Chapter Text
"Kagura, as you're a yato and more physically capable than us. Can't you just run ahead?" Kagura turned her head to look at Shinpachi in confusion before uttering an amused "ohh" when she finally got what he indicated.
The stupidity of his own comrades really knew no boundaries sometimes. "Don't 'ohh' me! You should already be fully aware of your own capabilities!"
Shinpachi felt something hard hit his head. He turned around groaning in pain and finally realized that Gintoki had hit him, with his bokuto! [1] "Shut up! Can't you tell that I'm trying to read my jump here Megane?" Was what he heard seconds after.
Taken aback by his boss rude behavior, it took him a minute to compose himself and gather his thoughts. The idiot was reading a fucking Jump when they clearly have more important things to do right now! "Wait! Why are you reading Jump and running at the same time?! Why do you even have that Jump!? We're supposed to take this seriously dammit!"
Shinpachi looked to his left side only to see that Kagura was gone. "Eeh… wait a minute? Where'd Kagura go?"
"Weren't you the one who told her to run ahead?" Gintoki picked and flicked away a booger from his nose with clear disinterest.
"She could at least have told us when she was gonna run off ahead." He felt the need to retort, how useless it may be before idiots like him.
"Your screeching made it very clear that you wanted her to do it immediately. Oh, and didn't I tell you to SHUT UP?! Some people are trying to efficiently read and pick boogers here!" Shinpachi, once again, could feel Gintoki's bokuto hit his already sore head.
Since when is he the one who's done wrong, he isn't the one who always does as he pleases wherever he goes. Those two idiots are! He lovingly rubbed his head. (No one else was willing to rub it lovingly for him anyway.) "stop hitting me with your sword Gin-san! You're supposed to be the grown-up role model here, so act like one!"
"I don't remember ever telling anyone that I am the most mature and grown-up role model out there though!" Gintoki screamed back.
Shinpachi successfully dodged a third swing towards his head. Shinpachi snorted forcefully and took up a stone from the ground while continuing their never-ending marathon and threw it as hard as he could at Gintoki's right hand. He screeched out in pain; immediately dropping the Jump to the ground. "Gyaaa! My Jump, my Jump!"
"Don't you dare turn around and go get it! And who said you were mature?! I said that you're grown up! As you're a good bit over 30!"
"I'm still in my twenties you damn brat!"
Shinpachi looked blankly at Gintoki, void of any emotion. "I doubt…"
"You heartless bastard! I have a soul of a young boy! A young boy who only wants to read his JUMP! But his bitchy mom won't let him because he never listened at her the first time she called out for him to come in for dinner! I am so sorry okāsan [2]! Can I go get my Jump back now okāsan?!"
Irritation building up inside him he punched Gintoki in the head with his own bokuto, mostly because of revenge though. "Who are you calling bitchy?! Never mind about that! Who are you calling mom?!"
And their pointless bicker went on and on until they arrived -to their horror- before the Yorozuya office. Standing before them was no longer their office, but a junk. The whole two store apartment was in ruins, furniture that should have been inside the office was unfortunately on the streets. The worst thing yet is that they both were sure that everything is over for them. They're getting arrested now for sure, and when the old hag came back, what would Gintoki and Shinpachi say then? 'Oh I'm so sorry granny, two dumbass policemen and one bloodthirsty yato wrecked the whole place. Your bar included.' Like hell they could do that!
Shinpachi saw Gintoki slumping down on the floor on all four, already defeated and screaming at the top of his lungs. "All I wanted was one peaceful day! One! But no! All I get is: my Jump gets stolen from me by an annoying glasses stand" Shinpachi felt like screaming at that one. "A bloodthirsty yato destroys my home together with two dumb and useless policemen!" He agreed there though. "I want to sleep! But no, because my futon lies there, burned up, across the street! And where the hell did they do to my strawberry milk?!" Everything he cared about is his stupid sleep and sugar in the end! And he who thought that his boss once and for all would act according to the situation; big mistake.
Shinpachi felt his breath become more exhausted and panicked. He also, in turn, got down on all four. It wasn't because of exhaustion, but fury. He snapped. "I've spent years of cleaning up that rat house of a place, and now it's all for nothing! And the food! The food! Where is the food?! It's nowhere! It's not like we can afford anything you know! Kamui-san always ends up cutting our pay anyway!"
