Chapter Text
You're going to do it.
You have to.
You've been wanting to do it for an entire week now.
Clarke smiles at you and you feel your tummy flip and you bite the inside of your cheek really hard so that you don't chicken out.
Your big sister calls you a chicken all. The. Time. And you don't want to be a chicken. Not with Clarke.
“Hey, Clarke?” You say, but she's so consumed by her drawing of what you think is the best picture ever even though you have no idea what it is that you just wait.
And wait.
And then, suddenly, it's recess and Ms. Indra is telling you to put your jackets on and you missed your chance.
“Come on, Lexa!” She says excitedly, her blue eyes wide in excitement. “If we don't go now then John's gonna get to the slide first and he's not gonna share!”
“No way!” You exclaim.
She let's go of your hand for a split second to shove her arm inside her jacket, and you think you feel sad because your hand is cold now.
She grabs your fingers again, giving you that look, which you know is her asking if it's okay and you nod because, obviously , but you also know that's it's not always obvious and sometimes it's not okay.
Because your mom tells you that people are allowed to change their minds.
But, it's okay with Clarke.
She smiles really big and you smile back just as big and she wiggles her front tooth with her tongue because it's wiggly now, and you wonder when she's going to lose it and if she's going to lose her 's’ sounds like you did too.
You pout at that because you have an 's’ sound in your name and you like it when she says your name, so you cross the fingers on your other hand while she's pulling you out of the door to get to the slide first.
Clarke tugs on your hand again and you shake your head to clear your thoughts.
You see John Murphy from the corner of your eye. He's talking to Bellamy from second grade and you're wondering when they even became friends because John is so gross and Bellamy is so much older and bigger than you both. And then you remember that Bellamy has a little sister Octavia and she only does half days and it makes sense because John probably knows him because they all take the bus together.
John sees you looking at him and he makes a stupid face and then suddenly he's sprinting so fast to the slides. You know that Clarke isn't as fast as John, but you might be if you try to move your legs really, really fast.
“Clarke,” you say, and she looks back at you and then to where you're looking.
You hear her gasp loudly because she knows she’s not going to beat John, so she does the smartest and worst thing possible.
She lets go of your hand.
You'd rather not play at all if she's not going to hold your hand.
You can feel the pout forming on your lips and Clarke is looking at your mouth again and your ears are ringing and your eyes hurt a little, but she looks panicked and scared so you tuck in your bottom lip.
“Go! You can beat him! I’ll meet you there!” She yells, frantically waving her hands in the air and you nod once before looking for John again.
You know you're going to have to run faster than you've ever run before if you want to get to the slide.
You’re not even sure why you want to get to the slide, but Clarke wants it, and John isn’t nice to either of you so you just know that you need to get to the slide for Clarke.
You start to pump your legs faster and faster, and it starts to burn and your lungs are getting tight and unhappy, but you’re so close to the slide that you keep running anyway.
You and John are almost neck and neck.
Mr. Thelonious is blowing his whistle because you know you’re not really allowed to run during recess, but he’s the only one that has that rule and you ignore him anyway.
“John Murphy I need to see you walking!” Mr. Thelonious bellows, and you see John stop in his tracks. He kicks the dirt underneath his feet because he was so close to beating you. Not really, because you’re the fastest runner in the class, which you found out in gym class that one day Ms. Indra took you there, but John was close, considering he got a head start and you had to talk to Clarke.
You touch the post of the slide first and spin around, sticking your tongue out at John Murphy while he scrunches up his face angrily. He gives you the middle finger which you’re still so angry about because even Anya doesn’t give you the middle finger anymore since your mom told her that it was really mean and it meant not nice things. And Anya’s your big sister and most of the time she thinks you’re annoying so you know she always wants to give you the middle finger, especially when you talk about Clarke. She teases you and tells you that she’s your girlfriend, and you agree with her because yes, Clarke is a girl, and yes, Clarke is your friend, so you don’t understand why Anya rolls her eyes at you when you say “yes” back the way she says “girlfriend”, lingering on the vowels and drawing out the word.
You hear a high pitched cheer and you look around and see Clarke jumping up and down where she is, her jacket swallowing her really happy face every time she leaves the ground. She runs over to you and you think that you like watching her run more than running itself because now that you ran and you’re looking at her, your heart is beating funny and your tummy feels full of butterflies again.
When she finally gets over to you, you’re already smiling because she’s already smiling and she’s still jumping and talking and you don’t know what she’s saying because she's so excited.
“You’re so fast !” she says, taking your hand with her own again.
