Chapter Text
One Month Later
Today is the first day in so long, that I haven’t went out and drank myself senseless.
For one, it had to do with my health and I realized if I continued that I will actually die of alcohol poisoning one day.
Yoongi did continue to yell at me, but as selfish as I am, I didn’t pay much mind to him nor anyone else.
It gotten to the point that the others nicknamed me as death bottle Hyung.
I realized I could get liver cancer from this after an educational class from Jung Hoseok who just gladly lectured me after I accidentally walked in his room with a bottle at hand.
That was two weeks ago. The following week, he got discharged from the hospital, was able to come back and live with us.
It’s been a week since he came back, along with Tae and Kook from their visits back home.
It’s also been a week since Yoongi and Jimin left to visit family, and as much as I hate to say it, I did miss Yoongi yelling at me for the past week.
That is probably and reason that triggered me to not drink today.
But for some reason, there was something more that was holding me back, I can’t really put my finger on it. I know it’s for sure important or else I wouldn’t have broke my habit like this.
It must be something, I just need to figure it out.
I stared at the ceiling above me, plain white. Sprawling myself over the couch.
The others have gone to sleep, but here I am wide awake because normally by this time I would be at some random bar or club wasting myself.
Today, I just didn’t have the motivation to go.
It wouldn’t be because I am tired or else I would have passed out way long ago.
Which would have been a good five hours ago possibly, considering it currently three in the morning now.
Or in Yoongi’s words, it would be ass o’clock in the goddamn morning.
But honestly, that is very accurate.
I wish sleep could come to me as easy as it would used to come to him.
Oh God, now that I think about it, I haven’t thought about him in such a long time.
And by him, I mean Namjoon.
I remember watching him go to sleep literally five seconds after lying down.
That’s why when we went stargazing, I would have to make sure the conversation never ended or else the kid will fall asleep damn fast and it intrigued me a little, how fast he could sleep.
And when he sleeps, God he slept so well, I’m sure he would be able to sleep all through World War Three if he wanted.
Not to mention the snores.
Holy shit, his snores is what earned him the title of The Human Earthquake, in courtesy of Hoseok.
Everytime Hobi would mention the nickname, we would be cackling so loud while the poor guy would be blushing bright red and look away.
It would be up to me, in the end, to stop the teasing before he broke something as well.
Oh dear Lord, don’t get me even started on his list of broken things.
The thought crept a smile on my face, a genuine smile mind you.
I shouldn’t be awake, I know I shouldn’t be, but I am due to possible insomnia.
I want to remember the last time I slept before midnight. God fuck that was a lifetime ago apparently.
Everything was right and orderly before I became this huge mess.
I’ve been broken and smashed into a million pieces and I don’t think I can ever put myself back together again.
I wish I knew what it was like to live the picture perfect life. I want to know it.
Reality is a bitch, though, and you never get what you want, in this lifetime anyway.
I wonder how it’s like wherever he is.
I’m sure he’s having the time of his life, looking down on me and just straight up cackling.
Honestly, I won’t be surprised if he is.
I’m sure being dead is much easier than being alive. Not to mention that you don’t need to waste your time breathing.
Breathing is disgusting, it’d be great if it was optional.
Funny, he was the one who said those same words back then. I would be the one to demotivate him from that idea.
I miss you, Joon, I really do.
Why the fuck did you have to leave me behind?
At least you could’ve had the audacity to take Hyung with you.
If you saw the galaxy, I saw the fucking universe you asshole.
Come back.
Namjoon was the kind to complain if he couldn’t get something right the first time. Not only an intellect, but a perfectionist as well.
Though he did overthink a tad bit much sometimes.
… I see the fucking galaxy in your eyes. And I can’t afford to lose that galaxy, so I left before it could leave me.
Levine before wouldn’t be the right solution in this case, leaving together would be correct.
I was so immersed into my thoughts that I didn’t even hear the door of one of the rooms opening and semi loud footsteps approaching the living room.
“Hey Hyung.”
The deep voice was very familiar, but it didn’t stop me from scaring the living shit out of me.
I look up to see Taehyung leaning against the wall of the hallway that connected to bedrooms to the kitchen and living room.
He looks half asleep, which makes sense considering the time, hair messy, just wearing a hoodie and shorts. But he’s definitely cold, since he is crossing his arms and shivering a bit.