He tried to calm himself down by trying to even his breath. Only to snap again when Gintoki screamed at him from his left. "Well goddammit, Patsuan!" Gintoki switched to a sitting position. "Nothing gets restored just because you're sitting there screaming like an idiot!"
"Says the man who began it all!" He saw how Gintoki's patience was running thin just by looking at his panicked face. Just as Shinpachi's head was 1 centimeter from Gintoki's fist did they see two figures come out of the garbages and piles of junk. One of the figures held a purple umbrella and the other one held a katana. Shinpachi silently thanked them for saving him.
They could see the two figures clashing against each other just to separate the same second they struck and after that, they would come back to each other again; one of them dodging and it went on and on in the same pattern without rest. Sometimes but rarely one of them would fail at dodging, resulting with that person getting wounded.
Looking more closely and focusing their eyes to the fullest, the two men could somewhat tell who the two monsters were.
"Sofa-kun, Kagura! Stop this, you idiots!" Gintoki screeched in bitter despair. Gintoki got ignored as bitterly as he screamed when the two bloodthirsty beasts above the junk kept on swinging their deadly weapons towards each other like the wild demons they are.
"Interesting fight, isn't it?"
Shinpachi felt a (hundreds) shiver(s) run down his spine. Off all people that Abuto had to send, it was this person. There was no doubting it, that cheery tone, that voice. It's...
… and Gintoki screamed once again "I clearly stated to him that Kamui was the last person I wanted as help, and he is the one he sends!"
Kamui, said person who clearly heard everything from where he stood behind them with that fake smile and those shut eyes feigned hurt with a pout. "That hurt samurai-san, you know I came all the way here just to help you guys and my dear little sister. And I got some valuable information too..."
"What!? What is it!?"
"You sure scream a lot nowadays, huh, samurai-san?" Kamui asked as he walked next to the two men on the ground.
"You can thank your monster of a sister for that…" Gintoki muttered.
Pretending not to have heard anything (stomping on Gintoki's head for insulting his sister) he then answered. "As an answer for your previous question, those policemen have yet to know your or mine true identity. Those two only insulted each other until they both couldn't take it anymore and it escalated into a brawl."
"Yo chll thot ahg bhrwl?! Iths ahg fhkng wghar!" With pressure between the cold ground and Kamui's foot on his head, Gintoki's words became imperceptible.
"Hmm? What did you say samurai-san? I can't hear you."
"Ght th fhuhkg og mgh!" (Get the fuck off me!)
"Huh?"
"Kamui-san, maybe you should stop step on his head so he can talk properly…?" Shinpachi suggested shyly, because of fear and respect towards the yato.
"Ah, you're right glasses-kun. Why didn't I think about that earlier?" Kamui took off his foot from the middle-aged samurai's head. Said samurai quickly got up from the ground screaming at Kamui, not caring whether he was stronger or not. "You call that a brawl?! It's a fucking war!" He pointed at his before-to-be-house and screamed again. "It's all in ruins! In ruins I say! What about my weekly collection off Jump? My strawberry parfaits? My STRAWBERRY MILK?!"
Now, both Shinpachi and Gintoki were on their feet again.
Shinpachi took up a broken bar stool from the street (earlier owned by Otose) and punched his leader in the head with it. "That's all you care about?! The rest of the food?! The money this will cost us?! All new furniture we'll have to buy?!"
Gintoki rubbed his sore head, not caring about anything else at the moment he screamed in protest. "To hell with that! I want my parfaits!"
"Well, clearly no one else wants them!"
Gintoki gasped in horror. His own underling and trainee had just told him that no one cares about his wonderful parfaits. He clearly can't have that, as the proud sugar lover he is! "H-how dare you!" He stammered in seething anger. "Apologize! Apologize to all parfaits out there in the world right now!"
Kamui looked with amusement at the two bickering men. 'Wow, they're even worse than me and my sister when we're fighting over the last slice of meat. Oh no wait, never mind.'
Getting more bored with the minutes, Kamui heroically decided to step in and save (destroy) the day. "Samurai-san I'll help out my sister with her little brawl. And I'm cutting your pay with as much as 92% for insulting my sister, almost leaking all our secrets and destroying my afternoon fun; killing insects. See ya!"
