Chapter Text
Do you know how much a soul weighs?
There’s really no scientific explanation or proof about this, and most people would say that it is impossible to measure such thing because a soul is not a matter and it doesn’t contain any measurable elements. And Ong Seongwoo thought the same, besides, why would people want to know the weight of something that is supposed to be infinite?
Until a certain male with name Kang Daniel came into the frame.
It’s ridiculous, because even Seongwoo never questioned it before, but the way Daniel’s eyes beamed at his own curiosity melts Seongwoo – or anyone, honestly. “How much do you think out soul weigh, hyung?” He also remembers Daniel answering his own question. “A surgeon did an experiment and he concluded that it weighs twenty-one grams.”
Seongwoo shrugged it off too immediately because it sounded so silly.
“How do you exactly measure a soul, Daniel?” Seongwoo laughed.
“I don’t know exactly how either, but you can try to do it to me and see whether it’s really twenty-one grams or not.” Daniel grinned nonchalantly. “Besides, the way I see is more like, it doesn’t really matter how much weight your soul is, you know.”
Maybe Seongwoo should’ve done this earlier but it’s better now than never. So he takes a piece of paper and grabs his pen – he needs to list.
Dear Daniel,
It sounds so awkward, because Seongwoo never writes a letter to Daniel ever before.
First of all, thank you for existing. The first gram of your soul, I dedicate it to your existence.
Seongwoo thinks it is a great starter, but he quickly losing his mind – he only got twenty grams to go.
Your existence has brought me an enormous happiness, like a lot that you won’t even believe me, Daniel. I have never said it to you, but I guess you are a kind of blessing that I have always waited for, but never know I needed it so much until you came.
Seongwoo hates being cheesy, because it’s actually on Daniel’s job desk.
The second gram is for your eyes, because they are so pretty, Daniel, you trapped people inside them.
Daniel always have the kind of eyes that are always beaming, like it doesn’t fucking matter how harsh the world is to him, he always gets that kind of gaze that could warm the whole room – they are enchanting and Seongwoo would never forget about them.
The third until the seventh grams are for these things with the following order: your lips, your smile, your laugh, you stupid cheesy words and your kiss.
Seongwoo contemplates to erase the word stupid, but whatever, Daniel deserves it sometimes.
I want to talk more about your smile and your laugh, Daniel, because they are literally my favorite things in the world. How does someone’s smile resemble sunlight? Nobody knows but yours does. And I know this because when you start to laugh, it feels like the sun itself is basking me with its warm comfort. Trust me, Daniel, if I could show the world how those two things changed my life then I would – but maybe not.
Seongwoo snorted to himself.
Because then the whole world will fall in love with you too.
Seongwoo stopped writing for a while – he needs an air. Maybe writing is really not his virtue after all because this is by far, the shittiest letter that Daniel would have ever gotten from someone.
You taste like strawberry cheesecake most of the times, but nonetheless, your kisses always managed to bring me to cloud nine.
That’s it. This would be the last time Seongwoo is writing a letter.
The eight, ninth and tenth grams of your soul, is for your hands, your skin and your whole body.
Your hands are always so big compared to mine, but yet it so soft and gentle against my rough and clumsy hand. It made me feel small even though I am the older one, yet it feels so right whenever you intertwined your fingers with mine.
Never let go of my hands, Daniel.
Seongwoo smiles for the first time since he starts writing the letter.
I would want to give your body a credit though because it must be so tiring to contain a heart inside that is even bigger than your already-huge body. Even after everything, even after your body is slowly changing, your heart never changes and that’s why the next whole gram is dedicated to your heart.
Seongwoo thinks about it again – his heart deserves at least five billion grams, but Seongwoo has so many things to talk about.
I guess I have never seen a heart brighter than yours. That statement makes no sense but I couldn’t put it in a better word. I’m sorry, Daniel, this is supposed to be your job!
Seongwoo believes Daniel would appreciate his small complain – Daniel must’ve missed it, right?
