Chapter Text
When Matthew accidentally fell asleep on James he hadn’t expected James to still be there, also asleep, during the night. Matthew had immediately gotten up to apologize but was mesmerized by James slumped body still clutching his book to his chest and his glasses nearly sliding off his face. Matthew sighed at himself and had retreated to his bedroom to scream into his pillow. How could he function with the knowledge that James was in his living room? How had he been so bold as to lay on top of James and stay there, basically trapping James on his couch! Matthew screamed into the pillow again and is caused Adele to bark in concern for her master. Matthew stopped screaming to give his darling assuring pets and kisses, and also to keep her quiet lest her rare bark had woken James. He picked her up and investigated, but James was still in a deep slumber. Adele squirmed and he placed her on the floor, only for her to leap onto the couch and curl up onto James stomach. Matthew held his breath when James shifted, but otherwise remained asleep.
“Adele!” Matthew hissed, beckoning for her to come back. She blinked at him before putting her chin on James’ hand and closing her eyes, obviously ignoring the command. Matthew sighed again and left her alone, glancing at the sweet scene before him. He always pegged James to be a cat person, with his silent judging eyes and reclusive nature. Matthew was delighted that James had taken such a liking for Adele, and in turn received many kisses from his darling. He was envious in a way, Adele had permission to shower James with the affection he deserved, but Matthew had to restrain himself, be careful about how far he went. He couldn’t recreate what James once had, and wasn’t trying to. He wanted to be there for James, show him that there was more than one way to love, more than one way of receiving tenderness. Love, Matthew thought to himself, he had known he was inexplicably in love with James for weeks now, there was no more denying it.
That was why now, at breakfast, all Matthew wanted to do was pull James into an embrace and tell him everything was going to okay. He had thought James was coming down with something, but instead realized it was much deeper and closer to James’ heart. James was a world away as he stared at the breakfast set up that Matthew hadn’t even thought through. Of course James would be reminded of a different time, waking up to someone making him breakfast with what looked like a romantic set up, what was Matthew thinking?
Matthew reached out and tentatively gripped James’ shoulder, visibly jolting him out of his staring and he turned his head towards Matthew with glassy eyes. Matthew stared penitently back, but to his surprise James smiled at him.
“Thanks Matthew, I...don’t know what came over me,” James spoke softly, before biting his lips and glancing back at the table.
“Do you need to go?” Matthew gave James the option, he wasn’t sure that James was comfortable enough with the raw vulnerability that was still hanging in the air.
“I…” James placed his coffee mug down and faced Matthew again. Matthew watched as James regarded him with a frown. “I keep doing this, making things awkward between us.”
“That’s not true,” Matthew assured him with his urge to protect James from his insecurities. “You’ve been through a lot, we all have those kind of moments.”
“One could say what I’ve been through pales in comparison to you.” James commented bitterly. Matthew shook his head, his body swelling with fury at the woman that cause such self depreciation in James.
“Never compare yourself to others, or to me, you hear?” Matthew spoke passionately, no longer keeping a reserved, quiet tone. He didn’t want to tiptoe around James, but didn’t want to scare him off. He was constantly in a battle of his heart and mind over this for the past few weeks. “You have endured, and persevered, and even now you are more open and honest about yourself. Never worry about making things awkward with me, I want to be there to support you that’s what friends are for.”
Although Matthew longed to have something more with James, he would never stop being his friend. He couldn’t even imagine not being friends after all the time they’ve been spending together. That’s why it came to be such a shock to hear James’ next words.
“I don’t want to be friends.”
Matthew felt as if he were pulling James out of a crashing ocean, only to be yanked down to the water and left to drown by his hand. He took a startled step back, his breath catching in his throat, and failed to notice James’ eyes go wide with regret and panic. With everything going on with his father, and to hear that someone he had fallen for didn’t even want to be friends, it was too much and Matthew could taste the salt of his tears.
“Matthew!” Matthew could faintly hear James call to him, but he couldn’t see past the blurriness of his eyes until he felt hands on his shoulders, and saw the golden hue of James’ eyes up close. “Matthew, no don’t cry that’s not what I meant, oh god…please Matthew hear me out.” Suddenly he felt the warmth of hands on his cheeks, and gentle thumbs desperately brushing his tears away.
“J-J-James?” Matthew blubbered, bewildered by his tender touches.
“Matthew,” James breathed, leaning close and his forehead touched Matthew’s so he could get a clear view of his expression, unfiltered and open for the first time. Through his tears Matthew saw James staring at him with a longing and fondness that mirrored his own feelings. He finally heard James again, reiterating what he had said earlier in a soft whisper. “I don’t want to be friends Matthew, I...I want...I want you to call me yours. I… I’ve fallen for you.”
