Chapter Text
Magnus felt nervous where this conversation was going to go, a lot had happened since they came in contact with one another and it just felt like it could maybe be too heavy to form a relationship with all this information, but he couldn’t deny his feelings any longer. He had never felt like this before, with no one, he felt like he could trust Alec with his heart and he wouldn’t go and break it. Magnus looked at the man who he was following to the couch and couldn’t help but smile. What was he even thinking? Of course he wanted to be with Alec, more than anything. He loved him with whole his heart and beyond that. It physically hurt to be apart from him. Alec sat down on one side of the couch and Magnus occupied the other side. They looked at each other with a certain hope in their eyes. ‘Let’s have the conversation that would be too important to skip.’
“Are you sure you want to do this, right now?” Magnus asked with a tremor in his voice.
“Why not?” Alec said honestly, because when was he not?
“Well considering what happened these past couple of hours, are you ready to have a serious conversation? ” Magnus replied with a stern look in his eyes.
“Are you?” Alec asked back.
“Could you not reply my question with questions of your own?” Magnus chuckled.
“Okay fine. I know that if we don’t do this now, that we’ll just try to push it further away. What are we waiting for Magnus? I’m ready to talk.”
“You’re not too tired?”
“No.”
“Then we talk.” Magnus grabbed Alec’s hand softly in his and turned his body to look Alec straight in the eye.
“So where do we start, should we avoid certain topics?” Alec asked seriously.
“I don’t know, should we? I just want to be honest with you.”
“Me too.”
“Do you want to start, or should I?” Magnus asked.
“I’ll start,” Alec took a deep breath. “I love you, Magnus. I do so much and ever since we met I just can’t stop thinking about you. I was so fascinated by you and who you were and I never felt more sorry than I did when I judged you before getting to know you. I was so wrong, god Magnus, I was so wrong about everything. And I will never not be thankful for you giving me a second chance, because I got to meet this sweet, caring, strong and wonderful guy that I’ve given my heart to. I know we haven’t really had the best circumstances when it comes to our personal lives, but I’ll gladly take all the mess if it means that I’ll get to be with you. And the time we’ve spend together was incredible to me and then this week happened and everything changed. Everything started to become even messier and I was so confused. This week may have been a total chaos in my mind, but one thing is crystal clear to me, Magnus. I want to be with you, I do. And I think it’s time that we stop running in circles.”
“I know,” Magnus sighed heavily and started to nervously caress Alec’s hand with his fingers. “I don’t know what I should say…” Magnus admitted as he refused to look Alec in the eye, not really sure why.
“Well, how about this. Where do you see this going?” Alec asked, hand rubbing his neck carefully in a way Magnus was oh so familiar with. “Where do you see us going?” he reframed the question.
“Honestly?” Magnus whispered almost too soft, but when Alec nodded he realized he heard. “I don’t think there will be a future without you in it, a future where we’re apart. I need you in my life, Magnus. So to answer your question, I want to be with you for as long as you’ll have me.”
“How does forever sound?” Alec suggested when he knew Magnus felt still a little insecure.
“Just right,” Magnus smiled.
“See, that was a great beginning right?” Alec teased.
“Beginning? I’m pretty sure we’re already halfway through our relationship. We kind of skipped a few steps along the way.…” Magnus chuckled as he thought of all the moments they had already shared. “You’ve found out more about me than anybody else has. You know more insecurities, secrets and weird stuff about me than anybody else,” Magnus looked into those beautiful hazels and caressed the soft porcelain skin of Alec’s cheek. He smiled with a hint of worry and sadness in his eyes, but hoped Alec wouldn’t notice. “Still want to date a high maintenance celebrity that is being haunted by his past, that will probably be nothing but trouble and can be really annoying?”
“Still want to date an overly anxious detective who is still struggling with his mental health and doesn’t really know how to show his feelings?” Magnus glared at him with no real heat in his eyes, just a little fondness.
“Magnus Bane, it would be an honour to date the kindest, sweetest, bravest, funniest and most beautiful man out there. I will never look at you the way you’ve described, you are not that person, you are so much more. We are much more than that. If you believe it or not,” Alec said determined.
“I want to believe it,” Magnus whispered mostly to himself than to Alec in particular.
“Good.”
“Btw you’re pretty good at showing your feelings just now…How have you become so confident in our relationship anyway?” Magnus questioned with a smile in his voice.
“I know that I’ve not always been this sure about us, but lately I just can’t seem to picture myself with anyone except you. I can’t hide this anymore and I don’t want to. I realized I want to be with you, so here I am,” Alec squeezed Magnus’ hand a little tighter as he said those words.