"Wait, is that even legal!? Can you even cut our pay that much!?" Shinpachi complained while Gintoki, as usual, asked the most irrelevant questions for the moment in the most deadpan and calm face as ever. "You're deciding to act on your feelings now?"
"Gin-san, Kamui-san always acts on his feelings… only in a twisted sadistic extremely tsundere and psychotic kind of way." Even though the question itself is dumb and useless he still felt the need to answer it for clarification purposes only.
He saw Gintoki pondering on the answer for a minute and then hit his right fist on his left palm in excitement (something rarely seen on his face if not sugar or Ketsuno ana was before him) as if he figured out the answer of the most important quiz in the world. "So in other words, a yandere."
Deciding that enough is enough, and that he need to get some sense into this idiots head once and for all, he screamed. "He's not a yandere! Yanderes' doesn't act all tsundere, they openly show their twisted feelings and eliminate everyone that comes in the way of their happiness with their crush. However, sometimes they can act all sweet and innocent just to turn all psycho in a split second. They don't try to hide their feelings and they don't insult their love interest either!"
Shinpachi saw a rainbow of emotion cross Gintoki's face in 3 seconds (also something that rarely, no never has happened before) such as happiness, excitement and then a self-proclaimed smirk. 'No fucking way…' Shinpachi thought in horror.
"Wait a minute! Only another yandere can tell how a true yandere are. Shinpachi don't tell me that you?" Gintoki faked a horrified look. "Gyaaa! My own comrade is a yandere freak! Please don't kill me! I won't get close to Otsuu-chan I swear so please spare me!" He fucking knew it! This idiot just him it so that he could use it as an opportunity to openly tease and humiliate him. 'Stupid old geezer!'
"What the hell Gin-san!? I am no yandere!"
"You say that now, but after awhile you'll show your true colors and slice me open like the heartless killer you are!" Gintoki nodded nonchalantly at his own statement.
Feeling satisfied over the overburning rage on the glasses stands face he decided to let this matter go, and probably annoy him even more by ignoring him. Thus, shifting his attention to the two fighting monsters and probably an uninvited psychopath. 'Eh? Wait, what, where'd the three of them run off to. And, ISNT MY OFFICE WORSE NOW THAN IT WAS BEFORE!? IT'S BEYOND REPAIR NOW GODDAMMIT!' he inwardly screamed in clear and utter despair. Fuck it, he's gonna send Kagura away with a fucking postmark and the address written in clear writing just to make sure she gets delivered to her brother without delay or any possible hinders. As for the police officer, he yet didn't know. But he'll figure something out for that one too.
After Shinpachi also turned his head to the Yorozuya, the two men, once again, for the millionth time that day, screamed out together in despair.
This was certainly not one of Gintoki's good days. His house is beyond repair, Gintoki has never screamed this much in his whole life before, he got forced into playing the straight man character part, Shinpachi just becomes more and more of an otaku each day that passes by, Sadaharu who he suddenly spotted in a corner was slicing up all his yukatas with his claws, and was that Oogushi-kun's body in Sadaharu's his mouth?, he can't pay for any of the expenses and Otose were coming home from her little trip together with Tama and ugly cat any second now.
Goddamn it all... Goddamn, his turn of luck. Goddamn, his life!
"You two seems to have it rather fun." Kamui remarked nonchalantly as he watched his sister and an already on his to-kill list policeman fight some meters ahead of him on the rooftop of a skyscraper not so far from the Yorozuya -in ashes- building. (don't ask how they got there, crazy stuff happened) His guts told him in an alarming rate to be aware of the said policeman. Mostly because he's too close, oh so too close to his innocent little sister. Even if it were a mere brawl between two fellow warriors, he didn't like it one bit. As it's often that way yato men flirt with yato women to show off their strength to the women themselves to show themselves worthy.
Oh, boy was he happy that neither his lil sis (whom never listened to Abuto's classes about Yato history) or the annoying human policeman knew about said facts.
"Yeah, I'm kind of enjoying this actually. And who may you be?" the policeman asked him nonchalantly while pointing his sword at him as if nothing in the world mattered to him. As if he didn't know that he right this instant indirectly flirted with his little sister. Though he truly didn't know what he currently was doing but who cares? Kamui himself clearly doesn't, just the sole thought that someone is flirting with her -willingly or unwillingly- makes him seethe with rage. 'She's too young! she's too young! She's too young for this!' he tells himself, despite her being 18 already. Still, he doesn't care.
