Chapter Text
Connor fiddled with his hands as he stood in the kitchen, far too early for anyone else to be awake. Evan wanted to come over today. Evan was coming over today, and Connor didn’t know how to feel about that. Yesterday was fun- it was so nice and cute and Evan was such a dork and he didn’t want to ruin it by having him meet his parents.
The floorboards creaked above him as Cynthia started to stir. Connor ran a hand down his face and started making a pot of coffee. He didn’t like the shit, but he was too tired to not have any. Plus, maybe the simple gesture would make everyone be a little less pissed at him. The shower turned on upstairs, and Connor plugged in his headphones.
He frowned. What was he supposed to say?
Hey parents, so I know I’m a horrible person and you don’t think I have any friends but I do. We made out yesterday and he wants to meet you. So he’s coming over for dinner tonight. Sorry for the late notice! Bye!
Connor laughed. He didn’t know how to do this. Maybe he could just tell Evan that his parents were busy. Granted, Evan knew they wouldn’t be busy. They weren’t any other times in the loop so why would they be now?
He hummed along to his music, hoisting himself to sit on the kitchen counter with his coffee, which had more milk than coffee. He pulled out his phone, tempted to just text Evan that he couldn’t do the whole meet the parents thing. The one flaw in it all- Connor didn’t have Evan’s number.
They never tried to exchange numbers. It never occurred to them really. Or at least, it never occured to Connor. Everything reset- the only thing that didn’t reset was Evan’s cast. Other than that, well, he didn’t know.
Connor felt however he died the morning after, usually only until around ten. Why that took so long when everything else didn’t, Connor had no clue. It was a pain though. He was getting tired of trying to think of new creative ways to off himself and hope they worked. He didn’t really want to do that anymore. Especially when he got the pleasure of waking up with two big bloody scars, bruises the size of Texas or sore backs, depending on his method.
The itching feeling was always there. Connor knew it would always be there, but he liked hanging out with Evan. It was so stupid- Evan was his crutch. That wasn’t good, he knew that. Especially since he barely knew Evan but… Maybe once they got out of this whole loop Connor could try and work on some stuff.
He didn’t want to. He didn’t know how. He just didn’t want Evan to be alone.
“Connor?”
Connor flinched, taking out his headphones as he jumped off of the counter.
“Uh, morning,” he said with a small nod, grabbing his mug and going to walk passed Cynthia. Before he could get through the kitchen doorway, her hand was out in front of him. He grimaced and turned around, returning to his position leaning against the counter.
“What are you doing up so early?” She asked, her hair still up in a towel, as she poured herself some coffee from the pot.
“Couldn’t sleep,” Connor said. He bit the inside of his cheek and looked down at the coffee. If they hated Evan, they wouldn’t remember tomorrow. If they hated him for being gay, the wouldn’t know tomorrow.
Granted, they already hated him for enough reasons. His sexualty could just be another cherry on top of the cake.
“Nervous about the first day?” Cynthia asked.
“Something like that,” Connor muttered, pouring the rest of his coffee down the drain.
“Care to talk about it,” Cynthia said. Connor sighed and shook his head.
“Nope,” he said casually. He forced a small smile, before once again making a break to leave the kitchen.
“Connor don’t you dare think about it,” Cynthia warned. Connor huffed and turned around once more, leaning against the doorframe of the kitchen.
“What?” Connor asked.
“I just want you to talk to me,” Cynthia said. “What’s got you up so early?”
Connor shook his head, looking down at his hands. He sighed.
“I’ll… talk when La- Dad’s up,” Connor said, before once again turning to leave.
This time she didn’t stop him, instead told him she was holding you to it and Connor was off.
He stepped outside on the back porch, instinctively grabbing the pack of smokes Larry hid under the flower pot and lighting one. He sat down on the back step and rested his head against the railing.
Connor sighed, closing his eyes.
