Chapter Text
Jessica
If being honest, there were times Jessica feared Kara wouldn’t come back this time.
Her worry often reached its peak two days after Kara went back to the job, and she was alone in the apartment she rented with the two of them living together in mind.
She’d try to do some housework, but Kara’s absence in the house would be too loud to bear. She’d then try to stay in her shop longer, but even the joy of doing what she loved would be drowned out by those dreadful questions: When would Kara come back next time? Would there be a next time? What if they used up the last moment together without knowing?
It’d get better on the third day. Jessica would convince herself to be patient and have faith. Because Kara was good at what she did, and she always came back because she loved her and she’d never broken a promise with her.
Considering there was no news, she’d rather assume everything went well. She never dared to remind herself that if there were any bad news, no one would think of telling her. In fact, in the context of their relationship, silence always meant bad news.
But this time it was different. Jessica sat in the car, waiting. She tried to ignore the lower sound of the air conditioner - it drove her crazy - and to repress the urge to flee from possible outcomes. She wanted someone to return soon and tell her what was going on in the building, but she wasn’t sure which one she wished to see first. What if Kara hurt Harold? What if John hurt her? What if anyone killed anyone?
The only thing she was sure about was bad news or not, this time she’d be told.
Her stomach was hard as a rock at the thought of it. Maybe knowing wasn’t a blessing, she thought, but she had to know. She chose to.
Hours ago she got Harold’s call. The situation was a mess, but they both agreed on a plan. According to it, Harold met Kara and Jessica went to help John. After giving him those weapons, there wasn’t much she could do. She had to trust John in it.
Still, she had to do something, or she might be regret for the rest of her life. John and Kara had been partners, but like what he said, she knew Kara where he didn’t. So, she asked John to tell her one thing if there was any chance. Just one thing.
Jessica hoped she know Kara enough to pick up the right words. She wasn’t demanding her to fulfill any obligation - it had never been what the promise was about - she wasn’t asking her to love her forever.
After Kara left, she kept telling herself it was because she was useless in Kara’s life, she wasn’t good enough to be loved. She did it because they were better versions, better than Kara dying, better than Kara choosing death over and over despite everything she had hoped to give her.
Kara once gave her a promise, and it meant the world to her. What mattered the most to Jessica, what she could never trade for anything, she hoped Kara understand.
Don’t throw it away like it was nothing.
Jessica hoped Kara know her enough to get the meaning. She hoped Kara still care for her enough to care for it.
The car door on the passenger side opened.
It was Harold. Still panting, he took out his laptop and then was busy doing stuff on it, meanwhile talking to John via the earpiece.
So this was what they did together? Their job? Jessica watched him, not knowing she was holding her breath. She hoped there was something she could help.
After as if hours had passed, Harold lifted his head and asked if she could drive to the back door so they’d pick them up. Jessica did immediately. Her hands were sweating.
Once she stopped the car, she turned her head to Harold’s side, her heart in her throat.
She saw John come out of the building. He didn’t look very well.
Jessica couldn’t find the figure she was looking for.
No this wasn’t-
She got out of the car at once and ran to him. Harold was saying something, panicked. She didn’t care.
It was a freezing night, and she just realized she forgot her coat. She always forgot her coat.
“Jess-”
“No where’s she?”
His hand clasped her arm.
But this wasn’t happening.
She was this close. She would not walk away now.
***
Kara
Kara knew what Jessica was trying to tell her, she always knew, for the very first time they lay in the bed together in the apartment, and she heard her heartbeats echoing someone else’s for the first time.
She just pretended not to understand, because it’d be easier to pretend Jessica was only asking her to stay and to love her. As unfamiliar as it was, it wasn’t hard. She felt she always knew how to do it.
But it wasn’t what Jessica’s wish meant. What she asked was something harder, something far worse. No one had asked it from Kara before.
You know the job I’m doing, Jess. You must know how hard it’d be.
Kara remembered what she’d told her, and she remembered Jessica’s answer.
Yes, Jessica had said, that’s why I asked.
Jessica was the kind of woman who knew what she was doing - Kara admired her for that - and she seldom asked things from others, and when she did, it’d be something vast, something vital.
Jessica was asking her to choose life, over and over, at crossfire, behind enemy lines, in the darkness. She didn’t know everything about Kara’s job, she didn’t need to. She was going to ask anyway. Because Kara being alive was the most precious thing to her. Anything else standing in the way could be damned.