“Hey kid.” I reply as calmly as I possibly can, refusing to show that I was even phased by his sudden appearance.
He didn’t say anything, until he reached the kitchen, the faint sound of dishes hitting each other broke the silence for a few seconds.
“Tea?”
Normally, I’d refuse since I like regulating the amount of tea I drink, but honestly, what is normal anymore?
“Yeah, thanks.”
“No problem.” He says as he pours water to create the drink.
The whole time he made the tea, it was a comfortable silence that doesn’t come nowadays, so I was thankful.
It’s funny to think that I prefer silence over talking, whereas before I’d hate the quiet and force myself to speak something.
Back then, it was easier to talk.
In the past, I didn’t have to talk with depressing knowledge at the center of my thoughts.
There was no need for me to think what I want to say carefully.
I wouldn’t have to speak knowing that I’m a leader now, not a follower.
Tae came back with two warm cups of tae at hand fifteen minutes later, handing one to me.
The drink felt good in my cold, skinny fingers. It became the center of my warmth, even though it’ll only last so many minutes.
Bringing it up to my mouth, it felt good on my lips and tongue as well.
Made me feel warm on the inside just briefly.
“You didn’t go drinking today.” It wasn’t a question, it was a statement. A true one at that.
“Yeah...didn’t feel like going.” I shrugged off like it was no big deal, because really, it wasn’t.
“Yoongi Hyung would be proud of you.”
“Yeah? I hope so.” I chuckle a bit, imagining the reaction of the man.
“You broke your streak.”
I raised a confused eyebrow at him like he’s suddenly gone crazy, because quite frankly, I have absolutely no idea what he is talking about.
“What streak?”
He doesn’t look at me while answering, paying more attention to his tea, which is understandable since I wouldn’t want to look at my ugly ass face either.
“You has a long streak going by the number of dedicated nights you went out… though today you broke it.”
Oh
“Well if you put it that way… then I guess I did.”
“Hyung…” He pauses midway, almost seeming he’s scared to continue. As if I were to get mad at him or something.
Lately I’ve been too tired to express much of any emotion if I were being honest, but there’s no need for me to say that, because that could lead to explaining things I don’t know how to explain.
I just don’t know.
“Yeah kid.”
“Why did you suddenly take on this habit? I mean you were never one to be a heavy drinker back then… that was mainly Yoongi Hyung’s job. So what changed in you? Only if you mind answering of course.”
Because I’m a shitty ass person who deserves to die of alcohol poisoning is what I want to say.
Instead of answering at all though, I just looked down. There’s no need for me to self deprecate myself in front of the younger. That job is meant for me to do when I’m drunk to the bone.
“I’m...not sure kid. But if I need to give an honest answer, I guess drinking is the only solution I found to cope with the world that’s moving on too fast for my liking.”
He nods solemnly, picking up on how I don’t necessarily want to talk about this that I’m grateful for, so he doesn’t press on.
Namjoon didn’t prod either.
The thought came unwillingly into my mind and it immediately brought tears that I for the life of me don’t want to spill out when I’m being watched on.
Crying is for the weak
The tea remained in my hands, getting colder by the second. I didn’t mind it much, since it prevented from me having a mental breakdown at 3 in the morning.
I wonder how other people are able to function with this same scenario.
They don’t deserve it, only me.
I’m an idiot of a Hyung, who can’t do, say, or act for the life of me without being in the verge of dying in the process.
I need my dongsaengs to do that job for me sadly.
It just goes to show how dependent of a grown ass man I’ve become.
By my age, normal people would be able to do stuff while thinking rationally.
Oh how I aspire to be one of those many normal people.
Instead, I can’t even live on my fucking own. I need to live those who give at least a little shit about me to survive.
I think thats the saddest part about my whole life.
I'm not my own self, I’m Kim Seokjin from an alternate universe.
If there was one wish that had ever come true in my life, it should be for me to go back in time where the real me was.
The current me is a person no one should be able to see, that’s how bad it is.
The small clank of glass hitting glass woke me up from my thoughts.
I didn’t move my head, just using my eyes to see that Tae was just placing his cup on the coffee table in silence.
Tae was one special kid. I love him a lot.
Jimin would be considered his counterpart, “Jimin is the one who corrupts Tae’s innocence” Hoseok would say.