He just wanted today to be over. Both the next twenty four hours, and September Third. Tonight was going to be a disaster. He knew it. Everything was a disaster when it came to Connor.
Yesterday wasn’t a disaster. Yesterday was nice. Connor just wished those stupid matching bracelets had stayed. Actually well, he didn’t check if his was still in the car or not. He probably should have brought it inside, but he didn’t. Not that it really mattered anyways.
He sighed, opening his eyes again.
He just wanted this loop to be over and done with. One way or another. He was tired of being tired and dealing with everything but nothing all at once. Now though, he didn’t even know what everything was. Ask him three or four days ago, he would just simply say living. He was done with that. He thought he was.
Still, his mind was going back to how irrational it was. He couldn’t want to die one day and not the next. All because of a boy. A charming, sweet, adorable boy who for some reason was reliving this stupid thing with him. Not that Connor was complaining. Connor probably wouldn’t complain too much about Evan being around.
He felt like a broken record. All he could think about was Evan and what Evan was doing and whether or not Evan slept after they triggered the restart by falling asleep. Evan was consuming his thoughts at an unhealthy rate.
But thinking of Evan kept other things off of his mind. If he could keep those things off of his mind, everything would be okay. Well it wouldn’t, but Connor could pretend for a while. Maybe if Connor just pretended it was true, it would become true.
That would be the dream. A dream so far out of reach Connor couldn’t even see it. Unless he got high. Sometimes getting high made his mind feel clearer. He knew that wasn’t how it worked but again. He could pretend.
The soft tapping on a window brought Connor from his thoughts. He turned around to see Cynthia waving him inside. He was hoping maybe she’d just forget he promised to tell her something once Larry was up but… apparently not.
He put out the cigarette on the cement of the porch, before getting up.
“You know I don’t like you smoking Connor,” Cynthia said as he walked in the door.
“Not like you can stop me,” he replied with a small shrug.
“Well I wish you would,” she sighed. Connor rolled his eyes.
“Well I wish you got off my back,” Connor remarked, storming passed her to get to the kitchen.
“We’re not finished talking about this,” Cynthia said as she followed him to the table. “You wanted to tell us something?” She changed the subject before Connor could say anything more.
Larry looked up from his coffee, while Zoe muttered something Connor didn’t quite catch but just knew it was something along the lines of oh god. Connor huffed, before he leaned against the wall.
“It’s nothing,” he dismissed. He made up his mind- Evan wasn’t coming tonight.
“Well it was something half an hour ago,” Cynthia said.
“He was probably just going to tell you he’s dropping out of school,” Zoe remarked. Connor scoffed and rolled his eyes once again.
“Fuck you,” he snapped.
“Fuck you!” She snapped back without hesitation, turning her entire chair just to be able to look Connor dead in the eye. He didn’t break his gaze with her, and neither did she.
“Zoe don’t go antagonizing your brother. He doesn’t need that on the first day-”
“I have a friend coming over after school,” Connor said, directing it to Cynthia but his gaze was still pinned on Zoe.
Zoe snorted, finally breaking their gaze as she hid her face with her hand, bending over as she tried to suppress her laughter. Larry just stared at him with wide eyes, while Cynthia just smiled softly.
“Jesus it’s not that big of a deal,” Connor muttered.
“Who wants to hang out with you?” Zoe asked.
“Evan Hansen,” Connor replied, crossing his arms over his chest.
“Evan Hansen wants to hang out with you? Geez that kid can barely hold a conversation,” Zoe remarked. Connor shook his head.
“Yeah well I like him enough to be dating him,” Connor said, the words not registering in his brain.
“You’re dating Evan Hansen?” Zoe asked.
“Who’s Evan?” Cynthia asked.
“His boyfriend, clearly,” Zoe said smugly.
“Well yes I realize that-”
“So Connor’s gay?” Larry asked.
“Yes I’m gay jesus I didn’t think it was that subtle,” Connor said.
