Chapter Text
It had been a little over a year since the great battle. A little over a year since the elves departed and Nim had decided to remain with the dwarves to finish her healing. A little over a year since she had heard a word from the elf Thranduil.
Parts of the land were still scared, ground soiled by bitter orc blood preventing most life beyond spikey weeds to grow. Bodies of the fallen were still found here and there. Lost under rubble or tucked into a crevasse for shelter as they passed. Life was returning though, there were three new infants and men who tilled up the soil and added new life that slowly began to take root. Already the town soon to be called New Dale was halfway complete.
Still, watching life return did little to lessen the weight on Nim’s heart. She had written many letters to the elven lord, none of which had received a reply. She found herself staring off into the trees on the horizon, it would take little effort to go but she found her feet firmly in place each time the thought crossed her mind.
He had been furious when she had refused to return with him. He remained several days longer than his people trying to sway her choice, but she had not budged. He had left with an icy stare and little more. What would going to him now change now? He had not even responded to the letters she sent. At this point she didn’t even know if she truly wanted to return. Even if he did wish to see her his people still saw her as a traitor. She still saw the looks of the elves during the lull before the battle. Their anger and distrust. Stares that would remain for some time because as all know; if there is a creature that can hold a grudge longer than a dwarf, it is an elf.
“Nim! What in Mahal’s name are you doing up there? Get down before you stress your wounds anymore!”
Oin’s shouts caught Nim off guard and she swayed in the large branches of the tree she had taken refuge in. She told herself it was for the fresh air, but a quieter part reminded her she could see more of the forest from this tree than any of the others. She peered down at the dwarf who was scowling up at her. Oin had become a begrudging companion for Nim since the battle. He spent a great deal of time tending to the wounds Nim had sustained and he found himself continuing to do so.
“I swear if you broke them open. . .” He growled as Nim began her slow climb down, “I was sure this last mixture would work but not if you are leaping about like some squirrel.”
Though most of her wounds had healed as they should, though a bit slower than that of a proper elf, some had remained stubbornly unaffected. Nim could fell the scratch of the bandages secured around her middle like a wide belt holding the medicine to Nim’s unhealed flesh. They all stemmed from the burn that she had been given by the dragon Smaug, two openings were coin-sized but deep while the other was an expanse of raw flesh the size of her palm. Nothing Oin had tried to heal the damage had worked.
Oin had sent for an elf healer two months after they began to realize that there was something more going on. It was the first and only sign that Thranduil remembered she was here. Even still, the elf was as much at a loss as Oin was. Eventually, Nim grew tired of the little hints to return to Mirkwood and the endless chants and spells and she refused to see the elf anymore. It was some time after that she had sent her first letter to Thranduil.
**************
Snow has fallen here; the forest must be beautiful this time of year. Oin is on his hundredth concoction of medicine for the burns. Kili bet that I couldn’t hide a coin in one of them. I fit three. Oin scolded me for nearly an hour when he went to change the bandages and saw them. I got a pretty pair of earrings out of it, not that I wear them. Oin told me I had enough holes in my body. The burns still hurt, but I’m so used to it now I hardly notice it anymore. The elf said it was some sort of curse and that he would need more help and the ‘proper’ environment to treat it.
I don’t want to go to the forest, my mind hasn’t changed on that. But I find myself climbing trees to see yours better. I found one that is just a tiny bit higher than the others, I like to think I can see just that bit more of the trees from that one. I could stare at the trees for hours, one day I may count them, I’ll tell you how many next time I
I don’t want to go to the forest, but I find myself unable to chase it from my mind.
Nim
Dis and many of the other dwarves who had called Erebor home arrived that spring. Nim had remained back in the rebuilding city of New Dale when they arrived. Dis seemed not to care how long she had traveled, of the banquet Thorin had prepared for their return as she stormed into the New Dale in search of her. Nim had almost fled out to the lake before Dis had caught her and bundled her in a hug so tightly Nim can still feel it if she thinks long enough on it. Nim had tried to refuse to go to the banquet. Thorin still had no kind words for her, and there would be even harsher ones if she arrived uninvited. Dis had insisted and declared if Thorin was going to overlook Tauriel he could overlook Nim as well.