In a way, it was true, Jimin does corrupt him, nothing bad though in my opinion.
Taehyung was the kid who had a bubbly personality like Hoseok, but he also had this completely different side that no one has enough brain cells to understand yet we all love it.
It’s just that part of Tae that gravitates anyone towards him.
“Pretty much impossible to hate him.” Yoongi would say. And he was right, even if we say we hate the boy, we all know deep down that that’s physically incapable of us.
I sighed, stopping my mind from playing images from the past.
It’s so easy to forget where we are currently, tempting ourselves to believe that we are still in the past where there was no such thing as sadness.
I looked up to see the boy looking back at me.
He was always known to think a lot, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he was doing just that right now.
“What are you thinking about?” I said, which must have caught him off guard as he blinked a couple of times before breaking the contact.
“It’s nothing, really.”
“Don’t lie to me, I know there’s a million thoughts going on in that brain of yours, and well since none of us are going to sleep, might as well share our thoughts, yeah?”
He just giggled, “You talk a lot for so early in the morning, Hyung.”
Seeing his eyes twinkle caused me to smile not resisting. It was a genuine smile, something that doesn’t happen often these days.
“Let’s take a visit to that nearby lake, get some fresh air.” I suddenly said.
I’m not sure what made me to say it, but it wasn’t a bad idea.
Tae’s smile even grew bigger, which means it wasn’t a bad idea at all.
We quietly put on our shoes and slipped passed the door, not wanting to cause a commotion.
The night air was warm with a gentle breeze coming from the west.
The sky was a nice navy blue, the small specks of stars scattered around it.
The lake was a good block away, on our way there, I just kept my eyes glued to the sky, the one thing that had always remained constant throughout my life.
I always looked at it when I needed reassurance to move on, it never once failed me with it’s natural beauty.
If there is one thing I want to do in my next life, it would be to become one with the cherishing sky.
I want to know what it feels like to be so high up, looking after the mortals that are breathing under it.
The sky itself was one breathtaking picture, the colours it makes never ceases to amaze me.
It’s vast beauty is indescribable, words are not worthy to handle the beauty.
Once we reached the lake, I took a seat beside it, removing my shoes and resting my feet in the water. It was cold, but manageable.
Tae has gathered some stones on our way here. He started to skip them along the water, the tiny splash noises were music to the ears.
The moonlight was reflected off the water, giving a shimmer each time Tae skipped a stone.
“Hyung, you should come skip stones with me.” He said enthusiastically.
I wasn’t one for doing such things, normally I’d be the one sitting on the sideline watching the younger one’s do it. Sometimes with Yoongi.
Each time I came here with Joon, he’d be the one skipping the stones, persuading me at the same time. At the end of the night, of course he would always win and I’d skip a couple before we left for home.
As much as I wanted to refuse, I couldn’t help but smile, “Alright.”
Tae handed me a couple of rocks, and we started skipping them together in silence.
The silence wasn’t awful, in fact, it was amazing. It allowed me to be deep in thought like i have been a lot nowadays.
Namjoon found skipping stones as a stress-relieving hobby. Back then I didn’t understand why, maybe because I spent half the time staring at him in all of his glory.
Times have changed. I finally understand what he found so relaxing about this simple task. One wouldn’t understand until proven otherwise.
I miss him.
I have lost track of the amount of times I have thought or said that out loud. It’s been too long.
I gave the water in front of me a good stare. Watching the liquid glimmer under the dim moonlight. There aren't any street lights nearby since where the lake is located isn’t exactly near the streets, so the only source of light comes from the night sky above us.
The sky is lucky. It doesn’t have to worry about it’s loved ones dying at such short notice. And there are newborns that replace them without leaving a single hint.
I wish humans could do that. Anew human being can just walk into one’s life, after their loved one leaves them.
I guess that is what makes humans unique in a way. Once one person moves on to the next world, there is no replacement.
His death made me realize that I don’t know who I am anymore. He was all I got. Now I need to find who Kim Seokjin of Bangtan Sonyeondan is again.
There is one conclusion I can draw right now. It’s that my life will never be the same, there is no turning back.
I watched as the last rock that was in my hand skipped a good few meters away.
Maybe I can find myself.
“Hey hyung can I…ask you something?”