“Even I know he’s gay and I avoid him at all cost,” Zoe said.
“Wait so Evan is coming over tonight?” Cynthia asked, shutting everyone up.
“Yes,” Connor said.
“Oh honey this is wonderful! I didn’t know you had a friend,” Cynthia said.
“A boyfriend,” Zoe corrected.
“Oh my god…” Connor muttered.
“How come we never heard about him?” Cynthia asked.
“You never asked about him,” Connor said.
“Well I never knew he existed,” Cynthia replied. “Zoe did you know about this?”
“The only time I’ve seen the two together was when Connor shoved him,” Zoe said. Connor furrowed his eyebrows as he looked at her. That never happened. Not outside of the loop, anyways.
“You shoved him?” Cynthia asked, her mouth agape.
“It was before we were dating. Just a misunderstanding. My point is! He’s coming tonight. He wants to meet you,” Connor said, brushing off Zoe’s stupid and baffling comment. He never shoved Evan- he did. On the first, first day of school.
Maybe it was something like what was happening with Jared. Jared made that comment about having deja vu with Connor and Evan just being a couple and well… it made sense if Zoe started to remember things too.
“Well that’s a shame,” Zoe commented. “Granted he’s already met the worse of the family.”
“You better mean you,” Connor snapped. Zoe laughed bitterly.
“Oh yeah. I totally didn’t mean you,” she said sarcastically.
Connor rolled his eyes and shook his head. Without a word, because he knew if he did it would start a screaming contest, Connor grabbed his things and made his way outside to the car. He started it and just waited for Zoe to come out so he could drive the two.
He tapped his fingers on the steering wheel as he waited, humming to the song as he gazed around his car.
Eventually his eyes landed on the cup holders in the middle of the car and Connor felt his heart skip a beat. With hesitant hands, he reached out and grabbed what he thought was- and turned out to be, the player one bracelet. He furrowed his eyebrows as he turned it in his hand. It stayed.
But the date did too.
He glanced up as Zoe was leaving the front door, putting her bag over her shoulder.
Connor glanced down at the bracelet again, before up to Zoe.
Without even thinking about it, Connor started the car and pulled out of the driveway before Zoe could even get close to it. He went off down the road as fast as he could, just catching Zoe throw her hands up in anger behind him as she stood on the porch.
Connor cracked a small smile, and all it did was grow as he moved to Evan’s house.
He shut off the car in a stumbled haze as he slipped the bracelet on his wrist. God he could just cry right now! It stayed, which could mean anything, but it stayed .
Without thinking about what was going on on the other side of the door, Connor started to violently knocking on the door, just waiting for Evan to open up.
Connor pulled his hand down as Evan opened the door. Clearly the other had just woken up, but that thought was quickly put to the back of his mind as he smiled, just looking at Evan. He did the first thing he could think of, and lunged forward, kissing Evan as hard as he could because fuck the stupid bracelet stayed! The money didn’t- he didn’t even think to check his wallet.
“Fuck Evan this is amazing,” Connor said excitedly as he pulled away. Evan raised an eyebrow as he head shifted to the side.
“What is?” Evan asked.
Connor pulled his left arm away to show the player one bracelet still wrapped around his wrist. Evan looked down at the bracelet and then to Connor, who was practically shaking with excitement.
“It…”
“It stayed, yeah,” Connor said.
“The day-”
“No. It’s still September third but… it stayed ,” Connor said. “Did yours?”
“Why can’t you get it through your thick skull? They love you!” Evan yelled. Connor stood, frozen as Evan yelled at him. Everything was fine and then his stupid family had to go and talk to Evan and now everything was just fucked up.
