Chapter Text
“Let me go. This life as you’ve known it, it’s over. There’s no going back. We have what we have, when we have it. “
He’s drowning. He’s drowning and there isn’t enough oxygen in the universe to save him. His lungs have given out and his chest burns with the lack of oxygen, but he doesn’t care anymore. It’s probably for the better anyways.
“Hey. How’s it going? You holding up alright?” Steve snaps out of his reverie as Bucky approaches where he is sitting.
Under any other circumstance, Steve would’ve lied and put on a brave face. He would’ve spouted some bullshit about moving on and pulling up his boot straps, but not even he can believe his words right now. There was no hope left for him in this life, he had received more than his fair share of love and friendship in his life, this had been it for him. It was supposed to be it for him. But in one fell swoop, within mere hours, the world had lost two of its greatest and bravest heroes. Their families and their friends had lost them.
But how could he try and lament about the state of his life when he’s just attended the funeral of a person who gave up his life to save the world. How can he possibly explain to his daughter that her father is gone because of him? In a matter of hours, Steve had lost two of the people who had been most important to him. It is impossible to sum up the inextricable grief and guilt that he feels.
So no, he is not holding up alright. He’s a wreck, nothing but a puddle of grief and pain.
“If a said yes, would you believe me?”
“Not a snowballs chance in hell, kid.”
“Good. I’m tired of holding it together anyways.”
“She wouldn’t want you to be like this, Steve.”
“Don’t. Are you going to try and tell me that she would’ve wanted me to be happy? That she would want me to move on and live my life? Because I don’t want to hear it.”
“You know what she would’ve wanted, Steve. Better than anybody else, you know that she would want you to be happy. She always wanted you to live your life.”
“Yeah? And live my life doing what? To go on avenging the world? To keep being a hero? For what? For who? She’s not here anymore…I’m tired, Buck. I don’t want to go back to this life.”
“So move on. You’ve done more than enough for the world. Live your life now. Wherever that is.”
Steve is grateful for the interruption Morgan brings when she runs over to where the two of them are standing, tugging gently on his pant leg. He doesn’t know how to tell his best friend that he doesn’t want to live this life anymore.
“Uncle Steve, mama wants to know if you want to have a juice pop with me?”
“Well of course I would, darling. But are you going to share yours with me?”
“Hmm.” Morgan says, pretending to deliberate his question with intense thought.
“Just one bite.” Steve says, pouting his lips for extra effect.
“Only if you carry me.”
“Ok, sweetheart. Come on up. Ready for takeoff? 3..2..1- let’s go!” And without a second look, Steve scoops Morgan up in her arms and disappears into the house, running away from the realities of life that were beginning to set in. All Bucky can do is watch as the grief and pain take shape of Steve’s life. It shapes him into someone that he’s never seen before, but then again, Steve had never lost as much as he had up until now.
Later that night, as he creeps back down the stairs of the Stark household after having put Morgan to bed, an overwhelming sense of guilt overcomes him. He had never been in the house for long enough to notice any of the decor or the layout, but now he could see just what kind of a home Tony had built for himself. The life that he had built was right here. And he had taken him away from this life, from his family. He had finally walked away from the tragic life of a hero and Steve had dragged him right back in.
“You can’t be walking around my house looking as if you’re about to burst into tears any minute. You’re going to make me cry and then it’ll be a whole mess.” Pepper says as she turns her back from Tony’s workstation. She smiles as she always does, strong and brave, always taking on the brunt of everybody’s problems. She looks like she’s at peace, and it makes Steve feel all the more guilty.
“Sorry. Morgan’s in bed. I should probably get going.”
“You don’t have to feel guilty, you know. I don’t blame you, no one does. Tony knew what he was doing. He knew the risks. He never could’ve lived with himself if he didn’t do it. ”
“I took him away from… from all of this. From you and Morgan and this life that you guys built.” Steve stutters, hardly getting the words out. The tears well up in his eyes even though he knows that he doesn’t deserve to burden Pepper with them/
“Tony never blamed you, Steve. He was just..angry. He always regretted what came to be between the two of you, and I know that he missed you dearly. One of his greatest regrets in life was that he spent so long being angry that he missed out on so much time with his friends.”
“Well if it means anything at all, I regret it too. I regret it all.”
“It means a lot, and I know that Tony knew that. It’s time for you to move on, Steve. He would want you to live your life and be happy, they both would. He always wanted that for you, and I did too. And you should stay the night, Morgan will be so excited to see her Uncle Steve in the morning. That’s the least you can do.” Steve can’t help but smile at Pepper’s little remark, despite how unsettling the words are to him, weighing heavily on his mind.
Even in the morning as he sits in the kitchen watching Morgan eat her breakfast, Pepper’s words from the previous night are on his mind.
“He always wanted that for you.”
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It takes him less than a fraction of a second to arrive at his destination. It hadn’t taken him long to figure out exactly where he wanted to go once Natasha’s words had finally sunken in.
