Chapter Text
Dear Even,
Even couldn’t bear to read another word so he put the paper back into his pocket again where it had been since he got it from Jonas. He couldn’t read the letter from Isak. Not right now. Maybe never. Just those two words made Even’s whole chest spasm painfully and tears well up in his eyes.
“He’s dead isn’t he?”
Even already knew the answer to the question. He had heard it in the way Jonas breathed when he picked up the phone. Still he waited for Jonas to actually say it.
“Yes…” Jonas said and the world stopped moving for a little while.
Even had flown out to Oslo the next morning after a long sleepless night. It had felt unreal returning this time when he knew Isak had died. The one thing he had feared since that day in September when Jonas called him had finally happened. He had known this day would come even the first time he flew to Isak to make amends and to get closure. But back then he had just thought it would be only that. Go there over the weekend, talk, say sorry and go back to Copenhagen and Tilde and continue his life. He should’ve been prepared but he was not. Seeing Isak again after four years had been so much more than just getting closure. It had been about falling in love with Isak all over again, one step at the time.
“He died earlier this morning. The sun was just rising outside. Eskild, his dad and I were with him along with a nurse who made sure he was staying calm and not in any pain. He didn’t feel any pain, Even. He was calm and asleep and we were with him the whole time,” Jonas said shakily.
Even couldn’t say anything as he sunk down in the corridor, phone clutched to his ear. I should have been there too, he thought helplessly. I should have been there too.
“He’s…” Jonas continued. “At least he’s not suffering now, you know? At least he can be pain free.”
Even nodded as tears rolled down his cheek.
“Yeah,” he whispered.
Eskild had picked him up the airport even if Even had said he was okay to take a taxi. He hadn’t cried at all since he fell asleep around 4 am, an hour before he had to get up and leave for the airport, but when he had seen Eskild standing there, teary eyed and worn down it had been hard to hold the tears in. Yet, he had as he let Eskild cling to him in a desperate hug.
The ride back to Isak’s and Jonas’ or now only Jonas’s apartment had been quiet, only interrupted by Eskild’s occasional sniffles. Even had pretended not to hear them even if it made him feel like an ass to not recognise his friend’s pain. He just wasn’t ready for it yet.
It had been difficult enough just sitting on the plane knowing the reason why he was returning home this time around. He didn’t know how long he was planning on staying. Maybe until after the funeral, maybe longer. He had taken some time off from work and postponed the pre production of his next movie. He had cancelled meetings and made his calendar blank for the next month. People would be pissed with him but he didn’t care. He needed time because the love of his life had just died.
Dear Even,
By the time you read this (if you do) I’ll be dead.
Not now, Even thought once again and put the letter in his bag. He couldn’t read Isak’s letter even now, three days later. It still hurt too much to even think about it.
“ I’m not sure I should give you this, Even,” Jonas said and handed Even a plain, white envelope. “Isak wrote it in case he didn’t get to talk to you, just like he was planning. He wanted you to have it. But now that you had time to see each other I’m not sure. We didn’t talk about it. I should have asked him about it but…”
“He told me about it…” Even said.
“He did?”
“Yeah,” Even said.
“He wouldn’t have told you unless he wanted you to have it,” Jonas concluded with a sad grimace. “You should keep it.”
With that Jonas disappeared into Isak’s bedroom again and closed the door behind him. Even was left standing outside, dumbly until Eskild put a hand on his shoulder and steered him into the living room.
“Just give him some time,” Eskild said. “He’s in shock. He needs some time to process all of this.”
Jonas had spent almost two days in Isak’s room without letting anyone else in, and only leaving to use the bathroom. It was evident that things had finally come crashing down on Jonas and he was struggling to cope. Still, he was holding together far better than Even would have imagined.
“How are you?” Eskild had asked gently once Jonas emerged from Isak’s room and took a seat on the couch in the living room.
Jonas had shrugged emptily.
“Not great,” he had said.
-
Even stayed at his parents’ house at night but spent most of his time with Jonas and Eskild. The first few days Eskild hadn’t been keen on leaving Jonas alone so most of the time was spent at the apartment. A lot of people had come by during those days. Sana and her family had come by, Isak’s dad and Magnus and Mahdi, as well as Linn and Noora. It felt unreal seeing all of them again. He hadn’t seen Linn and Noora in forever.
After the first three days, Jonas, Eskild and Even spent their days doing all sorts of things in Oslo. They went out for lunch and dinner even if their appetite was limited. Terje came over every night to plan the funeral and once that happened, Even usually stepped aside, letting Terje and Jonas make the heavy decisions. Marianne had fallen apart with the news that Isak had passed away and was now in the hospital for the time being. She had received extra injections and medication and was monitored closely. Hopefully she would be well enough to be released before the funeral otherwise she would be on permission. No matter what she would be there. Terje made phone calls to the ward every day to keep track of her progress and make sure that she could be part of the planning in any way she was capable of.