“Why can’t you see that? This entire week- since this started, I’ve learned to look past the shitty things Jared’s done because yeah- he’s kinda a dick, but he’s trying. I know he cares about me and I know he means well, so I fucking forgive him! Alana was kind of annoying when I- when I met her, but now, looking on her side of things, she is just as lonely and just as desperate for friends as I am! Since this whole experience started I’ve grown . I’ve looked past the shitty things about people and I look at them as a whole, because that’s what they are. They’re a person, with layers and personality and a reason to be forgiven!” Evan yelled.
“If I can grow and look passed these things, why can’t you?”
“Because,” Connor started. He didn’t have an answer. He didn’t know why he was so reluctant to change.
“Because?” Evan echoed. Connor swallowed, furrowing his eyebrows.
“My parents don’t have any reason to be forgiven! No one does because they don’t care about me! They’re horrible people!” Connor said. That wasn’t true. Connor knew- he didn’t like them, but clearly that was just a stupid bias. Whatever conversation Cynthia and Evan had before this stupid argument probably was true. Was probably healthy and Connor hated to think that.
In his eyes, his parents were just straight up monsters.
Evan rolled his eyes.
“So what does that make you, huh? What does that make you Connor? Because I’m looking at both sides of the story, and just by the little bit I saw of you at the dining table, you treat them like shit and you deserve to be treated that way if you do,” Evan snapped.
“That’s not fucking fair!”
“It is! You’re not flawless and neither are they. So, until you learn to look back fucking flaws and see them as your family, don’t bother talking to me,” Evan said bitterly. “I need someone who is willing to put in the effort to repair things that are broken, and clearly you’re not.”
Connor was shaking now because no no no no he wasn’t losing Evan. Not this early into whatever they had. He couldn’t lose Evan.
He couldn’t lose his one reason to want to stay alive.
“So what? It’s over? It’s over before it’s even begun?” Connor asked, his bottom lip quivering. He knew it was stupid to rely so heavily on Evan. Here he was- wanting to get away from Connor only days after deciding he wanted to be with him. Connor couldn’t blame him either. Evan was right. He just a fucking monster. A horrible, unforgivable, horrible-
“No. I don’t want to lose you Connor, I don’t. You’re my player one… but… You need to grow up,” Evan said.
“Evan…”
“I’m going home. If you care about me at all, you’ll uh, you’ll talk to your family and try to fix what’s broken,” Evan said.
“How are you getting home?” Connor asked, desperate to try and just get Evan to stay.
“I have a bus pass.”
And with that Evan stormed off, and Connor stood frozen, his thoughts racing a thousands miles a minute.
It wasn’t until he heard the front door slam that Connor finally moved. He shook his head, before punching the air like an idiot, before he sat down on the bed.
“ Fuck!” Connor yelled, grabbing at the roots of his hair. That was once fucking way to ruin your entire life in two seconds.
“That lasted long,” Zoe said sarcastically as she passed.
‘Fuck off Zoe!” Connor shouted, bolting up to the door. She cocked her hip to the side.
“What, Evan have a wittle opinion that you didn’t agree with so you chased him off?” she mocked, probably having heard it all. Connor clenched his jaw, shaking his head.
“Listen- just. Fucking leave me alone ,” Connor said desperately, wanting to cry like an idiot. Zoe shook her head. “We argued because he was right. I know he’s right, so fuck off. I know you heard it all,” Connor said, before slamming the door in her face.
He muttered incoherently as he sat down on his bed.
Whether or not Connor actually knew Evan was right, he didn’t know. He knew he was in the wrong too though. That was the worst part.
Despite all the stupid urges swimming in his head, Connor just swallowed him, before he laid down on his bed. Just because things didn’t happen the way he wanted them to didn’t mean it was a reason for him to decide just to kill himself.
He needed to fix all this shit. He didn’t know how, but he knew he needed to.
In order to fix shit, he needed to be alive.
Not like he could kill himself anyways.
The next morning, Connor was quiet. He knew no on remembered any of the events from last night. Still, he treated them as if they did. He slowly and hesitantly made his way downstairs after having gotten ready. At this point, everyone had settled into the kitchen, just like the very first day.