“I want to be with you too,” Magnus smiled shyly. “But I just need to know that you’re not focusing all of your attention on us right now because you don’t want to think about something else.”
“Maybe that has a little to do with it….” Alec admitted ashamed. “But we need to sort this… us… out. We’ve needed this conversation for so long. I just need to know where I stand with you.” Alec gestured between the two of them as he spoke, not aware that his other hand was rubbing the back of Magnus’ hand softly. And Magnus would be lying if he said that that didn’t make him melt inside.
“You stand on the highest of pedestals for me, Alexander,” he admitted softly. “But it’s not always as easy as it is right now. Some things will get difficult between us and I’m not sure if you or rather I can handle that.”
Alec groaned loudly at the heavy subject yet again, but Magnus just needed to know. He needed to know that if something were to happen, Alec wouldn’t bold. He already knew the answer, but he just needed to hear it with his own two ears.
“You know I was going to bring this up,” Magnus said softly, not wanting to irritate Alec even further.
Alec sighed deeply and turned his body wholly to Magnus, one leg under the other as he stared Magnus down. “I can promise you that we can handle anything that comes our way, just look at what we’ve already been through.”
“But what about the press, Alec.”
“Didn’t realize they had a vote in this relationship.”
“They don’t, but they do have influence. You’ve pulled away from me before because of them,” Magnus explained.
“I’ll learn to deal with them,” Alec simply stated.
“But what if you can’t, they can be ruthless.”
“I think I’ll be alright as long as I’m with you.”
“It’s not as easy.”
“I love you.”
“What if that’s not enough?”
“I love you.”
“Alexander, please. Just focus.”
“I am. I want this and I’m not going to let anyone take this from me. I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life and now that I’m finally able to admit everything to you, I’m not turning back. I’m here to stay. I’m not leaving,” Alec finished stern and seemed to have finally shut Magnus and his doubts up.
“Are you really sure?” Magnus asked just to be certain.
“Yes, Magnus I’m sure. We don’t have to tell the press yet if you don’t want to or if you’re not sure about it.”
“That’s not it, I just don’t want them to be involved this early on. What if you decide that I’m not worth it because of it?” There it was, Magnus thought. His insecurities and doubts ruining everything again, but he hoped that somehow Alec would reassure him just like he had done so many times already.
“I thought we already accomplished that that was not the case. And would never be the case. I’m not dating you because of your fame, and I’m not going to leave you because of it. I promise you that I will never leave you alone, Magnus. But you have to do something for me too,” Alec’s voice was still stern, but it had a softer edge to it than before.
“What is it?” Magnus asked.
“Just let me love you,” he simply said, as if he hadn’t said the sweetest thing ever. Magnus felt his heart swell up and his eyes tear up. Alec was really in it for real, even after everything that they went through. It just felt so unrealistic, Magnus never had this kind of validation, loyalty or love for that matter. He never felt it and now that he did, it just didn’t make sense. But maybe love just didn’t make sense, did it? Alec was in love with him, and he was in love with Alec and that’s all that mattered to him in that moment, and hopefully for a long time.
“I’m going to say something to you, that I’ve been so scared of and have been avoiding. But I just wanna say it, and I want you to hear it,” Magnus took a deep breath and blurted it out before he could think twice about it “Alexander, I love you.” Alec’s face beamed as he heard the words come out of Magnus’ mouth. He slowly leaned in, giving Magnus the chance to pull away, just in case Magnus didn’t want to, but pressed his lips against Magnus’ when he gave him an encouraging nod. The kiss was sweet and caring, and oh so good. It was just right.
“So when are we going on a date?” Magnus asked when Alec pulled away, their foreheads pressed against one another.
“I don’t think you’ve asked, yet,” Alec said with a cheeky smile as he leaned back.
“Oh?”
“But how about tomorrow, I’m not doing much,” he joked.
“I thought I hadn’t asked, yet. Maybe I don’t wanna go on a date with you anymore,” Magnus tried to play off.
“You asked and you can’t return that. You can’t get rid of me anymore, Bane,” Alec teased with the biggest smile on his face.
“I’m okay with that,” Magnus looked at Alec with the truest smiles one could muster.
“But you should ask, just to be certain..” Alec teased as Magnus rolled his eyes at him.
“Then here by I ask you, Alexander Gideon Lightwood, will you go on a date with me?”
“How did you get my middle name?” Alec asked shocked.
“Some fairy might have told me, but answer the question.”
“Yes, Magnus Bane. I will go on a date with you.”