It felt unreal, seeing Terje walk the extra mile for Marianne when Even knew their history but he supposed that things changed once your child died. Once you had to plan your child’s funeral. His own parents had become close to have to and Terje and Marianne had done it twice, Even realized. When their six-year-old daughter Lea died when Isak was twelve and now 13 years later.
Isak had not talked much about his sister at all and Even didn’t know much about her even though they had been together for three years. Even knew that she had died in a choking accident when she was six and that it had was part of the reason why Marianne had gone through her first psychosis. Isak had never been willing to share the details about Lea’s death but Even knew that Isak blamed himself for it. Even never pressured Isak to talk when it was so obvious that it was something that brought pain to him.
Even could never imagine how it must feel to plan a funeral. He had never had to and the mere thought of having to one day scared him. He didn’t want to pick out music or appropriate food or find a good place for the wake.
So while Jonas, Terje and Eskild set the date for the funeral, decided on details, ordered coffins and decided on tombstones, Even withdrew from all the planning and went back to his parents’ house.
“How are you holding up, sweetie?” his mother asked one evening when Even felt particularly drained from the day.
His parents were worried about his health, that he was going to crash but so far Even kept with his routines almost robot like. He took his meds and went to bed at night. He ate even if it felt like he was going to throw up and he went on morning runs before meeting up with Jonas and Eskild.
It had been a long day and Even felt exhausted. He was curled up on his side on the bed in his old room that had long ago turned into a guest room. His furniture had been replaced and the art he had made he had taken with him once he moved. Still the place so many memories.
“I miss him,” Even said weakly. “I miss him so much. I can’t believe he is dead.”
His mother hugged him and his dad stood in the doorway as he allowed himself to cry in her arms. He didn’t cry in front of Jonas or Eskild or god forbid Terje but in the safety of his old room, surrounded by vivid memories of his and Isak’s relationship he allowed the tears to fall. It was the only way for him to keep going.
“I want him back,” Even whispered, shamefully. “I miss him and I want him back.”
“I know, honey,” his mother said. “It’s okay. We are here for you. It’s okay. Just let it all out.”
She held him for a long time and eventually he calmed down. She kissed him on the cheek before she and his father left him alone.
Even lay awake for a long time. Unable to fall asleep. After half an hour he gave up and crawled out of bed and walked across the room to his suitcase. Without hesitation he found Isak’s letter and brought it back to bed. It had stayed untouched for little over a week as Even had not had the strength to continue reading past the first sentence, but now he felt ready to give it a chance. He lit the bedside lamp and crawled underneath the covers again.
Dear Even,
By the time you read this (if you do) I’ll be dead. It also means I didn’t have the courage to tell you all this in person. I’m just not brave enough, I guess. There are so many things I want to tell you, and I don’t even know where to begin. Maybe Jonas has already told you a few things. Maybe you already know why I died. But that’s not really important at the moment. I’m writing this in the hospital. My heart has stopped working and I’m getting worse again. I’m not allowed to drive (even though I always hated it) and I probably won’t be able to stay at uni for much longer. I don’t even know why I’m telling you this but I don’t think I’m going to get a heart, Even.
There are so many people waiting to get a transplant and I don’t think I’m going to be getting one. The first few months kept hoping but now it feels like I’ve given up all together. Like I said, there are so many people that need a transplant and sometimes it feels like they have more reasons to live than I do. It’s not that I want to die. I really, really don’t. It’s just that it feels like people with kids or spouses have more reason to get a heart. I don’t have that anymore. Not since my boyfriend broke up with me. I only really have Jonas, or so it feels sometimes. But I’m holding him back and keeping him from living the life he wants to live. He is adamant that he is going to take care of me and stay by my side but I don’t want him to be stuck with me. I don’t want him to feel like I’m a chore. I try not to burden him too much but I know he keeps worrying about me. He has but his whole life on hold just to be there for me. Therefore I can never tell him how scared I am sometimes.
I don’t want to die, Even. I’m so scared of it sometimes even if I’m almost certain that it is going to happen. Maybe you will think I’m a coward that doesn’t fight. But I do fight. I try everyday to put on a brave face so that no one can see of tired I am. I’m tired but I’ also scared. Anyway, you don’t deserve to read about me complaining about this. That is not the reason why I wrote this to you.
