Chapter Text
It takes a few loops around the surrounding blocks but Alex finally rolls up to an old brick building, about twenty minutes from her own apartment.
She paces nervously in the lobby while waiting for the elevator and eventually just decides to run up the five flights to Maggie’s apartment.
Feeling a little unsteady, Alex takes a few deep breaths as she stands in front of the door. Her hands shake and she can feel herself physically willing her body to not to run away. All the implications, the possible outcomes of what she's about to do, run through her mind at a thousand miles a second. It's terrifying. And Alex wishes this was something she could just suit up and fight, because that's what's she's good at.
But this... having to face her own feelings, her own actions, it isn't the bad guy Alex is used to fighting. It's just her. And it's just the girl she knows holds her heart forever, no matter what happens here tonight.
She can't back down now, so Alex sets her jaw and knocks firmly against the only barrier separating her from Maggie.
She hears the detective pad across the floor and lean up to see through the peephole.
“What do you want Alex?” She muffles through the wood.
Alex leans her forehead down on the door, clenching her eyes closed to try and keep herself together.
“Please Maggie, just let me in. I really need to talk to you I-” her voice breaks a little and she takes a breath before trying again.
“I have to see you...please. This is all so wrong and I want to fix it. Please?”
There's only silence and Alex let’s a soft sob escape, stifling the sound with her hand. She doesn’t know what to do if Maggie won’t talk to her. She could never disrespect Maggie's wishes if that’s what the detective wants.
But Alex knows it'll destroy the small part of herself she has left, knowing that she had hurt such a caring and gentle person like Maggie, so badly.
There's rattling from behind the door. Alex hears the chain fall before the lock clicks and it swings open slightly.
Stepping through slowly, Alex closes the door behind her as Maggie shuffles deftly to her couch.
She's beautiful, even in the worn sweatpants and baggy shirt she wears over her socks.
The apartment is a little smaller than Alex's but with a similar open plan layout, Alex can see the new single bed past the living room. Boxes are stacked around and she can tell Maggie’s only taken out the bare necessities to exist in the space, as opposed to actually living in it.
Alex makes her way over and sits on the opposite end of the couch. She fidgets with her hands, unsure what to do with them.
“Why are you here Alex?” Maggie asks again, tone bland as she leans across to the coffee table for her beer but apparently thinking better of it, putting it back down without taking a sip.
Alex doesn’t know where to start. She bites her lip trying to think but doesn’t come up with anything that can explain everything she thinks and feels.
“I'm just... I'm sorry. For what you heard at the bar, I didn’t think you'd be at-”
“You didn't think I'd be at my own bar? You kept the apartment, the rings, the family. You want the bar too?” Maggie questions harshly.
“I'm sorry but no. That's my place, has been longer than everyone else, so no.” Maggie says angrily, fists clenching slightly in the cushions.
Alex feels the guilt swallow her whole. Family. God she hadn't even thought about that.
Maggie hadn't just lost her, she'd lost her new friends and family too. Because Alex thought she didn't want her.
She can't help but make the connection to how she's basically recreated Maggie's shitty childhood. And she's been too caught up in her own pain to do anything about it. Alex feels sick.
“That's not what I meant.” She offers timidly.
“I just didn't think about any of it. Kara has been on my case lately and I didn’t want to argue. She was just trying to be supportive when she said I could have more. But that isn't what I feel. I know it sounded horrible but Maggie I could never mean it like that.”
Alex forces herself to stop the waterworks. She needs to be calm and focused on the woman in front of her.
“Mean it like what Alex? Like I'm not enough? You've already said and meant that, remember. And its not like you're the first or the last person who will, so don't worry about it. Kara's right, you should listen to her.” Maggie throws back nonchalantly.
And Alex knows that Maggie’s just hurting, but she’s not used to being on this side of her pain. It makes Alex angry. Not at Maggie but at herself.
“You are Maggie!” Alex levels a strong look at the detective across from her.
“You are enough! And I hate that I made you feel otherwise. You deserve better and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.” It comes out a little harsher than she'd like, but the anger Alex feels towards her own ignorance is brimming uncontrollably in her chest.
Maggie breathes a little shakily at her words and they sit in silence, processing everything. Alex wants to say so much more but Maggie is in control here and Alex isn't going to push it.
“I don't hate you.” Maggie states after a while. She won’t look at Alex, gaze firmly set on her hands that lie in her lap.