He offered a small smile to Zoe, who was engrossed in her phone. He was tired and scared- mostly because he had accepted the fact that. Yes. Connor was actually a really horrible person to his family. His family might not have been any better, but if he was a bit more decent to them they might return it.
He passed them all silently and grabbed an orange from the fruit basket.
“Connor are you okay?” Cynthia asked. Connor offered a small smile, before going back to his orange.
“Not really,” he said honestly, trying to use the tone he normally used with Evan. Not bitter just… pleasant. In the subtlest way possible. “I uh… just kind of dreading the day.”
“Well, I’m sure it won’t be that bad,” she said softly. Connor nodded.
“Yeah I just… had an argument with a- a friend,” he said, stumbling over his words. He didn’t want them to know about Evan if Connor didn’t even know what was going on. “I don’t really want to see him today,” he laughed lightly.
“You have a friend?” Cynthia and Zoe asked at the same time, Cynthia’s tone a lot softer than Zoe’s.
“Yeah, well, had ,” Connor said with another dull chuckle. “Evan Hansen?”
“You’re friends with Evan Hansen? But that kid’s a-”
“Zo, please… I really don’t want to deal with that today,” Connor said.
“Whatever,” she muttered, going back to her phone.
“Well, I’m sure you and Evan? Evan can patch things up,” Cynthia said.
“Yeah like he’s able to patch things up with us?” Zoe asked. Connor stayed silent, tossing the peeled orange in his hand as he just waited for the ridicule.
“Zoe I’m trying my best to be a decent person right now,” Connor said.
“Yeah but come tonight you’ll be back to your normal self,” Zoe said. Connor rolled his eyes, shaking his head lightly.
“I don’t want to be,” Connor said.
“But we all know it’s going to happen,” Zoe said.
“I don’t want it to happen!” Connor raised his voice, finally looking up to face Zoe. “It would help if maybe you didn’t poke me like a fucking science project!”
Zoe shook her head, laughing bitterly once again as she opened her mouth to speak, thankful for Cynthia to shut her up.
“Zoe please! He said it himself- he’s trying not to start an argument,” Cynthia said. Connor looked at her with a small smile, which quickly faded.
“He’s either high or he wants something- I hope you know that,” Zoe warned, getting up from the table. “If Connor isn’t ready in ten minutes I’m leaving without him.”
“I’m ready,” Connor said, following Zoe to the front door.
“Yeah sure you are,” Zoe said. “You’re never ready for anything.”
“I am for some things,” Connor snapped back.
“Oh yeah, like what?”
Connor hesitated, trying to think of something to come to mind.
Connor let Zoe drive, plugging in his headphones to try and minimize the arguing between the two. It wasn’t until they got closer to the school that he dared to take them out, his gaze still going through the open window.
“What did you pay Evan?” Zoe asked.
“What?” Connor snapped, looking over to her.
“How much are you paying Evan to be your friend?” Zoe asked.
Connor scoffed and shook his head.
“Nothing. We’re just friends,” Connor said.
“I don’t believe that.”
“Can’t you just trust me?” Connor asked.
“Yeah last time I did that you nearly killed us both,” Zoe said sarcastically. “And the time before that, and the time before that you fucking overdosed on a bottle of pills.”
Connor sucked in his breath as his body tensed up.
“It was a mistake,” Connor said quietly. “It was all a mistake…”
“Fuck yeah it was a mistake. Scarred me for life. I can’t open the bathroom door anymore without knowing where you are in the house,” Zoe snapped. Connor went silent, picking at the skin around his thumb.
“I’m sorry Zoe,” Connor said.
“You’re sorry?” she asked as she parked the car.
“Yes! I’m sorry for… scaring you. For overdosing and trying to kill myself and only ever taking into account what you guys were doing to me- not what I was doing to you,” Connor said, not daring to look up at Zoe. It wasn’t like she’d believe him anyways.