"I'm Kamui." He cheerily answered albeit somewhat nonchalantly. If this man pretended as if everything was as normal as if could be, then he would too, even if he already does it every day.
"eeh, is that so?" He could see the man before him smirk. 'Don't kill him yet, don't kill him yet, don't kill him yet don't kill hi-'
His thoughts were interrupted by the same man. "Why's that thing on your head dangling like a madman? You scared or something?"
Fuck patience and negotiations, he no longer cares about Abuto telling him not to make a fuss. He's gonna make sure this bastard knows his place!
Kagura watched as the two idiots before her had an aggressive conversation with each other, filled with sarcasm, nonchalance and was that anger she could feel emanating from her brother? 'Stupid aniki [3]! Taking yet another sparring partner away from me. And I was looking forward to beating this sadistic bastard up too…' Not to mention that Kamui forcefully had shoved her several meters away just to get in front of the sadist. She stomped her foot impatiently on the floor.
Their conversation quickly turned into that of an argument. And then into a who-can-insult-the-other-more-creatively contest just as she and the sadist had done right before their fight begun. She needed to admit though, they were rather creative with their insults. They used insults such as "carrot head", "katana nerd", "umbrella freak", "sadistic forever to be virgin", "psychopathic also forever to be virgin" etc. She knew that her brother was a virgin as he has no interest in women at all, but that sadist looks like one hell of a player so that one came as quite the surprise. Though it's just an insult made out of the blue, so it can as well be a complete lie.
A wave of irritation crept up to her because her brother just had interrupted them when things were getting fun. Damn her brother for taking her new rival away from her! "Can you two stop this! You're behaving like 7-year-olds, yes!" she screamed while impatiently putting her arms in the air with her umbrella at hand.
"As if you're one to talk!" Was the direct without hesitation answer they shot back at her before they went back to their useless bicker. Oh was she gonna make sure that both of them ate those words up. Or maybe she can stick them up their asses? The latter sounded better and more satisfying in her ears.
She walked towards the grown-up babies who screamed profanities at each other without break. Without hesitation or the slightest bit of guilt or regret, she took hold of the back of their heads, digging her nails into their scalps and felt how they both tensed up under her harsh touch -clearly understanding that shits going to happen- and slams their heads as hard as she could together. She bathed in the pleasure of their pained groans and screams as they rolled around down there on the ground in intense pain.
A huge crack on the ground had been formed because of the intensity of the hit beneath them were they currently were rolling around. She was rather proud of her new piece of art, a huge portion of skull blood in the cracks, two rolling men in pain, probably hundreds of brain cells lost. She smiled a self satisfactorily grin.
In pure reflex and instinct, as her brain progressed this as a clear win, she dipped her right index finger in one of the groaning men's blood (she couldn't tell who it was.) and drew a tiny R mark on the ground.
She immediately understood what she just had done and erased it with the palm of her hand before anyone could see. Luckily, that sadist was caught up in holding his skull and the overflowing pain in it to have realized anything. Or so she thought.
Her brother, on the other hand, saw everything and gave her a non-understandable look of confusion and, worry? They're both in the Reapers so what's the problem? He's even the commander of said gang!
Just then, did she look around and saw all the people around them. Looking at her with wide eyes.
That was also the moment when she realized that they had managed to get down from the freaking skyscraper. How did she not realize that? It must have happened when she slammed their heads together; the building must have collapsed out of the strong force. And she must have been so caught up in anger and irritation towards her brother that she didn't realize anything.
Shit.
ShitShitShitShitShit!
She needs to come up with an excuse and that quick. She could always tell the folk around them that it was all a silly joke, but even if she hated to admit it, the policeman rolling around mere meters away didn't look like the dumb type. If she were to tell everyone that it was a joke he would certainly suspect her, despite not seeing anything. He could always just ask her out on "what it was that was a joke" She knew that he already suspected her, and throwing things aside as a joke is one of the oldest tricks in the book after all. He would only start suspecting her more she was sure! However, she didn't have much of a choice now, did she? "Hahah" she fake laughed. "Take it easy now everyone, geez, it's just a joke. So easily fooled you all are, uh huh."