You know, for someone who appears a lot like a storm, you hold so much calmness inside your heart, which is probably why you can get through everything. Maybe that’s why after everything, your serenity still lingers.
Seongwoo decides that his heart worth at least five grams right then – no, one gram is just not enough.
I’m giving you the whole five grams for just your heart, it deserves billions though, but I only have twenty-one grams. And now I have six more grams.
Seongwoo scrunched his nose – six grams is not much.
The sixteenth gram is for your passion for the world. It’s like watching a movie and you are the ever-curious main character, you make the whole world your world, Daniel, and I think it’s magical. I think the way you yearn to see everything and give a place for everything inside your mind, is truly inspiring.
Never change, Daniel, please stay the same.
Seongwoo paused for the second time because it feels weird – every word is weird and feels unfitting to be written. What was Seongwoo thinking though? He could never do this, and he shouldn’t have started.
The seventeenth gram is dedicated for your positivity. Never lose your light, Daniel.
Seongwoo decided to shorten the message just because he cannot bear to write any longer.
The eighteenth gram is for the endless dreams you have, and for believing the possibilities to achieve each one of them. Never give up, Daniel.
Seongwoo feels numb and suddenly everything is spinning around.
The nineteenth gram is for the way you cheer people up and your goal to make everyone happy.
Daniel didn’t make everyone happy obviously, but he makes Seongwoo happy – happiest he had ever been, really.
The twentieth gram is for the love you have given to me, all of it, every inch of it. I will eternally be thankful for what you have done for me.
Seongwoo put down the letter along with a dandelion in front of a cold stone before taking a step back to simply look at it. It has been a week, and Seongwoo swears that the pain will last for a very, very long time. He hopes Daniel could read the letter that he dully wrote from above. Please do, I want you to know all those things.
Seongwoo first met Daniel when his father brought home the male a year ago. He said that Daniel is a special friend and needed to stay with them.
Daniel must be very sick if his father brought a patient to their home.
“He gets three months, Seongwoo, so be nice to him,” His father said with a broken smile, maybe he does really like Daniel. “He is a really nice kid, and he hates the hospital, and he will be safer here if his condition drop or something since I will be here mostly.” Seongwoo only figures out later that Daniel didn’t want to let his family down by leaving them.
Seongwoo doesn’t really care at first, but Daniel is way too happy for someone who is dying.
“Everyone dies, the difference is just that they can predict when will my time come, and that they managed to number the days I have left, that’s all.” Daniel would say, as if it isn’t serious at all.
Seongwoo hates it because he was supposed to be the one who makes it easier for Daniel – to be his friend, at the very least – but Daniel is actually the one who saved him. The male made him feels the things he never experienced before, and laugh at the most uncanny things ever, appreciate the little things in life, and well, writing a letter.
“Besides, the way I see is more like, it doesn’t really matter how much weight your soul is, you know, but the way you fill those twenty-one grams is the one that matters.” Daniel smiled, just three weeks before he lost his battle with his failing heart. Tragic, Seongwoo knows, the person with the biggest heart is actually the one whose heart is malfunctioning.
Daniel managed to extend three months into a year, and on his final breath he thanked Seongwoo for it – Seongwoo doesn’t think he deserves it, that he doesn’t deserve Daniel, the very own Kang Daniel who wishes him to be always happy wherever and whenever.
He hopes that Daniel knows that he loves him, and goodness, Daniel knows, just like the first time, always.
I weighed you like you asked me, you know, just so because I can prove you that you are not worth just twenty-one grams. And you know what? I was right. You lost a little over thirty grams the moment you went away – and that supposed to be your soul, right?
Daniel, there is just no way a person could determine a weigh of a soul, because your soul worth more than just twenty-one grams. You worth the entire universe.
I know this letter is very far from perfect, and I’m sorry, you deserve a better letter, maybe next time.
So, this is for the final gram and I dedicated it for a hundred, thousand, millions, billions grams more that you are made of. I hope you are happy wherever you are.
Love, Seongwoo.