“I’ll believe it when I see it,” Zoe said as she unbuckled. Connor grabbed her arm as she tried to leave the car, pulling her back in.
“It would help if maybe you didn’t attack me when I try to show it,” Connor said hesitantly.
“I don’t attack you,” she said.
“Well, uh, you did this morning… I really want to try,” Connor said.
“Okay,” Zoe said. “Alright. You do your half, I’ll do mine.”
“Be patient with me?” Connor asked. Zoe grimaced.
“Yeah I can try.” Zoe seemed hesitant to agree to this deal. If they weren’t about to part ways to go into the school, Connor knew it would just spark up in an argument again.
While Zoe could say she’d try, they both knew Connor would probably break his end of the promise. Not that Zoe would remember any of this come the morning. Still, she still held this bitterness with her as she went to get out of the car again.
“Thank you.”
They both got out of the car, and Zoe went on ahead of Connor to meet up with her friends. Connor sighed softly as he followed behind, his eyes quickly landing on Evan.
Evan was clearly pissed off at him still as they spoke. Connor couldn’t blame him. The entire time Connor continued to just talk down his family, despite the fact that he knew Evan was right. He wanted to tell Evan he was right, but of course none of the words formed properly in his mouth and he just dug himself into a deeper hole.
Still, he wanted to try and make things right.
Connor decided then and there that for today, he’d try to avoid any conflict.
Of course, the minute he saw Jared and Evan’s conversation play out, while he couldn’t hear it, he broke that promise.
“The fuck did you say to Evan?” Connor snapped as he approached Jared. Clearly, it was neither Evan nor Connor’s day today.
“I didn’t say anything mean I swear! He just… is in a weird mood. I don't- he was all angry when I walked up,” Jared said, dismissing Connor’s hostile advantages.
“Clearly he stormed off a lot more upset than when you approached him,” Connor pointed out, crossing his arms over his chest.
“Why do you care so much about him anyways?” Jared said.
“Because- why do you?” Connor shot back.
“That wasn’t my question,” Jared replied. Connor shook his head.
“Look, Evan and I are a thing okay? We- might be! I don’t know- all I know is you upset him more than you make him happy and you need to lay off,” Connor said. All of which was a lie. He didn’t know if that was actually the case. He just knew from the little glimpses he got during the loop.
“Dude, like I said, he came up to me crazy pissed. If you care so much talk to him yourself,” Jared dismissed.
Connor could have carried out an argument then and there, but decided it really wasn’t his place to do that. So instead, he stiffly nodded before leaving.
Connor tied his hair up halfway through second period, making a mental note to just cut it all off since it was such a pain to deal with. He knew he probably wouldn't do it, but fuck he kind of wanted to.
When lunch came around, Connor debated whether or not he wanted to go to the computer lab. He knew Evan was going to be there- where else would he go? Connor sighed as his feet started bringing him towards where he knew Evan was going to be.
Evan was rambling to himself, sitting at one of the computers. He was typing words, but there was no ways they reflected what was coming out of his mouth.
“-He doesn't want me, he only knows I exist because we're living this loop together. Once we get out of it, if we get out of it, Connor will be gone. And I'll be alone once again. Maybe I'll just follow Connor. That would probably be easier. I wish I could just lead myself, but like I’m capable of that,”
Connor slowly walked in, not wanting to stop the other. He wanted to hear what Evan had to say. Even if he had clearly missed the first half of the letter he was writing to himself.
“I just… want this all to be done. For all of this drama to be done… I want to see tomorrow. Not like, symbolically like I want to live to see tomorrow but a, like uh, I want it to be tomorrow so I know what’s done will be done… Like, god that doesn’t make any sense. None of this makes any sense anyways. It doesn’t matter, nothing matters.