Nim had not seen much of the new king, just a passing glare of muttered insult in passing. When she took her seat next to Dis at the head table she expected the same but instead, he gave only a short nod and began a great speech and retelling of the great battle. Nim only half listened her focus distracted at the small smiles Kili and Tauriel would share when no one was watching. Nim offered most of her food to Bomber who she sat next to that evening and left before the great celebrating began.
Nim wrote to Thranduil again.
There will be a wedding before long I am sure. Kili is infatuated with Tauriel and It looks as if she is the same. What would you call the offspring of a dwarf and an elf? Could they even have children? We need something good here, we are still finding dead months later.
I’ve moved myself to New Dale. A little shack in one of the unrepaired ruined buildings. Bard offered a spare room to me, but I couldn’t take it. My nightmares are so much worse with. I just needed quiet. Its just someplace to sleep and think in peace. Dis wasn’t happy she tried to place me in a new room in Erebor but –
With spring in full force, I find the call of the world keenly. I’ve had my pack set up to go but I always find a reason to stay another night. Bilbo is preparing to visit next spring. Company would be nice on my travels, just not too many. He told me he would love to show me his home. Do you think Toron would frighten the other hobbits? I know he may certainly try.
That winter remained silent and Nim did her best to focus on the happenings of the town and the mountain. With her resistance to the cold, she took up many tasks of collecting wood for the fires of the city. Wargs and orcs were still spotted on rare occasions and she went on many night watches to make sure none ever dare to harm the people there. Despite the cold, she found the melancholy that had hung over her had lifted some with something to do.
She had even managed a small conversation with Thorin. He had been fretting over what to do for a room, as one would need to be fixed up and prepared for when Bilbo arrived. Nim couldn’t help the tease in her voice as she told him to make it like his own. The dwarf had started back with a retort before he realized her meaning and blushed and mumbled something about crudeness.
“I find honesty to be a better fitting term.” Nim had responded, “When it comes to yourself and those you care for you should always be honest.”
“You should follow your own advice then.” Nim had only tilted her head in confusion at the remark, how could she not be honest with herself? It was not like she could lie.
“I see you stare at the trees of Mirkwood often,” Thorin added.
“I don’t want to go to the forest.” Nim had responded, “That is no lie.” Her tone was firm.
“Then why watch them so obsessively? Dis worries if you stay in that tree of yours any longer you will start to grow branches like your stag.”
Nim paused ignoring the slight tease Thorin had sent her way. She stared at the dwarf for some time and simply stepped away unable to find an answer to his question. She found it later after reading another letter from Bilbo. She writes a reply to the hobbit and then found her writing the final letter to Thranduil.
It’s time for me to move on. I find myself unable to pretend anymore. I’ve done so much pretending since the battle. I look at the forest, and sometimes at the mountain and I find myself no good at pretending. I need something real, the world is real. When the snow has gone, and I can pack supplies I’ll leave.
With your silence, I assume our paths will not meet again, so I guess this is my farewell.
Farewell,
Nim.
*********************
That letter was sent several months ago, and the ground had finally stopped freezing fully at night. The sun was cresting the horizon and Nim realized she had been out all night. She probably would have remained up in the branches until well after morning had Oin not come and shouted her down.
“Done counting trees then?” Oin scoffed checking to make sure her wounds were not oozing before waving her towards the mountain.
“I’m at six hundred and seventy-two. And I’m only halfway across the horizon.”
“Seems a shame you won’t get to be finishing them.” Oin gave a pointed look. With winter finally releasing its grip she would be leaving very soon. “You’re at least staying until Bilbo arrives, no? The hobbit will be mighty disappointed if he comes and you are not here.”
“You just want to poke at me more.” Nim accused with a smirk.