Kara had pretended it wasn’t the most difficult task she’d ever taken. Staying alive to finish the job was easy. It’d been how her world worked. But no, Jessica didn’t ask her to stay alive so she could achieve something. She wanted her to be alive without demanding anything out of it.
And she never knew how it worked.
The gun was heavy in her hand, and she didn’t like how her shoulder wound started to feel. She leaned back to rest her head on an iron cabinet. It was cold, and it felt nice.
Most people were down. Reese was stubborn and insisted on staying for a little longer, but he got to the staircase anyway. So it was good.
Mark and the other guy were nowhere to be seen at the moment. She still had one bullet or two left. She could still kill him, Kara thought.
Or, she could choose to stay here.
Jessica hadn’t fathomed the real result of her wish. What a stupid girl. Kara couldn’t help smiling. Death was perfect. Life was only one letdown after another. It was always the one who survived that was the most disappointing.
But you owe her that much. Kara reminded herself. You deserve to see the disappointment in her eyes.
Kara exhaled, and then sat up.
She could finish CIA’s trickiest mission with a smile. Surely she could do this.
Kara walked out of the mess and then down the stairs.
After she left Jessica, there were times Kara thought about what’d she see if she had a glimpse of her again. This wasn’t one of them. In her mind, Jessica was waiting for the traffic light with bags of flower materials in hand, or she was with friends, smiling, or maybe she was with someone more special to her.
Not this. Not Jessica stood in the middle of the street during such a cold night and looked lost and terrified. And she forgot to wear her coat again. She always forgot.
John was there, holding her arm and saying something to her. He could send her home safe. Nothing to worry.
“Ms. Stanton,” Finch said, limping across the street.
Jessica turned at once. Their eyes met.
Fear in those eyes didn’t completely fade away after Jessica came near and took her hand, and Kara knew the moment she felt her hand wrapping hers that there’d be no other choice at all. She’d follow her to anywhere until Jessica decided to let go.
John walked near, looked concerned.
“Mark slipped away,” she said in an even voice, “They’ll have to clean the mess before the morning shift.”
“In other words, it might be the best if we leave now,” Finch suggested, “Do I need to call Detective Fusco for assistance?” he asked John.
“The CIA will prefer to keep it to themselves. Just keep an eye on it will do,” John said, and Finch nodded before taking out his phone.
“You’re bleeding,” Jessica reminded her in a low voice. Kara made herself turn to her. Jessica gave her a look.
“No,” Kara shook her head. No hospital.
“Home, then.”
The four of them split up.
Jessica said ‘Home,’ so Kara told herself it’d be a bit longer.
Jessica said 'Home,’ so Kara only let herself hesitate a few seconds before passing through the door.
The living room was the same as when she left. Nothing had changed except for those days. Except for them.
“Sofa might be more comfortable?” Jessica suggested before going to the bathroom for the first-aid kit. She came back in seconds and then sat on the sofa arm, a bit higher than Kara so she could examine her wound better.
Jessica took care of it attentively, frowning. It was like the old times.
But Kara couldn’t pretend as if nothing had happened anymore, especially now when - unlike those images in her head - she could see her face this clearly to know Jessica was upset not only because of the wound.
So, she opened her mouth, knowing she might ruin the last good moment she had.
“So you know what happened.”
Jessica paused, and Kara realized she might have ruined Jessica’s good moment, too, by breaking the illusion.
“Yeah, I heard,” Jessica answered before getting back to what she was doing, her hands still and steady.
“I left you without a word.”
“I noticed. I was heartbroken.”
Kara’s breath caught, and she lost the courage to advance an inch further.
Jessica finished her work and then collected items back to the kit. She pushed it aside.
“Kara,” she announced, “I am sorry.”
So now was it. Kara thought she probably should stop asking questions when she wasn’t ready to hear the answer. But she made herself look into Jessica’s eyes and see the sadness. Kara feared what she’d see next, but she deserved it. She owed her that.
“You were betrayed, Kara, by people you gave your life to. You didn’t deserve that. I’m sorry.”
Kara just woke up in a hospital in Ordos. She’d start to feel more pain as consciousness taking over and recognizing her body’s injuries. Being alive hurt.
