Chapter Text
The pit-pat of rain bursting against the bedroom window woke Elena. She didn’t have to err to complete lucidity to know it was too early to be awake. The clock on her bedside table read an incriminating 3:43 a.m. for good measure, and if she needed another indicator, she could still hear Nate’s soft snores from his side of the bed. Knowing it was pointless to even try getting another blink of sleep, she eased herself off the mattress and padded her way to the kitchen.
“Coffee or coffee?” She asked herself as she sealed her fate and brewed her first cup of the morning.
This wasn’t the first time in recent memory she’d been the first to wake. Nate used to be the one to be up and ready for the day at 6 a.m. when they had first started living together. Since Shambala, though, things had been a little slow to return back to their original orbit.
Nate slept in until 7 or 8 in the morning now, because he fussed over her before they went to bed. He’d stay awake long enough to make sure she was asleep before him; that way, he could grab her whatever she needed to be more comfortable. If it wasn’t time for bed, he would hover around her nervously and apologetically. Elena appreciated how attentive he was, she really did, but she longed to be out of his reach. Even if it was just for a moment. It had been nearly a year since they’d returned, but Nate treated her as if she could shatter at any moment.
It was suffocating.
“Why is he acting like this?”
Sully looked up from his project, mysteriously guarded. “You know the kid. He was really freaking out back there. Thought you were a goner.” As quickly as he’d looked up, he looked back down at the map and busied himself with drawing overly precisely lines and circles. Elena let the silence thicken for one second, two, three…
“Are you lying to me Sully?”
Sully braced himself against the kitchen table and inhaled deeply, “Nate’s got his issues. We all do. A job like ours, well if you don’t end up shot, someone you know does. The death toll doesn’t always hit home, but sometimes… Sometimes it just does. You’re important to him, ‘lena. He loves you, even if he doesn’t know how to say it yet.” This time he didn’t give her a chance for another attack. With a smile, Sully grabbed his tools for another prospective adventure and vanished from the kitchen.
“Nate, I can go see my editor by myself--”
“It’s fine, I can drive you.”
“Nate--”
“It’s only 45 minutes out of my way!”
“Nate.” Her tone was final and unwavering. He looked at her pleadingly. If she stared at him, unblinkingly, she could swear she saw raw panic rippling through his expression, percolating beneath the facade of his easy smile. “Nate, please,” she said, softer. The fear in his eyes were still there when he handed her the keys to her car and kissed her.
“I’m a call away if you need me.”
She heard herself say sorry, but she doubted it reached his ears before he closed the door behind him.
“Couldn’t sleep?”
Had Elena been more than a sip away from finishing her coffee, she would have dropped the mug and shattered it into a dozen white ceramic pieces. She spun around to see Nate’s amused expression lit by the warm yellow glow of the kitchen light. “Jesus, Nate--”
“Didn’t mean to sneak up on ya. I smelled the coffee and figured that was my cue,” he said easily as he poured himself a cup and lazed against the kitchen counter. Elena smiled tightly and poured herself another cup. “That kind of day, huh?”
“I’m sorry.”
Nate stopped mid-sip at the sudden apology, “What do you--”
“The other day, when I snapped at you… I, look, I know this hasn’t been easy. Seeing me blown to bits--”
“Bit of an exaggeration…”
Both of their jokes fell flat.
Elena put her mug down and placed one arm on his left and another on his right; she trapped him with her body and looked at him squarely. “I’m fine.”
“I know you’re fine--”
“No. You don’t. Nate, it’s been months. The doctor cleared me weeks ago, but I can feel you following me like I’m going to crack at any moment. What’s actually wrong?”
“ Actually ?” He challenged. “You don’t think getting blown up by some psychopath is worth getting worried about?”
Elena had already planned for this. “Nate, focus. I’m the one who got blown up, remember? I’m the one whose life flashed before her eyes up until the moment I woke up in some stranger’s tent.”
Silence.
Elena could see him begin and stop himself from responding with every swallow he took. He looked cornered, but she couldn’t understand why. He had seen her heal; he had been there for each step and stumble she’d taken since the explosion, but it seemed like he didn’t trust himself. Every time she stepped out of a room or left for the office, she could swear she could hear his brain kicking into hyperdrive as it calculated and prepared for every potential danger she could encounter in her day. At first, she found it endearing; romantic almost. Now, she feared that the explosion had triggered something neither of them were ready to handle. “Nate,” she whispered. “Nate, look at me,” she cupped his cheek, gently. Something in the way he looked at her, fragile.
“Whatever happened back there… This isn’t about me, is it?”
He didn’t look at her, “No… Not completely.”
“Nate, I--”
Nate grabbed her hands and cupped them between them. “A kid isn’t born an orphan, you know?” He let out a bitter chuckle.
Elena squeezed his hands with hers. “I know.”
“But you don’t,” he apologized. “I don’t ever want to lose you. Not like them.”
Her eyes started to sting, but Elena forced herself to keep calm. “But you didn’t lose me,” she reasoned softly.
“Barely,” he whispered fiercely. “I saw the light go out of your eyes, Elena. I thought I was going to have to bury you. Do you have any idea… What that would have done to me?”
She leaned against him and crushed his lips with her own, surprising them both with the intensity. Their mouths danced and dipped together with a ferocity that ignited flames in their cores. His hands were underneath her shirt, grazing her taut stomach before balling her shirt in a fist and pulling it over her head. Elena mirrored his action before pulling him flush against her body. She needed him closer, closer than the limits of their skin would permit. “You’re not going to lose me,” she breathed against his neck as he hoisted her around his hips and moved them to the living room. She trailed kisses along his jaw, neck, and shoulder and repeated her promise over and over and over again. She wanted her words to sear his skin, reminders. She needed him to know. Nate ran his cool hands along the length of her back until he found himself nestled between her legs.
The pleasure that surged through her was nameless; for a second, she feared she had lost her sense of sight and hearing. It was amazing, really, how close it was to death.
Before the stars could clear from her vision, Nate was kissing her again. Her lips felt tender from his deft indulgences, but she kissed him with the same desperation. She rolled him onto his back and set every scar and cicatrice aflame with her touch. Her fingers slid under the hem of his sweats and freed him from his cotton constraints quickly. As she felt him glide into her, her eyes locked with his in a hazy state of understanding.
I won’t leave you.
Chests heaving and perspiring in perfect symmetry, Elena could feel the lazy tug of sleep making her eyelids heavy. Beside her, Nate rolled onto his side and placed a hand along the textured abrasions. Elena felt his touch, nothing else. “See?”
“Yeah.”
She turned her head to meet his gaze, “I can’t promise you everything, but I can try, right?”
“I’ll try, too.”
She could feel herself smile as she drifted to sleep.