Chapter Text
Ellana ran her hand through her hair. This was by far the stupidest idea she'd had in a long time. Having the man who held her heart stay with her while the man that broke it healed her? What was she thinking? Clearly, the pain had pushed her through into insanity and she hadn't noticed in time.
The situation was only made worse as Solas needed to see the extent of the damage to her legs. The rest of the group had stopped for lunch a way ahead, giving them time and a little privacy. They brought a cot for her to sit on, and a blanket. She removed her trousers and wrapped the blanket around while they looked away, sitting down with her legs out along the cot and clearing her throat to let them know she was ready...or as ready as she could be.
Solas knelt down beside her, his expression calm and neutral as always. He slowly moved the blanket up her legs until it was bundled near the tops of her thighs, his face growing angrier and angrier with each bandage he pulled away. "You should have brought her to me immediately after it happened," he growled.
Ellana had to bite her lip to stop the giggle at Cullen's face at the comment.
"Me? How is this my fault?" he demanded.
Solas turned to glare at him for a moment. "One of your soldiers has their legs nearly burned off and you thought what? The apostate mage is still too risky to help save her legs before they need to be amputated?"
Colour drained from her face. She hadn't realized quite how severe the problem was, that that could have been a possibility.
Cullen stared at Solas incredulously. "She's not one of my soldiers, she's one of Leliana's agents," he spat back. "I've been doing my damndest to keep her alive for the last three days so I'd appreciate it if you could do your small part of helping to heal her legs."
"Yes, such a small part to completely reconstruct a woman's legs," Solas retorted.
This was becoming a pissing contest. She'd known the two had never become friendly, but this was ridiculous. "Alright, the pair of you. You've both done a lot, but could we please get a move on so I can get my trousers back on?" That struck the mark as both men turned crimson.
Cullen turned slightly, rubbing the back of his neck while Solas took a deep breath, his face becoming composed once more. "This may hurt a little. You must relax, do not fight against the magic or it cannot work," he told her, placing his hands on her knees and she saw the familiar healing light pool there and into her.
She gasped. His magic was too familiar, too personal, too connected to everything that happened before.
They're in Haven. Before it was destroyed. "It seems you hold the key to our salvation. You had sealed it with a gesture...and right then, I felt the whole world change," Solas said gently.
"Felt the whole world change?" she asked, feeling butterflies in her stomach.
"A figure of speech."
She smiled, taking a step closer. "I'm aware of the metaphor. I'm more interested in "felt"."
"You change...everything." The sheer honesty in his words made her heart race.
"Sweet talker," she said, grasping at her courage and moving to kiss him. He pulled away quickly and she thought maybe she'd misread everything, pulling away, wanting distance to try clear her head. She'd barely taken a step when he pulled her back, kissing her so thoroughly her head was spinning.
The scene dissolved and she was standing on her balcony in Skyhold. A longing to be back there pulled at her stomach.
"Perhaps that is it. I suppose it must be. Most people act with little understanding of the world," he told her, pausing for a moment before adding, "But not you."
"So what does this mean?" she asked, unsure where all his questions were leading.
His smile was so warm and bright it near blinded her. "It means I have not forgotten the kiss."
The butterflies had returned, as had her heart racing. "Good," was all she said before moving to stand in front of him. She didn't want to be the one to make the first move this time, needing to hold her hands behind her back to stop herself from grasping at him. He shook his head slightly, turning to go. She quickly grabbed his arm, "Don't go."
He paused but did not turn. "It would be kinder in the long run. But losing you would..." And then he was kissing her with such fever that all thoughts slipped away.
"Ar lath ma, vhenan," he whispered as he left, sending her spirit soaring.
Another balcony, not hers, not even Skyhold. It was night, and before she could fully realize where this memory was, his voice cuts in, "Come, before the band stops playing, dance with me."
"I'd love to," she replies, taking his hand before being swooped into her arms.
"No," she gasps out, trying to force the memories down, sweat beading her forehead at the effort. "Solas, stop."
Solas doesn't even look up, unwilling to break his focus. "I told you, you need to endure the pain, don't fight the magic."
She gives a small whimper as her own control slips, and she plunges back into memories.
The clearing is quiet and serenely calm with the small lake beside them. "Ar lasa mala revas. You are free," he tells her, having finished the spell. "You are so beautiful," he tells her, drawing her in for a kiss.
It ends all too soon though as he pulls away, looking sad suddenly. "And I am sorry. I distracted you from your duty. It will never happen again."
She doesn't miss the 'never', and somehow she knows immediately what he is saying. "Solas..."
He moves away from her outstretched hand. "Please, vhenan," moving back further as she takes a step toward him.
"Solas...don't leave me. Not now. I love you," she's holding the tears back, but only just.
"You have a rare and marvellous spirit," he says with a sad smile. "In another world---"
"Why not this one?" she cuts him off.
He just shakes his head. "I can't. I'm sorry." And then he's gone.
But then they're standing on the broken stone, Corypheus defeated and Solas bending to pick something up.
"Solas?" she asks.
"The orb," he says by way of explanation.
She licks her lips, having not had the opportunity to speak with him privately since the clearing. "I know you wanted the orb saved. I'm so sorry."
She isn't sure what his expression is as he replies, "It is not your fault."
And the emphasis isn't lost on her, not hers, but he knows whose. "There's more, isn't there?"
"It was not supposed to happen this way. No matter what comes, I want you to know what we had was real."
It was real? Does that mean they could start over, and then Cassandra is calling her and when she looks back, he's gone.
