Chapter Text
Keith stood outside of Lance’s pod, already having come out of his own hours ago. He touched the glass with the back of his hand, looking at the expressionless face of his fellow paladin on the other side.
He couldn’t wait for Lance to come out, but he also dreaded it.
After the red lion was retrieved, everything was a messy scramble. Keith bolted out of the lion with Lance heavy in his arms, running past the other concerned paladins and missing their panicked questions. He never stopped for anything or anyone and just kept sprinting down what felt like a never-ending hallway. His body had become numb and light, the only feeling he knew being the anxiety in his chest and the burning of his legs.
The only thing keeping him grounded was Lance’s faint breathing against his neck.
Coran was already waiting in the medbay, two pods activated and open for them. Lance was to be put in first and Keith was kicked out of the room temporarily as the older Altean zipped the blue paladin into a cryosuit.
When Keith was let back in a few minutes later, Lance was laying on a table convulsing in pain, more awake than he was than before. Keith immediately rushed over to try and calm the other down, but it didn’t work. No matter how he ran his fingers through his hair or squeezed his hand, Lance didn’t stop thrashing and panting.
Coran placed a hand on Keith’s shoulder to grab his attention. “The best thing we can do for him now is getting him into the pod. Quickly, now.”
Keith helped Coran hoist Lance into the pod, ignoring the aches of his own body. The glass materialized before the blue paladin could fall over, freezing him in place. He looked frail and tired, the deep gashes on his face contrasting against his skin.
It would be fine. Lance would be okay now. The pod will fix both of them and they can forget all about this, just like Lance wanted.
But Keith couldn’t stop the growing anxiety in his chest. He was still shaking from the adrenaline, trembling too hard to even hold the pouch of water Coran offered him. In the end, Shiro was called into the room to help calm him down.
Keith couldn’t help but compare it to how he helped calm Lance down, subconsciously taking notes.
It was like he couldn’t get the blue paladin off his mind.
“Keith,” Shiro said in a soft voice. “Can you talk to me?”
Keith shook his head no. No, he didn’t want to talk yet. He just wanted to be hugged by Shiro, letting himself finally relax in his brother’s arms. He wanted to be told everything would be alright because Lance was in the pod. Because Lance was safe. Because Lance would heal and he could forgive himself.
Once Coran deemed his heart rate “safe”, Keith put on his own suit and stepped into a pod, his eyes slipping shut only to open them after what felt like only seconds later. In reality, he had been in there for about an hour.
The rest of the team was in the room, already returned from their own respective missions and eager to find out what happened. The glass popped open, the freezing air hissing out of the sides as Keith sucked in a breath. Hunk was the one to catch him when he fell out, presumably there to watch over his best friend. As soon as Keith was fully awake, he was pestered with questions from the whole team.
“What happened out there?”
“Are you feeling better?”
“How did Lance get those cuts on his face?”
“Was the mission successful?”
Keith was overwhelmed. His body might have felt refreshed, but mentally, he was still exhausted. Every time he opened his mouth to answer, his words got caught in his throat, threatening to choke him. He ran out of the room before they could reach out and stop him.
He could feel the panic rearing its ugly head in his chest and struggled to remain calm. Not now, he tried telling it. The anxieties and doubts were relentless, firing off in his head one after the other.
God, this was all his fault. He did this to Lance. His teammate was still frozen behind a pod and he almost died .
No, Lance would be fine. He was in a pod and healing, it’s going to be alright. Lance is alive .
He ran faster until he could barely move his legs. The war in his mind was an endless loop of recycled arguments and fears.
In the end, Shiro found him holed up in his room hidden underneath the covers hours later. He entered the room soundlessly, standing in the doorway and looking at the lump of blankets that was Keith. Shiro sat on the end of the bed, the mattress dipping underneath his weight.
Keith was still for a moment before moving himself, poking his head out from beneath the blankets and resting it in Shiro’s lap. His eyes were red and puffy, but neither of them mentioned it. The room was quiet minus the humming of the castle. Like this, Keith could almost convince himself that he was okay.
“Lance is doing fine,” Shiro started, Keith wincing. Shiro always knew what was bothering him, no matter what it was.
“But what about…” Keith gestured to his face lamely, not wanting to say it aloud. He didn’t think he would be able to get it out of his mouth anyway.
He saw Shiro bite the inside of his cheek and his stomach plummeted. “Well, Coran had a few things to say about that.”