I sat down, adjusting myself until I found a position that was comfortable but won’t let me fall asleep by accident.
“You know you can ask me anything, Tae, go for it. Speak your heart out.”
He let out an audible sigh, taking a spot right next to me, gazing the horizon.
“I’ve been wanting to ask this question for a while...but the topic isn’t very...favoured I guess you could say. And well, I thought if I asked I might just get scolded for asking. I tried asking my parents when I was younger, but I quickly realized that this isn’t something very accepted here so…”
Now that he’s mentioning this, my brain automatically created worst case scenarios on what the topic could be, but I pushed all of that to the back of my mind, hoping that it was just my curiosity getting the best of me.
“Tae you know I hate when you beat around the bush...please just get to the point.”
I turned to look at him to see that he was very visibly nervous, swallowing thickly, adam’s apple bobbing.
“Well hyung the question is...is it really wrong to be gay?”
The question shouldn’t have hit me harder than it actually did. Maybe because I didn’t expect the question at all? I don’t know what has gotten into me, but when he asked, it is like something in me clicked in.
“It’s...it is not wrong to be gay Tae. I know it is not something that is accepted here in Korea, but if you have realised you are gay, then so be it. You’re sexuality can’t be suddenly changed by one action, it is just apart of who you are. If you are being yourself, then don’t give a shit about what other people may think, for all you care they can fuck off. As long as you do you, then nothing else in this world matters.”
I ended with a smile on my lips, I never realized how passionate I was about this topic until now.
I’m glad he had asked me that question, perhaps deep within myself i had hoped that someone would ask me that so I could have the honour of answering the question.
Tae’s gaze on me is probably what snapped me out of my fantasy and back to reality, tears were slowly running down his cheeks and I started worrying that maybe I had said the wrong thing.
But before I could say anything he cut me off, “Do not worry hyung, you did not do anything wrong. In fact...thank you so much for your answer, I really needed that. I am so glad I am able to call you my hyung.”
At this point he was a sobbing mess and my heart hurts for him, so I stretched out my arms and pulled him closer to me, vowing to myself the same vow I made all those years ago.
I will keep him under my wing and take refuge.
The question shouldn’t have hit me as hard it did. Of course I was expecting one of the boys to ask me this at one point in our lives, the topic is not inevitable unlike popular belief. I had imagined one of them coming to ask me this question a few years after our debut, I guess I never expected now of all times.
I must have been staring at Tae for too long, because he started getting uncomfortable and squirmy.
“H-Hey hyung you do not need to answer the ques-”
“Shh, it is my turn to speak, you keep quiet, ok?”
He nodded his head, eyes downcast as if I just scolded him and gave him a harsh punishment.
I tried my best to pick the right words to say, not wanting to slip up on such a controversial topic.
“Our country...finds it wrong to be gay, but…”
I audibly gulped, who knew it was this hard to talk about something like this?
“If you truly find that you are more attracted to males than females, then fuck all those people who thinks it’s wrong, you need to do you, do not give a fuck about the haters.”
Tae opened his mouth to say something but I quickly cut him off, probably this will be the only time I will have the balls to talk about this, so must get everything off my chest to the best of my ability.
“I know we are global superstars but...we are also the role model and voice for this generation. Standing up for them is also our job. If one or more of us happen to be gay, there’s no use in hiding because word will go out one way or another. If we are gay, we should come out for the whole world to see, let the antis be. We should not be told who we are allowed to love, because this is our fucking life and we are allowed to make of it how we choose too and not some old hags who are still stuck in the 19th century.”
Once I was done with my speech I looked up to make eye contact to a much rather surprised Taehyung. He looked as of I just dropped a bomb on him.
And mayhaps, I have.
“Wow hyung...I did not think you were so passionate about this topic.”
I let a low chuckle pass through, shrugging, “I did not know I was so passionate about this topic either...until just now.”
He smiled at me eyes shining in the darkness of the night.
“I wish...the older generation was more accepting of us. Times are changing, they can not be staying in this old fantasy of theirs.”
I sighed, “Yeah me too.”
Then a sudden popped up in my head, could Tae be gay?
The question was quite personal, I did not want to push him too hard, talking about gay is tiring as it is.
My mind is playing this back and forth battle of whether or not to ask, but he already made the final decision for me.
