Chapter Text
On the way back to the dorm he shares with his members, Jimin mulls over his conversation with Taemin. His rambling thoughts better at keeping him sober than any of those convenience store post-drinking (hangover) cures.
Jealousy, Jimin shakes his head at its thought – such a sick and dangerous emotion. He still cannot totally wrap his mind at the idea that such a destructive emotion could permeate his and Taehyung's relationship.
The two are no stranger to petty arguments and silly bickering but even if there were times when they'd go on a whole day without speaking to each other, those still didn't feel too threatening and harmful. What he's feeling now feels a bit too serious and destructive. His mind can’t cope with his feelings and he’s lost in the labyrinth.
Jimin rubs at his growing headache as he stares out the window of the car. The streets of Seoul are still bustling even on a Saturday night or maybe because it is a Saturday night and almost everyone’s looking for reprieve, a good time, as the week ends. They come to an intersection and the car rolls to a stop as the red light blares at them. A couple of teenage boys pass in front of their car, chasing each other to the other side of the street and Jimin is taken on a trip down memory lane.
He recalls all the times when he and Taehyung would chase each other to the nearest convenience store to get some popsicles to cool down after a long day of practice. He smiles at their wayward days when they would sneak out of the dorm to go gaming all night and had all the members grounded. He reminisces the times when they’d run to their park at the crack of dawn to think and talk about their dreams, goals, and choices when things got too tough and uncertainties rolled on them as they saw their youth slowly pass them by.
Jimin feels like those are now just distant memories. With their rise in popularity, their future became a bit more certain and their schedule has become too packed to give way to such seemingly mundane things. More people also recognize them on the streets now that for their own safety, sneaking out is strictly prohibited.
Also as the trending idols, Taehyung, sweet and gregarious Taehyung, has attracted a lot of new friends like bees flocking to honey and now divides his meager free time to meet with them all - with special priority on his Hwarang hyungs, his mind unhelpfully adds.
Looking from outside himself though, Jimin understands why Taehyung enjoys their company. All the hyungs are genuinely good people and have treated Taehyung with both fondness and respect. Jimin knows how nervous and worried Taehyung had been for his first acting stint. He was there with Taehyung when he practiced his lines over and over again and would even video call him on set when he missed out on their group activities. He did what he could to be there for Taehyung during the grueling months of filming but he also knows how important it was for Taehyung to have support and guidance on set.
He has always been grateful to the hyungs for giving those to Taehyung. He is grateful but also feels a bit resentful that he was lacking, that he fell short and couldn’t give and be all those things to his best friend, his brother from another mother, his soulmate, his person, his Taehyung.
His Taehyung... His Taehyungie... His Taetae… His… Jimin repeats as he begins to understand where his conflicting emotions stem from.
Taehyung has always been in a sense, his. They’ve met a time when they were filled with dreams as much as they were of uncertainties – two bumbling teenagers trying to find their identity, their place in the big world. From day one they have stuck with each other, each one finding strength and solace in the other.
They’ve promised each other that they would keep going together for a long time and as each day passed, his apprehensions became Taehyung’s, Taehyung’s peculiarities became his and his laughters became Taehyung’s as much as Taehyung’s sorrows became his. They have been inseparable and as they share everything with each other, the line between their individual selves became blurred.
And now as they get bigger, grow older and experience more of the world, Jimin feels like their own little bubble is slowly bursting and he is unsure of how to cope. Worse, he feels like Taehyung.. his TaeTae is slowly slipping away. He is afraid one day he'll turn around and Taehyung will be too far away from him.
A tear falls at the thought as Jimin realizes that it is from this fear that he started to resent and become jealous of the people that he thinks are taking Taehyung away from him.
"Where did you go?"
Jimin startles as he sees Taehyung rise from the couch, chastising himself for not noticing that the lights were on when he was certain he switched them all off the before he left.
“Ohh.. you're home.. early.." Jimin says glancing at the clock that’s hanging on their living room wall, its two hands indicating that it's only a little past nine.
“Yeah, I told the hyungs I needed to get home early thinking you’d be bored or lonely. I thought you were going to stay in all weekend and didn’t expect that you’d be out.”
“Ohhh.. uhhh.. I’m sorry.. it was sudden.. I didn’t really plan to go out but I guess I got.. bored.”
Jimin toes off his shoes and puts on his house slippers. Picking up his shoes, he intends to head straight to his room but Taehyung seems to have other plans as the latter walks towards him, blocking his way.
“Did you drink?” Taehyung asks as he takes a few sniffs at Jimin.
“Uhhh.. yes just a few bottles of beer..”
“Are you drunk?”