“I love you, Alexander Gideon Lightwood,” Magnus leaned in a little closer.
“I love you too, Magnus ‘you don’t have a middle name?’ Bane.”
“I indeed do not have a middle name.” Alec chuckled and slowly but surely brushed his lips against Magnus’. Feeling really giddy as he couldn’t help the smile that still graced his lips, which made the kissing part a little more difficult.
***
Alec couldn’t help yawning when his tiredness was finally hitting him again and Magnus chuckled as he looked ashamed afterwards.
“I’m not boring you, am I?” Magnus asked with a smirk.
“No, just what you said before, a little tired,” Alec mumbled as he rubbed his face with his hand. “Do you want to lay down with me?” Alec asked innocently.
“Sure.” Magnus moved over, laid down on the couch and gestured for Alec to lay on top of him.
“Uhm… can I.. will you..” Alec stammered.
“What?” Magnus whispered.
“Will you lay on top of me? I just need you to ground me a little bit and some weight helps..”
“Sure,” Magnus replied and stood up from the couch. He waited until Alec was comfortably laying and then slowly lowered himself onto the boy, careful of crushing him.
“I’m not too heavy, am I?” Magnus questioned concerned when he heard Alec groan a little.
“No, actually you’re just right.”
“Sweet talker,” Magnus chuckled and laid his head on Alec’s chest, softly listening to his heartbeats. They were a little uneven, Magnus noticed, but nothing concerning. Alec wrapped his arms tightly around Magnus’ torso, to hold him even closer to himself.
“This feels nice,” he commented with a smile.
“Sure does,” Magnus smiled. “Does it help?”
“A little, I just needed someone to push against me. It’s weird I know, but sometimes when I feel like this I just need some weight on top of me.”
“It’s not weird, whatever you need Alexander.”
“Thanks,” Alec muttered and pressed a kiss against Magnus’ hairline. “I’m just going to close my eyes for a little bit here.”
“Sleep tight dear.”
“Don’t go, okay?”
“I won’t go anywhere. I promise,” Magnus whispered when he pressed a kiss over Alec’s heart.
***
They’ve been laying like this for over 2 hours and Magnus would be lying if he said he was still comfortable. Cause his neck was aching, his muscles were hurting and his back was stiff. But everything for Alec. He would do about anything for him, if it meant that he could look at his sleeping face. It just felt so peaceful. His eyes were fluttering sometimes, as if he was dreaming, he breathed out a few puffs here and there and Magnus couldn’t help but chuckle when Alec snored softly. He was just about the cutest thing ever and Magnus couldn’t take his eyes off of him. Alec slowly started moving when Magnus was running his hand through his hair softly. Alec started to make a little noise and Magnus stilled his movement, but it was already too late, because a few seconds later those beautiful hazels were staring back at him.
“Hi,” he sleepily spoke.
“Hi, good nap?” Magnus asked.
“Felt great,” Alec moved a little and took Magnus with him as he snuggled further into the man. “Especially with you here.”
“Well good, that’s what I’m for, I guess..” Magnus chuckled.
Alec shook his head softly as he starting waking up more and more. His sleepy eyes started looking for something.
“Have you seen my phone? I need to text Maia and Izzy.”
“I think it’s on the kitchen table,” Magnus replied.
“Oh.”
“Do you absolutely need to text them?” he asked.
“Well no, but I thought I might,” Alec said. “I just wanted to let Izzy know that I’m okay and tell Maia that I’ve talked to Claire.”
“I already talked to Izzy and she knows, so you don’t have to worry about her.”
“Okay, still need to text Maia though.”
“Hmm.. but I’m comfortable,” Magnus whined.
“Okay, I guess it can wait,” Alec gave in.
“How did your talk with Claire go, anyway?” Magnus questioned curiously. “I don’t want to pry, but…”
“It was difficult, I’m not going to lie. But I’m okay.”
Magnus raised his eyebrows as to say ‘really?’
“Really. She said some very true things and I just needed to have some perspective. She basically just talked about her look on things and I needed that, I guess. It made me realize why I do what I do and why I actually had to step back. She said I helped her so much these last months and that she is so grateful for that.”
“That’s so great, Alexander. I’m so proud of you. Like you’ve grown these past months so much and I loved having you with me every second. Just the fact that you admitted to needing help, is already so brave. And boy did I underestimate you when we first met.”
“Have I redeemed myself?” Alec asked all of the sudden.
“What?”
“Did I prove to you that I'm not that guy? Like I promised I would?” he continued.