But she wasn’t in a hospital. It was a different time overlapped. Sea waves washed over the earth and for a moment she thought it had always been water and only water everywhere, but then, it backed away.
Where she was, this world, was warm and soft and the smell was familiar as Jessica gently pulling her near. Jessica wrapped one arm carefully around her neck and held her wrist with the other hand.
Kara let herself be hugged. She wanted to put her arms around Jessica’s back but she couldn’t.
Her consciousness was taking over. Her body started to feel pain. Somewhere inside her started to recognize pain. It felt like her heart was falling into a bottomless hole, but Jessica was holding her, for now, so Kara rested her head on her chest.
She closed her eyes and started to count.
She always knew when she would wake up in dreams just a second before the light.
***
Jessica
Jessica could smell gunpowder and a faint scent of blood. She hugged Kara carefully not to pull her bandaged wound, but the position of bending down without putting too much weight on her soon turned uncomfortable. Kara didn’t hug her back. Her body was stiff and trembling almost imperceptibly. But Jessica kept holding her, trying to smooth her back and caress her wrist, and after a while, Kara was becoming more relaxed.
Jessica had so many things to say to her. The past year they’d lost. How she still thought of her every day. And since it was way past midnight, they both needed to grab a bite to eat and maybe shower. But she didn’t want to break the contact just yet.
She had been wrong the whole time, thinking of herself as incapable of standing by Kara’s side, while in fact, it was never about whether she was enough or not, but about how long she was willing to embrace her like this.
For as long as Kara wanted, she thought, unable to hold back her affection and protectiveness - they were melting into where their bodies touched anyway - she said:
“You know, Katie.”
Kara shook violently and withdrew from the embrace at once, her face pale as a sheet. She was as shocked by what she’d done as Jessica. She averted her gaze.
Jessica reached out to touch her forearm. “What’s wrong?” she asked, trying to find Kara’s eyes only to see they were empty as if Kara wanted to disappear on the spot. As if she rather not to exist.
“No,” Kara breathed out.
Something was terribly wrong. Jessica knew it. Now she could recognize Kara’s expression because she had seen it once or twice in the mirror. She had to be empty because being present at the moment hurt too much.
Kara hurt because of her. But Jessica didn’t know why.
Maybe she still screwed up this time. But if this was it, if it was now, she hoped she know.
“I was scared, Kara,” Jessica said, and then waited for Kara to lift her eyes before continued, “The last few weeks of when we were still together, I feared I’d lose you. I feared you might be dead after you left. What happened today was pretty scary, too. But nothing, Kara, nothing is scarier to me than this moment. I fear I might have done something and hurt you. I never intended to. So help me here? Tell me what was wrong.”
“It’s not you. I am not-” Kara nibbled on her lower lip, hesitated, and Jessica waited. “-I am not who you think I am. I’m sorry it’s such a disappointment.”
“Who do I think you are?” She was confused, reaching out to touch her hair. Kara didn’t move away again, so she stroked it gently.
“Not me.”
Now they were in an impasse.
Jessica kept the contact for a little longer, caressing, and then brushed a strand of hair to its end. Her hand stopped to touch Kara’s elbow to assure. “I’ll just go make us something to drink, okay?”
She stared into the sink while boiling the water.
***
Kara
Jessica brought back two cups of hot chocolate and sat with her.
Kara took hers. Jessica added an extra portion of milk for her, as usual. Kara pondered the mundane detail for a little while, wrapping her hands around the warmth. She didn’t have a preference, not really. The reason she’d ask for an extra portion in shops was that she never had it in another way. Jessica, on the other hand, never add it to any of her drinks. The only reason there was milk in the house was because of her.
“Remember when you found out Peter was hitting me?” Jessica initiated the conversation again, drawing Kara out of her thoughts. “You said you’d kill him.”
“I did.” Kara frowned at the unpleasant memory. Why mentioned that man again?
“It was only the second time we met and the first time was even an accident but, you said kill, I didn’t want or imagine to do it, of course, but it didn’t frighten me. In fact, it was the first time someone heard me. Someone told me I didn’t deserve it. I knew you cared, and it was you.
When I thought I was probably going to die that night-” Jessica swallowed. Kara took her hand out of reflex. Jessica squeezed it back. “-It was you whom I chose to call, Kara. No one else. I was asking for help, yes, but I didn’t know where you were at then. But if it was it, if I was going to die, it was you whom I wanted to speak to.”