“I’m telling you, I found this mushroom in the deep mines, very rare and very powerful. It could be the key!” e wagged a finger at her, “If only you would hold still long enough to let it work.”
“I need to move, I’ve become stale here. So much has happened here It feels as if I have not seen the world in ages. Toron is restless too, the land here is so open that you can only walk around it so many times before you’ve seen most everything. I will stay until Bilbo arrives, it will only be a week or so more before he is here. I wish to see him before we go, we met under challenging times it would be good to see them in happier.”
“And- “Oin pressed.
“And with me staying I will let you put the fungus on my back to see if it will do anything, which it won’t.”
“And.”
“I will remain on the ground for an entire day, happy? You know Oin, I’m starting to think you are going to miss me.”
“Bah! Glad to be rid of ya’! I’ve gone grayer in the last year because of you than I have since I started.” He grunted but there was a good-natured tone to it. “Where is that stag when you need him, Dis is making breakfast and if I know those boys it’ll be gone before we even reach the gates at this pace.”
I do not come when you call, you are a peasant. Toron bounded up from a thicket of pine trees, shaking loose needles from his coat. But I wish to have a muffin, so I will carry you to the gate this once. He lowered himself so Oin and Nim could climb on.
“You said that the other day about her pie too,” Nim noted and Toron only snorted.
Nim was right in her assumption of Bilbo’s arrival. He was perched somewhat awkwardly at the helm of a wagon pulled by a rather aged looking horse. He tried to call the creature to a stop several times along the path, but the steed continued on until its nose was nearly pressed against the gates of Erebor. Then with a snort yanked its head effectively removing the reigns from Bilbo’s grasp.
He is rather insulted that you assumed that you were leading him. Toron commented as Nim began removing the gear from the creature’s body. And I quote, I have not lived with that wizard my whole life to be bossed about by a creature that hardly reached my knees.
“Now now, you can’t blame the poor fellow he’s learning this traveling thing still. Sometimes its hard to remember that it's not just people who can think.” She gave a teasing smile to Bilbo who shook his head.
“Well, I thoroughly apologize for my assumptions.” Bilbo held out his hand as if to shake the steeds hand and much to his surprise he found a hoof lifting to meet his palm. Nim had to cover her mouth to keep from laughing as Bilbo sputtered and shook the horse’s hoof.
“Come, Thorin is in a meeting now but I’m sure he’ll be done any moment to greet you. He’s planned a whole celebration on your arrival. It was quite sweet to see your king worrying over the details for you.”
Bilbo flushed and fiddled with the buttons on her vest, “Well yes, I . . . well. Ahem, what about your king Nim? How is . . . he?” Bilbo trailed off catching the look in Nim’s gaze, “Oh, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have asked- “
“Fret not Bilbo. Was I to have a king I would not have been given the life I’ve lead up until now. How did you say in your last letter? The world has touched me in a way that has changed me forever, I am unsure if I will ever enjoy a peaceful life the same way again. The world has changed me too and there will be no peaceful home to go to.”
“Now, now don’t talk like that. You never know, there are plenty of elves here. I met several in Rivendell who would be absolutely delighted to meet you. Forget that stuffy old king!” He declared tossing his hand away, “If you asked me, he dressed far to frivolously to be any respectable companion.”
“Frivolously?”
Bilbo jumped her eyes going wide as he spun to face the elf in question. “Gandalf! You told me you would not be coming until tomorrow morning! And you never mentioned bringing. . . “ He trailed off his eyes bouncing between the elder wizard and the ageless elf.
The tension seemed to grow the longer the group stood in the entrance of the mountain. Toron seemed to be holding back with all his might to keep from launching the king into the air with his crown. Bilbo had scuttled slightly behind Nim who remained mute. Only Gandalf seemed unbothered, contently lighting his pipe and letting a few rings of smoke past his lips.
“Good to see you Nim, Toron.”
This caused something to snap in Toron and her slammed his hooves down and moved to stand so close to the wizard the heaving breaths from his snout extinguished the embers in his pipe. Could you not leave well enough alone?