“Definitely. You're so much better than I could ever imagine, Alexander. There are literally no words,” Magnus sighed honestly.
“Well, that’s good, right?”
“The absolute best,” Magnus chuckled as he pressed a kiss against Alec’s chest.
They were both silent after that, thinking about their time together and how much they’ve actually changed because of it. The moment felt peaceful as they could only hear each other’s breathing and their hearts softly beating, with a little bit of wind coming through the open window.
“It is going to be okay, right?” Alec suddenly asked. “I’m going to be okay, right? I’m not going to be broken forever, right?”
“You’re not broken, Alexander,” Magnus shook his head and moved up a little so he was looking Alec in his eyes. “We’re both not broken, we just need some help getting back on our feet. But I’ll make sure that we’re going to be okay.”
“Okay,” Alec nodded. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
Magnus turned his head a little so he could give Alec a kiss. Alec happily obliged as he even hummed into the kiss.
After they broke it off, Magnus tried to reach the coffee table without moving, with no success.
“Can you reach for my phone, sweetheart?” Magnus batted his eyelashes at Alec in an innocent manner.
“What, you can have your phone and I can’t?” Alec said with a smirk.
“Yes,” Magnus cut him off. “Now give it to me!” Alec laughed as Magnus begun reaching for it, but still not being able to reach it.
“I need to tell Ragnor about this!” he whined.
“Ohhhh, you need to tell Ragnor. If you would’ve told me earlier I would’ve grabbed it for you,” Alec sarcastically said. Magnus pouted as he pushes softly against Alec’s chest.
“Fine, you can have your phone.” Magnus beamed at his words. “If I can get a kiss.”
“You only have to ask, baby,” Magnus smirked. Alec turned a little rosy around the cheeks, but smiled nonetheless. Magnus leaned down again and gave Alec a sweet peck. Alec smiled after Magnus pulled away and grabbed Magnus’ phone from the table.
“Here you go.”
“Thank you, darling.” Magnus started moving a little too harshly and Alec yelped as Magnus accidentally hit him in the shin.
“Sorry,” Magnus quickly said.
“You’re getting too heavy,” Alec grumbled.
“I thought I was just right…” Magnus commented.
“That was two hours ago,” Alec moaned too dramatically, but Magnus moved off of him.
“Fine,” Magnus muttered sarcastically.
Magnus grabbed the phone and went to text Ragnor
Magnus
You want to know what happened? We finally got our heads out of our asses
15:05
Ragnor
Finally! Thought you dumbasses never would
15:10
Magnus smiled at the typical text from his friend.
“You’ve been doing okay, right?” Alec asked suddenly when Magnus was sat on the other side of the couch.
“What do you mean, darling?” he replied after putting his phone away.
“I know we’ve been focusing on me for a while, but I just need to know if you’re okay too..”
“I’m better than I’ve ever felt before, I can promise you that.”
“Well good. If you want to talk..”
“I know,” Magnus nodded and reached over to entwine Alec’s fingers with his. “Thank you.” Magnus brought up Alec’s hand and pressed a lingering kiss to Alec’s slender fingers.
“What do you want to do?” Alec begun. “Besides hang out on the couch of course.”
“Hmm… that is a good question. We could watch a movie.”
“A Disney movie?” Alec replied with a hopeful glint in his eyes.
“Definitely.”
After a while they finished the movie and Magnus looked down at the heavy weight on his lap. Alec had fallen asleep again, it seemed, his nose was a little scrunched up and his hair was a dishevelled mess. Magnus giggled as he combed his hand through Alec’s soft hair. He couldn’t believe that this was real, that this would actually be his life. Waking up with Alec every morning, kissing him whenever he felt like it, hugging each other for comfort or just casually touching the other. He couldn’t dream of anything else, Alec really was it for him… he never felt as happy as he felt in that moment. The silent moment was disturbed by Magnus’ phone that buzzed. He looked at it and saw that it was an notification from Twitter. He wouldn’t admit this to Alec, but he had reinstalled it. He just had to. He could handle all the negative opinions as long as he also had the positive ones. Magnus looked at Alec’s sleeping form before he opened the notification. It wasn’t a mean message or a negative opinion. It was just a question.
FlowerBane: I’ve been really curious when @magnusbane will return, I miss him and his funny messages or comments. I miss his smile and his laugh, I miss his photography and his updates on the show. I just really miss him. Do y’all think he’ll come back??
Magnus tensed and felt his stomach drop as he read the message, his fans missed him, something that he wouldn’t expect. He hadn’t even given them an explanation yet... which they obviously deserved.