“I just went full circle…” he laughed. “I felt like nothing I did mattered, then I met Connor and something happened, but I’m back to where I was. Nothing I do matters… nothing I say, nothing I do, nothing I think . If I were to disappear tomorrow, no one would notice.”.
“No one would notice because there is no tomorrow,” Evan sighed before he shutdown the computer. Connor felt his heart break into a million pieces.
“I’d care,”Connor said hesitantly, clearing his throat. Evan jumped, before turning around.
“You heard that?” Evan asked. Connor closed his eyes and nodded slowly.
“Every bit of it,” Connor said.
“I’m sorry,” Evan said. “I-I I just… I shouldn’t have- last night… it was, I shouldn’t… I don’t know and I just- earlier today I just-”
“Evan you’re right,” Connor said. It felt so good to just admit that.
“I- what?”
“You were right. I… My parents are assholes, but I’m one too and- well, the main reason they are is because I don’t treat them like my parents. I need to change, and it’s the thing that will help me get better and fix- or, try to repair the years of damage my family has gone through,” Connor said. “I’ll admit, I was pissed when you said that shit last night but… you were so right .”
“Why bother fixing it if you’re just uh, just… going to… to…” Evan muttered.
“I don’t,” Connor said.
“You…”
“I want to see tomorrow. I want to get better- to try and fix my relationship with my parents and Zoe and… I want to be with you… Which is crazy, and I get it this relationship is all so new but, I do… I want to see where this everything takes me,” Connor said. “I’ve still got issues, and I’ve still got those thoughts- they’re not going away over night - but everything is looking up now and…”
He shrugged and Evan smiled softly.
“That’s… that’s really good,” Evan said.
“I’m- yeah,” Connor said. “I’m sorry for getting so pissed last night- at you, at my parents.”
“It was a uh, two person effort,” Evan said. They both exchanged a small chuckle.
“So we’re okay?” Evan said.
“Our relationship is… yes but- are you?” Connor said. Evan looked down.
“No… I just… need to get out of this… whole situation,” Evan said. “I need the day to change- I need to be able to make progress I just… can’t take this anymore.”
“Come here.”
Evan stood up and wrapped his arms around Connor’s waist, resting his head on Connor’s shoulder. Connor ran his hand down Evan’s back and kissed his forehead. This felt far from perfect. He knew this entire situation was flawed but… it was okay. They were okay. For now.
Connor fell asleep in Evan’s bed that night, and he hadn’t slept that well since the whole thing started. He hated knowing that when he woke up he’d be in his own bed, especially after how the day happened, but at least he could just enjoy it before he woke up.
Of course, then he actually woke up in Evan’s bed and it turned out that the day didn’t move on. Which honestly, was kind of okay for Connor. The day definitely wasn’t the worst for him. Evan on the other hand, well Connor noticed him nearly spiraling into a panic attack.
“Let’s just stay here,” Connor said, leaning in to kiss Evan once the two had calmed down. Everything had kind of register in both their brains at this point.
Evan playfully pushed the other away. When Connor moved back to hovering over him, Evan brushed his hair behind his ear.
“It’s not a repeat anymore,” Evan said. “We kind of have to go.”
Connor sighed and rolled off of Evan’s lap, landing beside him on the bed. Evan flopped his head over to the one side and put his cast on his chest.
“Okay this actually kind of sucks,” Connor laughed. Evan chuckled and shook his head.
“That’s what I’ve been telling you,” Evan said.
There was a brief pause.
“You could always just come over after school… it’s not like anyone will be home,” Evan pointed out. Connor made a small agreement sound.
“I just-”
Connor’s phone started ringing. He sighed and looked at the contact, before answering the phone, sitting up on the bed.
Connor sat, dumbfounded as a worried Zoe was rambling into the receiver.
“ Where the fuck have you been? I- we’ve all been stressing about you the entire night and we didn’t know what could have happened to you- ”
“I’m fine, okay!”