“Whatever do you mean?” Gandalf blinked flicking his fingers to bring forth a spark between them to relight the tobacco. “I simply stopped by the kingdom to speak with King Thranduil and he decided to accompany me here.”
We were moving on! she was moving on! We were happy, and you bring this bastard back to haunt us! Do you enjoy seeing my little one in pain? Because that is all that you seem to do! Toron snorted again extinguishing the pipe once more before turning to look at his little one.
I will gather our things and we can depart before they ruin this evening anymore. He promised and then with a final furious glare at the two unwelcomed guests he galloped towards New Dale.
As he stag took off Thorin rounded a corner and stopped short, “Bilbo? What is wrong, has he hurt you? Threatened you?” The dwarf quickly closed the gap between him and the hobbit and began to check over him to make sure Bilbo was not harmed himself. “What did you do Elf?”
“He did nothing Thorin, King Thranduil is only here to speak to Nimineth and then he plans to be on his way.” Gandalf stepped around the pair of elves, “Nim mentioned a celebration? A fresh cup of wine sound lovely right about now. Don’t you think so Bilbo?” Gandalf turned his staff gently tapping the hobbit as he leads him and Thorin back into the stone.
“Don’t leave without saying goodbye!” Bilbo said quickly over his shoulder, “Can call if you need . . . anything.” He glanced at Thranduil before finally following the wizard properly.
“Well?” Nim finally spoke, “You want to talk?”
“Here?” Thranduil glanced around at the dwarves who were working in the main entrance, a few pausing now and again to glance at the two elves. “Wouldn’t you prefer someplace more private? Do you have a room here or-“?
Nim sighed and motioned for him to follow. Thranduil looked confused as he was lead away from both the mountain and the City. Nim offered no explanation, instead choosing to focus on the wilted grass at her feet. She wasn’t sure where she was going, perhaps she could just keep walking and he would grow bored and leave.
The hope was fleeting though as after the world around them became more remote Thranduil took her shoulder and spun her around. “Enough, we talk.”
“So, talk.”
“It seems like you are the one with much more to say?” Thranduil reached into his robes and pulled free a few cuts of parchment. Nim recognized her writing on one of them. Nim stared at them, a small grain of hope beginning to take root.
“So, you read them?”
“I found them open on my desk shortly after Gandalf arrived, so I skimmed,” Thranduil responded dryly.
The little root quickly shriveled in Nim’s chest and she looked away, “Then what? Are you here to tell me farewell in person? Listen to you demand answers to Question’s you didn’t even ask? You made it clear on your standing with me so- “
“What is truly just pretend?” The quiet question caught Nim off guard and she stopped. Thranduil turned the letters around in his hands until one with two short blurs of writing rested on the page, “You said you were tired of pretending. Was I just pretend?”
“I can’t give you a life you want- “
“Was it pretend?” Thranduil asked.
“You don’t understand- “
“Was it pretend?” He pressed once more, his fists clenching so they wrinkled the old letters.
“I’m not like other people, I can’t have a normal- “
“Was your love for me pretend? Was it? All of it just a ploy to look after your precious dwarves?!”
“No!” Nim had to shout to be heard over Thranduil. “No, it wasn’t pretend.” She added quieter. “It was never pretending with you.”
“Then what-“
“I don’t know. I don’t know how to explain it.” Nim looked out to the land trying to wrangle her jumbled thoughts into place.
Part of her was indignant to his anger, who was he to be mad after refusing to even read her letters? If anyone was to be angry it should be her. There was hope bubbling somewhere too. At the mere thought of her affections being false, he had come to make sure his feelings were returned. It meant that there was a chance to mend whatever was broken between them. Loudest of all was a growing fear. Even now she could see in his eyes that her words were not enough, he still thought her false. IF she could not show that she felt the same would he reject her entirely? Would she once more be ignored, or even worse hated as much as he hated the dwarves? If her next words were to fail, she knew nothing would ever be okay between them again.