And she's on the steps at Skyhold. She was holding back tears again, but she knew Lel of all people could read her too easily for it to matter that she was trying to hide her feelings. "I just don't understand, he didn't even say goodbye."
Cullen sees tears trickling down her cheeks, her knuckles are white where she grips them on the cot, and yet she doesn't have that tell-tale crease on her forehead of physical pain. "Something's wrong," Cullen speaks, though it goes unheard. "Solas, you need to st---"
And then she speaks in a croaked whisper, cutting off his words. "Ma vhenan ghilana mir din'an, Fen'Harel."
Solas snaps his hands away and falls back as though she had physically shoved him away from her.
Ellana gasps for breath, looking up at Cullen to try regain her focus, but it's all still whirling and swirling around her.
Walking down a narrow side street with Harding. She was in the area anyway, she didn't mind going with the dwarf to follow the lead, but it was not what she expected at all.
She turns to the side and retches. There was so little in her stomach anyway that soon she's just heaving bile
She feels someone's hand on her back, rubbing it gently. Knows it must be Cullen. Her vision is blurry and takes a few blinks to clear it. Her hand is placed around his canteen, and she rinses her mouth before taking a couple of sips before finally turning to them.
Solas is still staring at her, though his expression is closed once again. Cullen is staring too, but his look is clearly one of concern.
Until he turned to face Solas. "What did you do?"
Solas met Cullen's anger with his own. "Me? I simply did what you asked me to do, attempt to heal her legs."
"Enough, both of you. It was just a bad reaction to the magic. It doesn't matter now that my legs are..." she trailed off as she glanced down at her legs, feeling her stomach rolling at the very thought of having to go through that again seeing as the worst of the damage was gone, but her legs were by no means fully healed.
She licked dry lips. "It's fine...we'll just sort it once we get to Skyhold," she told them, grabbing her trousers to pull them up, aware both men had taken in the damage that remained as she had.
"Once we get where?" Cullen asked, distracted at how injured her legs still looked.
Shit, thought Ellana. Why could she not just keep her mouth shut. "Get out of the cold numpty. No point fixing my legs only to freeze them off." The slight of tongue worked on Cullen, but Solas wasn't fooled. She knew he'd want to talk about how she knew their destination, even by name, but also her 'reaction to his magic'.
She didn't feel ready to spend even a minute alone with him right now, and it wasn't exactly like they could discuss either with an audience.
Which was exactly why she needed to stay near Cullen, just so long as it took to reach one of the others. That shouldn't be too difficult, should it?
~~~
Apparently, it should. For a start, the healing had been the equivalent of extraneous exercise on her poor legs. Where they had been in too much pain to keep going before, now they twitched with fatigue, and she had to clench her jaw tight as Cullen caught her at every stumble.
Each time he would raise a brow at her, offering his arm and she, in turn, would glare at the offending appendage until he dropped it back to his side until her next stumble. Even she knew she was being childish at the fifth occurrence and he flicked his finger along his eyebrow to cover the long-suffering sigh he gave at her response.
"Fine," she said after the seventh. He gave her a sickly innocent curious look. "I'll...accept your help. But only for a little stretch," she added as he gave her a victorious smile and held out his arm once more.
It was all at once intensely comforting and yet painful to be in so familiar a position with him without being able to just curl her head onto his upper arm to share a hushed conversation. She snapped her head away, realizing it was halfway there without her permission.
Looking around, she couldn't see any of the others. And then, like a beacon of hope, she spotted Lel. She quickened her pace, though it was difficult trying to both drag Cullen faster as well as use his arm as a crutch.
"Lel," she called when they were a little closer.
Leliana turned and seeing her, beamed as she brought Ellana into a short hug. "I'm glad you made it further than you expected," she murmured into Ellana's ear before drawing away.
As they pulled apart, Ellana stepped back to take Cullen's arm again, causing Leliana to raise a brow at the intimate looking position.
Without a single thought Ellana spoke, "Sorry, I'm forgetting my manners. This is Commander Rutherford, Commander of the Inquisition military..." and then her mind caught up with her mouth and she felt her cheeks flaming. "As you well know."
Leliana covered her mouth to hide her smile, while Cullen gave a cough that was probably hiding a laugh. "Yes, I do believe I've met the Commander," Leliana teased.
"Why don't rifts ever pop up when you need them?" Ellana cringed, covering her face with her free hand.
"She had a bad reaction to Solas healing her legs," Cullen said by way of explanation. "Not that she seemed entirely reasonable before that," he couldn't help but add.
Leliana frowned at that. "What sort of bad reaction?" she asked, clearly addressing Cullen.
"I'm standing right here," Ellana reminded her.
Leliana eyed her. "Would you give me a proper answer if I addressed the question to you?" she asked.
Her eyes flicked to Cullen and then back to Leliana. "Not...presently, no." She could feel Cullen's muscles tense slightly under her hand.
"As I expected," Leliana said, turning back to Cullen. "Well?"
Cullen cleared his throat. "It...appeared to cause her...emotional distress...a lot of it." His gaze was focused on Leliana, and she could tell he was deliberately not looking at her, even as she turned to face him at his words. "She said something to Solas in Elven? If I didn't already know she wasn't a mage, I would think she'd cast a small blast at him."
She hadn't given much thought about what she was until he mentioned it. She didn't need to focus hard to be aware of the lack of magic within her. She missed the feeling a little. Missed knowing she was never weaponless, and Maker wouldn't it be easier being a mage than a warrior or rogue given her still slightly crippled status?