“I'm just... I feel stupid. I shouldn't have run off at the bar. I'm sorry.”
“You have nothing to be apologize for. You had every right to leave. I'm sorry for being so selfish.” Alex whispers across the cushions.
“Talking to your sister isn’t selfish. And you, Kara especially, have every right to be at that bar.”
Alex follows the motion of Maggie’s hand waving dismissively at her apology. The woman always had such a problem accepting that things weren't her fault and it just makes Alex shuffle over and put a hand on Maggie's knee.
“I wasn't just talking about the bar. I'm talking about everything.” The agent admits.
“Alex...” Maggie warns softly.
“No, I know okay, I know. But you have to let me do this, please. And if you want me to go afterwards, then I will.” Alex entreats, hands grasping for one of Maggie's, holding it gently between her palms.
The detective still won’t look at her, face falling down to stare at their joint hands. But Alex really needs to see her, needs Maggie to look at her. She doesn’t think she has to strength to say what she needs to otherwise.
So she slides off the couch and kneels in front of Maggie, the detectives knees under Alex's arms. Bundling Maggie's hands into her own, Alex brings them to her chest in a kind of hug. Maggie can surely feel the way her heart is raging right now but Alex doesn't care.
With the taller girl on the floor, Maggie doesn’t have much choice in locking her eyes with Alex's. They're both fighting off tears and Alex can't breathe for a second at the way Maggie is looking at her. So completely open.
She can see all the fractures behind Maggie's gaze, knows that right now she's trusting Alex to fix them, not to break them again.
“I don't know how to tell you how I feel. I can't find the words to explain.” Alex starts.
“But I know I made a mistake. A horrible mistake, Maggie. And I know that I hurt you... in a way that I promised I never would. I took away your home, your family, again. And that's never going to be okay.”
Maggie's hands tremble and Alex just holds on tighter. She's desperate for Maggie to understand. Desperate for this amazing girl to know, this isn't her fault.
“Being with you Maggie... I felt like I had everything. And when you said you didn’t want kids, I panicked. I always thought, before you, that ‘everything’ meant being with someone, having kids and a dog, a white picket fence on the lawn.” Alex shuffles closer, arms resting across Maggie’s thighs, the detectives hands still firmly wrapped in her own.
“But Maggie, I know that isn't everything now. That isn't who I am. Everything, is late night take out because we both had to work late... it’s comparing guns and betting flash grenades at pool.” Alex chuckles softly at the memory which just brings more tears to her eyes.
“It's the way you make me feel Maggie. Like I could live a thousand lifetimes and want to spend every single one, with you. I would die for you without a second thought. But given the chance... I would die trying to fight through anything and anyone just to come home to you.”
Maggie breaks, choked sobs wrenching from her small frame as she drops her head onto her forearms in front of her. Alex refuses to let go of Maggie's hands, the small contact anchoring her as she presses on through her own stifled crying.
“I wish every moment you're not with me that you were. You're the only piece missing in my life. And I know that me being sorry won't fix it. But Maggie I swear, I'll spend the rest of my life trying to, in any way that you'll let me.”
Alex wants so badly to just wrap herself around the trembling detective. But she has to finish. She lifts her hands from Maggie's, the small woman grasping at the collar of Alex's jacket at the loss. Her hands run through Maggie's hair before settling on the detectives jaw, lifting her face so her eyes can meet Alex's own again.
“I am so scared Mags. I want a lot of things in life... But please, I don't want anything unless you're there with me.”
Maggie's hands loosen a little and move up onto Alex's neck. She can feel the way Maggie's fingers shake as they settle on her pulse and Alex leans into the soft touch.
“What about kids? I can't ask you to give that up Alex. And how do you really know I'll be enough, five, ten years from now? How can... how can you know if you'll still want me?” The detective whimpers.
Alex wishes she could make Maggie feel how she does, only for a moment. Just so she could understand how much Alex needs her, wants her. Because there is no doubt for Alex that this is it. Maggie is all there is for her in this world...and all the hundreds of others out there.
“I want you more than I need you Maggie. And I need you more than anything in the universe. This isn't a choice for me, I don't have to choose. Because there is only ever going to be one outcome. And it’s you. It's always you. Please, give me one more chance?” Alex whispers quietly, scared of what her response will be.
Maybe Maggie will say she still wants her. Or maybe she won't.
“Alex...”
But Alex has to say one more thing. She has to let her heart have a voice for once, even though her head knows she has no right to say it.