Your heart beats funny one last time and you smile really big, and then your face suddenly feels hot because Clarke is looking at you like a winner .
*
You can’t stop smiling. It’s been hours since you and Clarke won the slide, and your favourite part of the entire recess has been hearing Clarke shriek with happiness as she slides down the metal slide. Her shrieks are almost drowned out by the squeaking of the metal, but Clarke is Clarke and you always hear her voice no matter what.
You’ve been nice and let Monty and Jasper slide down the slide with you, too, because they’re really nice to Clarke, and Jasper always gives you half his cookie. He’s kind of weird -- really tall, and always wearing his dad’s Snowboarding goggles on his head, but you think it's because he misses him when he’s not at home, and he’s always tripping at recess, but he’s nice to Clarke. Monty is tiny and you like Monty because he’s just nice to everyone. He always gives you a high five when you see him in the morning, and he talks about things that you don’t understand, but you saw him help Raven walk down the stairs when she broke her leg so you know that he’s a nice person, so you let them share the slide.
“Lexa! Come on! Slide!” Clarke yells from the bottom of the slide. She’s jumping around again and your heart feels fuzzy and you can’t stop yourself from smiling at her.
“We can’t both slide, Clarke!” you yell back, pointing over her shoulder at John Murphy and Bellamy both lingering by the bottom of the playground.
“You’re so fast, though! They won’t get there! And Jasper is gonna watch it!” she reasons.
“But Jasper is unre -- unre --” you scrunch your nose, trying to remember the word your big sister taught you, “He’s unre-wireable.” You smile at Clarke, toothless and happy, and she squints her eyes as she makes a face.
“That’s not a real word, is it?”
You shrug. “Anya says it all the time. It means we can’t trust him.”
“I trust him!” She yells. When you still don’t move, she pouts and kicks the gravel and you feel your heart being torn in half. “Just slide!”
You look over at Jasper, who is sporting a sleepy grin, his goggles falling down into his eyes, so you huff out in frustration and grip the sides of the slide.
Because, Clarke asked you to slide.
The wind in your face is cold as you careen down the slide, and you can't stop the excited ‘whoop’ that leaves your lips as you travel at the speed of light.
It really is the best feeling ever.
Clarke claps and jumps excitedly when you get to the bottom, and squeezes your hand twice when she wraps her fingers around yours.
You hear shouting and scuffling, and you turn pushing Clarke behind you slightly for protection. Your eyes dart up to the top of the slide and you see Jasper and Monty both crying with their head’s tucked into their knees and Bellamy Blake standing at the top of the slide with John Murphy and smirking at you.
“Losers!” he yells down, pointing at you and Clarke. “This slide is ours now.”
“You’re mean , Bellamy!” Clarke shouts back.
He rolls his eyes, says something to John Murphy and slides down the slide, coming to a rest at your feet.
He towers over you when he stands. “What are you going to do about it?” He sneers at you.
“Give it back!” Clarke yells. You push her back a little further so that she doesn’t get too close.
He turns his scowl into a smile when he looks at Clarke. “You can come slide with us, Princess.”
“Don’t call me that, Bellamy.”
“Oh, come on. Whatever. You can come play with us,” he offers again.
“And what about Lexa?” Clarke asks, reaching forward to grip onto my hand.
“What about Lexa? I don’t like Lexa. I like you , Clarke. You can come slide with us.”
“I’m not going if Lexa isn’t invited,” she protests.
You let out a sigh and feel a cold wave of hurt wash over you. “It’s okay if you wanna go, Clarke,” you say. “Bellamy is your friend.”
“He is not. Not if he’s gonna be like that.”
“We are friends ! ” Bellamy whines. “I came to your birthday party last year.”
“That was only because my mom invited Octavia.”
Bellamy frowns and reaches forward to grab Clarke by her arm. You push at his chest when he gets too close.
He rolls his eyes and pushes you hard. So hard that you fall backwards into Clarke.
Your ears ring and your face feels that tingly kind of angry like it did when John Murphy put his hands on Clarke. You right yourself and stare up at Bellamy’s smug face and yell, “You don’t get to put your hands on people if they don’t want it!” It doesn’t do much when you push him again, with the puffy jacket he’s wearing, but you just needed to get your anger out, because people keep putting hands on your friend when she doesn’t want it and you don’t understand why they don’t understand that that’s not okay.
Bellamy punches you in the chest and you crumple down onto the floor, the breath being knocked out of you.