Matthew couldn’t contain the sobbing sound he made, which earned him a frightened stare from James before he pulled James close, burying his face in James’ shoulder. “Oh my god James, me too!”
James held him tightly against his chest, and Matthew let out more sobs, overwhelmed and overjoyed by what James had confessed. He clutched James shirt and coughed into the material, sniffling before steadying his breath. He heard James mumbling repeated apologies, how he hadn’t meant to make him cry, he simply couldn’t stand Matthew referring to him as simply his friend any longer. He felt a hand coursing through his hair, and he sagged against James’ body, finally releasing the tension he hadn’t realized he possessed until now.
“Matthew say something please….” James begged. “It’s been ten minutes.”
“Oh dear,” Matthew pulled his head back up, “Didn’t you hear what I said?”
“I did,” James nodded, and Matthew finally saw that he had been crying too, from the redness in his eyes. “You kept crying though…”
“Sorry,” Matthew wiped his eyes quickly. “I was so overwhelmed.”
“Don’t apologize, I’m the one that lacks any tact…” James admitted, holding Matthew’s face again. Matthew gave James a shaky smile, and pressed their foreheads together again.
“We’re both a mess…” he laughed, and saw James biting his lip between chuckles. He stared into James’ eyes and they simply stood still, taking each other in, now that everything had been laid bare.
“Matthew-” “Jamie-”
“You go,” Matthew encouraged and James shook his head, his curls tickling Matthew’s skin.
“I’m horrible with words I don’t want to make you cry again…” James told him. “So…I’ll just... I… no...can I…?” His thumb delicately brushed Matthew’s bottom lip, and Matthew took a sharp intake of breath in realization. “...can I kiss you?”
“Please Jamie….” He answered, and James’ smile light up his entire face, before he leaned in. Their noses brushed against each other, and Matthew fluttered his eyes shut as he felt James’ lips against his. Matthew wrapped his arms around James, holding him in place. James’ hand knotted in the back of his hair as their lips moved gently, becoming accustomed to each other. They stood like that, embracing and kissing, until Matthew felt a nudge on his shin and moist licks seeping through his jeans.
“Adele…” he mumbled into the kiss, and reluctantly pulled away. James huffed, but bent down to Adele’s level, wagging a disappointed finger at her face. She seemed to think it was worth licking as well, and James giggled, looking up at Matthew with a face so clear and loving that Matthew beamed back at him. James then glanced up at the table with the abandoned breakfast.
“It must be cold by now…” He pouted and Matthew chuckled, ruffling James’ hair.
“There’s a neat invention called a microwave that can reheat food instantly.” Matthew explained to James and he scowled playfully.
“You!” He straightened up and mock glared at Matthew. Matthew responded by planting a chaste kiss on his cheek. James face heated up an adorable shade of red and Matthew was delighted when he buried his face in his shoulder affectionately.
“Guess I know the secret to ceasing your judgmental judging.” Matthew joked once more and received a playful shove. James looked as if he was about to give a smart remark but they both jumped at a ringtone going off in the adjacent room.
“My phone,” Matthew rushed to reach it before it was too late. James followed him with Adele in tow, and Matthew gave him an apologetic look before answering.
“Hullo?”
“Matthew! When was the last you saw James?” Lucie’s voice was ridden with worry and Matthew observed James’ face drop at her tone. “He never answered my calls or texts! I was hoping you could reach him for my parents-"
“Lucie!” Matthew interrupted. “Lucie he’s quite alright!”
James had scrolled through his own phone which was apparently silenced, and held his hand out for Matthew to pass his phone.
“What do you mean, do you know where…?”
“Lucie,” James answered her, and Matthew stepped towards James, placing a supportive hand on his shoulder while listening in.
“James! What the bloody hell, why were not answering Mum or Dad? Mum is terrified you ended up in a ditch and Dad even called Uncle Jem to send a search party!” Lucie reprimanded James, who shrunk from her voice. Matthew squeezed James reassuringly, Lucie could have a temper if prompted, but Matthew had never been in the path of her wrath himself.
“I’m sorry,” James mumbled but Lucie rambled on about responsibility and at least sending one text so they would know he was alright. James seemed to endure this for a few minutes, but grew visibly agitated. Matthew asked if he wanted him to take the phone back, to calm Lucie, but he shook his head. “Lucie I get why you’re mad but I fell asleep. It wasn't planned, but I’m safe now and you can tell Mum and Dad that.”