“Uhmm.. no I don’t think so.. just slightly buzzed..”
“How many fingers am I holding up?”
“Taehyung, what - “
“Just answer me, how many fingers am I holding up?”
“Ughh..Three…“ Jimin answers, resigned, not wanting to add to the growing chaos in his mind by figuring out what Taehyung is up to.
“Good”, Taehyung nods as he orders Jimin to balance himself on one foot.
“What?! Taehyung, what are you up to?”
“Just do it.. come on! You’re asking too many questions.”
Not having the energy to argue with Taehyung, Jimin balances himself on one foot easily.
"Okay… good! You’re not drunk.” Satisfied with Jimin passing all his little tests, Taehyung takes a step back and looks at Jimin, his brows furrow in deep concentration as he seems to psych himself up for something.
“I already told you that I am not drunk.. “ Jimin complains as he tries to go around Taehyung so he can head to his room.
Just as he is about to take a step, Taehyung grabs his wrist and drags him down the hall.
“Taehyung, what are you doing?”
“You’re not drunk, nobody is at home.. you can scream or do anything you want.. just don’t throw or trash my computer because I might need to play Overwatch for hours to help me get over this..”
Taehyung declares as he pushes Jimin inside his room, promptly locking it, afraid that the other members would come back soon and interrupt them. Taehyung is not letting this go on one more day, whatever this is, it has to stop.
“What are you saying? I don’t understand.. Are you drunk?” Jimin returns the question to Taehyung.
“Let’s talk.”
“Talk?” Jimin asks dumbly.
“Yes, talk." Taehyung says as he leans his back on the door. The members might not be able to barge in but Jimin seems to be one second away from bolting out the room.
“A-about what?” Jimin inquires although he feels like he knows what they’re supposed to talk about. He’s just not sure if he is up to talking about it now.
“I’m sure you know, Jimin.”
Jimin knows but he is unsure of how to talk about it, scared of what might happen if he tells Taehyung what he feels. He continues to stare blankly at Taehyung instead.
“Jimin please…” Taehyung starts as he reaches out, taking Jimin’s hand in his. ”I know you know what I mean. Let’s stop avoiding it, huh?”
“Taehyung.. I don’t know if I can..”
“Whatever it is, you know you can tell me, please tell me..” As much as Taehyung hates to use this tactic, he says what he knows will make Jimin open up. “…I’ve been losing sleep thinking over what happened, what I could have done wrong for you to be like this.. how can I make things right.. how can I make you feel better…”
Jimin frantically shakes his head as Taehyung speaks..”No! No! Tae.. you didn’t do anything wrong.. please don’t think that way…”
“Then tell me… Jimin please, why? What's happening?” Taehyung beseeches, eyes pleading as he searches Jimin’s face. “You keep telling me there’s nothing wrong but why does it feel like you’ve been avoiding me, keeping something from me? Yes, you don’t treat me differently but why do I still feel like you’re so distant..no, not physically but emotionally and I don’t know.. I’ve just been feeling disconnected from you and I feel like I’m going crazy because you show me one thing but I feel another.. and I feel you, Jimin. I feel you! You know I always feel you and I know you’re going through things and it also feels like I’m at the center of it..and I don’t know what to do. Jimin, please…”
“Taehyung…” Jimin glances away from the face that knows him so well and now reflects the same confusion and pain that he's feeling. It hurts to see Taehyung hurt. It tears him apart to see Taehyung trying so hard to understand, to make things right even if Jimin’s the one causing havoc.
“Taehyung..it’s ahhh.. it’s too petty ..” Jimin begins but his words seem to get stuck in his throat. He swallows and closes his eyes, their memories together flashing before him let’s keep going together for a long time and he holds on to them as he takes the final leap. “..Taemin hyung thinks I’m jealous.. “
“Jealous?” Taehyung repeats, mouth agape, dumbfounded.
“Yes, jealous.” Jimin confirms as he wretches himself away from Taehyung and proceeds to pace around the room. “Of your… your relationship with your Hwarang hyungs.. of how close you guys are.. how you spend most of your free time with them.. how you often chat and talk with them on the phone.. how you..how you easily say.. uhmmm.. I love you to them.. how you seem to enjoy their company so much…more than you do with me it seems..” Jimin adds the last phrase in a small voice, curling into himself at his tirade.
“Jimin, seriously?” Taehyung asks, incredulous at the thought of Jimin getting jealous. “Of all the people in the world, it’s you I last expect to get jealous of my relationship with my Hwarang hyungs.”
“I’m sorry. I know it’s stupid.. I’m sorry for feeling this way and for making things hard for us, for you.. I’ll figure it out and make things right again. We’ll be okay, I promise. We’ll be okay.. Please don’t get mad at me, Tae..” Jimin is frantic as thoughts of his fear fill his mind.