You don’t want to cry in front of him because he’s just a bully but you can’t help it when Clarke is looking so scared and worried about you. You think you’re in much more pain just by the way she looks at you. Before you can blink away the tears, a big shadow comes and knocks Bellamy over.
“You’re not allowed to touch people if they don’t want it!” A low, gravelly growl comes out from the shadow.
You blink five times in a row and wipe at the tears that are threatening to spill again.
Lincoln, who is also in second grade with Bellamy, but so much bigger than him, looms over his fallen classmate.
“What’s your problem ?” Bellamy screeches, rubbing his tummy where Lincoln hit him.
Clarke is already at your side and pulling you up to your feet. Her hands are lingering over your chest, and you nod once to let her know you're okay. You’re busy fighting back the quivering of your chin, and Clarke places her hand softly against your chest where Bellamy hit you.
Your heart beats hard, but your breathing slows and you don't feel anything but the warmth of her hand anymore.
“Mr. Jaha told you already that you can’t just touch people!” Lincoln yells in Bellamy’s face.
Bellamy scrambles to his feet and sticks his hands in his pocket as his giant of a classmate glares at him.
“You need to apologize to them,” he growls, pointing over to you and Clarke. “And you need to give them back the slide. Or I’m telling Mr. Jaha and you’re gonna get detention again. ”
Bellamy opens his mouth to protest, but Lincoln grabs his puffy coat by the collar, and Bellamy let's out a squeak. His face turns bright red when Clarke laughs at him.
“I’m sorry,” he grumbles. Lincoln finally releases him, and Bellamy scuffs the ground with his toe before he runs off.
“Thank you, Lincoln,” Clarke says quietly while she squeezes your hand. She knows you’re embarrassed and you won’t look at her or Lincoln now, so she tries to comfort you by doing all the talking. “Bellamy is a big meanie.”
Lincoln laughs. “Is she okay?”
Clarke squeezes your hand and you squeeze back twice. “Yeah, she’s okay.”
“Okay, see you guys later. If you wanna play kickball with me sometime I’m okay with that.”
“Thank you,” Clarke says happily.
Clarke pulls you by the hand all the way up the slide. Jasper and Monty still have their heads tucked into their knees, and she jostles them to let them know it's safe.
Jasper woots loudly before he jumps face first down the slide, and Monty bashfully slides down after him.
“Are you okay?” Clarke asks you, because you still haven't said anything yet.
You chew on your bottom lip and she watches the movement quite intently and you wonder why she always watches your lips so much.
You nod once and force a smile, but Clarke frowns at it.
She stares at you for a long moment and you aren't sure if you're going to cry again or smile so you stay really still and just think.
“Can I hug you?” she asks suddenly, looking at you with the most curious look.
You didn’t realize you were holding your breath that whole time.
You want Clarke to hug you.
That’s what you were gonna ask her today.
“I know you’re not supposed to touch people if they don’t want it and I want to hug you because you won the race and you’re my bestest best friend and that’s what I see my parents do when they celebrate things. And my mommy always says that daddy is her best friend! Well, they also kiss, too, but kissing is gross and we’re not mommies, but maybe one day when we’re mommies we can do that, but it’s probably still gonna be gross. But they hug when they’re happy, and they also hug when one of them is sad, and you were happy earlier and I didn't hug you, and you’re sad now and I want to hug you, so,” she breathes in deeply, “Can I hug you?”
You nod three times, big, exaggerated movements because you really want her to hug you. Just the thought alone makes your heart beat really fast , but you think it's because your chest still hurts from where Bellamy hit you.
Clarke lunges at you and wraps her arms around you as tightly as she can with both of your jackets on.
Her hair gets in your mouth but you don't mind because she smells like gumdrops and rain, and the skin of her cheek is really warm against your cheek.
Your face feels warm, and then the rest of your body feels warm, too. And tingly.
But, the good kind of tingly.
The tingly you feel when you beat Anya at snakes and ladders; or the tingly you feel when your mommy sings to you and tells you how much she loves you; or the tingly you feel when you watch your favouritest movie.
You wrap your arms around Clarke and squeeze her just as tightly and she sighs into your hair and you think that she’s just as happy.
“Do you feel better?” Clarke asks when she pulls back, her blue eyes searching your entire face for an answer.
You smile a toothless smile. “Yes.”
She beams at you, wiggles her loose tooth, and takes your hand again as she jumps happily on the spot.
The bell goes to signal the end of recess and the pain in your chest is gone, even though the thudding of your heart hasn’t slowed one bit since you ran all the way to the slide. Now, your chest just feels warm, and when you look down at Clarke’s hand in yours, your entire body feels warm, too.