Chapter Text
It’d been years and you’d come to terms with living a life without Ben Solo.
Leia and you helped one another through the loss, she went on to become a general of the new era of the Resistance, while you still remained on Naboo living the simple life of a student and cantina worker. You wanted to say you’d retained the sweetness everyone used to know you for, but you could hear the bitterness when you spoke in your voice at times, you’d once thought life was nothing but a jubilant gift but as time passed after Ben you couldn’t help but notice how dark it had become. You learned you didn’t have to put on a front, most people knew when it was bullshit anyway, you weren’t bubbly like you once had been but you were still kind where it counts.
The First Order was everywhere, enslaving and massacring the galaxy all in the name of “order” the Resistance was doing their best but openly supporting them could get you killed so they were having a harder and harder time recruiting. Places you’d once played as a child became shady and empty and your hometown no longer safe, once like a rural paradise seemed like a ghost of what it used to be.
You sighed, cleaning up the mess of a rowdier group of patrons, the cantina wasn’t your first choice for work but not many places hired students for pay this high and you needed to help your mother pay the bills somehow as she’d begun to show her age and probably could not work much longer. The smell of the alcohol hit your nose as you tried to clear broken glass from the table, a conversation caught your interest from the adjacent booth.
“..Kylo ren, he’s basically the face of the First Order.”
“I heard he was the one who destroyed Luke Skywalker’s Jedi school all that time ago.”
“You can’t be serious.”
You ceased wiping down the surface as you heard this accusation, your body felt numb as your task now felt impossible, you listened intently.
“He leads those knights because he’s ruthless like that, no mercy for anyone, even members of the First Order.”
“So he’s who they used to call Jedi killer?”
“I guess, that’s why I don’t think to join either side is good because either way that guys eventually gonna get you.”
They erupted in laughter and your palms angrily pressed against the table, a glass shard stuck into your tense flesh and you yelped as you were pulled from your angered thoughts
‘He killed Ben’
It was a rumor but who else would kill young padawans? Some other group dressed in all black who had a score to settle with the Jedi? It didn’t seem likely. Your once tender heart told you-you shouldn’t dwell on it, not to be irrational over a healed wound, but it felt like that wound would never truly heal only reopen until you had something to truly seal it off.
Vengeance.
You were at home trying to figure out what paperwork you’d have to fill out, scheduling a physical and everything on your holo-pad so you could apply to train for the Resistance. You’d ask Leia for more information later but you knew it’d be unlikely she’d deny you, they needed young healthy people to join the fight and you were both those things.
You look at a digital pamphlet and a memory once nostalgic comes to mind.
You and Ben had been very young and one day convinced your older brother, Jonas, as you did many times to play soldiers, Ben liked to pretend to be a big shot hero, you liked to play medic and tend to his “wounds” and you both knew your brother would make a wonderful general with the big serious voice he did for the part. Your brother had been learning about the old republic in school around that time and told you of things like the Resistance, Ben had seemed uncomfortable and decided he didn’t want to play anymore.
You’d trailed after him, confused on what could have upset him, didn’t his mother lead the old republic to victory with her brother and his father? It seemed like something he’d be proud of as it seemed people still praised them constantly for it.
“Ben what’s wrong.”
“I just don’t want to play soldiers anymore, it’s stupid.”
“You love soldiers you always badger me to play it.”
“Well maybe I’m tired of it, we’re too old for it anyway.”
You didn’t know what to say, you wanted to comfort him but you just didn’t know what he needed from you, so you just gave him a hug, a child’s best offering of comfort you supposed.
“I don’t know what’s wrong but it’s okay.”
He sighed into you
“Promise me we'll never be apart of some stupid war like that.”
You were confused by the request, the galaxy had been relatively quiet at least that’s what your mom would always say, but maybe Ben was scared you two would one day be mixed up in something like his parents had once been, Jonas once told you they lost a lot of friends to their cause and maybe he feared the same thing for the both of you.
“Okay, I promise.”
You swallowed a lump in your throat, blinking away the glossiness in your eyes, Ben would be upset at you doing something like this, but on the other hand, you wouldn’t even be considering this if some stupid helmet wearing coward hadn’t cut him down before his life had really begun. You’d feel guilty about an old promise after you got your closure.
You’d feel better after you watched the First Order turned to ash and you had the Jedi killers head on a spike.
Kylo slashed a training droid in half, anger wracking through his body and he was releasing it the only way he knew how, with violence.
