This one supposedly to be confidential since the song hadn’t been released yet, but I starred on Jo-Kwon sunbae’s MV for his latest ballad.”
He didn’t have any clips of the MV of course, but he got pictures he took during the set. There was also his self recording of himself talking to the camera, served as the behind the scene video. He also showed Minhyun the selfie he took from the former 2 AM member. “Make sure to watch me on the MV too, Hyung~!” Seonho laughed, “I tried really hard to immerse with my character.”
“You looked sad.”
The statement made Seonho taken aback. “The right word,” He tried to smile as he corrected the latter, “is vuneravble. My character supposed to be stressed out—he was a director for the stage, he planned the stage with the piano and all. In the end, he left the stage that he made—I need to leave before turned around and saw the stage for one last time.”
“But that didn’t explained why your character need to acted so sad—“
“Vunerable,” Seonho corrected the older male once again,”Well, I assumed the stage will be his last work or something like that, you know Hyung? Like, he need to leave and move on. My character’s expression suited the lyrics though. The director asked me to acted that way. The theme is parting after all.”
Minhyun filled the grill with another batch of meats, and Seonho filled his own stainless cup with water. “You know,” He lied, “I don’t quite know how it feels. Parting, I mean. It wasn’t like I have a lot of experience of that—so I watched a lot of dramas to grasped the feelings.” It was a lie, the voice within him whispered, You were hurt and you were using the painful memories—you were thinking about Minhyun the whole scene. That you need to finish all of these and you need to leave. You need to cut off the remains of your lingering feelings. And you convinced yourself that you’ll surely able to move on after you bid your farewell.
“Seonho-ya?”
Minhyun’s voice brought him back from his thoughts. He was deep inside his own bubbles of thoughts that he ended up spacing out—his chopsticks were hanging mid-air, failed to bring the chopped salad to his mouth.
“Are you alright?”
Seonho quickly nodded. “I’m fine. I’m only thinking too hard—“ Then he changed the topic immediately, “Want me to sing the lyrics? Jo Kwon-sunbaenim’s song, I mean.”
Minhyun seemed still concerned and not sure, but he nodded slowly regardless. “Sure,”
Seonho licked his lips as he prepared, started his act by humming the beginning chords—he tapped his fingers onto the table, counted his beats. In a slightly wavering, emotion-filled tone he started to sing.
Like the dawn sky that is dyed red with the sunrise
My heart gets filled with you more and more
Like drawing on a brand new white canvas
I’m filling up my empty heart with you
The dawn sunrise is so beautiful like you
I long for you, who spreads in my heart
I miss you so much, every night you come to me
So I bury you in the sky and I ask
Are you happy?
He ended his singing with a shy grin. “The real song is much better,” He muttered, “So please do watch the MV okay Hyung?” Minhyun clapped his hand nevertheless, patted Seonho’s shoulder. “Don’t be so modest, you did great Seonho-ya…!”
Seonho smiled for the praise, “You only praised me because ballad is your favourite genre, right?”
“That’s not right, you did sing well,” Minhyun’s smile went wider. Those fingers reached onto Seonho’s hair, ruffled the locks fondly. Seonho hold his breath, tried his best not to blush. No, He told himself, He’s not yours. You can’t—
A ringtone from Minhyun’s phone broke the moment. The thin, round rectangle device beeped and vibrated on the table—playing the generic incoming call tone on repeat. Minhyun took his phone; his finger left Seonho’s hair. Seonho felt like he just received an invicible blow. See? The name showed the phone screen consisted two capital letter: JR. He’s not yours, he’s never been yours.
“Yes?” Minhyun answered the call with a huge, gentle smile. There were sparkles on those dark orbs, the kind that never showed up whenever the Pledis member spent his time with Seonho. The CUBE trainee wanted to look elsewhere; there was a sad, heavy feelings on his chest as he felt the déjà vu sensation drowned him into the bitter memories of previous music event incident. “I’m with Seonho—you wanna see him? Wait…”
Seonho watched Minhyun ended the call, and opened the facetime app instead. Seconds latter, Jonghyun’s face filled Minhyun’s screen: smiles and all. The Nu’est and Nu’est W leader waved happily to them, his tone was excited. “Seonho-ya…!” The voice was warm with parental love, “Ah, I haven’t see you for a while. You’re looking good. How’s the meal?”
“It’s good!,” Seonho tried his best to act cheerful, “The meat is totally delicious. It’s totally worth to wait six months for the feast…!” And the three of them laughed. Jonghyun scolded Minhyun for not doing the BBQ earlier, and the so called emperor replied the scolding with aegyo-tone plea saying he was busy with WANNA ONE and barely have time for himself either.
Ah, Seonho thought, So you can acted cutesy in front of your lover eh Hyung…?
“IS THAT MINHYUN AND SEONHO?”
All of the sudden, Kang Dongho’s face filled the screen. Apparently he took the phone from Jonghyun, “Ah, finally!! Seonho-ya, how’s the meal? Is it good? Minhyun finally took you out for the meat…!” Then he was pushed aside, and Choi Minki’s face took 2/3 of the screen, “Seonho-yaaaaaa…! Happy new yeaaaarrr! How’s the meal? Is the meat delicious?” followed with Aron’s voice on the background: “Oh, you guys are facetiming? Wait, let me see them as well—hey!”
It was chaos on the other side of the call, but sounded totally warm and fun. Seonho laughed for his hyungs’s antics, and finally stole a glance on Minhyun—The latter’s eyes were filled with fondness, yet somewhat longing. “Aish, you guys…”
Seonho just smiled.
Minhyun insisted to send him back to his dorm, but Seonho refused. “It’s okay,” The self proclaimed byeongari trainee shook his head, “I came here with my manager. She was waiting with the car. But thanks for the offer, Hyung…!”
The older male let a sigh and hugged him, ruffled his hair for a while. “Happy new year,” He whispered, “Ah seriously, you guys grow up so much these days. Have a wonderful year, Seonho-ya. You’re doing great.”
Seonho hugged back, nuzzled his face on the crook of Minhyun’s neck—inhaled the latter’s W Dressing scent as if this will be the last time ever. “Thanks, Hyung. Happy new year.” He didn’t ask for a kiss or asking permission to kiss the latter’s cheek, and Seonho smiled as he felt to pat himself on the shoulder, Nice first step. Move on, myself.
“Bye,” He mouthed as Minhyun went to YMC’s van, waved him goodbye from the distance. Seonho waved back, excitedly, then he went to get his own manager. The manager noona didn’t ask him about anything—even though Seonho looked like he will cry at any moment. The older female just patted his back and gave him a cute patterned handkerchief before helped him to close the door, climbed onto the driver seat immediately. “Back to the dorm?” She asked, and Seonho nodded, “Yes, please.”
It was still barely evening as their car joined the traffic, the sky was painted in faint scarlet on the horizon. There were barely any clouds, and Seonho felt the sudden melancholy of Winter. He fished out his phone, typed his chat to Minhyun.
“Hyung?” His first bubble chat soon followed with another, “I have fun today. Thank you.”
Minhyun’s reply popped up almost immediately, “For the BBQ? jk” Seonho laughed for the latter’s dry humour, Minhyun always failed miserably on his attempt to humour others. Seonho hesitated for a while, yet he send his reply, “For everything.”
He almost send his other message of “Please be happy. Always.” but he hit the delete button instead. It sounded like totally the end of everything, as if the world will be destroyed in armageddon… and no. Seonho’s world will be okay, no matter what, and he will do good. He will be great, Minhyun said so before.
I'll be okay.
Even without you by my side.
I’ll move on.
And this is my first step.