To her relief, they seemed to buy it, because soon everyone walked past them as normally as they did just before. She was a little surprised though. when the whole building broke down no one seemed to really care, or maybe she just didn't pay attention. But it's still annoying that when she draws an R mark with blood on the ground suddenly everyone cares. But of course, she forgot that this is Kabuki-cho she's talking about. Everyone here is used to this kind of commotion already.
She looked back at her brother who had in the time while she struggled with life and not getting behind bars sooner than she'd want to, sat up and gotten over the pain, to a certain degree.
So had the sadist. And his face was as deadpan as ever. "Good joke there China, I thought you were a real Reaper at first. You know, as you're helping us, you really shouldn't make jokes like that." He smirked at her.
"Fuck off rat face." Was her simple answer. More panic welled up inside her. He had seen it after all! Just how observant is this idiot really? And what was the point of overthinking and reacting when he would be so dumb as to actually buy her little lie? No, he's playing along. He's playing along with it all, damn it.
"Anyway, what did you and that nicotine addict do in our office anyway?" She asked, taking some steps towards him as she observed Sougo's every move to spot any kind of hesitation or flaws in his body language as he talked. "Asking you and your two comrades for help, obviously."
"That's not what I meant you sadist! I meant what the hell did you do when we left, yes? What did you do to Sadaharu?" She snarled after she finally realized that her fateful pet wasn't present at the moment.
'So that's the helpful doggy's name huh?' He stood up from the ground and dusted off his clothes thoroughly. "Now now, no need to growl at me China. Your behavior just now is quite suspicious don't you think? Are there any important documents in there, maybe?"
"How did yo-" she stopped herself when she realized that he obviously didn't know if there were any documents in there, but just asked a shrewd interrogation question. Seriously, damn this man. But she was just as shrewd. If it was a game he wanted, then it's a game he'll get. She kneeled down before him where he currently sat, rubbing his head and grabbed his collar."-you come up with that idea? I just don't like you prying around my stuff, yes! My underwear is in there you know!"
"Ah, you mean those black ones I found on the lower part of the closet? I gotta admit, you're quite daring China girl." Forget being shrewd, he's just a perverted policeman abusing his power! "W-what the!" She stammered "You pervert" Kagura was just about to punch the idiot but got cut short when Kamui threw his umbrella towards Sougo with full force, unfortunately to her dismay, she lessened her hold of his uniform collar and he gracefully managed to dodge Kamui's attack. 'The only thing this man can do gracefully is to dodge, huh?'
Kamui clicked his tongue in sheer frustration but put a smile on his face despite mentioned frustration. "Please do not talk about my dear little sister's underwear like that ever again. Or better yet, don't talk about her underwear again at all." Kamui has had the feeling of killing this sick pervert ever since he first laid eyes on him, but decided to restrain himself until now when this idiot pressed his last buttons without even intending to of course. But yet again, he really doesn't care if he was intending to make him angry or his sister embarrassed, he still reached his tolerance limit. (which by the way isn't that long.) It's just normal to lose it when some sick pervert points out someone else's little sister's underwear so normally. If there is something he really can't tolerate, then that's some unworthy and sick pervert hitting on his sister with such lewd topics. It's simply disgusting. Call him a siscon all you want, he's just making sure she's safe from men like him.
She can stick together with whoever she wants, as long as he has approved of that person. (In other words, no one.)
Despite his enraged state, he still had his calm smile on.
"So China is your little sister huh, didn't see that one coming. And it seems like you have quite the sister complex too." The perverted idiot mocked him. Being a protective brother is not the same thing as being a siscon! He's simply keeping perverts like him away from her, that's all for god's sake. And oh was he gonna feel happy after killing this bastard.
His smile has yet to falter.
"He had a mother complex too until she died, Yes…" He heard Kagura state. His smile faltered for the tiniest second as e punched his sister in the head for her inappropriate comment and gave her a cold look. She seemed to regret what she said as she averted her eyes, avoiding to look him in the eyes. 'As long as she understands.' He thought.
Surprisingly the pervert made no comments about the subject as he expected him to do, but commented on something else. He seemed to be the type who likes to torture people quite a deal like him so of course, he would expect him to push the matter further. But he only stood there and looked blankly at him and thankfully changed the subject, while Kamui still had that unwavering smile on his face. "You never stop smiling, do you, Carrot head?"