There was a weighted pause, nothing like the peaceful silence from before.
“The cuts got infected. You two were out there for almost a day, which was long enough for this space infection to get into Lance’s system. I forgot the exact word Coran used. It’s non-fatal, so don’t worry about that, he will be fine.”
Keith felt some of the tension in his body relax.
“But it damaged his skin, his face in particular. The muscle underneath was completely shredded and it was exposed for too long for the pods to fix it. So he’s going to have…”
“He’s going to have scars on his face, Keith.”
It felt like a bombshell just dropped on top of Keith, his head swimming. He felt sick as he sat up in a flurry, not wanting to believe this was happening. “But why can’t the pods fix it? Isn’t it just like any other wound?”
Shiro shook his head. “It’s too damaged for the pods to repair it, Keith. The only thing they can do is replace the damage with scar tissue, which can’t be taken away. Just like how the pods can’t remove my scars.”
Keith let his hands drop into his lap. His eyes stung again, already sore from crying earlier. Shiro wrapped his human arm around his shoulders, pulling him into a comforting one-armed embrace. Keith leaned into the warmth of his chest but refused to let any tears drop.
“It’s all my fault,” he croaked, pinching the inside of his palm. Shiro’s embrace grew tighter.
“Don’t say that. You did your best and it’s because of that he’s still here. You helped him, Keith. You saved his life.”
Keith felt his hands trembling and pinched harder. No, Shiro didn’t understand. It was Keith’s fault Lance was hurt in the first p lace. If he had just cared more, if he was paying more attention to his surroundings. It should have mattered more to him instead of acting indifferent.
But he kept his mouth shut, not ready to talk about it just yet. Instead, he hid his face and welcomed his brother’s comfort while he could get it.
~~~
It wasn’t until the next day when Keith went to go see Lance again.
He woke up in his bed bleary and disoriented, Shiro laying next to him snoring peacefully. Keith couldn’t help but smile, grateful that the other had gotten sleep last night. He got up and slipped into a fresh pair of clothes before walking down to the medbay, not bothering to take a shower or get something to eat.
The medbay was cold and empty. The cryopod in the center of the room still held Lance, the monitor displaying his vitals and heartbeat. Keith sat in front of the glass with his back pressed against it, leaning his head back and feeling the whir of machinery. His eyes slipped shut as he listened to the steady beeping of Lance’s heart, breathing in time with it.
Lance was fine, he tried to convince himself. He was going to be okay.
The rest of the team drifted in and out of the room throughout the day. Hunk came to check up on Lance but then switched his focus to Keith. When the red paladin didn’t respond to his words and concerned questions, he left the room and came back later with a bowl of food and a blanket.
The food went untouched, but Keith appreciated the gesture anyway.
Pidge came in and didn’t do anything other than lean against Keith without a word, her computer in her lap as she typed away on the keyboard. Keith allowed her to work against him, knowing that even she needed comfort and reassurance from time to time, even if she had a hard time voicing that. Eventually, she packed up her things and left just as quietly as when she came in.
Allura tried pressing him. She pestered him with question after question even when she knew she wasn’t going to get answers. How did Lance get injured? What happened to your lion? How did all of this happen?
In the end, she gave up with a sigh, patting the top of his head lightly before exiting the room.
Coran came in periodically to check Lance’s vitals, saying nothing with his mouth, but a lot with his eyes. The sympathetic looks he kept throwing were grating on Keith’s nerves, but he kept his knees tucked in and his head resting on top of them.
He fell asleep like that, never making it back to his room.
Then, he was awoken in the middle of the night by a loud, familiar beep. Keith had just stood up when the glass opened, leaving Lance to fall out like a broken doll. He caught the blue paladin in his arms, his body limp and not fully awake.
He lowered Lance onto the ground, his throat growing tight when he caught sight of the blue paladin’s face. Even in the dim lighting, he could see the scars that ripped through his skin. Keith didn’t look for too long.
Lance groaned and opened his eyes slowly, looking around the room before his gaze locked with Keith’s. He felt the air being ripped out of his lungs when he looked into his teammate’s eyes, forgetting how breathtaking they could be. The scratches didn’t seem to have taken away Lance’s vision, thank the lord for small miracles.
Lance sat up from Keith’s arms and yawned, pressed a hand to his forehead. “What… Ugh, my head.”
Keith lowered him back down, his cheeks flushed red when he realized how intimate their position could be interpreted as. “We were picked up by the castle. What do you remember?” Was it worse than he thought? What if Lance got some sort of amnesia?