His heart races as he watches from afar. Steve has come to regret so much in his life, but this moment was one that would always haunt him. The decision that he had made this day had been the wrong one, and it had played over and over in his head throughout the years. Made if he had done something differently then, things wouldn’t have played out the way they had. Maybe if he had done everything differently Tony would still be alive. Natasha would still be alive.
Natasha and the him of 2014 stand side by side, watching over Fury’s fake gravestone. This had been a defining moment between them, and it was when he had decided to part ways with Natasha. This was the moment that he had realized that he had truly loved her. It hadn’t really hit him until this moment when they had reached a crossroad. He could’ve asked her to come with him. He should’ve asked her. Things would’ve ended up differently. But he hadn’t. He had been too scared to. Too scared to learn what might happen, too scared to love someone again only to lose them. It had all been too much knowing what he knew, but now he looked back in regret, cursing himself for all the mistakes he had made along the way. He makes his way closer, even though he remembers that moment perfectly.
“Will you do me a favour? Call that nurse.” He knows that’s not what she really means, testing the waters, seeing what he would say. She too, was scared of getting hurt, and she had done what she had to protect her heart. And he knew that.
He should’ve said no. But he hadn’t. Instead, he had let Natasha go, and she had left not knowing how he felt. And she had died not knowing how he felt.
The exchange is too painful to watch. He wants to run away again, take the coward’s way out. He can’t bear to watch this exchange and watch his mistakes play out again, but this is his chance to change things, once and for all. He waits until Natasha walks away from the him and Sam of another universe, and follows her to where her car is parked, and makes sure that the other two are far out of ear shot.
“Natasha.” He calls, meters away from where she stands now. Natasha turns around quickly at the sound of his voice, and his heart hurts at the slight look of expectation in her eyes, but the look quickly turns into one of confusion, and then caution. He hadn’t thought this far ahead in his plan, and now he was frozen in place, unable to utter a word. The pieces click into place rather quickly for Natasha though, and the look in her eyes changes from one of caution to well, a look of slightly less caution and understanding.
“You’re not the Steve of my universe, are you?” Natasha remains rooted in place, as does he. He nods, still too shocked to say anything. He hadn’t even thought far ahead enough to imagine what it would feel like to see a version of Natasha that was still alive and well, and it was both relieving and incredibly painful all at once. It cemented the fact that the Natasha he had known was truly gone.
“We’ve met before. In New York.” She says it matter-of-factly. Natasha was sure of it. He had the same exhausted and broken look that had been seared in her brain since that moment. He was older than the Steve of her time, wearing a different suit, and a far different composure.
“Yes.”
“Something bad happened in your timeline, didn’t it.”
“You always were a smart one.” Steve smiles, genuinely for the first time in a while.
“Are you here to warn me of something? Is there a threat to this world?”
“There’s always a threat, but no, that’s not why I’m here. I’m here to see you.”
Natasha doesn’t say anything for a moment, taking in the sad smile that occupies his face, and she wonders what he’s seen, what could possibly hurt him this much.
“I died, didn’t I? In your timeline. That’s why you’ve come all the way here.” Natasha doesn’t seem all that surprised to surmise her own death. She says this matter of factly like she has everything else, but Steve can’t utter a single word, once again overtaken with grief.
“It’s okay, Steve. It’ll be okay. I’m going to be okay.” Her smile pure as she says it, and Steve cannot hold back the tears that fill his eyes as he hears those words once again. This had been harder than he could ever imagine.
“Run away with me.” He says without a hint of hesitation, saying the words that he should’ve said long ago. “Please.”
“Steve-“ Natasha looks torn, like she almost wants to, despite the caution and skepticism that fills her mind. “How do I know that you’re who you say you are? And what year are you from?”
“I know you, I can prove it. I know that you’re going to go to Russia not long after this, and you’re going to find your parents. And I know that you haven’t told anybody this, and you’re not going to tell anybody for a while, but when you get there, you’re going to find two little gravestones next to a little chain link fence. And I know all of this because you told me. Two years from now. And I can tell you that the me of 2014 is a dumbass who loves you, but can’t say it, and won’t say it to you until it’s far too late, and he’ll spend the rest of his life regretting it because he’s always loved you. He was just too much of a coward to say so and he doesn’t want to live in a world without you. Not now, and not in 2023. Not at all. So run away with me, Natasha.” The words spill out of him without taking a second to catch his breath. Everything that he had wanted to say for the last ten years summed up, and no matter what happens, he’s glad that he’s said it.
Natasha doesn’t know what to say. She knows that she shouldn’t trust him so easily, but she does. It’s inexplicable, how she’s willing to believe everything he’s saying, but she does. Somehow, she knows that what he’s saying is the truth.
“Okay. But first we need to get you some anti-aging cream, because you’re looking rough.” Natasha says, smiling.
Her decision feels right somehow.