“And you're right, I can't know everything. But... I know I love you, Maggie Sawyer. And that’s all there is to know.”
It’s quiet, the soft whimpering and sniffing from them both echoes through the apartment. Maggie closes her eyes and Alex chews on her lip, waiting for something.
Maggie eventually leans down and rests her forehead against Alex's, the agent closing her eyes at the closeness, savouring the feeling of Maggie’s shaky breaths landing on her lips.
“Are you sure? Don’t stay for me, if you have to leave... I can't ever hate you and I...I understand. You deserve the life you want. I want you to do what you need, to be happy.” Maggie whispers, voice cracking slightly after all the crying.
Alex pulls back a bit, thumbs running over Maggie’s cheeks to dry them a little as she gets lost in the brown eyes staring back at her.
“I've never been more sure Maggie. You and me, it's real, it's love. All I ever need to be happy is you, all I want is to make you happy too and I promi-”
She's cut off as Maggie’s lips find hers. And it feels like her mind has finally caught up with her heart as it reboots and Alex realizes what’s happening.
Her stomach flips when Maggie threads her hands into her hair and Alex kisses back, pulling Maggie in closer until she just falls off the couch and into her lap, kneeling either side of Alex’s hips.
There's hardly any space between them, but after so long, Alex feels like she could never be close enough. So she wraps her arms around Maggie's waist and pulls her in, until there is barely room to breathe. But Maggie doesn't seem to mind, sighing at the contact as her tongue sweeps slowly over Alex’s mouth. It sends a shiver down Alex's spine and she chases after Maggie's lips, keening softly when the detective deepens the kiss.
Maggie's fingers scratch at her neck making Alex moan and she loses her breath at how Maggie's hips roll instinctively at the sound.
Gently pushing her back against the edge of the couch, Alex tries to calm her shaking hands as she separates them a little.
"Is this okay?" She asks nervously.
Maggie simply pulls her close again as a response.
She crashes them together in a bruising kiss, Maggie breathing sharply when Alex bites at her lips before placing gentle kisses and nips along her jaw.
Finally settling with her mouth against Maggie’s neck, Alex moans appreciatively at the way she arches to give her more room to work. Her hands brace against Maggie's ribs, feeling the muscles beneath her fingers contract and flex.
Alex feels content for the first time in months, simply enjoying how Maggie tastes and the small, muffled noises being drawn from the woman beneath her. If Alex died right now, she's pretty sure it'd be as the happiest girl in the world.
It's not long before Maggie's hips are pushing up insistently, her breath hitching when Alex leans her own hips in closer. Effectively pinning Maggie's to the floor.
She teasingly bites at Maggie's neck when the detective whimpers in protest, her hands grasping tightly at Alex's jacket.
But she can't resist when Maggie pulls her up and brings their foreheads together again, noses brushing slightly as they both attempt to get oxygen in and out of their lungs.
Maggie's hands cradle Alex's face, clutching slightly at her short hair.
“Please.” She breathes out against Alex's lips.
And it’s all it takes for Alex gather Maggie in her arms, the shorter woman wrapping her legs around the agent's waist as she carries them the short distance to the bed.
Alex sits on the edge, Maggie straddling her hips as they make out lazily. Her fingers rest gently on Maggie's back to keep her close, the detective gripping at the lapels of Alex’s jacket, tugging gently in question.
Alex wastes no time ridding the leather from herself and Maggie helps her out of her shirt a second later.
Maggie's gaze runs over her, pupils blowing as her fingers stray softly over the straps of Alex’s bra.
“Can I?” Alex questions, gripping the material of Maggie's top.
“Yes.” Is the airy response.
She inches the material over Maggie's head and tosses it aside, hands falling back to Maggie's waist. The black sports bra Maggie wears stretches across her chest as she tries to control her breathing and it only makes Alex need more air.
She's so beautiful. More than beautiful. Like all the warmth, the compassion and the love that she holds within her is constantly radiating out into the world. And even being a scientist, Alex could never really comprehend how that was possible. But she knows it is. Because it's Maggie.
Alex leans forward to place a kiss near Maggie's collarbone, lips tracing the scar she fixed up all those months ago. She can feel the heartbeat beneath her lips racing faster and faster and Alex gasps as her own shoots up in return.
She didn't realise how much she craved being with Maggie until now. Her body is on fire and she has to mentally check herself in an attempt to maintain some composure.