He could see the gears whirring in Lance’s head as everything came back to him, his expression darkening when it all clicked into place. “W-We finished the mission and I was… Hurt.” Such weighted words. “The cuts got infected and then... I think I passed out.”
Keith nodded his head, secretly relieved. Okay, no brain trauma. He bit the inside of his lip when his eyes got caught on the scars again. Lance didn’t seem to notice them yet and Keith didn’t know how he would react. His grip tightened.
“How are you feeling now?”
Lance wrinkled his nose. “Greasy. My skin probably broke out after not washing it.” He ran a hand through his own hair, groaning in disgust when it got caught in the clumps of dry blood still caked there. “Eugh, what the fuck!”
The blue paladin stood up quickly and out of Keith’s arms, practically running out of the room. “Lance, wait-”
“I’ll be right back, I’m going to take a shower. I can’t believe you guys didn’t wash this out of my hair before sticking me in the pod. That’s just plain old nasty!” the blue paladin shouted over his shoulder.
And before Keith could stop and warn him, or even just explain things a little further, Lance was already out of the room. He sat there in a daze before hopping onto his feet, chasing after the other.
He didn’t want Lance to be alone, not when he learne d that… He stopped that train of thought, dreading when it would finally come. Or maybe it was him who didn’t want to be alone.
~~~
Lance stepped into his own room with a sense of familiarity, glad to be back. No offense to Keith, but he needed some… Alone time. Just to get himself together before he faced the rest of the team. Nothing that a good shower couldn’t fix.
Peeling himself out of the cryosuit (eugh, it was taking off a second skin), he tied his fluffy blue robe around himself and stepping into the bathroom. He flicked the light switch on and froze when he spotted himself in the mirror.
All the air was ripped out of his lungs and suddenly, he felt detached from his own body. The temperature of the air in the room seemed to plummet. Who was that looking back at him? That couldn’t be him, could it? Lance slowly moved toward the mirror, an outstretched hand touching the glass gingerly.
Right over the long, angry scars over the reflection’s face.
They ripped straight down the side, jagged and fresh, but for the most part, healed. The pink lines ran through the eyebrow to the bottom of the chin, giving a jarring appearance. The person in the reflection looked weary, their eyes dark and tired as well as wide and distressed.
Lance’s fingers slipped off the glass as he touched his own face, watching as the person in the mirror did the same. He saw the tears welling in his eyes, but they did not drop.
Oh god. This was him.
Touching the scars didn’t hurt. They were long and thick, rising up from the rest of his face as he ran his fingers over his skin. He pressed down on it with his nail, hissing when it throbbed. He reached up to touch the beginning of the long scar, feeling where part of his eyebrow had been scratched off and would never grow back.
He didn’t… He didn’t look like Lance anymore.
There was a stranger looking at him in the mirror.
Lance didn’t know how long he stood there, frozen to the ground. His eyes were glued to the mirror, his fingers continually rubbing, poking, and prodding at his… New face. He only snapped out of it when he heard a knocking on the door. His hands came away from his skin and he realized that his nails were digging into the scars. He got distracted by the deep red crescent moons on his cheek.
The knocks were louder this time.
Lance exited the bathroom, switching off the lights and ripping his eyes away from the mirror as the door closed. With shaky hands, he tightened his robe and stopped just in front of the door, taking a deep breath before opening it. As expected, Keith was on the other side. He didn’t miss the way the red paladin glanced down at his barely-dressed body, his ears red. At this point, Lance was too tired to revel in it.
Keith was pinching his hands again, his eyes flickering to the fingernail marks on Lance’s face. “Are you…”
Lance sighed, about to run a hand over his face before he stopped himself. His hand dropped back to his side and he shrugged, avoiding Keith’s gaze.
“Can I come in?”
Lance stepped aside to let Keith in, his arms wrapped around himself. Normally, he would feel jittery about having his rival (read: mega crush) in his room, but he was too weary. Even though he just came out of the pod, he was so tired.
Keith sat on the edge of Lance’s bed and patted the empty side next to him. Lance didn’t even protest, walking over silently and sitting next to the red paladin. He sat straight up, not knowing if he could lean on the other or not.
“Do you think this is karma?” Lance said quietly. His body felt heavy. Maybe that was the guilt weighing down on him.
Keith was quiet, side-eyeing the blue paladin. “What do you mean?”