“Hyung you look like you want ask me something, just go for it.”
I nod slightly, “Ok well...why are you asking me this? Are you...gay?”
Suddenly, his uncomfortable expression came back on his face and I realized I fucked up once again.
Wait to go being a role model, Jin.
“I...do not know who I am.”
That caught me off guard from my self-pity party.
Kim Taehyung does not who he is? Then what would make me?
I shake my head vigorously. I need to act like the older brother I am, not a douchebag...or at least not right now.
Tears started coming out without my permission, trickling down my cheeks slowly, making their way towards Tae’s shirt.
My answer for him...I’m not sure it was to convince him or more of myself. But in the end, as long as we keep to our word, I guess it doesn’t matter who it belongs too.
By the time we had both calmed down, the first rays of daylight started peeking out from the horizon.
“We should probably start heading back home now before Hobi hyung thinks we both went out for drinking during the night.”
I laughed at that, an actual genuine laugh. Tae’s not wrong, Hobi knows us all like the back of his hand. But tonight was different, I can walk home sober and have learned something new. Something that I should keep at the back of my head for later.
“Would it be wrong if I said that I enjoyed not drinking and just absorbing the calmness of the night?”
He looked at me quizzically, his features soft otherwise.
“I enjoyed myself too, Hyung. Haven’t felt so content with myself in quite a while.”
“That makes the both of us.”
We walked back home, both of us in our own different worlds. I smiled despite myself, at the progress I made from lying down on the couch staring at a blank ceiling, having an inner pity party, to being beside the lake, spending quality time with Taehyung whom I haven’t been able to associate much with lately.
It’s funny how fate puts together a person’s life. The downs making us curse the living being out of fate and then the ups making never being thankful enough to fate. It’s ironic, really, how the human mind works. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to grasp the complete potential us humans possess, nor am I going to.
I only resurfaced to the real world when we had reached the door to what we call home. Taehyung has his hand on the doorknob, but much to my surprise, he turns around to face me.
“In the off chance that Hobi Hyung is up, which will be most likely, what should our excuse be?”
I pondered that for a minute. We would have to make some believable shit up for this to work, or else the both of us will never hear the end of it.
“Let’s...let’s say we couldn’t sleep so we decided to pay Namjoon a visit. It has been a while so….”
He nodded, “Ok, good idea.” Then turning around only to pause midway.
“Oh and Hyung?”
“Yeah?”
“Can we...keep what we had talked about to ourselves….at least until I have found myself.”
“Of course...after all, it’s not only you he needs to find themself.”
He didn’t say anything, just opens the door as quietly as humanly possible. Both of us toeing off our shoes and silently making it back to our rooms.
I thought we would be able to slip through unnoticed, yet god forbid the door just had to open, revealing Hoseok on his wheelchair in all of his magnificent glory.
The kid looks exhausted and slightly annoyed at the same time. How he has the energy to put up a front so early in the morning is beyond me, but before I can comment on it, he beats me to it.
“You’re not drunk.” He says it as a statement instead of question like I had expected.
I just simply shrug it off, forcing myself to act like nothing happened so this process could move faster.
“Didn’t feel like it.”
He nods, breaking the eye contact which meant I was dismissed. Not intending on him to change his mind, I quickly open the door and slip in, shutting it just as fast, not before hearing Hoseok say “Taehyung stay there” though.
I didn’t have the heart to stay by the door and eavesdrop on what could possibly be Tae’s impending doom. Just glanced on the clock to read 7:30 am.
I collapsed onto the unmade bed, looking blankly at the pastel blue ceiling above me. The few rays of sunlight that started to filter through the closed windows made the room seem a little brighter, not as dark and heavy like I had felt at the start of the night.
In fact, I feel quite the opposite. It’s like some kind of weight has been lifted off of me, even if it is just a sliver.
Even a sliver can make a huge difference over time.
It didn’t feel like this a while ago, maybe it has something to do with being at my safe spot at the lake, or skipping rocks which was considered a stress reliever to Namjoon, or maybe it is just the fact I was able to talk about a subject so dear to me to a person the I consider dear to me as well.
Whatever it is, it has made me feel better about myself nonetheless.
They say communication is key, and they aren’t wrong.
It is just when you communicate with someone that you hold tight onto, the feeling is different.
It feels more liberating in a sense.