Maggie is in charge right now and Alex won't dare do anything to make her uncomfortable.
Not that knowing she is under Maggie's control helps any better. If anything it just makes the ache in her lower stomach tighten causing her to whimper against Maggie’s skin.
But Alex is happy to let Maggie tell her what to do and she falls back onto the mattress at her request.
She watches memorized as Maggie stands and kicks her sweatpants off, revealing matching black underwear.
Alex's plan to contain herself goes flying out the window when Maggie stands between her legs and starts to tug on her jeans. She struggles to even catch a breath, fingers gripping fiercely at the sheets beside her.
It’s agonizingly slow and Maggie only pulls slower, apparently enjoying the reaction the rough fabric causes as it runs over Alex’s legs.
Dropping the offending fabric to the floor, Maggie finally climbs back up. She slowly urges Alex into the pillows, her thighs coming to a rest around the agent's waist.
But Alex can't help but feel like something is off. Maggie's shaking a little above her, the sense of urgency fading from her movements. She looks kind of scared, nervously trying to cover the change in demeanor with a gentle smile.
Alex can see the hesitation in her eyes, the way Maggie's hands barely graze over skin, like she’s afraid it’s not real. And she knows the thoughts that must be running through Maggie's mind, the doubt and the fear.
It calms the fire in Alex's body, replacing it with a gentle affinity and endearment.
“Hey, come here, please?” Alex asks softly, opening her arms.
And Maggie takes a deep breath, eyes closing as she lowers herself into Alex’s embrace, their legs entangling together.
She hides herself in Alex’s neck and the warmth spreads all the way through to the agents fingertips.
She runs idle patterns over Maggie’s shoulders, fascinated still at the muscles that twitch and tense at her touch.
Alex is happy. Better than happy. She feels like her world is spinning on course again. And she’s satisfied to lie here with Maggie close, the hope she has back for the future consuming her heart.
“It wouldn't have mattered.” Maggie says softly.
“What?”
“Deleting your number. I didn't. But it wouldn't have mattered.” Maggie clarifies.
Alex pulls back a little to see her face, cautiously pushing a strand of hair behind Maggie’s ear.
“I don't understand.” Alex whispers, afraid to break the calm that's settled over them.
“I have it memorized. I couldn't forget. It's the most important number I've ever had. And I couldn't bring myself to delete it, because it felt like losing even more of you. And I just...I couldn't do it Ally.” Maggie's voice wavers slightly on the nickname and she struggles to pull in a breath to continue.
“I've spent all this time running and hiding, thinking it would protect me from getting hurt again. But I always end up right back where I started." She admits quietly.
"I still love you Alex. I'll always love you.”
Alex feels her heart swell at the confession and she wraps Maggie in a hug, soothing the shivering that's taken over the small woman’s body.
“I'm never going anywhere, ever again. And neither are you. If you're okay with that.” Alex promises.
She brings Maggie’s face away from her shoulder and once again wipes at tears on the girls’ cheeks until the detective can hold her gaze.
“We're gonna have a full and happy life. Together. Ride or die, remember.” Alex nervously recalls and Maggie smiles back softly.
“So I get to kiss the girl I wanna kiss?” Maggie asks shyly, clinging to Alex's waist with shaky hands.
“I hope so, because I really just wanna kiss you.” she echoes back in response to the familiar question. "I want all of you. Every laugh, every tear, the pain and the love. I want it all. Even the worst times, are the best times when you're by my side. And I won't ever hold anything back from you." Alex professes.
"You have all of me, Maggie."
Maggie cries softly and huddles back into Alex. Her heartbeat thrums wildly against the hand Alex has at her back and the agent finds herself mumbling incoherent assurances into Maggie’s hair.
It takes a few minutes but Maggie manages to calm down. Her soft breaths wash over Alex’s chest and the detective seems happy to just litter tiny kisses anywhere she can reach, smiling against Alex's skin when she giggles and squirms at the tickling sensation.
“I love you Alex.” Maggie whispers again, placing a tame kiss on the agent's lips.
And Alex just smiles. She has everything. Her mind is finally quiet and her heart at peace. For the first time in a long while, Alex knows what she was missing when Maggie was gone. And she knows why she could never be without her.
Because right now, holding Maggie close and feeling the detectives heartbeat against her own, Alex feels like she’s home. She's finally come home.
“I love you too Maggie. Forever.”