“YOU tell them, they won’t accept this call unless you’re home safe and sound.” Lucie sighed and Matthew raised his eyebrows.
“What are you, a teenager with a curfew?” Matthew was beginning to wonder if he had been getting James in trouble and had not known it.
“I don’t have a curfew, which is why this… reaction… is a bit over the top.” James was glaring pointedly at the phone as if Lucie could see it.
“I… may have told them about that one night during your first week back… since I had no idea what happened to you...” Lucie admitted, her voice sounding small and James groaned. Matthew gave James a concerned glance, what was Lucie referring to?
“Lucie!”
“If you had just told me you were still with Matthew we wouldn't be here!” Lucie huffed in defense. James gave Matthew a reassuring smile, and mouthed ‘i’m okay now’.
“Well it’s my fault, I didn't think to text you either,” Matthew chimed in, after he sensed the conversation was becoming exclusive to the Herondales, on his own phone.
“Yeah it is!” Lucie agreed. “You could have at least answered my snap!” Matthew laughed but James looked less amused.
“Don’t blame Matthew for not constantly giving you his undivided attention.”
The jealousy behind his words was palpable and Matthew was caught between being touched and being even more amused.
“Really?” Lucie sounded offended at the accusation. “I wasn't the one that spent the night!”
“Okay okay,” Matthew grabbed his phone back from James before the siblings could continue their bickering. “Lucie I’ll personally make sure James goes straight home, and I’ll respond to your snap.”
“Fiiiine.” Lucie agreed. “Do hurry though, I’ll distract the parental units.”
After he hung up James let out a long sigh and collapsed onto the couch. Matthew tilted his head at James’ state and sat down next to him. He reached out his hand, and James took a hold of it with a squeeze.
“Now I guess I have to introduce you to my family…” James said flatly.
“A lot quicker than imagined,” Matthew chuckled a little, but noticed the anxiety on James face. “You know…. We can take this slow. I’m your friend, and Lucie’s friend. We don’t have to define what this is yet.”
“You’re right,” James slumped against Matthew and Matthew rested his head on top of James’ curls. “My parents will be furious as it is about this mess Lucie caused.”
“Does it have to do with what Lucie mentioned?” Matthew asked.
‘Yes…”
“Not going to elaborate?”
“I….can’t.” Matthew noted the catch in James’ voice and he snaked his arm behind James’ back to hold James closer. “I’m not ready.”
“I respect that,” Matthew assured him, and squeeze him tight. “I’m here for you, either way.”
“Matthew?” James sat up and looked into Matthew’s eyes. “We don’t have to tell my parents about us…. But Lucie was your friend first, she may get suspicious.”
“Suspicious?” Matthew arched an eyebrow and James blushed.
“You’re open and expressive about everyone you care about... even though I’m the complete opposite, Lucie notices everything about me. She notices that I tend to hide myself from her to protect her, but this….being with you like this… I don’t want to hide it, at least from her. She is the reason we even met.”
Matthew nodded, his heart swelling with newfound admiration of James’ love for his sister. Of course he knew she could see through his attempts to close himself, of course they should tell Lucie about this grand development in their relationship. It hadn’t occurred to Matthew that he would have to hide anything from Lucie, but felt reassured and safe at James decision.
“If it’s alright with you, then it’s alright with me.” Matthew pressed his lips on James’ forehead, and James tilted his head up to catch his lips on his instead. Matthew was pleasantly surprised by how affectionate James had become and laughed a little as they kissed, thinking how could they hide this when they could hardly keep their lips off of one another?
“What’s so funny?” James combed his fingers in his hair, and Matthew had an idea. He leaned in to whisper into James ear, and the other man rolled his eyes but nodded.
“I don’t even understand social media, do what you will.” He gave permission for Matthew’s brilliant plan.
“Be careful what you wish for Jamie, besides it’s only Lucie.” Matthew grinned, holding his phone up for a snap selfie. James moved his hand out of his hair and snickered at the state of Matthew’s locks, what was presentable blonde bed head was now sticking up wildly from James’ interference. Matthew was still grinning and was filming the moment within the allotted seconds and winked at the camera. He was about to shut off the feed when James boldly kissed his cheek to seal the deal, and it cut off with Matthew exclaiming ‘Jamie!’ and James giving a pointed look at the camera for Lucie’s benefit.
Once the recording stopped, Matthew’s phone slipped from his hand as they both burst into laughter at what had transpired. Immediately Matthew’s phone buzzed and Lucie was requesting a live video chat through another app. Matthew answered, still cackling and all he could hear was Lucie screaming about the video.