Kara breathed out slowly, noticing she’d been clenching her jaw. She forced herself not to cling to those words. No. It was-
“It was you whom I wanted to spend my life with. The only reason I called you Katie was because it was the name you gave me, and I thought it was special for me. I never thought it’d make you feel alone and I only chose parts of you. I am really sorry.”
It was so wrong. Why was Jessica the one apologizing now? Had it been possible, Kara would have given anything to change what she’d done. But it wasn’t possible. There was nothing left of her worth giving.
“No, it’s not you, Jess. It’s-” complicated. Kara swallowed down. “No matter what, I should never leave you like that. I’d promised, but I didn’t keep it. I’m sorry. It was selfish of me. It’s easier to walk away than-” Her words tripped in the middle of an outburst. Was she going to tell her that? It was the vulnerability, the weakness, and she didn’t mean it wouldn’t be safe in Jessica’s hand; it was dangerous merely be spoken out. “-than stay and then disappoint you.”
Although in the end, it was probably still the same.
Jessica stared at her intensely, her eyes wide and moist. “I’d thought you left because I wasn’t enough for you. For the thing you wanted to achieve in life, you know.”
There was nothing she achieved in this life.
“Can I use the shower?” she asked, abruptly in need of filtering herself out from everything. “Or if you feel-”
“Sure you can,” Jessica answered, first in disbelief, and then dejected. “You need help with that?” She pointed to her shoulder.
“No. Just ten minutes.”
“Okay.”
She took less than ten minutes, but she sat and watched the water run until the time was up.
She opened the door to see her sleepwear placed on the bed.
“I thought I packed everything.”
“You did,” Jessica answered. She sat at the vanity and stared down at things on the table. “This is the one I spilled maple syrup on by accident. They forgot to send it back for weeks. And we forgot to pick it up.”
Kara silently took it and changed. Jessica came near and then sat at the end of the bed.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.” Kara sat beside her.
Tentatively, Jessica laced her fingers with Kara’s, and then she asked, “Why Kate? I got that you couldn’t give me your real name back then. And I used to think it was only a random pick because of the initials, but it wasn’t, right? Why does it make you this upset? Do you want to tell me?”
She wanted if she could. And if she couldn’t tell it to Jessica, there would never be anyone else. She would never be able to admit it to herself.
And maybe she’d always wanted to, since the moment she unknowingly gave it to Jessica. Fate was a weird thing.
“Kate is my real name.” Kara licked her lips. “But it was not for me.”
“What do you mean?” Jessica said softly.
“It was supposed to be hers. I’m… It was twins. But somehow they thought it was only one girl. They found out why when my mother gave birth. She didn’t survive the first few weeks, so it was always only me. She knew her baby’s death when I was born. What remained was tiny and, it was hard for her to accept, apparently.”
Jessica moved nearer, her body’s warmth pressing like a comfy blanket. “I thought you only have a younger brother.”
“Yeah, luckily he’s a simple child. I am not normal people you know that, Jess.” But it wasn’t my choice to be alive. She kept those words between her teeth and her lower lip. “I just didn’t understand why…. She could’ve just changed the name.”
But you couldn’t give up a perfect name, could you? Death was a beautiful subset full of possibilities, where things could be everything you wanted it to be. Life was a dot got stuck in a line, and she wasn’t even fit.
“I don’t care about people, my family. I always don’t,” Kara continued, “I killed my sister to survive.”
“Of course it wasn’t what it meant,” Jessica protested, “These things happen. It’s not anyone’s fault no matter how people want to say about it.” For a moment the only sound in the room was their breathing, then Jessica asked, “So, how did you know about it?”
“Supposed I shouldn’t. But she kept things, a photo, items that were prepared for her. I found out by accident, and I was old enough to understand what she meant when she said-” Kara paused. She exhaled slowly.
Jessica looked pretty pissed, but her voice was tender when she encouraged, “She said what?”
“She’d prayed for the wrong child.”
Jessica turned her face away.
They couldn’t keep talking like this. It was just stalling for time.
“I don’t belong here, Jessica. I wanted to.”
“You really believe it?”
“Yes. Yes, I do.”