“ -And I fucking thought you went and killed yourself! ”
“No Zoe I didn’t- why would you think -”
“ I don’t know! Just the way you talked to me yesterday, I thought maybe that was like- your goodbye or something! ”
“No-”
“ - Oh and don’t get me started on mom- ”
“- I… I know I’m sorry-” Connor choked out. Zoe paused briefly on the other side of the phone.
“ You’re sorry ?”
“Yes of course I’m sorry! I really am, yes-”
“ Where are you? ”
“I’m uh, at Evan’s”
“ Evan Hansen? ”
“Yes Evan Hansen’s”
“Right! Didn’t you say you were dating him ?”
“Oh my god Zoe, do you need to know everything?”
“ Considering I thought you killed yourself? Yeah I do .”
Connor glanced at Evan before sighing.
“We’re dating, yes”
“So you thought he was more important than checking in with us? ”
“I fell asleep here by mistake-”
“ Yeah well I mean, that would have been nice to know, considering you took your fucking pills with you-”
“My- my pills? What ? Well, yes I uh, yes I have them”
Connor felt around in his pockets to find the empty pill container in his pocket. He didn’t remember grabbing that yesterday.
“We thought you fucking offed yourself Connor,” Zoe snapped him back into the present. “We looked for you all night! We tried the park and- and anywhere we could think to find you!”
“I didn’t know you were going to think that of all things.”
“ Yeah well I did and you worried all of us to death. ”
Connor’s face fell.
“Zoe I’m so sorry… I didn’t know!”
“Please tell me you’re coming home tonight. Mom wants to talk to you. ”
“Yes, yes I’ll be home right after school.”
“Good. ”
“Tell Mom and Dad I’m okay”
“And you’ll be okay? ”
“I’ll be okay… I just….” Connor trailed off, repeating her words.
“ You better fucking be ”
“Yes Zoe… yes…”
“I care about you a lot Connor. I don’t show it- I get it, and we both fucking suck but I care about you and… I just want my brother back. And uh, I’m willing to hold up my end of the bargain if you are .”
“I care about you too… Yeah I’ll uh, I’ll see you at school… bye…”
Connor felt his stomach sink as all the words just processed in his brain. He was so stupid- so dumb to think… and he didn’t even take the pill bottle yesterday, but it was completely empty? That made him wonder if everything else left a lasting impact. His pills were gone- he had taken them on the first night. He just never noticed they were gone… until now and-
“That sounded like it went okay,” Evan said softly. Connor shook his head.
“They thought I killed myself,” Connor said. “I… they checked the park I tried… on the first night… almost as if they knew where I was going to be… I never mentioned that park to them at all... I had them up all night … I can’t believe…”
Evan offered a small smile, taking his hand and giving it a soft squeeze.
“Why are you always right?” Connor asked.
“Hmm?”
“Just… I killed myself every single time, thinking that not one of them would care whether or not I woke up tomorrow- well, today… and now that the day has moved on… just hearing Zoe… she sounded genuinely worried and my parents… just the way she talk about them,” Connor said, shivering at the end.
“They love you Connor,” Evan said softly.
“I’m going to make it right,” Connor said. “Fix all of this mess I’ve created. I didn’t mean it at first but… I’ve gone missing several times, just cause I didn’t want to be home and this was the first time they thought I tried to kill myself.” Connor ran a hand through his hair.
“I must have seriously fucked something up recently to make them think that…” Connor muttered.
Evan hesitated and glanced at the clock.
“Maybe… they have the memories of every day? Like uh, suppressed… memories that kind of bring forward deja vu? That was happening a couple days ago with Jared and Alana… they were remembering things from previous loops but uh, dismissed it as deja vu or as something I told them last year… Maybe that’s what happened,” Evan said. Connor hesitated, then nodded.
“Maybe…” he said.
All he knew was that he was going to make whatever he could right. He would try as hard as he could. No matter what it took.
He could try. He was going to fail- he knew that, but he could try.