“Well, it’s just…” Lance sighed heavily, mentally cursing when his eyes stung. “This all happened because I-” He faltered, his throat tight and mouth dry. “Because I killed that k-kid.”
Lance jolted when Keith snatched up his hand in his, the grip so tight that his fingers ground against each other. Keith’s eyes were angry, but there was another emotion in there. The sincerity and understanding that swam in his gaze made Lance light-headed.
“Don’t you dare say that. You didn’t mean to do it and you tried to save him. It’s not your fault he didn’t want the help.”
Lance turned his head away, trying to hide the tears in his eyes. “I wanted to forget,” he whispered. “And I knew it was selfish, Keith. I was completely aware.” A stray tear slipped from his eye and he let it trail down his cheek.
A calloused hand touched the scarred side of Lance’s face affectionately, guiding his head back up to meet Keith’s eyes. They were so soft that he wanted to never look away. Keith wiped away the single tear with his thumb, careful not to press against the scarred skin. “I wanted to forget the feeling, too. It was, no, is a hard thing to live with. It never goes away, Lance. Not ever.”
Lance’s furrowed his brow. “What do you mean?”
Keith’s grip on his hand tightened even more if that was possible. “I know what you’re going through, Lance. I’ve… I’ve seen it too. I’ve done it too.”
Lance’s eyes grew impossibly wide, his jaw dropping. “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t even consider that-”
Keith cut him off by pinching his lips together between his thumb and pointer. “Stop, it’s fine. I’ve had time to reflect on it and let me tell you something, Lance.”
“It’s okay if you want to try and forget, but it’s never going to happen, at least, not completely. You should instead keep the memories and learn from them. Learn from your mistakes, push forward. Try to save more lives, but remember the ones you took.”
Keith’s voice grew thick and Lance wasn’t surprised to see his eyes watering. Lance took one of his hands away and cradled Keith’s cheek. They both sat there on the bed for a long time, reflecting to themselves in their own heads while touching each other to keep themselves grounded. Their hands were clasped together in their laps and the others touching the other’s face. As time passed, they slowly gravitated towards each other until their foreheads touched, neither of them moving away. It was different than when they butted head during arguments. It was more… Intimate than usual.
“It’s hard,” Lance murmured.
“I know,” Keith whispered, looking deep into Lance’s eyes and absentmindedly admiring the color.
The silence returned before suddenly, Lance snickered uncontrollably. He struggled to get himself to stop before choking out, “Well, I sure won’t be able to forget. It’s written all over my face.”
It took a moment for Keith to get it, but when he did, he sputtered and broke away from the contact, laughing loudly. “Oh my god, that was awful . And here I thought-”
It was Lance’s turn to silence Keith. Without a word, he leaned in and pressed his lips to Keith’s, nothing more than a prolonged peck. Lance pulled away before Keith could do anything, only then registering what he just did.
It was like his face exploded with red, sputtering and waving around his hands erratically. “Oh, oh God. I’m sorry, I should have asked first or something. Um, I’m sorry-”
Keith leaned in and kissed him back, his whole face lit up like a Christmas light. Lance froze before melting into it, pressing back gently and enjoying the feel of the red paladin’s lips. They were more chapped than he thought they would be, but not unpleasantly. His hands found their way into Keith’s hair, pulling him closer as he closed the space between them. Lance lifted his leg over the other and straddled him, only pulling away when he eventually had to come back up for air.
Keith swore he saw stars. “Wow.”
Lance snickered, resting his head on Keith’s shoulder. “Sorry, I just… It felt right.”
Keith tentatively wrapped his arms around Lance’s middle, his back pressed up against the wall. “Why are you saying sorry? I… I liked it. A lot. I really liked it.”
Ugh, he was sputtering now. He could still feel the heat radiating off his face.
Lance chuckled on top of him before sighing. “Thank you, Keith.”
His embrace tightened. “Thank you, Lance.”
Keith fell asleep first, but Lance stayed awake to admire the other’s face up close. His finger traced over the faint freckles dotting the other’s cheeks, half tempted to find a marker and play connect-the-dots. Absentmindedly, he touched his own face, tracing the outlines of the scars forever marked there on his cheek.
It was true he would never forget what happened. The Galra boy was a part of him after that mission. But, the scars gave him something new.
Lance snuggled closer to Keith, letting his own eyes slip shut and breathing in the comforting scent of the red paladin.
Would he go back and change things? He didn’t know anymore.