“You guys! I cannot believe this! Matthew stop laughing at me!” Matthew couldn’t help it, since Lucie was grinning and giggling as well. “Seriously what was THAT?! You can’t be serious, are you guys serious?” She sounded giddy with surprise but she glanced between the two of them on the screen for confirmation and liked what she saw. “Oh alright I understand now. You two better come over still!”
“We’re coming,” James assured his sister. “We just wanted you to know.”
“How long?!” she asked. Matthew glanced at James, and he shrugged.
“This morning, kind of.”
“WHAT? No I must focus, I need you two to get your sorry butts over here so our parents don’t have heart attacks. We WILL discuss this later,” She pointed her fingers at her eyes and towards the camera in a mock no nonsense manner.
“Just, don’t mention it in front of them, we’re not ready yet” James told her. Lucie regarded them both with sincerity.
“Of course, Jamie.” She promised. Matthew waved her goodbye and ended the call, disengaging his arm from behind James so they could get ready to go. James pulled on his arm before he could get up, and Matthew turned to give him a questioning stare.
“Yes?”
“You’re okay with this right?” James clutched on the sleeve of his robe tightly, and Matthew leaned closer to try and read the sudden conflict that returned to James’ expression.
“Okay with what exactly?” Matthew pressed, since he was slowly learning that James tended to say the first thing on his mind without providing the context of his thought process.
“With going to see my family, I realized you probably have things to do, the salon….your father.” James sighed, looking at his hand instead of at Matthew. Matthew reached over to tilt James face towards him.
“The salon’s taken care of today, it’s true I was planning to see father, but… I have all day.” Matthew gave James a reassuring smile. “You don’t have to worry about a thing, I’d have said something by now if I wasn’t on board.”
James let out another deep breath, probably in an attempt to relieve the anxiety pouring out of him like a waterfall. Matthew hoped to ease it with a gentle caress on his face, and James smiled a little. “Okay… I believe you.”
“I’m glad that you do,” Matthew returned James’ smile, even when he could decipher the history behind his words. How much James grew to trust him in such a short period of time was humbling, and frightening, considering what Grace had done to James in the recent past. Matthew hoped he wouldn’t disappoint James, or his family, the way he knew Grace already had.
Matthew went off to find his jacket and spend at least fifteen minutes in front of his mirror to fix his hair, then to feed Adele, and finally stuck a bookmark in front of James’ face since he had been waiting on his couch engrossed in a novel. They trekked outside into the late winter air of London, and Matthew could feel his nerves jittering as James led the way to the tubes to get to his family’s residence across the Thames. It hadn’t occurred to Matthew just how far away James’ home was and was secretly relieved that James had stayed the night for logistics sake, since the Underground could be a nightmare to navigate without some planning ahead.The bright side was that it gave Matthew time to distract himself with pestering James about his family before arriving. Did his father hate all waterfowl like geese or swans, or was it exclusively ducks? (“Just ducks I swear.”) What was his mother like, was she a writer too? (“She’s a blessing, and not as often as she used to apparently.”) How did they meet?
“My aunt often called them the greatest love story of all time,” James answered. “But it’s very long and I don’t remember all the details.” He admitted, and Matthew gasped in shock.
“James Herondale, you’re telling me you haven’t memorized the story of your parents love? What kind of son are you?” Matthew placed a hand on his hand but gave James a teasing grin.
“The kind that was sick of hearing it all the time and decided to read other books instead.” James rolled his eyes at Matthew. “Besides….my dad tells it best.”
Matthew smiled softly at the fondness in James’ tone when referring to his father as the car rattled. He briefly wondered if his own father remembered every detail of meeting his beloved mother, before remembering the condition of his mind. Matthew looked away from James to blink away his sudden grief, but felt a squeeze on his hand. Matthew looked down to see James’ hand in his, and he squeezed back gratefully. They sat together in silence, holding hands, and Matthew rubbed his thumb on the back of James’, the motion calmed both of them down in the turbulence of the ride, and within their minds.
After a good walk through the neighborhoods James slowed his pace a little and let go of Matthew’s hand, turning on the corner to his street. Matthew pouted, but understood why James had done it. If they weren’t ready to announce their new relationship to his parents, then it wouldn’t be smart to waltz in holding hands.
“Matthew please, I can’t stand it when you make that face,” James covered his eyes with that hand Matthew still wanted to hold. “It’s worse than Adele’s when she begs me for treats.”