Thranduil was growing agitated as the silence stretched on. Nim stopped and started again trying to find what words could convince him. Suddenly Thranduil turned away with a furious flare of his cloak. Nim almost fell trying to grab hold of him. He could not leave, he did not understand. How could she show her jumbled thoughts-
“Thranduil!” Nim called his name and took a few steps back. The elven king turned to Nim his gaze holding hers before dropping to her outstretched hand. “I can’t cheat memories, what you experience is how it was.” He stared at her hand for a long moment before closing the space between them and taking hold of it.
********
For a moment Thranduil was disoriented as he found himself staring at well, himself. His clothes were different, and the ground was covered with snow and a dull pain was throbbing in his lower back. It was exhausting to even stand here, he was still so tired and weak. He wanted to return to his bed and curl up deep into the blankets and –
“Nim! Are you even listening?” The memory of Thranduil snapped, “You don’t even care, do you? I should have- Fine, stay with your hole diggers.” With a final icy glare, he turned away and mounted the horse brought to him.
Thranduil remembers that day too clearly. Looking down at Nim exhausted and thin and yet to sure that this ramshackle mass of clay eaters could provide the healing she needed. She hadn’t even looked remorseful or apologetic to reject his pleas for her to return with him. He had been so angry then he hadn’t even looked back once to see if she made it back to the mountain okay.
Nim had watched though, had stared out to where he had vanished long after he could be seen. He could feel how she wanted to reach out and stop him, she wanted to return with him. Even when the land began to fall to twilight and her body cried out its discomfort Nim was trapped in a torrent of longing.
The world went dark and suddenly He was in a tree staring down at a troop of dwarves that marched in towards the mountain. A she-dwarf at the helm of them all. His heart was ecstatic to see her, it had been so long and yet she had not changed a bit beside going a bit grey in the beard. Nim had even begun to climb down the tree when Fili and Kili came racing out on rams and all but catapulted themselves into their mother’s arms. His joy was suddenly stunted as he watched them embrace and weep to see each other all alive and well once more.
He- Nim, was suddenly keenly away how she did not have that. None but Toron would weep at her passing, some would probably never know she died. Reunions with dear friend were emotional but it was nothing like what she saw before her. She had no bonds like a mother to a child. Thranduil was suddenly drawing away from the dwarves and up into the city of New dale.
Then he was sitting in a dim lit room listening to tales of the dwarves’ childhood. Nim enjoyed sharing tales of her mischief with Fili and Kili. One dwarf, a young thing with a mess of red hair interrupted Nim mid-story.
“What about you?” He asked, “Your childhood? Do elves not do anything fun as kids?” He scoffed.
“That’s not true!” Kili blurted out, “Nim has lots of good stor- “He cut himself off realization dawning on his face as he looked to her.
“Well?” The young dwarf arched a brow at Nim.
“Nim’s stories will have to wait. Oin was looking for you an hour ago and if you wait much longer he may come hunt you down.” Dis interrupted though her gaze held the same knowing look. Again, Nim was struck without different she was from those around her, not just by her odd living habits but how vastly different her life had come to be. No memories of mothers or fathers or playing games with other children. There was nothing, just pain and darkness.
Memories flew by faster and faster. Bard tucking his children into bed, Kili and Tauriel trying to sneak away after dinner, Thorin quietly pinning over an absent halfling. As they flew past a new sensation was becoming more and more apparent. For a moment Thranduil felt trapped behind glass as he watched the memories flicker past. He -Nim, was part of them but at the same time not. It became harder to watch as the sensation grew stronger all but severing the ties Nim had once felt she had.
And then it was gone and Thranduil was standing before Nim and she was staring up at him, “I can’t pretend to feel part of something that I’m not. My brother will always be my brothers, but it will never be what I want it to be.”
“That’s because you haven’t tried, you run off on your stag before- “
“Could you picture me a mother?” Nim cut in, “Tending to a garden at a home like a normal person? Cradling a child in my arm? Living a normal life with normal problems?”