He’s mad at me. Taehyung is mad at me. I’m going to lose him. I’m really going to lose him and I’m not ready.. I can’t. No! I can’t lose him. Not now. Not ever. Taehyungie. My Taehyungie. Why did I have to open my mouth? Why did I have to tell him? I should just have figured things out on my own.. I should have never.. No.. Taehyungie. My Taehyungie..
Amid Jimin’s rambling thoughts, Taehyung suddenly burst out laughing. Confused and a haywire from his inner turmoil, Jimin promptly burst out sobbing in response. Taehyung is upon him in an instant, caging him in a tight embrace, afraid Jimin will flee away from him.
“Jimin, no… I’m sorry.. ahhh I’m so bad at this but please stay.. stay with me please...“ Taehyung begs as he tucks Jimin’s head in the crook of his neck, fingers carding through his hair, soothing – trying to convey what he is still unable to put into words.
They stay that way for a while as Taehyung collects his thoughts, trying to piece together the words he wants to say while Jimin sobs continuously, his fear intermingles with the relief that Taehyung is still here.
“Jimin, remember what you wrote in those notes fans gave us during the fan signs?” After some time, Taehyung speaks.
Knowing neither what Taehyung is referring to nor how to appropriately respond, Jimin remains silent.
“Remember that question..” Taehyung continues, “When is Taehyung the happiest? and that one that asked What is in Taehyung’s head? Remember how you answered them? When is Taehyung the happiest? You said when he’s with me, when I am with you.. also in Taehyung’s head there’s only me as in you, Park Jimin.”
“They did not mean anything. I wrote them down on a whim.” Jimin mumbles from Taehyung’s neck.
“Hmmm.. who said so?” Taehyung looks down at the tuft of hair as a small smile starts to play in the corners of his mouth.
“Huh?”
“Who said so.. That they did not mean anything? Did I ever disagree on them?”
“Huh?” Jimin lifts his face off of Taehyung’s neck, wiping his snot with the back of his hand. He feels like he has cried buckets already but his tears are not letting up yet.
“Did I ever disagree on what you have written down? Did I ever try to disprove any of them?”
Jimin stares dumbly at Taehyung, his mind a jumble of thoughts.
“No, right? “ Taehyung barrels on, smile now full on his lips. “Park Jimin, really. Jealousy.. after everything..”
Unable to understand what the other is getting at, Jimin’s lips wobble as fresh tears start to stream down his face.
“Jimin-ah…” Taehyung takes Jimin’s face in his hands, wiping the tears away with his thumbs. ”I have never disagreed when you said I am happiest when I’m with you. I have never disagreed when you said that in my mind there is only you. I have never disagreed because they’re both true.
You’re the only one I always seek, the first person I thought to share everything with.. from my deepest heartache such as my grandmother’s passing to something as trivial as gaining another level in Overwatch. You’re always at the top of mind.. in everything.. and I am lost when I don’t understand you, when I don’t have you by my side…
The whole time I was with the hyungs earlier, I kept thinking about you – how you were left all alone here and how..how distant you have been from me these past days. I kept on asking myself what I did wrong and how I can make things right again. I never once thought it could be because of jealousy but I don’t take it against you as I realize now I am at fault too…”
Repressed words pour out of Taehyung as he keeps his hands on Jimin’s face – holding him firmly, looking him straight in the eyes and willing him to understand, to feel everything Taehyung feels.
“You know I am not good with words… and you know.. how.. how sometimes we find it difficult to tell the people we care about and love the most how we feel because.. because it feels like no words can ever truly convey how we feel about them.. we just feel too much.. we have this big, big feeling in our heart that no words can ever describe… you are a big, big feeling in my heart, Jimin ah..
Please, you are very important to me, the most precious, always have been, always will be and I’m sorry if I made you feel otherwise by not saying anything.. but I hope everything I am to you shows how I feel for you, how special you are to me.. Jimin, I’m sorry if I made you feel that way. When I told you before I want us to keep going for a long time, I definitely meant it, still mean it. You even said you want us to still be together even when we're grandfathers remember? I want that too..
Jimin-ah, let’s keep going together for a long time.. I only have you..”
Jimin buries himself back in Taehyung’s arms whispering “Taehyungie..My Taehyungie” over and over again. He is beyond overwhelmed at everything Taehyung said and he finds he has no words except to return, “Yes, let’s keep going together for a long time Taehyung-ah, I only have you.”
And somehow that is enough for the two of them.