He saw Kagura sighing in relief as if thanking him for understanding the mood and for going around with it. He also decided to play along with it as he answered him blankly and coldly. "Of course I do, your smile is the ultimate weapon after all."
"Ooh, trying to be romantic, Carrot?"
His smile faltered into a disgusted expression.
"That's not what he was trying to say…" Kagura retorted angrily in his defense.
He got his smile and composure back after putting those disgusting thoughts which a weak comment like that had managed to give him aside. "Pay him no mind Imouto-dear [4], he's just another pervert after all." Kamui smirked innerly in victory when he saw a vein popping up on the officer's chin. A win for him.
He had only known the man for a span of 10 minutes but already felt a rainbow of happiness each time he got irritated, angry or felt any other sort of negative emotion. "Now, please answer my sister's question thoroughly."
"What irony, me a police officer, getting interrogated instead of interrogating." He stated with a little bit of annoyance in his voice, doing his best as to not show it off completely, he was seriously getting to his edge here with these two siblings. "Anyway, we really didn't do anything improper. Hijikata suspects everyone and everything. He wanted to make sure if we really could trust you guys. We couldn't find anything suspicious so you're off the hook I guess."
Of course, it was all a lie, they are absolutely not off the hook after what he just witnessed. He was actually planning on letting the Yorozuya trio get away and stamped as innocent after some fair amount of arguing with Hijikata. However, after seeing the China girl making a bloody tiny R mark on the ground like the most normal thing in the world, he quickly changed his mind. Their list of reasons to arrest this girl just became longer and longer after each minute he spends with her. 'Does she really want to get behind bars that badly?'
The way she sketched that R seemed purely out of instinct. Not only that, but she is surprisingly strong too. A huge bonus that she's a yato. It's true that not all strong people necessarily need to belong to the Reapers because of their strength like some kind of crazy discount with buy one and get two for free. However, there are a really few numbers of Yato's not belonging to the group though.
That's where you actually can talk about a discount. Find one Yato connected to the Reapers, get 40 more just for free together with the annoying trouble you'll need to write a report about!
The offer was just screaming out to him. And he was not-so-happy about it, to be honest with himself after hours of his adrenaline running around his veins in hopes of an upcoming battle, he hadn't thought this out clearly before now. The Reapers may be heartless to outsiders, but according to information from Yamazaki whose managed to tail four Reapers in three whole days (a new record), they seemed to really care about each other. Taking on one and killing that one person would make the whole group your enemy.
And as lazy as Okita Sougo is, he really doesn't want to write down the paperwork coming up with it as an added bonus, that is if he comes out of the ambush alive. Even if it hurts to admit it, there was no chance he could take down hundreds of strong and angry warriors with around 70 - 80% of them being Yato's.
He got forced out of his thoughts when he forcibly got shaken by his shoulders. "Oi Sadist, you hear me? I don't care about that shit you shit head! I just want to know where Sadaharu is dammit! Be useful for me and tell me where he is, yes!"
Damn, this mission surely would take a while for him to accomplish, especially because of this pig who keeps on pushing his buttons. She may have the looks of a goddess (he couldn't deny that) but at this rate, she sure as hell wasn't gonna make it to his good side. "The doggy is perfectly fine I can reassure you that, he even got some afternoon snack. So calm down China."
He's made up his mind. When the time's right, he has enough information and when he's sure no one's there to witness it, especially not anyone in the Reapers. He was gonna kill this arrogant pig.
And he was gonna love every last second of it. But until then, he had a game to play.
A game of life and death with the China doll. Who will silence the other one first? Will he get enough evidence and kill her first, or will she make an opportunity to kill him before that and live on with her life?
There was quite a long time until he last had a challenge like this, and he saw forward to it. For added effect, he didn't see forward to many things out there.
"Well, I'll take my leave now if you don't mind, see ya." He stood up and walked past Kagura. When he was next to her he stopped for the tiniest of seconds and whispered: "Let the game begin, China."
[1] Bokuto - Japanese wooden sword used for practice. But as we already know, Shinpachi and Gintoki use theirs in battle.
[2] Okāsan - the Japanese word for mom.
[3] Aniki - the Japanese word for brother.
[4]
Imouto-dear - Imouto is the Japanese word for sister and thus it just means "Sister-dear"