“Its because you won’t try-“Thranduil took up Nim’s hands and tried to pull her close but she resisted.
“I have tried, hundreds of time. I tried here I tried with you. I want. . . I want a home, a family. . . but there is this thing blocking me and . . . I-I’m not ready to face it yet.” Her voice had grown small and Thranduil recalled the torrent of agony he and experienced, the glimpse into her dark past.
“So, you will just leave?”
“For now, I’ll come back. I always do, don’t I?” She offered a weak smile.
“But you never stay.” Nim dropped her gaze preparing for the worst before she found herself suddenly wrapped in a tight hug. “I hate it, I hate that you will leave because I will always fear that one day you will not come back but. . . “
Nim let out a breath and suddenly held him back, relieved that this would not be the last time she saw him.
“You are infuriating and frustrating and don’t know why I trouble with you.” He drew back to look at her face.
“I’ll write as often as I can.” She promised. “Stay with me tonight. I left it a slight rush, so I will have to return to Mirkwood at best by morning.”
“My home is little more than a shack.” Nim shrugged sheepishly. Perhaps if she found Dis the she-dwarf could find someplace they could stay that was only half dusty.
“Let's just walk, for now, you still look ready to crawl from your skin.” Thranduil took her hand and began leading her towards some far-off point on the horizon.
It was no full proof plan, in fact, it was hardly a plan at all. She knew there would probably be more days that she left his side furious than happy. At least for tonight though she could feel a little more assured that there was something to go back to. Perhaps that what she needed, for now, having someplace to go, someone to expect her was new and it was more ‘normal’ than anything else she did. She could not live a life that he had hoped with him, but perhaps, one day, maybe. The dark wall that haunted her may one day not feel so large.
****************************
Three years later:
The doors to the main hall suddenly flew open as the great stag bounded into the space with Nim perched on his back. She hopped from his back and splayed her arms out to show her new wardrobe to Thranduil.
“What in Arda’s name is that?” He took in the wide-brimmed had the drooping layers of black and dirty shades of what appeared to be color.
“From the north! I met a little village up there, only traded with a handful of others for centuries. They thought elves had long since died off!” Nim twirled and then pulled the hat from her head. Thranduil tried to hide his shock at the state of Nim’s hair. The sides had been shaved nearly to the scalp and were cut to the scalp and twisting patterns.
“Women of high standing all have their hair like this, isn’t it neat?” She spun showing the back of her head was the same as the sides leaving only the top of her head the same shaggy mess. “Apparently the more design in one’s hair the higher chance of a good marriage.”
Three men proposed to her, two were prepared to fight to the death. Toron helpfully pointed out.
“Isn’t that amusing, come, let's get you into something proper.” Thranduil stood making a point to ignore Toron’s jab. “I’ll have the cooks prepare something filling, you feel thin.”
“They ate mostly deer.” Nim explained, “Beyond that roots and mushrooms.”
“Something sweet then too.” Thranduil added hugging her a bit tighter to his side, “You’ll be staying for a while longer than before yes?”
“A few months.”
Nim had visited once before though it was dressed in the clothes of the shire than of some lost village. She had only stayed a few days before she was off once more. She had remembered to write the first few months but Thranduil couldn’t fault her for failing at that. It wasn’t easy to find a mail hawk so far from proper civilization.
She would stay up all night telling him about it though, each tiny detail as if she were trying to make it appear before them. It would be as if that dark time had not happened, at least in the beginning. Eventually, she would have to go to the healers to have the unhealing wounds checked and medicated, though they all knew it did little. She would grow quiet for a time her eyes distant and then they would sleep and once more she would be the Nim he knew.
It was not perfect, he knew there would be fighting and arguing and many other bumps. In the end though, whether she left with a smile or fuming he could be certain she would return. She would always return.
“Thranduil?” Nim’s voice cut into Thranduil’s thoughts, “Staring off into space is my thing.”
“I was trying to decide if you would prefer a cherry or apple tart for dessert.”
“Cherry, apples are awful.” Nim stuck her tongue out.