He was barely out of breath but bored as his hands were slick with oil from the inside of the droid, he’d have to request a higher skill level once again because this model wasn’t doing it for him anymore. He’d been having a stressful week, he had an audience with the supreme leader later in the cycle, and he sensed something unsavory in the force approaching him.
General Hux strode into the training room, Kylo felt a bitter taste develop on his dry tongue, he never liked the man not since he first came aboard the ship. Hux had been promoted from lieutenant general to general shortly before Kylo first arrived and he was still high off the promotion after all this time.
“Commander Ren.”
He didn’t turn to him, smirking as he sensed the man’s frustration as he continued to wipe his hands and saber with a towel, pretending as if Hux wasn’t there.
“May I remind you as a commander you must at the very least make an effort to attend meetings.”
“I came to a few didn't I?”
“Once in a lunar cycle doesn’t count Ren, I don’t care if you’re just some glorified killer, you will participate as your position calls for or I will report you to the Supreme Leader.”
Kylo ground his teeth, that weasley snitch got such a kick out of making Kylo look bad he swore he got off on it.
“Oh, whatever shall I do, if I don’t comply you’ll tattle on me?”
“I’m not going to let a child like you stomp around here destroying my ship and ignoring your responsibilities, this is a military operation Commander, and you’re apart of it whether we like it or not.”
He glared as Hux called him a child, they were the same age and he pretended to forget. Kylo strode toward the red-headed nuisance, there was a flash of uneasiness in his eyes as he towered over him but it was immediately snuffed out, leaving only glacier blue irises full of nothing but contempt for unpredictable force user he had no choice but to work with.
“Let me be clear General, I do not respond well to threats.”
“I don’t think you respond well to anything, but threats seem to work just fine when it comes to getting you to do your job Commander.”
Ren wanted to crush him, but the Supreme leader had already warned him, he was not to kill Hux, despite his distaste for him, Hux was still useful in Snoke’s eyes. Kylo growled in the back of his throat and threw a weight wrack across the room with the force as to relieve his pooling frustration, Hux seemed unphased by the momentary tantrum.
“Fine General” Kylo huffed “I will attend your superfluous meetings.”
Hux didn’t seem satisfied
“I want more than that, you still haven’t completed your mission report.”
Kylo reached for his saber and Hux took a step back, deciding to let that one go.
“I expect to see you and the captain tomorrow then, its scheduled on your datapad.”
Kylo only nodded
“Good day Commander.”
Kylo did not bother to reply.
Kylo laid awake later that night, he never truly slept well, constant insomnia plagued him so this was a normal occurrence. He stared into the blackness of the dark, trying to quiet his mind hoping for sleep to sneak up on him but he sensed something in the force, something was wrong but as powerful as he was he couldn’t quite place what it could be. His mother flashed in his mind, he knew she was a General she could be injured, but as he reached out for her he found nothing different from her signature, his mind went briefly to his father but he couldn’t find him and he didn’t really care, he was always in danger being himself, Kylo hadn’t cared since he was 14 to check up on him. Your name almost came to mind but he stopped himself, it was a personal rule of his not to bring it up or his mind would run wild, your name was just as dead as his own.
He still remembered your face, it’d been many years but he still remembered you as 16 and captivating, he wondered about you now. He tried to move on but he wasn’t exactly the best at socializing, people feared him and he didn’t really have the patience for others when he was busy trying to rule the galaxy. He didn't truly have time for such attachments, but he’d still found himself having encounters every now and again.
He remembered how quietly you’d moaned for him on his 17th birthday, how easily your clothes had slipped from your body. Kylo cursed himself and pushed the thought away, still reminiscing about a long-dead adolescent love affair, he found it pathetic, something he shouldn’t be doing.
He shouldn’t be thinking of any of you at all, it made him sick but he couldn’t quite cut those ties as hard as he did try, he was weak and it infuriated him. He’d already slipped down this low, a little further would be no different. He sighed as he looked for you, he hadn’t checked on you in some time, years, in fact, it was harder to find you, you were much farther away than he expected.
You must have left Naboo.
His heart sank and his anxiety rose, he had a thousand concerns but he decided enough was enough, he’d indulged himself but he had to be disciplined, he slipped away, turning to get more comfortable in his bed and tried to empty his mind. Everything was silent and he felt a bit calmer, but one question kept bridging up in mind.
Where had you gone?