That night, Jimin sleeps in Taehyung’s bed and yes, amid Taehyung’s loud gaming because “I’m happy Jimin-ah! So happy we’re finally okay! And what better way to celebrate than to play Overwatch or do you want me to call the Hwarang hyungs instead?” eyebrows waggling, Taehyung teases Jimin at which Jimin promptly throws a pillow at him.
“Jimin-ah, hello… Writing you this sincere letter is making me cringe but I am trying to go on. Please understand. Since our trainee days, we came to Seoul without a clue. We woke up, put on school uniforms and attended the same school. We ate together, went to practice and returned to the dorm. Then we talked at night. After 6 years like that, you are now my dearest friend.
Before our debut, you once got anxious about it. At the time, I had a meeting with the company and they asked me what I thought of you being on the team. I thought it over and said that you were there for me through the ups and downs, you were the one who laughed and cried with me. So I said that it would be good if such a good friend could debut with me. It felt good to say that and I was happy to be able to debut with you.
All our good memories made me happy and I am sorry that I am always on the receiving end. When I am in the bathroom crying, you cry with me. You also come to see me at dawn to laugh with me. You care about me and have me in your thoughts. You work hard for me and you understand me. You listen to my concerns and like me even though I am lacking. Let’s walk on a road with happiness.
I love you, buddy
I love you
I love you
I love you
Jimin keeps replaying those words, face breaking out into a silly smile as the words play on loop in his head. I love you.
Night has already fallen and they are now back on land. He is waiting for Taehyung to come out for their nightly stroll along the shores of Hawaii. Not that many people know them here and so they were allowed to go on their own. Jimin is reminded of their younger days when they could still freely go about. He tries not to miss those days too much and makes the most out of each stolen time instead.
“I love you!” Jimin startles, hearing the words on his mind spoken out loud as Taehyung sneaks behind him.
“Yah!” Jimin pretends to chastise Taehyung for sneaking up on him as he tries to hide his smile.
“Jimin-ah..” Taehyung says, taking Jimin’s hand in his own as he leads him down the shore. “I’m sorry it took so long to finally be able to say those things out loud. I’m sorry I relied too much on the fact that you always understand, that you always seem to know what I’m trying to say when my words fail me.”
“Taehyung-ah, it’s okay. I understand and thank you. I know it took a lot from you to say everything.. to say those words and I am truly grateful. It was more than what I could ask for and I am once again reminded of how fortunate I am to have you in my life. Thank you very much, Taetae.. Thank you..” Jimin says as he gathers Taehyung in his arms.
“Just thank you?” Taehyung quips as they separate.
“Huh? Yes, thank you..”
“I love you.” Taehyung repeats hoping that Jimin will finally get the hint.
“Uhhh… yes, I know.. thank you..” Jimin says, playing dumb. Now that the ball is on his court, he understands how hard it is to actually say those words right in the face of the person who matters a lot to you. It feels like opening the Pandora box of everything he has kept inside.
“Come on, let’s go.. it’s almost midnight and the managers might come calling for us soon.” Jimin tugs on Taehyung.
“Jimin, you’re not being fair…” Taehyung pouts as he digs his feet in the sand making it hard for Jimin to drag him.
“Uhhmm I love you too, stupid! Happy?” Jimin says as he runs down the shore.
“Yes! Very happy!” Taehyung beams as he runs after him “but did you really have to add that? And you’re stupid too, you know!”
Taehyung teases Jimin and Jimin hits him playfully as they chase each other down the shore.
“I love you.” Taehyung says looking expectantly at Jimin.
“I… I love you, too.” Jimin says and then hides his face behind his hands.
Taehyung takes a step back.
“I love you.” A finger heart
“I love you.” Another finger heart
“I love you. “ A big heart over Taehyung’s head.
“Ahh this kid! Stop that now!” Jimin complains as he tries to bury his face further behind his hands, cheeks now tinged a deep pink blush that is highlighted by the moonlight.
Taehyung smiles at the adorable sight, enamored by the sight of Jimin. Jimin really is the cutest. Only a few things can fluster Park Jimin and surprisingly even as the most affectionate member, being showered by affection, especially excessive display of it, is on top of them.
Taehyung pulls Jimin’s hands off his face only to replace it with his own. Slowly, he brings Jimin’s face up and looks straight into his eyes.
“I love you and I want us to keep going for a long time. Never ever doubt that.”
Jimin’s face lights up, his misty eyes reflecting galaxies and Taehyung sees his universe in those eyes – boundless, timeless, infinite.
Hand in hand, they walk down the shore, talking about anything and everything. Some words fall easily off of their lips, some take more than a dose of courage. With every spoken and every concealed line though, they know and are assured, that whatever happens, they’ll always have each other for a long time.