“Even if I tell you-” Why did her voice sound strange? “-How I felt that night when I called you, I felt the same when you told me what you did. And I still feel the same today? Kara, I’m not lying.” So it was because she was crying.
“I know.” Kara felt her heart sinking, but she let it be. “But it’ll change. Don’t make promises that will only turn into a cage. You deserve much more than that.”
She could feel Jessica’s feeling for her right at this moment. It was such a mystery, but no.
Kara Stanton wasn’t a good person, and she never intended to be. But she would not be another Jess’ mother or another Peter. She just couldn’t.
In the end, there were only disappointments. It was inevitable because it had always only been her. She never chose to be born. She didn’t want those shit they gave her.
But not now. Kara had a choice now, and she’d proved it again and again that she was perfect in the death’s world, where she would never upset anyone who was important to her.
***
Jessica
Jessica only started to cry because Kara didn’t. She said it as if it was nothing. As if it happened to someone else and didn’t even affect her.
It wasn’t nothing. Jessica couldn’t imagine how Kara felt every time she called her by that name. And it was always when she felt the most affectionate toward her. Jessica couldn’t imagine how people could stay alive and dead at the same time all the time.
And, if like how Kara believed, she wasn’t a nice person and she decided to use her kindness on this, then there was no way Jessica could fix it because Kara wouldn’t want her to do it in the first place.
“So, is it the end?” Jessica turned to face her.
“I’m afraid so.” Kara cupped her cheek and tenderly wiped her tears.
“Do you want it to end?” Jessica clung to the last hope seeing her lips shivered slightly. Kara didn’t lie. She only gave her the truth. Or silence. Silence always meant bad news.
“No.” Her voice broke.
Then why don’t you stay? Jessica repressed the urge to ask because she knew the answer would only hurt more.
“I don’t either,” she said instead, “But you won’t believe me even if I say I will never want it to end.”
The way Kara stared at her, it looked like an apology. “No, I won’t.”
“Okay.”
Jessica rested her head on Kara’s uninjured shoulder. She wanted to. She was allowed, for now.
Kara rested her hand on her hair and caressed it lovingly. Jessica hummed. Kara hesitated and then placed a kiss on the top of her head. Her lips lingered like a memory. Memories were all sad because they were the remains of good times. Good times never lasted forever, no matter how hard she tried.
Soon, it’d be the morning of another day.
Another day.
“Ask me again tomorrow,” Jessica blurted out.
“What did you say?”
“If I still want to spend my life with you. I won’t lie. You deserve honesty so even if it’ll be hard, I will tell you. I promise.”
“Jess, I don’t understand-”
“And ask me again the day after it.” In this pose, Jessica could hear the delicate change of Kara’s breathing. She was getting it.
“And then the day after it,” Jessica continued, wrapping her arms around Kara. “I don’t want a perfect dead girlfriend. Perfect is boring like normal is boring, we both know you’re not that. You’re right, Kara, being alive was full of disappointments, it’s inevitable. So I choose you. I don’t want any other kind of disappointment other than you.”
Kara let out a sob. Jessica’s heart beat wildly.
“And who knows, maybe I beat you in this. I deserve honesty, too, so you leave me-” Jessica breathed. It was hard, but she’d say it. “-if this doesn’t make you happy anymore. But don’t walk away because you feel there’s no place you can be.”
“Jessica,” Kara’s voice was trembling but also soft, just like how she was now tracing the curve of Jessica’s shoulder and the nape with her fingers. “Are we talking about how we’ll break up in the future?”
“So we don’t have to today. Hopefully tomorrow. And the day after it. Yes.”
“Okay,” Kara whispered, and Jessica felt something warm dripping on her face, but she didn’t look up. She curled her fingers at the thought of wanting to make the embrace tighter, her fingertips digging into Kara’s back. Knowing what she wished for, Kara’s hand moved down gently along her spine, pressing her closer.
Jessica had used to want good times to last. The first time Kara kissed her. The day their flower shop opened, and they stood in front of the door smiling at each other. Their vacation to the seashore. She watched Kara walk down the beach in a long dress during the sunset. She was so beautiful.
But none of those things lasted forever.
Because being alive was old days kept dying in every breath. But they still chose to hold each other like this today.
Life was always changing anyway. Jessica could remember every single time in her life when love started to expire. This time she deserved to see how it’d rise and revive for once.