I need you to know how sorry I am. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for everything I put you through and for hurting you in the worst way possible. I’m sorry for giving up and letting you down. I’m sorry for leaving. I’m sorry I didn’t fight harder for us. I wish I could go back in time and take everything back. I wish I had the chance to do better. I wish I had never let go of you.
You were one of the best things that happened in my life. You made me realise who I was and made me feel proud of who I am. You opened my eyes, Even. You made me feel loved, and safe and happy for the first time in my life. Before you I was miserable and lonely. You were my first love and the love of my life all at once. I’ve never loved anyone the way I loved you and maybe that is pathetic after all these years but it is the truth.
You saved my life Even and I’m so so sorry for not being able to save you back. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough. I was never as brave as you even though I tried to be. I never had your courage even on my best days. I always used to admire that about you. I still do. You are so brave and strong even when you battle horrible things. You are so amazing in every way possible and you deserve the world. I just wish I could have been the person to give you that. Even now, I still think about that all the time. I’ll never be able to forgive myself for letting you go and losing you but even less that I hurt you so much. I’ll never forgive myself for that. I try to make peace with myself but it is difficult. Jonas wants me to give you a call or text you. He thinks it would be good for me to let go and make amends before I die. I don’t think I’ll be able to.
I don’t want you to feel forced to come see me or make amends just because I’m dying. Not with the way it ended between us. I know you probably would because you are kind and a good person. I’d lie if I said that was the only reason I don’t want to call you though. Part of me is also scared that you won’t come. That I will call you and you won’t come. I won’t have anyone else to blame but myself and I’ll have to live with that for the rest of my short life. I don’t blame you. I really don’t, but did you mean it? When you said you hated me?
No, Even thought. I didn’t mean it and I’m so sorry for letting you think that. He had to put away the letter again. He couldn’t continue at the moment. Not with the knowledge that this is what Isak felt when he wrote this letter. It didn’t matter that they had gotten to see each other again because back then Isak was scared that Even wouldn’t come. Back then Isak wondered if Even meant those words. The same words that had haunted Even from the moment that he had said them.
He put the letter on the bedside table where it would sit for another few days until Even found the courage to read it again. Until then he met up with his old friends. Adam, Mutta and Elias still lived in Oslo and the four of them met up for lunch one day. He hadn’t told them he was back in town during his other visits during the autumn but now it was inevitable. It felt good to see them again even if they didn’t get to spend as much time together now that they were all grown up. They all knew about Isak of course but this time Even couldn’t find it in him to be angry at them for not telling him that Isak was sick. For some reason it didn’t feel important anymore.
“Sana told me you and Isak had started speaking again,” Elias said gently.
Even nodded quietly.
“Yeah,” he said. “We saw each other a few times actually.”
“This must be difficult for you,” Mutta said. “With everything that happened between you.”
“We were over it,” Even said flatly. “We talked about it and I forgave him a long time ago for what happened. In the end it didn’t matter. We only focused on the good things between us and moving on from the past. It was what Isak needed, what we both needed. It wasn’t only his fault. The break-up. He did his best and he did fight for us. And it doesn’t matter now anyway because he’s dead.”
“Hey…” Elias said and Even looked up and realised that he had been rambling and that his three friends where now looking at him with mildly concerned looks on their faces.
“You don’t have to explain yourself to us,” Adam said. “We know how much Isak meant to you and if you reconnected that’s great. We are not going to judge you. What happened between you two is between the two of you and it is in the past. If you are over it we are over it too.”
Even swallowed against the thick lump in his throat that was quickly forming.
“It feels so unreal that he is gone, Even said. “That when we finally got to talking and spending time together it was because he was dying. It feels like we didn’t get enough time together. I just wish we had more time.”
“I get that. But at least you got some time together, right?” Mutta said. “Even if it is hard now that must count for something. All you can do now is remember all the good things. And focus on that.”
“Yeah, I guess,” Even said. “It’s just hard to imagine that if Jonas had never called me I wouldn’t have come here for him and we wouldn’t have talked at all and…”
Even couldn’t keep going so instead he took another bite of his salad before he put down the fork and pushed the plate away from him. That night he opened up Isak’s letter again.