He felt the need to reply, he needed to reply. He had wanted to put out a statement for his fans because he owed them an update or just a message. So he opened the cheesy notes app and typed away. He just needed to do this for himself, not for the rumours or his reputation or the show, but for himself and his fans.
@MagnusBane : I told myself that I wouldn’t be one of those celebrities that would care about what anyone were to think of them, that I could just ignore everything said about me. That I could just live in the moment and not think about my past mistakes. But I realized that that is not realistic, that that is not who I am or who I’m going to be. I care what people think and that isn’t the worst thing, that just makes me human. It makes the things I stand for and the things I care about real. I wasn’t real before, not with all of you at least, because I haven’t been telling you the truth. Before I get into it I want to address some stuff first.
First off, I want to talk about my absence of social media as many of you may have noticed. The last few days have been maybe the worst days of my life and I don’t think I’ve ever had a week this bad, so I had to distance myself a little bit to make me see things clearer. I had some stuff going on between me and one of my closest friends, he wasn’t doing really well and it just really affected me. More than I was willing to admit. Luckily we talked everything through, but I knew he still wasn’t alright.
Then there was this whole thing with E!news and the comments I’ve received this week have been nothing but hateful and spiteful to me and it almost broke me. Almost. It brought things back that I thought I’d hidden. You guys know I have not been very vocal about my past, but I just have to be right now. Especially if it can help someone out there. So here it goes: I’ve struggled with depression for a long long time, because of reasons I’m not willing to admit yet, and after years I could feel it was crawling back to me. The sad thing is that I know for a fact that if I didn’t have the people I surround myself with, I wouldn’t ever have survived. I just wouldn’t. I’m not telling you guys this to pity me or to feel sympathy, I’m not. I’m just finally being real with you, about something I should’ve been a long time ago. If you still want to hate me or don’t like me or even hate me then go ahead, I won’t stop you, but just know that it won’t do any of us any good.
Now about the rumours that have been circling around. I didn’t want to comment about them, because I’m sick of defending myself for things that I haven’t done and I’m sick of having to explain every step I make. Cancel culture is toxic, there I said it. This might surprise some people out there, but people can change! People grow and learn new things along the way, that is literally what humanity and life is about. If you made a mistake, you’ll learn from it and move on. That is how it works. I agree that if some celebrities or people in general don’t learn from it, you can be upset and mad at them, but don’t throw away someone that is willing to learn. I understand if you don’t like me for who I was or something I said, but if you’re not willing to even look further into my life or who I am or what I stand for, then I don’t want your support.
About the interview, I wanted to tell you guys what happened, but what good does it do? I’ll just be trying to get some of the heat off of me and I’ll feel like I’m throwing someone else under the bus. But I just want to say this: the video that has been shared, retweeted, liked of me and Isabelle on E!news was altered and not what really happened. Now I’m not willing to say anything more, but just don’t believe everything you see. Don’t believe all the pictures, stories or apparently interviews, because things will be altered to someone’s beliefs or perspective. But I think our lives would be a whole lot better if we all tried to focus a little less on the negative and a little more on the positive, because I promise you, you’ll feel a whole lot better if you do. Hate comments only make the one’s writing it angry, the one reading it upset and the one it’s directed at hurt. So please consider the things you say online.
I promise you that there is a point I’m trying to make, but I just felt like I should at least say something about certain topics in this long long message. I know it is long and probably half of you guys already stopped reading it, but I just want everybody to know that if you are struggling with your mental health or with anything at all, you will be okay. Please just talk about it and if necessary try to seek out help. Just seek out anyone that will listen and is there for you. Because although I’ve had a fucking horrible week, where I slipped back into my depression a little bit, I still made it out. And you can too. I was just very lucky to have a person in my life that made the sun shine when all I could see was rain. That made the dark angry clouds in my head, nothing but bright and clear sky. That made me realize I am more than what people think, expect and want from me. The person who would hold my hand when I was too scared or comfort me when I was at my lowest, the person that made me realize my worth. I am my own person, with my own thoughts, my own personality and my own insecurities. I may seem like I don’t care, but I can promise you that I care about your opinions. A little too much. But from now on, I don’t want to anymore. So talk about me all you want, paint me in a wrong light, say horrible things about me. I won’t care! Because he will always tell me otherwise, and I’d rather listen to him.
And for next time: don’t believe everything you read online about a person, they can be completely different. So, don’t judge a book by its cover! Promise me you'll do better.
Love you all,
Magnus.
Yeah, he thought as he looked back at the sleeping man in his lap, he would be okay. And for the first time, in well... forever, he actually meant it.