“She emulates her papa’s face so wonderfully, doesn’t she?” Matthew laughed, ceasing his pouting for James’ sake. James laughed, and Matthew could feel the tension slipping away as they arrived at the townhouse. James immediately produced a key and entered with a dry greeting, and Matthew followed him inside.
“I’m home.”
“For goodness sake Matthew,” Lucie emerged from behind a curtain, apparently having watched them arrive from the front window and gestured at his hair. “Is this reason you took so long?”
“I never leave the house without it done you know this!” Matthew argued jokingly, and noticed James crossing his arms at being completely ignored. Lucie shook her head at him with a knowing smile and finally faced her brother. “They’re upstairs waiting.”
“Why do I feel like we are suddenly about to go on trial?” Matthew raised his eyebrows at Lucie.
“We are not going on trial, I am.” James corrected.
“It won’t be that bad,” Lucie assured James, and gave Matthew an expectant gaze, as if she was counting on his presence to help the situation. Matthew raised his eyebrows, but followed the siblings upstairs to a living room of sorts. When they entered, Matthew paused by the doorway in awe. The room was decorated like a scene from Downton Abbey, decorated with a mixture of Victorian and Edwardian furnitures and decor, accented with modern touches such as a subtle digital clock on the mantle of a mahogany fireplace, and a laptop upon the coffee table. Shelves of books lined all of the available wall space, and there were even more upon the tables, some opened and scrawled on, others holding bookwarks and post it notes within their pages. Upon closer inspection Matthew could tell some were very old editions of classics, perhaps passed down from generations. He was so distracted by the gorgeous room he had briefly forgotten where he was and why he was here.
“....and this is Matthew Fairchild, the friend I made at the salon I mentioned? I made Jamie get his haircut there too.” Lucie was explaining, and Matthew snapped his attention back to the conversation, and was face to face with the striking blue eyes of a broad man with unruly black hair like James. Matthew was immediately star struck, having seen this man’s photo in the back covers of his novels, and swallowed down his nerves to extend a hand. He was utterly surprised when William Herondale’s face light up before him in recognition.
“Fairchild? As in Charlotte and Henry’s boy?” The man was grinning from ear to ear and grasped Matthew’s hand tightly, shaking it enthusiastically. Matthew opened his mouth, but was at a loss for words, so James asked the question he had in his mind for him.
“You know his parents?”
“Know? Of course.” Another voice chimed in, and Matthew was struck with another famous presence for the second time that day. This man had more delicate features than Will, but his hands were calloused and crossed over his chest as he regarded the young adults with a kind smile. This was James Carstairs, or Jem as he was known by all his adoring public. He was a musician who began his career in the London symphony before rising to fame as a concert violinist. He was herald by critics as a modern prodigy, able to convey through song emotions and experiences to a vast audience, whether it was live or recorded.
Matthew’s hand was let go and he received a gentle pat on the back from his James’ father. “In the early years of your parents marriage, they ran a program for adolescents that was sponsored by the Fairchild side of the family.” Mr. Herondale explained, with a fond smile on his face. “We were the first and last under Charlotte’s care before your family moved away and she gave the reins back to her aunt.”
“What?” Matthew breathed, looking between the two men before he heard a sigh and his eyes met a woman, who looked like how Lucie would be aged a couple of decades minus the blue that was so clearly from her husband. She was shaking her head at Mr. Carstairs and Mr. Herondale disapprovingly.
“Don’t overwhelm him, he was admiring our books before you brought his family to the discussion.” She glanced at her children, who seemed just as bewildered by the new information. “I see why you get along with Jamie and Lucie so well.”
“Thank you,” Matthew managed to regain some of his wits, before sharing a glance with James. He didn’t know what James was thinking, but if his family had been so close to the Herondales all of this time, Matthew realized he probably encountered James before and hadn’t realized it. Although, when he thought about it, he rarely spent much time outside of his home growing up, even when his mother and Charles went out to visit the Lightwoods or other friends. He was often so focused on his father, disguising his need to make sure he was safe with an interest in his inventions. Even with the most expensive model of chair out there, his father was always a naturally clumsy individual, so people were often accustomed to Matthew’s presence at his father’s side. It wasn’t until recent years that Matthew emerged from his bubble, allowing his father breathing room, giving more opportunities to get to know the Lightwoods better, starting his own business, meeting newer people like Lucie and James... “We get along splendidly.”
Matthew smiled widely at Mrs. Herondale, overcome with a sense of security he didn’t think he was seeking when he entered James’ home. He had nothing to worry about, or hide, from these people it seemed- except, perhaps, the one recent development that was beginning to seem less like a secret and more like a simple fact.