Like I said I don’t blame you because what I did was horrible and inexcusable. It still hurt though, hearing you say that. I think about that sometimes. About our last conversation. About the last time we saw each other. I remember everything as if it happened yesterday and sometimes I still have nightmares about that particular night and what happened after. I’m so sorry. It feels like I can’t say it enough times and at the same time every time I do say it it loses its meaning. I do think about that sometimes even if it hurts. I still hate myself for it. The time after the break-up was the worst in my life. I’ve never felt so lonely. I had lost you and almost all of my friends over a night. I know it was what I deserved but it hurt so much. I realised how much of a mistake I had made but then it was too late and everyone told me to stay away from you. That if anything happened to you it would be my fault. I’m so thankful that you were okay in the end because if not I would have killed myself. I would never have been able to live with myself. I’m not saying this to hurt you. I just want you to know everything. Maybe that’s selfish. Maybe that’s what I am. Anyway, it felt like the right type of punishment back then to lose almost everything I had. You, my friends, your parents. Jonas stuck around of course and for some reason Eskild did too. I don’t know what I would have done without them. Over the years I’ve reconciled with some of them and it means a lot to me. Especially since I got sick.
Even if I have thought a lot about the break-up and it makes me sad, most of the time I think about the happy memories I have with you because they are so many more than the bad ones. I think about our first kiss, I think about the first time I saw you in school. I think about our first apartment and our second. I think about all our trips. To Amsterdam and Marrakech. I think about your pancakes and your scrambled eggs. I think about the eid party Sana invited us to and all the Fifa nights with the boys. I think about our anniversaries and our walks and even our lazy Sunday mornings in bed. I remember the good things more often than the bad and when I do I feel a little bit of that happiness I once felt and I’ll hold on to that until I die.
“Let’s rent bikes,” Even said excitedly and dragged Isak towards the bike stand. “Everyone bikes in Amsterdam.”
Isak laughed sweetly next to him and let Even pull him towards the machine that let you rent bikes right on the street.
“Okay baby,” Isak said. “Let’s rent bikes.”
Even pulled Isak into his arms kissed him deeply.
“I love you so much,” he whispered into Isak’s ear.
“I love you too,” Isak breathed.
Even remembered their trip to Amsterdam so vividly. It had been one of their best trips they had taken together even if they had been on plenty of others. They had both been so happy and carefree. Isak just recently graduated from high school and Even in a good place in his life. They had gone for an extended weekend and spent hours strolling through the city, rented bikes and went on a boat ride. They had eaten pancakes and drunken beers. It was before their struggles started. Before Even started uni.
He had to put down the letter again to allow himself to breathe. The tears were streaming down his face and it felt useless to try to wipe them away. He drew his knees close to his chest and hugged them tightly.
He didn’t read the end of the letter until the morning of the funeral.
I hope you are happy Even because you deserve all the happiness in the world. I hope you find someone who loves you and cares for you and makes you feel safe. Anyone who gets you will be the luckiest person on earth. You made me feel that way for a few years and I’ll forever be grateful for that.
I still love you and I always will. I hope you can forgive me someday but if you can’t that is okay too. Just know that I love you and try to remember the good times we had together. That’s all I ask. You are meant for great things Even. I know it. I love you forever.
Isak
The funeral was horrible and Even cried from the moment he entered the church, before the ceremony even started, and cried and cried and cried through it all. He sat next to Sana and Magnus. Sana didn’t cry until the end but Magnus cried the entire time just like Even. And when Magnus grabbed his hand and clutched it tightly Even clutched back. Mahdi sat next to Magnus, and next to him Vilde and Noora. Next to Sana were Chris and Eva. They were all here, their old friend group saying goodbye to one of their friends. Even Elias was here. Probably for Sana’s sake but Even had not expected to see any of his friends there at all even after their lunch together. When Even turned around in the middle of the priest’s speech he spotted Mutta, Adam and Yousef further down in the church. Only Mikael was absent but he had sent Even a text telling him that he couldn’t get time off from work and travel back to Oslo from Trondheim. Even turned back again and jumped in his seat when Marianne let out an uncontrollable sob in response to something the priest had just said. Terje held her in his arms in front of Even. But she continued sobbing loudly. Even closed his eyes and wished he could close his ears too. He didn't want to hear her sobs. He didn’t want to hear the church bells ring or hear the psalms. He didn’t want to see people cry or see Isak’s casket in front of all of them. He wanted to go home and he wanted Isak to be alive.
He opened his eyes again and focused on the ceiling. He pretended that he didn’t hear Jonas go up to hold his eulogy, he pretended he didn’t hear Mangus cry. He pretended that the way Mangus held his hand didn’t hurt.
At the end of the ceremony Even had to close his eyes again as Terje and Marianne walked up to say goodbye to their son. Marianne’s sobs were loud again but Terje’s were soundless and stoic. Only silent tears that ran down his cheeks as he held onto his ex-wife. The mother to his two children who were now both dead. The oldest whom Even had loved and still loved with all his heart.
“I love you too,”Even whispered when it became his turn. “I love you and I promise I’ll always remember the good times we had together. I will love you forever.”